“She’s not your mother,” a voice echoed from the back of the hall. “There was a letter. Sandra can’t find your mother.” Ness hesitated. Caroline sat up. The audience was confused.
“Is that you, Robert?” said Caroline, like Sleeping Beauty waking from a dream. “What are you doing here? Who’s not whose mother?”
Robert pushed through the crowd, controlled his shivering, and warmed his hands on the flames around the dais.
“Regina’s not your mother. She’s an impostor.”
“Of course I’m her mother,” said Regina. “Wimples, seize that man. He’s banned from Mura for sexual misconduct.” The audience’s eyes swung to the back of the hall. The Wimples struggled but didn’t move forward. Angus had one in each arm and they weren’t going anywhere.
“I can prove you’re not Caroline’s mother,” said Robert. “Where did you get married after Caroline was born?”
“I’ve lived in so many places it’s hard for me to remember,” said Regina, racking her brains for where she might have moved to and what was on her fancifully embroidered CV. “Philadelphia.”
“Wrong,” said Robert. The audience was spellbound. The night’s entertainment had already been varied and now there was a quiz.
“No wait, I remember,” said Regina. “After Caroline was born there was lots of work in the Arab oil states. Abu Dhabi.”
“Wrong again,” said Robert. “Only one more guess allowed. Three strikes and you’re out.”
Regina thought of the likely emigration destinations. Australia? South Africa? What about Canada?
“I’m waiting for your answer,” said Robert.
“It was such a confusing time in my life… Australia.”
“I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific.”
“Sydney then.”
“Strike three, you’re out,” said Robert, punching the air. “The correct answer was Emerald, Queensland.” Caroline applauded for some reason, but felt orphaned and noticed her nakedness. What garden path had she been led up? Certainly not the Garden of Eden. Thank God Robert had not arrived fifteen minutes later. Ness looked crestfallen, his shoulders slumped, his penis drooping sadly. Jocasta stepped in through the burning ring of fire and put her arm round Ness. He looked at her gratefully.
“I think that’s the end of the entertainment,” said Robert. “Can someone turn the gas down and let Caroline off the stage?” Greta went behind a pillar and turned the tap down low. Caroline jumped down into Robert’s wet embrace. Ness and Jocasta went to find a dark corner behind a stout stone pillar.
“No, it’s not quite the end,” said a different voice from the back of the hall. The audience, amazed at the twists and turns of the drama, swung their heads to see who was speaking. It was a fellow proselyte. Linda had used a razor to free herself from the tape, climbed up the rough brickwork of the cell pit, removed the grill from the inside, and made her way back to the great hall. She walked confidently up to the dais, hopped on, brushed her hands together as if removing dirt, and called for quiet.
“I apologise to you all. I’ve met so many marvellous women here. But I’m not who I said I was. Well I am Linda, but I’m not a divorcee. In fact, I’ve never been married. I’m a special investigator for the Charity Commission.
“As everyone who is anyone in the world of the vagina spirit is gathered here, it’s the ideal opportunity to reveal the true nature of your leader. You have some more questions to answer, Regina.”
“The animal spirits will guide my answers,” said Regina, mounting the dais.
“We shall see,” said Linda. “I have been investigating registered charity number 43798, Friends of the Animus Vagismus. Is it not the case that Dunlaggin Castle and spirit movement are both funded by fraudulent charitable donations?”
“Donations yes, fraudulent, no,” said Regina.
“Yes, yes, yes,” shouted Jocasta from behind the pillar, unaware that she was backing Linda’s case. She had achieved with a little kindness what Joni and Caroline had been unable to produce. Ness’s orgasm, held back for so long, spurted jets of hot come inside her, over her breasts, and into her laughing mouth. They decided they would get married and have babies there and then.
“Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs think it’s fraudulent,” continued Linda when Jocasta’s cries and Ness’s groans had subsided. “I have a list of over four hundred tax evaders in my possession.” Several members of the audience looked nervously at each other.
“And is it not the case that the spirit guides are figments of your imagination, imprinted surreptitiously on your acolytes through subliminal images in your promo video?”
“That’s simply an aid to those who lack empathy with the animal spirits.”
“Your proselytes can be the judge of that.” There were murmurings as impromptu discussion groups debated the authenticity of animal spirit guides. Linda called the audience to order and addressed the undressed Regina.
“Do you deny that the entire Dunlaggin philosophy is a witches’ brew concocted from the mottos on herbal tea bags? I found tags torn from a hundred teabags in your room, the sayings used for the daily mantras in the dining room. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Regina Heart, you are a charlatan. You are, at best, the latest incarnation of the Wizard of Oz, and at worst, the wicked witch of the west.”
