by Beth Wiseman
Levi looked over her shoulder and saw that her daed was still on the porch, so he just smiled as he stared into her dreamy brown eyes. “Ya.”
Sarah was beautiful; a perfect white smile, delicate features, and in the Englisch world, she probably could have been on the covers of those fancy magazines. Every guy in Canaan wanted to court her. Levi still wasn’t sure why she’d chosen him.
“You’re so sweet and shy, Levi. It’s one of the things I love about you.” Sarah kissed him on the cheek, then quickly turned and ran across the yard toward her house.
Levi moved fast too, hurrying back into the buggy since Sarah’s father was now standing and holding a lantern out in front of him at arm’s length. It was completely dark, but a full moon lit Sarah’s front yard enough to make him wonder if John Troyer saw his daughter’s bold move. He clicked his tongue and moved the horse toward the main road, glad that his house wasn’t far. He pulled the blanket Sarah had used onto his lap and adjusted the small battery-operated heater on the floor of the buggy.
Once his shivering was under control, he thought about what Sarah had said. “It’s one of the things I love about you.”
Was that Sarah’s way of saying she loved him or just a casual comment? He’d known Sarah since her family moved from Indiana to Canaan about six months ago, but it wasn’t until recently that Sarah seemed to take an interest in him. Before that, Sarah had been spending time with Jake King, another newcomer to their small community. The talk around the community was that Jake might even propose. But a few weeks ago, Levi noticed that Sarah was going to the singings alone, and one night she asked Levi to take her home, then continued to do so. He hoped Sarah wasn’t expecting him to propose anytime soon. He cared about Sarah, but they weren’t anywhere near that kind of promise to each other. Plus, Levi wasn’t even baptized yet. Marriage seemed far off in his mind, even though he was twenty-two and his mother constantly pushed him about the issue. Two of his siblings, Jacob and Emily, had both married when they were younger than Levi.
Thankful to be home, and looking forward to the warmth of his house, he pulled into his driveway, parked the buggy, then led Chester to the barn, lighting his path with a flashlight he kept in the buggy. It was then that he heard crying. He pointed the light to the crumpled-up shape in the corner.
“Danielle?” Levi hurried to her and squatted down. He pushed back long strands of blond hair from her face and saw tears rolling down her cheeks. “What are you doing here?” He sat down on the cold dirt beside her. “What’s wrong, Ladybug?”
Levi had been calling Danielle by that nickname for almost as long as he’d known her, close to a year now. She’d plucked one of the red and black insects from Levi’s hair last spring and told him that ladybugs were lucky, something she wasn’t. Levi had told her that life wasn’t based on luck, but on faith and God’s plan. Danielle had gently placed the bug in her palm, smiled, and said, “I don’t know about that, but I want to be lucky like a ladybug.” And somehow the nickname just stuck.
“I wasn’t ready to go home. I just needed—” Sobbing, she buried her face in her hands. “My life is a wreck. I’ve made a mess of everything, and Martha and Arnold are going to be so upset with me, and Matthew doesn’t love me, and . . .” She started crying so hard that Levi could barely understand her. After a few moments, she lifted her face to his and locked eyes with him. “And . . . and . . . I’m pregnant.”
Levi hung his head and sighed before he looked back at her. “Ach, mei maedel. Are you sure?” Danielle was his best friend, the only person he felt completely comfortable with. It had been like that since they’d met. She was a high-spirited Englisch girl who said whatever was on her mind, and she’d lived life in a way that Levi didn’t understand, but from the beginning, they’d fit together like bread and butter.
“I’m sure.”
Levi’s temples throbbed, and he wanted to leave right then to find Matthew. He’d never met the man, but he felt the need to punch him in the gut just the same. Matthew lived in a small district near Alamosa, about ten miles away, but Levi’d make the trip to straighten him out . . .
He took a deep breath, reminding himself that it was not their way to be aggressive. But how did Matthew let this happen?
Danielle sniffled and studied his face. “It takes two, Levi. This isn’t all Matthew’s fault.”
