by Ruby Dixon
“Mmm. But we have a tribe of many kinds now. I am sure the games will be modified so all can enjoy themselves.” He pats Z’hren’s head lovingly. “Perhaps there will even be games for the kits.”
N’dek snorts, a derisive sound. I glance over at H’nah. She sits in the thick of things, but no one speaks to her. They all ignore her and the fragile smile on her face tells me she is painfully aware of it. I remember how she told me that she felt alone, that everyone hated her. I thought she was wrong, but when I see S’bren turn and give her a dismissive look, I want to leap across the fire and shove his head into the sand.
She has only ever asked one thing of me…and I said no. I hate that. I hate that I cannot give her what she needs. More than anything, I want to run away into the snowy hills with her, to take her away from everyone else and touch her until she no longer cares if they like her enough.
If we have each other, nothing else matters.
Perhaps I should go to her anyhow. Get to my feet, ignore her protests, and sling her small, soft body over my shoulder and carry her away. Do not let her say no to resonance. Do not let her say no to anything. But then she will hate me, and I will hate myself for forcing her. No, it must be her idea, no matter how painfully my cock throbs at her nearness.
As I stare hungrily at my mate, another female—the pink-maned mate of sa-khui T’shen—approaches her. She leans in and says something, and a look of utter panic crosses H’nah’s face. I am on my feet between the space of one breath and the next, ready to fix whatever worries her.
“Just a little bit longer,” H’nah says to the female. “I promise. I’ll find someone.”
Ah.
Before H’nah notices that I am leaping to her rescue, I quickly turn and move back to my spot near the fire, pretending to throw yet more wood onto it. I bend over and poke at the logs, and as I do, something yanks on my braid.
I look up and V’za is at my side, Z’hren’s small, sticky hands jerking on the rope of my braid. V’za looks curious and leans in, one hand supporting Z’hren. “What is going on with your female?”
I pry my braid out of Z’hren’s grasp and move back toward N’dek. “It is…nothing.”
“If it is nothing then why do you look so upset?” V’za follows me and plucks a stick from my wood pile, brushing off the sand before handing it to Z’hren.
The kit immediately beats on his arm with it, babbling loud noises. “Ba ba ba ba!”
V’za is a patient father. He merely winces as the stick slaps his arm over and over, and focuses on me. “Well?”
I straighten, telling myself I will not look over at H’nah. I will not. I stare at the ground instead. “She wants to go to the fruit cave with T’shen and his mate. She asked me to go with her…and I said no.”
“You should have said yes,” N’dek adds, his tone sour.
I pick up a large branch—too big to throw on the fire as it is—and snap it with a satisfying twist of my hands, imagining that it is N’dek’s neck. “I cannot leave you and you know it.” Because it is my fault that you are injured.
“I do not know why you keep saying that.” N’dek’s voice is flat. He throws a bit of wood into the fire and stares at it with a scowl on his face.
V’za gives me an uncomfortable look.
I straighten. One of the females was about to sit next to N’dek, but she carefully moves away, as if sensing an argument. I do not blame her. I am tired of N’dek’s frustrating attitude. “You mope near the fire all day and do nothing,” I say. I want to be crueler, but I cannot. He is my brother. “You act as if you wish you were dead.”
He looks away. “Perhaps I do.”
Hearing that makes me lose all caution. I am angry at him. Furious. How did we fight so hard to live for so long only for him to give up now? “But why?” I spread all four of my hands and stand in front of him. I know I am shouting, that others will stare, but I cannot help myself. “Why do you want to die when there is so much to live for? There are females. There is food for every belly. There is hope for all of us!”
N’dek looks up at me, his eyes narrowed. “What female will want me? I have only one leg.”
“And they have two arms where you have four! Why would they care how many legs you have?”
He shakes his head and averts his gaze. “It is not the same and you know it. Leave me be.”
I drop my arms and glance around, frustrated. Sure enough, everyone in camp is staring at us. The females watch us, open-mouthed, and R’jaal rubs his jaw, looking displeased. H’nah looks at me too, but I cannot tell what she is thinking.
I look back at N’dek. He stares into the fire, the same scowl he always wears on his face…and I realize he will continue to sit here all day, not caring. He will sit here through the games. He will sit here regardless of whether I am here or not.
K’thar is right. I am not helping him at all. My guilt—that I should have two good legs despite being on the same failed hunt he was—has taken control of me. I have coddled N’dek when I should have let him be. If he wants someone to carry him to his hut, let him ask.
Better yet, let him do it on his own. I cannot be everything to him, because it is not helping him and it is not helping me.
