He had to be the most perfect man in the world. Sam sat up and grinned. “I just wanna get out of here.” Hospitals were depressing, and she was so done. But maybe that sounded selfish? The baby was fine, right? She should probably have asked about him before going on about how eager she was to leave. She made a face. “Umm…he’s doing good, isn’t he? I mean, the doctor seem happy with how….” She groaned as she glanced down at the baby. “I suck. What’s his name?”
“James Weston Callahan Perron.” Sloan chuckled when she blinked at him. “Yes, it’s a mouthful. But we talked it over and decided to use both Max and my fathers’ names.”
Not Oriana’s father? Sam didn’t want to dig, so she just smiled and nodded. “That’s a good name.”
Sloan’s brow furrowed. “Did you have any names you’d considered?”
“No. I think I always knew…” Her throat tightened. Yeah, she wasn’t ready to be a mom, but sometimes what she was doing hit her. Like, she should have tried. Maybe she wouldn’t have been a great mom, but was she being totally pathetic just handing off her kid?
Rather than pushing her to continue, Sloan simply waited, his expression still calm and supportive.
She took a deep breath. “When I felt him move inside me, I think it was the first time that I ever had to really worry about anyone else. I tried to picture my life with him in it and…I couldn’t. When I was living with Jami, I pictured her taking care of the baby. I thought about going back to school, making something of myself, but the second I considered doing it alone, with the kid, I panicked. I know I should have been more careful, and he’s my responsibility, but I have nothing to offer. And he deserves so much better than I can give him.”
“He’ll never want for anything, Sam. But that’s true no matter what you decide. I know you’re uncomfortable with people constantly asking if you’re sure, so all I’ll ask is that you don’t hesitate to talk to me, or Oriana, or Max about any concerns you have. Including your options.”
“What if I don’t want to stay with you?” Where the fuck had that come from? Of course she had to stay with them. She didn’t have anywhere else to go!
Unless she went back to Luke’s place…
Hell no.
She covered her face with her hands and groaned. “Don’t listen to me. I’m just…I’m confused. Not about the baby. It’s messed up, and I know it makes me sound like a bitch, but if I have to see him every day it’s gonna be like…like I should think about being his mom.”
“According to who?” Sloan held up one hand, his lips curving up slightly. “Never mind. You don’t have to answer that. If you’d like your own place, I can help you get settled somewhere. I’ll need a few days though, but before you worry that anyone will put pressure on you, consider this. Some birth mothers spend absolutely no time with their child after giving birth. They don’t take the baby home. They sign the papers and do their best to continue their lives.”
“Is it horrible that I like that idea?”
“Why would it be horrible? His biological father had no problem with it. You might feel differently tomorrow. Or next week. But you’re the only one who gets to decide how much this changes your life.” Sloan adjusted the blanket covering his son. “I’m not a therapist, Sam. Emotionally, I have no idea how this will affect you. But if you want to get your own place, go back to school…no one has the right to make you feel guilty.”
She took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. Good. That’s what I want. I was just afraid it would be weird if I go back to your place and…like, I don’t change diapers and wake up with him at night.”
“You can be as involved with him as you’re comfortable with. If that’s not at all, then that’s fine.” Sloan’s brow furrowed slightly. “Would you feel better if I took him out of the room for a bit?”
Her emotions were a mess, because she wanted to say “yes”, but at the same time, Sloan being close kept her calm. She couldn’t very well tell him to send the baby away with someone else and stick around. If she wanted him to stay, she’d have to deal with the baby.
You really are a bitch. ‘Deal with the baby’? He’s your kid!
Fuck, she was really starting to hate herself.
But she needed someone to talk to who wasn’t just here for the baby. Someone who didn’t think she was completely heartless. She couldn’t even be that person for herself.
Sloan seemed like he could be, but it wasn’t fair to ask that of him. He was doing all the things a new father should.
Which was more important than worrying about her and all her fucked up shit.
