Bill gave the purse a jerk and I let it slip from my fingers. I fell to the pavement and Bill stomped down the street toward Rex.
“Stop that ruffian!” I cried. “He has my purse!”
As Bill stomped past Rex, Rex tossed his briefcase at Bill’s feet. Even with his uneven legs, Bill really had to work to make it look like Rex had tripped him, but he sold it. Bill went sprawling on his face, letting the purse slip from his hand. It skittered across the ground, stopping in front of the lanky bagman Rex had pointed out the night before. The bagman stood with his mouth open, staring at Bill.
“Go on!” Rex shouted. “Pick on someone your own size!”
Bill got to his feet, sized up the two men, and then, as if deciding he was no match for them, took off running down the street. It was quite the performance.
“Stop him!” I cried. “He has my purse!”
“Easy, ma’am,” Rex said. “We’ve got the purse.” He looked at the bagman, who bent over and picked up the purse. “Come on,” Rex said. “Let’s make sure she’s okay.”
The bagman nodded and he and Rex ran over to where I lay in the street. The bagman handed me the purse.
“Oh, thank you, young man!” I gushed. I looked in the purse. “Thank Space, the money is still here!”
“Why was that MASHER trying to steal your purse?” the bagman asked.
“That was no ordinary MASHER,” Rex said. “Didn’t you see the crazy look in his eyes and the way he walked crooked, like one leg was longer than the other? That was one a renegade MASHER if I ever saw one.”
“Renegade MASHER?” the bagman asked doubtfully.
“The well-dressed businessman is right,” I said. “Renegade MASHERs know no master. Having disavowed the MASHER code, they roam the streets of the city, looking for easy prey.” I made a show of trying to get to my feet, but my left leg bent backwards at the knee—thanks to a couple of bolts Rex had loosened—and I fell to the pavement. I cried out in pain.
“Easy, lady,” Rex said. “We need to get you to a doctor. I’ll go find a cop.”
“No cops!” I cried.
Rex frowned. “You wanted by the law or something?”
“No, just… don’t worry about it.”
“You’re crazy carrying that kind of money in this neighborhood, you know.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m obliged to you, but I have to get going.” I pretended to try to get to my feet again, but this time both legs bent backwards and I fell to the pavement. “Yeaaargh!” I cried.
“You ain’t going anywhere on that leg,” Rex said.
“I have to!” I cried. “Look, I run some slots down in Braktown for a mob here. I got a little behind on my payoffs so they figure I’ve been holding out on them. They gave me ‘til sundown to come up with the cash. If I don’t get it there, I’m dead.”
“It doesn’t look good, lady,” Rex said. “It’s almost sundown now.”
“There’s a hundred credits in it for you and your friend if you deliver the money for me.”
“I don’t know,” said Rex. “That psycho robot is mad enough at me already. What if he’s out there waiting around a corner with some friends?”
“He won’t know you’re carrying it. C’mon, you gotta help me out.”
“Sorry, lady. I’ll call you a doctor, but I’m not going to get stomped by a crazy robot for you.”
I turned to the bagman. “How about you? I’ll give you the whole hundred!”
“What makes you think you can trust him?” Rex asked. “He just stood there!”
“Hey, butt out, fancy pants,” the bagman said. “I gave her back her purse, didn’t I? How far is this place?”
“The Dragmandi Building. Put it in Box 3C. You won’t have any trouble. There’s five thousand credits there and here’s a hundred for you.” I pulled a wad of bills from the purse, grabbed a 100-credit note from my pocket, and gave both to the man.
“All right,” the bagman said. “I’ll make your drop for you, lady. And don’t worry, you can trust me.” He stuffed the bills in his inside coat pocket, next to another wad that was already there.
Rex shook his head. “If that crazy robot is waiting for you around the corner, you’ll never fool ‘em carrying it there.”
“What do we do?” I asked, suddenly worried again.
“You got a bag or something?” Rex asked.
“No.”
Rex pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. “This should work,” he said. “Let me have the money.”
The bagman took out the wad of bills I’d handed him.