Levi gritted his teeth together for a few moments. “Well, he should have . . . I don’t know . . . done something different.” He paused, shining the flashlight toward the barn window. “Where’s your car? You didn’t walk here, did you?” His teeth chattered as he spoke.
Danielle nodded in the direction of the light. “It’s out there, parked on the other side of the barn. I didn’t want your parents to know that I was out here.”
“You should have waited inside. It’s not that late, and you know Mamm stays up until I get home.”
Frowning, she sighed. “Your mom doesn’t like me. You know that.”
“She likes you.” He let the lie slip from his lips. Vera Detweiler hadn’t liked Danielle since the first time she noticed her spending time with Levi after worship service. Martha was friends with the Amish community, attended the Amish church service every other week, and often brought Danielle with her. His mother saw Danielle as a threat—an Englisch girl set on stealing away her baby boy, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. If his mother only knew how much time he and Danielle had really spent together, she’d have been doubly worried.
Danielle smiled a bit, but sniffled again. “Thanks for saying that, but we both know it’s not true.”
Levi gave her a rueful smile. He’d hoped his mom would have relaxed once she found out that Danielle was seeing someone, and now that Levi was seeing Sarah. But no, his mother was still worried. “You are too close to that girl. She’s wild, and she’ll lure you into her world,” Mamm had said. More than once.
Levi pushed back the rim of his hat, and in an effort to avoid another lie, he changed the subject back to her pregnancy. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.” She swiped at her eyes. “Remember when I got stung by that huge bumblebee when we were picking blueberries?”
Levi nodded. “Ya, your hand swelled up pretty bad.”
“But you went to your house and got something to put on it, and the swelling went down right away.” Danielle almost smiled.
He shrugged. “It was just an herb mixture Mamm keeps around the haus. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“I could name lots of other times, but the point is . . . you always know what to do about things.” She let out a heavy sigh.
Levi scratched his chin, knowing he couldn’t fix this for her.
“I’m going to be the best mother in the world,” she said. “That’s what I’m going to do.”
Levi knew that Danielle hadn’t seen her own mother in over a year. And that was a good thing since the last time she’d been around, Danielle landed in the hospital; a faint scar on her cheek was a reminder of her mother’s cruel blow. That’s when the older Englisch woman, Martha, had taken her in. Levi figured it was the best thing that had happened to Danielle. Even though Danielle and Martha didn’t see eye-to-eye much of the time, it was clear that they loved each other.
“I know you’ll be a great mudder. What do you think Martha and Arnold will say?”
“I don’t think Arnold will say much. He’s kinda quiet.” She smiled for a moment, swiping at her eyes. “Like you.” She bit her bottom lip, pausing before she went on. “But I suspect Martha will have plenty to say.”
“Maybe not. She loves babies. She keeps Katie Ann’s boppli all the time.”
Levi looked at her and wished they could go back in time. Back to before she fell in love with Matthew. Before she gave him everything and ended up with nothing but a babe in her womb and a new set of challenges ahead of her.
Danielle leaned her head against the barn wall, then turned to him with teary eyes.
“Levi?”
“Ya?”
“Do you really think I’ll be a good mother?”
He smiled. “Ya. I do.” He glanced at her stomach. “How long ’til . . . ?”
“I think sometime around Christmas.”
They were quiet for a few moments, then Levi asked, “So, what exactly did Matthew say?”
“That he wants to go to school, that he’s leaving his community, and that a wife and baby aren’t in his plans.”
Levi stiffened. “Did you tell him that God has other plans for his life?” After the words were out, he held his breath. Months ago, Levi learned the hard way that if they were going to be friends, he couldn’t force the Lord on her. But he’d often wondered if God put Danielle in his path so that he could minister to her, even though it wasn’t the Amish way to do so with the Englisch.
“Levi, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I need Matthew to want me, whatever God has planned.” She started to cry again. “You don’t think being a bad mother is hereditary, do you? You don’t think I’ll be like my mom, do you?”