“Sam.” Sloan stood and approached the bed. His voice was deep, with a resonance that went right through her. She couldn’t help but meet his eyes. And staring into them made it a little easier to deal with the baby being so close. “Something is bothering you. What is it?”
“I—”
“Sam?” Luke stepped into the room, his shoulders hunched, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his dark blue suit jacket. He wore a black Cobra ball cap backwards, which looked weird with the suit. He must have just come from a meeting or something. He hadn’t been here since she’d had the baby—that she knew of anyway.
Did she want him here now?
She wasn’t sure.
He couldn’t stand her. And she didn’t blame him, because she’d screwed up gaining his trust over and over. She kinda respected him more for not letting her kid make him all forgiving.
Unless that had changed? Maybe he was here to convince her not to give his nephew to someone else?
She really hoped he wasn’t. She loved her brother, and she had no right to ask him for anything. But she needed his support. And if he couldn’t give it, he needed to leave her the hell alone.
Sloan kept his steady gaze on her then inclined his head as though she’d answered a question he didn’t even need to ask. “I’m gonna take James to see the team. A few of the guys have been stopping by, but I didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed. I think some time with your brother would be good for you.”
Before he could leave, Luke cleared his throat. “Can I see him? I know I’m not his uncle anymore, but—”
“What gave you that idea?” Sloan chuckled when Luke stared at him. “You’re family, Carter. Did you really think I wouldn’t let you be part of his life?”
“I don’t know.” Luke frowned, glancing over at Sam. “I mean, I don’t know how this works.”
“In the least complicated way possible. Do you want to hold him?” Sloan didn’t hold the baby out or anything. He gave Luke the same patient look he’d given Sam.
Which seemed to relax Luke as he gazed down at the little bundle in awe. “Umm…maybe later? When he’s a bit more solid and I’m sitting down on a pile of bubble wrap?”
“You’ve held Amia before, Carter.”
“Yeah, but she was bigger.”
Sloan laughed. “She really wasn’t, but that’s okay. Let me know when you’re ready.”
And that was it. Sloan left the room with the baby and suddenly, her lungs remembered how to expand, and her chest didn’t feel like someone was sitting on her. She pressed her eyes shut, absolutely positive that she was the most messed up person on the planet.
“Are you okay?” There was a loud scraping sound, and she opened her eyes to see Luke sit in the chair he’d dragged up to the side of the bed. “You look really pale.”
“Probably puffy too, right? And my hair’s all gross.” Sam sighed when Luke hunched his shoulders again. “Sorry, I’m in a weird mood. I had this plan. I would give birth, look like myself again, and everything would be back to normal.”
“Yeah…” Luke’s brow creased. “Pretty sure that’s not how this works. Jami told me the dad signed the papers and got them back to Callahan’s lawyer the same fucking day.”
Did he? Sam wasn’t really surprised. The ‘I’m pregnant’ convo had ended in an argument about her having an abortion. She didn’t have an issue with women who made that cho
ice, but even though she’d never considered actually keeping the kid, the baby had been real to her from day one. Real enough that she’d pictured him growing up. Wondered if he’d ever ask about her. Hoped he’d have a better life than she had.
Of course, ‘he’d’ been just ‘the baby’ at the time, but his future had always been separate. One that wasn’t connected to hers. But still a life she’d wanted to know would go on.
“I’m happy he didn’t fight to be the dad. I don’t know what I would have done if he decided he wanted to keep the kid.”
“’The kid’?” Luke rubbed a hand over his lips. “You don’t…I mean, you’re sure about this?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” Luke inhaled sharply. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be. Just…I didn’t want you to give him up because of me.”
Okay, and I’m fucked up? Sam shook her head. “Luke, listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who can’t be a mom. I didn’t choose to give him up because of you, I just didn’t give him to you because…because I need some distance and I can’t have that if you ended up being his father. Our family is a mess.”