“You better stick that other stack in here too, if you want to keep it,” Rex said.
“Just hurry, will you?” I pleaded.
The bagman pulled the other wad of money from his pocket and gave it to Rex. Rex wrapped it in the handkerchief and then slipped it down the front of his pants. “See?” Rex said. “Carry it down in your pants here.” He pulled the money out and stuffed it into the bagman’s pants. “That crazy robot will never look there.”
The bagman nodded and turned to me. “So long, ma’am. Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be all right.” He took off running down the street.
I went to work tightening the bolts in my knees. “How’d we do?”
Rex pulled the handkerchief from his pocket and opened it to reveal a huge wad of cash. “Looks like we’re over ten thousand,” he said. “Horrible SLOP liquor for everyone tonight!”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
When Rex was done drinking, we returned to the hotel. Bill marched behind us, occasionally shouting orders as part of our well-practiced MASHER-escorting-prisoners routine. Fortunately the sight of MASHERs marching reprobates through town was common enough that nobody seemed to notice that Bill had been marching us all over Yurgville for three days. Once we reached the hotel, Bill would continue just outside the town and hide.
“Sir,” I said, when we were almost to the hotel, “far be it from me to question your loyalty, but I can’t help noticing we only have half of the 20,000 credits we need to get off planet. Additionally, you’ve already made it clear that we’re going to leave B—”
“Shhh!” Rex said. “Are you trying to get our skulls crushed? We’re a team, Sally. I’d never leave you behind.”
“Yes, sir,” I said. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but there was obviously no point in arguing with Rex. Rex was going to do what Rex was going to do. Maybe Bill and I could make a life together on this awful planet.
We had just turned down the street where the hotel was located when someone shouted at us from somewhere up ahead. “Ubiqorp security! You two, stop where you are!” It was impossible to be sure in the dim light, but I thought I saw at least two men with guns peeking out of doorways. Looking around, I saw that Bill was nowhere to be found. I’d gotten so used to his uneven stomping that I hadn’t even noticed its absence. Had he overheard me? It was hard to know how much Bill really understood about what was going on. Rex and I put our hands up.
“That’s it,” said the voice from the darkness. “Thought you were pretty clever, disguising your robot as a woman of some means. Well, we’re on to you, you no-account smuggler. Now walk this way. Slowly!”
Rex and I began to walk slowly down the street toward the voice.
“How many of them do you see, Sasha?” Rex whispered.
“At least two,” I said. “Maybe more. Armed with lazeguns.”
“I make two as well. The odds of them taking us both out are slim. On the count of three, we make a run for it. If I don’t make it, grab the money and head to the barber shop without me.”
“What? No, sir! That’s crazy!”
“Just playing the odds. We were a good team while it lasted. One, two—”
“Sir, no! If we turn ourselves in, we can—”
At that moment, I heard Bill’s distinctive THUNK-CLANK walk echoing off the buildings. I couldn’t pinpoint his location until he emerged from an alleyway a few meters in front of us.
>
“Do not shoot!” Bill boomed, moving himself between us and the lazeguns. “We are unarmed. If you come closer, I will allow you to verify how unarmed I am.” His vice-like fingers clicked together. To me, he whispered, “I am attempting to fool them into approaching so that I can crush their skulls, but I am not certain the ruse will work. You and Mr. Rex should flee.”
“Good plan,” said Rex. “Come on, Sasha!”
“What about you, Bill?”
“I will likely not survive this encounter. But it’s okay as long as you and Mr. Rex get away.”
“We’re a team, Bill. I’m not going to—”
“Please, Mistress Ono, do not argue with me. I know you and Mr. Rex were going to leave without me. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad. I only wanted to make sure you were safe. Now go!”
“You heard him, Sasha! Let’s get out of here!” Rex turned and ran. After a moment, I followed.
“Halt!” one of the men shouted. Lazegun blasts erupted behind me. Glancing back, I saw the silhouette of Bill lit up by a barrage of fire.
Rex and I ran around the corner and down the street. We zigzagged through the streets for some time, stopping only when we were certain no one was following us.