The murmurings of discontent became a roar of hostile reactions, anticipation replaced with frustration. Regina attempted to assert her authority.
“Don’t listen to her. The bad spirit has infected her. I declare the solstice moon ceremony over; everybody to their rooms.” Nobody moved. Sensing an impending vacancy at the top of the organisation, Joni, who had had the hint of a taste of power, jumped up beside Regina on the dais.
“We’ve all had a lot to take in, especially me,” said Joni. We mustn’t rush to judgement. I know it’s not all rubbish because of how the vagina spirit movement has helped people like Jocasta. And Georgina, Greta and me, of course. We’re all so much stronger.”
“Don’t drag me into it,” said Georgina. “I only came here to lose weight. I’m going downstairs for a cigarette.” There was a lot of grumbling from the disappointed proselytes. They had been looking forward to their monthly orgiastic release and now they had been sent to their rooms when nobody felt the least bit sleepy. They pulled on their robes, but the clothes, all the same yellow, had got mixed up and arguments broke out about who had stolen whose robes or sandals.
Joni offered to lead a group if anyone still wanted to try and get in touch with their vagina spirit, and a dozen were prepared to follow her lead. Regina said she’d rather visit GEORGe. The smoking party traipsed down to the undercroft, followed by Jocasta and Ness who went straight through the undercroft and into his cell, clanging the door shut behind them. Caroline took Robert’s hand.
“You’re wet. Let’s get those clothes off.” She helped him pull his soaking sweater and T-shirt off over his head, and placed her warm hands on his chest.
“You’re looking good,” she said. They settled down in front of the fire, ignoring Joni’s group masturbation and the earnest acolytes still arguing the toss about animal spirits and size five sandals.
“Thank you for saving me from the monster,” said Caroline. “You were just in time.”
“I’m sure Ness is a perfectly nice guy, but I don’t think he’s your type.”
“I don’t mean him, I mean the monster in me. Am I a monster, Robert?”
“Regina tricked you into thinking you were. She did the same to me. She’s been trying to destroy our relationship all along, getting revenge for Copenhagen. Neither of us are monsters, just two normal people trying our best to love each other in a complex world.”
He kissed her lovingly and one thing led to another, right there in front of the blazing logs. Caroline was hot, not just hot from the fire. The intense and close encounter with the shaven Ness, the anticipation of his exceptional instrument, had turned her insides to goo. She poured herself over Robert li
ke a jar of maple syrup, and he clung to her fiercely, like he was clinging to life itself. They became one again.
Nineteen
I leaned over Robert to wedge my champagne flute down into the sand. The hammock rocked and I was on top of him, my nose pressed into his chest.
“You smell like a girl.”
“Whatever turns you on,” he said. “You’re blocking my view of the sunset.”
I had never felt so relaxed in my entire life. Who ever invented couples’ massage deserves a Nobel peace prize. It was clever of Robert to spot the upgrade in the small print. He was relaxed too. I had been waiting for the right moment to confess my experience in the Victorian bordello. There would never be a better moment.
“You remember I made an appointment at the Orgatron Training Centre in London? I haven’t told you before because it’s so embarrassing, but I didn’t actually go.”
“Well you can’t go now. It’s been closed down. Regina’s facing a five year stretch for tax fraud.”
“No, it’s not that. I went to the wrong address. I went to this place where people dress in Victorian clothes and have Victorian sex. I had sex with a Chinese man. He paid me.”
“You are making this up, aren’t you? But go on.”
I described how I’d thought I was in the training centre and thought the Chinese man was part of the programme. Robert reached for his phone and turned on the recorder. He made me go back to the beginning and describe every sordid detail. I still don’t think he believed me, but he said it would be a good way to start the next book.
“Oh no, Robert, you can’t. I’ve only just stopped blushing from the last one.”
“I think it’s important that people know about the Regina Hearts of this world. Some people will believe anything.”
I had been expecting grief from Robert about the Chinese man, so having got away with it, I changed the subject.
“It was such a lovely surprise, this holiday.”
“Was it really a surprise? I tried my best to disguise it by taking money out every few days. I knew you’d spot any big movements of cash. You’ll make a fantastic Finance Director, better than Ivan, anyway.”
“I did see the bank statement. I thought you were gambling, or spending money on prostitutes.”
“Stop wriggling, Caroline, I’m trying to imprint this on my mind. It’ll be gone in two minutes and tomorrow’s sunset, if we get one at all, will be a smudge through a smoggy haze.”