I turn to look at H’nah once more. She glances away, her gaze flicking to T’shen’s mate, her brows furrowing with worry.
This is something I can do that is for myself, I realize. Without another thought, I race out of the camp, heading toward the hut I share with N’dek. My hut. The hut I built hoping that H’nah would pay attention to me. She did not, so I chose to share it with N’dek, as if we were still home in the trees, at our clan’s nest.
And I have carried him to and fro. I have hunted for him. Gotten him food and drink when he did not want to leave his furs. Cared for him and made sure he wanted for nothing, hoping he would shake free from this. But he has not.
He never will as long as I continue to take care of him. K’thar is wise. He has stepped back, has only helped N’dek when asked to, and otherwise treated him the same as he would me. I did not understand this at first, thought he was being cruel. And I felt so guilty for N’dek’s injury that it seemed like it was my duty to help him.
But I am not helping him. I am letting him remain full of sadness. Perhaps the best thing I can do is leave with H’nah.
If I am honest with myself, there is nothing that I want more.
So I enter my hut and grab my leather carrying satchel I use when hunting. I dump everything I can into it as quickly as possible—boots, a heavy cloak, extra tunics, empty waterskins, and a bag of dried kah. When nothing else will fit inside the bulging bag, I put my hunting knife in my belt and grab my spear, then storm back toward the fire. I see T’shen and his mate have turned to leave, their packs on their backs, and I cut through the crowd, heading for the main fire where H’nah still sits.
I stop in front of her and offer my hand.
She looks up at me in surprise. “What? What do you want?”
“We are leaving,” I say. “With T’shen and his mate. We will go to this fruit cave.”
“We will?” Her voice raises into a squeak. “Wait, right now?”
“They are leaving,” I warn her. “Did you want to go or not?” If we go quickly, I will not have to look at N’dek. If I do, I am sure to feel guilt for abandoning him. But I cannot think about that now. I can only think of my mate sitting in front of me.
I cannot be everything to everyone. If I have to choose between N’dek and H’nah, I must choose H’nah. She is my mate. N’dek is my clan brother, but I know that once he realizes he is just as capable with one leg instead of two, he will pull himself out of his sadness.
I hope.
H’nah still gazes up at me, her lips parted in shock.
I shake my hand at her. “Do you wish to go or not?”
She jumps to her feet and puts her hand in mine. “Oh my god, yes. Please!”
Her hand is warm in mine, her fingers soft and
gentle as they flex against my skin. She looks up at me, her bright blue eyes shining with hope, and I try not to think about N’dek, or resonance, or anything other than H’nah.
Because she is all I truly need.
8
HANNAH
I immediately feel better the moment we leave camp. It’s like a thousand prying eyes have suddenly disappeared, and my shoulders feel lighter. The tension lurking at my temples eases. For the first time since arriving, I feel like smiling at the world around me. I don’t care that it’s snowy and cold and there’s more rock and ice in this world than anything else.
No one’s judging me. No one’s going to make some crack about me counting or needing to be in control. Out here, I’m free to start over and be a new person. To be the Hannah I know I am, not the one that everyone on this planet assumes I am—the needy, weepy control freak who doesn’t like to play well with others.
I’m so grateful that Taushen and Brooke let me tag along. I know this is just what I need.
And I don’t even mind that J’shel is here with me.
Sure, he wasn’t my ideal pick, but then again, would anyone be? I can’t imagine sitting here with S’bren or R’jaal or, gack, even A’tam. I don’t know the other guys all that well and haven’t exactly gone out of my way to make friends. J’shel is problematic because we’re resonating to each other, but so far he’s seemed content to let me have my space and he’s not nasty to me. He never jokes about counting and never makes me feel stupid.
So I’m going to enjoy this vacation and I’m going to relax.
Well…as much as one can relax while hiking through the mountains.
I haven’t left camp ever since we arrived, and I wasn’t exactly sure what I set myself up for when I agreed to go with Brooke and Taushen. Taushen’s just as strong and muscular as the other aliens, and J’shel is even more built than he is. Brooke is human, but she’s got strong legs and a slender build for all that she’s chesty.
Me? I am waaaay out of shape and sitting around a campfire for the last few weeks hasn’t helped things. We aren’t even out of camp for more than an hour before I’m panting hard and sweating. I fall behind the others, but I’m doing my best to keep up because I don’t want Brooke and Taushen to realize I’m going to slow them down and send me back. J’shel hangs back with me, offering me his hand when there’s a particularly icy part of the trail, but for the most part, I try to do it on my own.