Rex sank into a slouch against the wall of an alley. “Turns out Bill was in love with you after all,” Rex said.
“Shut up, Rex,” I replied. Despite being a malformed psychopathic skull-crusher, Bill had actually been growing on me.
*****
Unable to return to our hotel, we spent the rest of the night hiding in an alley. The next day, we arrived at Charlie’s Barber Shop as planned and were whisked away to the building where Reba’s spaceship was hidden. Reba was waiting for us.
“Bad news,” she said, as the driver pulled off our blindfolds. “Devin got into some bad SLOP liquor last night. He’s completely blind.”
“That’s a shame,” Rex said. “Where’s your pilot?”
“Devin is the pilot.”
“Oh.”
“I’m going to have to postpone the shipment until I can find another pilot.”
“My robot can fly a ship,” Rex said.
Reba raised an eyebrow at me. “Is that true?”
I nodded. “Yes, ma’am. I’m a skilled pilot, as well as being able to speak over three million—”
“How do I know I can trust you to take the money to Gobarrah?”
“My guess is that money is going to Bergoon the Grebatt,” Rex said. “I’ve worked for him before. I’ve got enough trouble without stealing from that crazy toad.”
“I don’t know,” Reba said. “I think I should wait until I can find a pilot I know I can trust.”
“Where are you going to find a trustworthy pilot willing to transport a shipment of illegal smuggling proceeds?” Rex said. “Bergoon is expecting his money. Trust me, you don’t want to upset a guy like that.”
“All right,” Reba said. “I guess I don’t have any choice but to trust you. The money is already loaded on the ship. I’ll give you the coordinates for the drop. And it’s still going to cost you ten thousand credits each.”
“You’re going to charge us for working for you?”
“A deal’s a deal,” Reba said. “You want off Jorfu, you pay the money.”
“Fine,” Rex said. “But I’m only paying half in advance. The rest is in a locker at the Yurgville bus station. I’ll give you the locker number and combination when we’re free of Jorfu’s atmosphere.”
“That wasn’t the deal.”
“I’m making a small modification to the deal,” Rex said. “Not that I don’t trust you, but that ship doesn’t inspire confidence. You get half now, and half when we’re off Jorfu.” Rex reached into his jacket and pulled out the stack of ten thousand credits. “You said it yourself, you don’t have any choice but to trust us. We’ll get your money to Bergoon and you’ll clear another twenty grand on top of it. You’re not going to get another deal like that.”
Reba regarded Rex for a moment. “All right,” she said, taking the stack of bills from Rex. She handed him a scrap of paper. “The money’s already in the ship. These are the coordinates for the drop.”
Rex handed the paper to me. “Piece of cake.”
“Your launch window started two minutes ago, so I’d suggest getting in the ship.” She walked over to a panel on the wall and flipped a switch. The ceiling began to retract. “Good luck.” She walked out the door and we heard her hovercar zip away.
“You heard her, Sasha,” Rex said, starting up the ramp to the ship. “Let’s see what this baby’s got.”
I got into the cockpit of the Reductio ad Absurdum while Rex checked out the cargo hold. Judging from the dust and cobwebs on the controls, the ship hadn’t been flown for weeks. Maybe years.
“Found it!” Rex called. “Big crate. Really heavy. Man, there’s got to be a fortune in here.”
“Yes, sir,” I said, powering up the engines. So far, so good. “Perhaps if we get Bergoon’s money to him, he will forgive us for getting those smugglers killed.”
Rex laughed. “We’re not bringing this money to Bergoon. We’re going to ditch this ship the first chance we get, buy a better one, and then do some gambling in the Ragulian sector.”
“Is that wise, sir? We’re going to be in enough trouble when Reba realizes there isn’t any more money.”
“In for a penny, in for a pound,” Rex said. “That’s my motto, Sarah. Now get us off this damn planet. I’m going to see if I can get this crate open.”