“Ya think?” The edge of Luke’s lips quirked up slightly. “I think, if Jami got pregnant, I’d be a good dad. I’d have time to figure things out, you know? But when she decided we’d keep your kid it was like…real sudden. Like, me and you weren’t good, and I could tell you weren’t ready. If he was with us, you’d be more involved. But you don’t want that, do you?”
“I really don’t.” Her brother was the last person she’d ever considered telling all this, but he was here, and she needed to talk to someone. And talking to him was a lot easier than she thought it would be. “I want to know he’ll be okay without me. That I can walk away and not be a terrible person.”
“I don’t think you’re a terrible person.” Luke reached out and took her hand. “You chose amazing people to be his parents.”
Her bottom lip quivered. Why did he have to be so nice all of a sudden? This was easier when he was treating her like she deserved to be treated. “You would have been amazing.”
“I will be. Didn’t you hear? I’m an uncle again!” He grinned. “And I’m real good at that. Gives me tons of practice.”
“Does this mean you don’t hate me anymore?” Her eyes teared as her brother stood and pulled her into his arms. That was the biggest regret she’d had. Giving him her baby would have forced him to forgive her. But that wouldn’t have been fair to anyone. Luke was right. If the baby had gone to him, she would have felt even more obliged to stick around.
But she couldn’t. She needed to fix herself, figure out where her life was going. Without worrying about how her choices would affect anyone else.
“I never hated you.” Luke kissed her forehead. “I didn’t like you very much, but I’m over it. Just…damn it, Sam. I love Jami. And she cares about you so much. Don’t make her regret it again. Please?”
“I won’t.” She’d keep the promise this time. No matter what. She wasn’t living with her brother and Jami anymore, so it should be easy. Sloan would help her get her own place. She’d build a life that she could be proud of. Maybe, when the baby grew up, he wouldn’t be ashamed of the person she’d become.
If he wanted to know her, he’d see that she’d made the right decision for the both of them.
Either way, the idea of not having someone else to worry about while she sorted out her life was less scary. That’s all it came down to, really. She wasn’t really a grown up yet. Why anyone trusted her to make decisions for herself was a mystery. Making them for a kid?
Nope. She couldn’t even wrap her head around that.
“Do you need anything? Not for him. I know there’s people taking care of him, but what about you?” Luke held her hand between both of his, looking at her like she was fragile and broken, and he wanted to do something to fix her. “My mom wanted me to ask if you if you needed to talk to her. She’s worried about you.”
“I miss her.” Sam swiped away the tears spilling down her cheeks. Luke’s mother had been there for her more than her own. And she’d screwed that up too. She didn’t deserve the woman’s concern, but she wanted to reach out to her. To tell her again and again how sorry she was for everything she’d done. “I’d love to talk to her.”
Luke inclined his head. “Good. I’ll let her know.”
“You’re really not mad at me?” Yeah, that question was way too vague. She wouldn’t blame him for still being mad about her stealing from his girlfriend. Or his mom. Or for walking into his life and leaving such a fucked up mess in her wake. She’d given Jami every reason to believe the baby would be part of her family. “I mean—”
“I’m not mad at you, Sammy.” Luke laid a soft kiss on the back of her hand. “So, you want anything?”
She shook her head. She was just tired. So freaking tired, she just wanted to sleep and not worry about anything. At all.
And Luke had just made her believe she could actually do that. Which was awesome. The greatest gift he could have given her.
She woke after what seemed like a long time, her eyes shooting open to see her brother still sitting by her side. And she laughed because the strangest thought had just occurred to her.
“James Weston Callahan Perron.” She shrugged, dropping her gaze when Luke stared at her. “That’s his name. Not sure anyone told you. Is it weird that I can’t think of him as ‘James’? He doesn’t look like a James to me, but I didn’t look at him for long.”
Luke grinned. “He doesn’t look like a James to me either. West is a cool name though. I’ve been thinking of him as ‘little Westy’ in my head.”