Levi shook his head. “Nee, I don’t. I told you. You’ll be a great mudder.”
Danielle shifted her weight, twisting to face him. As she leaned forward with teary eyes, the movement brought her lips within inches of his. It wasn’t the first time he’d wanted to kiss her. But he never did. She was his best friend, and he didn’t want anything to mess that up. Plus, her being Englisch complicated things. But sometimes it was a struggle, especially now when he wanted so much to comfort her.
“You think I’m a bad person, don’t you? Because I slept with Matthew.” Danielle leaned back against the barn wall again as she crossed her legs underneath her. Her teeth were chattering, like his. “Tell me the truth, Levi.”
He frowned. Everything about her screamed goodness. If only she could find her way to a relationship with God, she’d find the direction she so desperately sought. “You know I don’t think you’re bad.” He playfully rolled his eyes.
“But you’re disappointed in me,” she was quick to say.
“Danielle, it’s not my place to judge. Only God—”
“Yeah, I know.”
But she didn’t. She was just cutting him off at the mention of God, like she’d done so many times before. She sat up taller and sniffled.
“I gotta go.” She stood up, and so did Levi.
“You gonna be okay? Are you going to talk to Martha and Arnold tonight?”
She shook her head. “No. Martha has her schedule. She eats at seven, bathes at seven thirty, and she and Arnold watch TV until nine.” She looked at her watch. “I can’t see what time it is, but I know it’s after nine, and they’re probably in bed.”
Levi smiled. He’d heard about Martha’s strict schedule from Danielle plenty of times. “If I miss my scheduled bath time, well, I’m just out of luck,” Danielle had told him before. Martha lived in a large house with two and a half bathrooms, but it was old and had a small, noisy water heater that required time to heat up between the scheduled bath times. There was no bathing allowed after nine o’clock because that was when Martha and Arnold went to bed. It was one of Martha’s many rules.
Danielle wrapped her arms around Levi’s waist, and he pulled her close, resting his cheek on the top of her head. “You’ll be okay, mei maedel.”
Among his people, it wasn’t unheard of to be married and pregnant at eighteen. The average family had six or eight children, so they started early. But he knew it was considered young in the Englisch world, and the fact that Danielle had no husband . . . It would be hard for her. And the baby.
He walked her to the car and waited until she pulled out of the driveway before he headed toward the house, dropping his flashlight back in the buggy on the way. Enough light shone through the living room window to illuminate his way up the porch steps. He pulled open the screen, then eased the wooden door open, not surprised to find his mother curled up on the couch reading a book, a lantern on the end table. She closed the book when Levi shut the door behind him.
“Does that girl really think we don’t know she’s in the barn?” Mamm spit the words out as if Danielle had committed a crime. She placed her book on the coffee table in front of her. “Why doesn’t she just come inside like a normal person?”
Levi dropped his shoes by the front door in the pile with everyone else’s, hung his black coat and hat on the rack, and warmed his hands by the fire. “She knows you don’t like her.”
Mamm scowled before shaking her head briefly. “That’s not true.”
Levi sat down on the couch, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes.
“How’s your asthma?”
“It’s okay.” It had been better for the past couple of years, since they moved from Ohio to Colorado. But Mamm still asked about it once a week. Vera Detweiler was a wonderful mother. A bit meddlesome at times, but she loved her kinner. Pushing his sister Emily to go out with David Stoltzfus—and then seeing them get married—had only made her more convinced she should meddle. He didn’t think she was going to change her mind about Danielle, and if anything, Mamm was about to like her even less. He hoped Danielle was okay tonight. His heart hurt for her.
“Well, you don’t need to be sitting out in the barn, in the cold air, with that girl. That’s not gut for your asthma.” His mother folded her hands in her lap.
Levi grinned. “Ach, I see . . . but it’s fine for me to be out in the cold air carting Sarah around?”
“Don’t sass, Levi.”
He rubbed his eyes, too tired to argue with his mother. Where Danielle was concerned, he wasn’t going to win.