I tentatively engaged the thrusters, and the Reductio ad Absurdum lifted off the ground. Maybe we would actually get off Jorfu after all. Giving it a little more power, the ship rose above the building. In the distance, I could see the ugly buildings of Yurgville. We were far enough outside the city that we were unlikely to be seen, but I decided not to take any chances. I banked left and hit the forward thrusters, taking us farther from the city as we gained altitude. Feeling more confident, I gave it more power and the ship roared into the sky. So far, so good. The only thing to worry about now was Ubiqorp’s planetary defenses. If Reba Fennec really had somebody redirecting their surveillance, we were in good shape.
“Aha!” Rex cried from the hold as we reached the upper atmosphere. “Got it open!”
As I didn’t want to spend any more time than necessary in orbit around Jorfu, I set about rationalizing a hypergeometric course. Guessing that Rex wouldn’t particularly care where we ended up as long as it wasn’t Jorfu or Gobarrah, I picked a medium-sized industrial planet at random. When I entered the coordinates, however, the nav system complained:
HYPERGEOMETRIC DRIVE OFFLINE
I felt a tightening in my chest. This wasn’t good. If the hyperdrive wasn’t working, our destinations were limited to planets in the Jorfu system. There were no other habitable planets in the Jorfu system.
I tried rebooting the nav system, but it didn’t help. I could only hope that it was something simple, like a loose coupling. I got out of the pilot’s chair and opened the reactor compartment. A sort of uncomfortable twisting feeling joined the tightening in my chest.
The reactor compartment was empty. Where the reactor was supposed to be, there were just two couplings that weren’t connected to anything.
“Blast it!” Rex cried from the cargo hold. “Sasha, we’ve been had! There’s nothing in here but a pile of bricks!”
“That’s not the worst of it, sir,” I said. “It appears that the zontonium reactor—”
The ship was rocked by a blast and I fell to the floor. “Unknown cargo ship!” a voice said over the ship’s comm. “This is Ubiqorp Planetary Security. Land at once! You have not been cleared to leave Jorfu!”
“What in Space is going on up there, Sasha?”
“We’re about to be shot down, sir,” I said. “Hold on.” I made my way back to the pilot’s chair and strapped in. I pushed the Reductio ad Absurdum into a dive as two more missiles shot past, barely missing us.
“Why are we diving, Sasha?”
“No choice, sir. Brace yourself.”
Another blast rocked the ship and we began to wobble crazily. We were less than a hundred meters from the ground when I finally managed to straighten out. Red lights flashed all over the cockpit and our thrusters were now at ten percent power. Not enough to keep us airborne. We were headed right toward a pair of rocky peaks, and the steering was barely responding. I did my best to point the nose of the Reductio ad Absurdum between them.
We missed the peaks but slammed into a rock formation just beyond them. The Reductio ad Absurdum spun several times end-over-end, then slammed into the ground and rolled half a dozen more times. Smoke was filling the cockpit and warning klaxons blared as the ship finally came to a halt.
“Sir!” I yelled. “We have to get out of the ship!”
Rex dragged himself out of the cargo hold, looking bruised and irritable, but not seriously injured. Working together, we managed to get the door open. I stumbled out of the ship, followed by Rex. We managed to get about twenty meters away before the Reductio ad Absurdum exploded.
“Well,” said Rex, regarding the flaming wreckage. “That didn’t go quite as planned.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
We spent the next six hours wandering through the barren wilderness of Jorfu. No one came looking for us. Either we were not a priority for Ubiqorp’s security forces or they assumed we’d been killed in the crash. Rex had wanted to try to walk back to Yurgville, but I insisted on going the opposite direction—not only because there were a lot of people in Yurgville who wanted to kill us, but because I thought I had seen a structure of some kind in the distance.
It turned out I hadn’t been imagining it. The building—a gigantic mirrored glass pyramid—was nothing like anything else we had seen on Jorfu. It was hard to judge the thing’s size—even now that I had both eyes in place. At first, I thought it was maybe two hundred meters tall, but as we got closer, it became clear that it was at least a hundred stories.
Out of the Soylent Planet (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 0) Page 9