“I like Westy.” Not letting go of his hand, she let her eyes drift shut. “Can you stay with me for a bit? And…it’s okay if they don’t bring the baby back in here. Is that bad of me to say? He’s beautiful. Perfect. But he’s not mine, and I’m so tired of not being able to say that. Of feeling bad for thinking it.”
“Don’t feel bad. I can’t imagine making the choice you did and having to second-guess it again and again. I get it, Sam. And I can do that.” He adjusted the blankets over her without releasing her hand. “I’ll stay. And you rest. No one will make you look back anymore. Consider it done.”
Done.
Her throat tightened, but at the same time, all the pressure on her lightened as she drifted off to sleep.
The word was so final, but she needed it. She needed someone to actually understand that she meant it. That she didn’t want to have to rethink what she’d decided. Because, of all the choices she’d ever made, this was the only one she was absolutely sure of.
The one that was right.
For her.
And for him.
Chapter 3
Over the past few days, Shawn had come to terms with the fact that his plans for White weren’t going to work. He considered getting past the stiff goodnight White had given him the last two nights, at the respectable hour of exactly 9 PM, progress.
They’d had practice this morning, and a trainer had noticed White was favoring one side. So the man had been forced to endure a few hours of medical exams, deep muscle massages, and an ice bath. He’d come back to Shawn’s place, looking utterly miserable.
Shawn wanted to cheer White up, but even his favorite meal of steak and potatoes had only gotten a quiet thanks and a brief smile. It was the playoffs, so Shawn didn’t expect White to complain much even if he was hurting bad, but he had to do something.
After they watched a few movies, Shawn caught White’s head drooping to the side, then snapping up as though he was trying to stay awake. He stood and held out his hand.
“Come on, buddy. You can crash here tonight.” He took a deep, deep breath as White’s warm, calloused hand surrounded his. Touching the man messed him up. He’d avoided it while readjusting their limits; it made it easier to shove aside all the lingering lust.
White’s hand holding his brought it all slamming back, lik
e a solid punch to the gut. And another to his chest.
“Shouldn’t stay. Like how things are.” White’s forehead creased, as though he knew he wasn’t making any sense. “Not here to fuck.”
“I know, Bruiser. Hell, you’re punch drunk tired. I don’t take advantage of my friends.” He pulled White close and draped an arm over his wide shoulders. “You can sleep in the guest room.”
Where he usually slept when he stayed over. No need to point that out. Of course he’d sleep there.
That’s not where you want him.
Yeah, well, what he wanted was irrelevant.
He took White to the spare bedroom. It was plain, with a simple queen sized bed, dark blue bedding, and a dark wood bedroom set to match the bed. But a few of White’s comics were strewn across the dresser and he had clothes in all the drawers—clothes he’d left here and Shawn had put away for him, nice, clean, and folded. The Transformer pillow White traveled with was propped up on the headboard, where he’d left it after their last trip.
He mustn’t have been sleeping good without it. Shawn should have taken it to him, but he’d been trying to give White the space he needed.
White’s lips spread in a lazy smile. “I love this bed. Thanks for letting me stay.”
“No problem.” Shawn tightened his grip on White’s shoulder when he moved to drop face first onto the bed. “You’re not sleeping in your clothes.”
“You want me naked?”
“Yes, but that’s beside the point.” Shawn chuckled when White blinked at him, confused. “I want you comfortable. Doc asked how you’ve been sleeping. Have you been?”
“A bit. But not good. Not sure why.” White lifted his arms as Shawn drew his shirt up, letting him take it off. “I shouldn’t let you do this. It’s weird now.”
Shawn went still, guilt wrapping around his throat like a thick, coarse rope. He hadn’t meant for things to get ‘weird’, whether or not he managed to get White beyond his sudden obsession with making hot sex into something meaningful. He’d been taking care of White in a way that had become so natural, he hadn’t even thought twice about making sure he was comfortable.
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