Two
DANIELLE MADE UP HER BED AND THEN PULLED her blue work dress from the closet. Once she had it on, she twisted her hair into a bun.
She’d worked at The Mountain View Restaurant in Monte Vista for exactly one year today, and her friend Sue said they’d celebrate after their shift ended at two o’clock. Danielle wasn’t sure a year logged at The Mountain View was worthy of celebration, exactly, but she planned to use the time to share her news with Sue. Maybe she can help me figure out my next steps. Danielle had barely done the home pregnancy test when she’d rushed off to Alamosa to see Matthew, confident that together, they’d figure it out. So much for that . . .
Just thinking about his reaction caused quick tears to rise. How could any father not want to be a part of his child’s life? She sat down on the bed, and a few tears slid down her cheek as she thought about the possibilities. Maybe Matthew would still want to be involved in the baby’s life. He didn’t love her, but maybe he’d love their child. They hadn’t really gotten that far in their conversation before she felt the need to bolt.
She pulled on her socks and white tennis shoes as she thought about her own mother. Despite the beatings and everything, she loved her mom. But Danielle was glad Vivian hadn’t been back to Canaan. The woman probably didn’t want to face Martha. “You ever touch this girl again, you’ll be dealing with me,” Martha had said to her mother. Never had she felt such a measure of protection and fierce love.
Martha was a pain in the neck, for sure. Rules, rules, and more rules. And then there was her quirky character. But Danielle knew that Martha and Arnold loved her, and Danielle knew that she was safe with them, something she’d never felt before. Funny thing was, Danielle still missed her mother, which probably meant that Danielle was messed up in the head. Who’d miss someone who drank too much and beat the snot out of their kid?
She reached down and touched her stomach, closing her eyes. She wasn’t sure there was a God, but every now and then she’d offer up a little prayer on the off chance that there was. Please don’t let anything bad happen today.
Danielle shook her head. The idea of a God who’d allow all the bad stuff in the world just didn’t compute in her mind. If He was God, why didn’t He just fix everything and have everyone live in perfect harmony? Why all the suffering? Why me, pregnant by
a guy who doesn’t love me?
She took a deep breath, wiped her eyes, and dabbed on lip gloss before she headed downstairs. Entering the kitchen, she smelled burned toast and it made her smile. Every morning, the same odor greeted her. It was familiar. It was home.
“Good morning and happy Monday.” Arnold looked up at Danielle from the kitchen table, smiling broadly, his kind gray eyes twinkling. Then he went back to buttering a piece of dark toast. Danielle was sure Arnold was the kindest man on the planet. And the fact that he adored Martha made her like him all the more.
Danielle sat down at the table, and Martha slid an omelet from the skillet onto her plate. It wouldn’t have been Danielle’s first choice for breakfast, simply because there was no telling what was in Martha’s omelets, but it was food. Awhile back, they’d had omelets and Martha had used leftover squash as filler. This morning Danielle picked at the egg until something bright red oozed out. She tried to recall what Martha made for dinner last night. The woman wasn’t much of a cook, except for a great chicken lasagna she made at least once a week.
“Beets?” Danielle squeaked out, trying not to sound too negative. She pushed the pinkish mush around on her plate and hoped she didn’t vomit right there at the table. Food in general didn’t sound good, but this made her want to hurl.
“Just try it.” Martha put her hands on her hips and frowned. “You are the pickiest eater.”
Danielle turned to Arnold and lifted her shoulders and her eyebrows, hoping he’d jump on her side. He just smiled.
Martha sat down at the table with her own omelet, and they all bowed their heads in prayer. Danielle went through the motions, knowing what would happen if she didn’t. The first time Danielle had said she’d rather not pray, Martha had refused to serve her any food.
Danielle bit into her piece of toast, watching as Arnold dutifully ate his omelet, then she shifted her eyes to Martha, who was already dressed in a red and white pantsuit that had to be from the ’70s. Then of course there was the pink butterfly clip, always holding her brown and gray hair on top of her head.