“I know it doesn’t matter, but I’m happy you’ve been made a Senior. Will it make a difference, apart from more money?”
“It’ll mean I can pass the dross onto someone else and people like Forbes-Brown will have to stop patronising me. He was embarrassed at being taken in by the indomitable Miss Heart.”
“Don’t you feel a bit sorry for her? I mean it was pretty sad that she was so desperate for a daughter that she pretended it was me.”
“Is that why you rescued her from being shagged to death by GEORGe?”
The images of that dramatic night were burned on my mind. The flickering flames of the ceremony had been only a prelude to the conflagration which engulfed the castle and drove us, terrified for our lives, into the heather on the hillside. I wasn’t sure at the time whether the cries I heard from the practice rooms were of pleasure or terror, but the sound made me open the heavy door, and there was Regina clamped to the machine and nearly unconscious with exhaustion. The vagina spirit had deserted her in her hour of need, but fortunately I was on hand to save her from a gruesome fate.
“No, it was because I couldn’t bear the screams. The fire was hellish. It spread so quickly from the undercroft.”
“I’m not surprised it did,” said Robert. “Cardboard boxes make good kindling. At least Georgina’s finally decided to give up smoking. It gave her a fright. Amazing to think that one discarded match can destroy a building that’s been there for centuries.”
“I wonder if they’ll rebuild the castle or leave it as a monument to Regina’s stupidity?”
I stared at the horizon, recalling the events on Mura. “It was so cold that night waiting for the rescue services. It took hours for them to helicopter us off. And it’s so warm here.” I kissed Robert and wriggled in the hammock again. It was working. The holiday was like a second honeymoon. The day before we had acted as witnesses for a couple who got married on the beach and the old fashioned words had brought a tear to my eye, reminding me of how much I loved Robert.
He asked me if I was nervous about my new job.
“Not at the moment. Ivan says he’s got complete confidence in me and I can ask him anything. He knows he’s got me to thank for opening the door to the top job for him.”
“Do you think he’ll make a good chief executive?”
“Anybody’s better than Andreas. Ivan Kalashnikov might fire me on the spot but he wouldn’t have the nerve to kidnap me and then accuse me of gross misconduct. You were brilliant at my employment hearing, Robert. I was so proud of you, the way you turned the tables on Andreas. I loved the way you called it textual harassment.”
“Did much of Andreas’s wrongdoing come out into the open?”
“None of it. Ivan’s a true numbers man; he made sure the share price wouldn’t be damaged. Andreas officially left to spend more time with his family, but he didn’t get the traditional handsome pay-off. Ivan just waved the incriminating expenses sheets in his face and Andreas went quietly. I don’t know how he’ll explain it to his wife, Trish. But the important thing is the share price target has been reached and I’ll get my bonus. We can have a new bathroom with a big bath like the one we spent the afternoon in.”
“With perfumed oils and flower petals?”
“I love a man with a feminine side.”
The sun had raced below the horizon and it was already nearly dark. I tipped my clever husband out of the hammock and into the soft sand.
Robert Fanshaw
I am mid-thirties, a lawyer, and married (still). Writing is more than a hobby; it’s what keeps me sane because most of my job is boring. I think it must be like being in the army. There are very long periods where nothing happens then suddenly all hell is let loose.
I’ve had a book to do with work published before, and have written columns and features for magazines but my first novel Shameless Ambition was much more fun to write. I can’t really claim credit for the idea. Life provided me with Caroline, my wife. The banking crisis provided the plot. All I had to do was write it down and use my imagination for the parts where Caroline refused to go into details.
You can read more about Robert at the following:
http://www.mywifecaroline.com/
http://fanshawrobert.blogspot.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Robert-Fanshaw/221928037948848?fref=ts
Read more about Robert at the Steam eReads blog:http://steamereads.com.au/2013/03/meet-author-robert-fanshaw/
Also from Steam eReads:
Shameless Ambition by Robert Fanshaw:
A romantic comedy about executive Caroline Fanshaw, who is tempted into indiscretions with some of her colleagues whilst on a management course, and is subsequently drawn into a seedy world of high-finance, private parties and corruption.
The Dumped Club by Ally Symmons:
A contemporary romance about discovering your ideal man is already married then embarking on a friends-with-benefits affair only to find love is more complicated than you thought.
Puppy Love by Ana Vincent:
Kirra Lane’s best friend is her dog Phil, so when he is kidnapped by “the devil” driving a classic car on a late night walk, she is devastated. Added to that, her neighbours are selling out one by one to Haigh International until she is the only person who stands in the way of development.
www.steamereads.com.au
ading books on Archive.
Shameless Exposure Page 20