This is some serious cardio. No wonder Brooke’s so lean. Liz and Harlow, too. They’ve been here a while and I’m guessing they’ve done their share of walking.
I didn’t realize just how rocky and craggy the cliffs are around here, either. The beach is nestled amongst high-walled cliffs that protect the shore from the worst of the wind, and it reminds me of beaches in Washington state, right down to all the rockiness and chilly waters. But once we enter the hills themselves, the landscape itself changes dramatically. Everything here is ice and snow and hard rock, and the paths that wind through the rocky crags are narrow and downright dangerous. The wind whistles and rips at my skin, bitterly cold and biting, and my face feels windburned after just a short time.
It seems like forever before we come out of a narrow, twisty path and a snow-filled valley spreads out before us. There are thin, whippy-looking trees, clumps of bushes, and in the distance, there’s a herd of the shaggy, white, pony-like dvisti.
I’m exhausted already.
Brooke groans at the sight and pats her stomach. “Taushen, babe, can we stop for a bit? I’m starving.”
He immediately moves to Brooke’s side and takes her arm, gently steering her forward. “Of course, my heart. Do you want a fire?”
“And some tea,” she says, letting him lead her forward. He guides her ahead, then dusts the snow and ice off of a boulder and she sits like a queen.
“Wait here,” he tells her, and she touches his face lovingly and then looks at me and pats the rock, indicating I should come sit with her.
“I will help him with the fire,” J’shel says quickly, dropping his pack at the base of the boulder. He offers me a hand up, but I shake my head and climb up the boulder on my own, managing to only look moderately clumsy instead of totally inept. When he is satisfied I’m settled, he jogs off after Taushen, his tail flicking in the air. I notice that his feet sink deeper and deeper into the snow, and though it doesn’t slow him down, I’m exhausted just watching him.
Not that I can tear my gaze away from him, of course. Now that no one else is around except for Brooke and Taushen, I’m free to stare as hard as I want. And I do stare. A lot. I watch as he catches up to Taushen quickly and they bend to collect a few chips of dvisti dung scattered on the snow. J’shel is all grace despite his four arms, gathering twice as fast as Taushen and with an ease that makes it seem as if he’s done this all his life. Every so often, his cloak catches in the breeze and shows off his rippling, muscular chest and my cootie goes wild in my breast at the sight.
“That’s so wild,” Brooke says. “I still can’t get over it.”
I glance over at her. “Get over what?”
“The color changing.” She gestures at J’shel. “He shifts colors as he walks, did you notice that? Sometimes it’s subtle, but it keeps happening.”
I study J’shel. I know his people are like chameleons, blending with their landscape, but I haven’t paid that much attention. I try to focus on his skin color, but I get distracted by the long rope of his braid and how it brushes against his tail. My cootie fires up and beats like a drum against my chest, embarrassing me. I rub my chest and look away, distracted. “The snow’s a lot deeper here,” I point out.
“Yeah, the cliffs and hills we just went through were the easy part. Now comes the slog.”
I look over at Brooke, dismayed. “Now it’s a slog?”
“’Fraid so.” She gives me a rueful grin. “Enjoy the break because these guys will keep going until they fall over. Or until we do.”
I bite back my groan. My sweaty hair is already frosting with ice from where the wind blows on it. I’m tired and I’m pretty sure I’m going to slow everyone down. “I’ll try to keep up.”
Brooke pats my hand. “You take all the time you need. I’m just happy to have another human along so I can enjoy the walk. If it was just me and Taushen, he’d get impatient with how slow I’m going and sling me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He doesn’t understand that part of the fun is the journey. So you take your time. If you need to go slower, speak up. They sometimes forget our legs aren’t as long as theirs.”
Her kind words make tears spring to my eyes. “Thank you for being so nice to me.”
She looks over at me and sees my tears, then gives me an impulsive hug. She smells like sweat and leather but I’m sure I smell worse. “Don’t cry. We’ve all been there. Some people fit into this right away as if they were born to be stranded on an ice planet. Some of us struggle more than others. You’ll find your way. Just be patient and more than anything, be kind to yourself. This life’s hard enough as it is.”
I sniff and nod, wiping away the tears that threaten. “I haven’t exactly been the easiest to get along with since we landed here.”
She laughs. “Who is? They’ll get over it. We all have to live together. That’s the thing to remember. I was terrified of Liz when I first landed here because she was loud and bossy and told it like it is. She doesn’t care if anyone likes her because they still have to live with her anyhow, you know? And if there’s one thing that all people appreciate, it’s someone that sticks to their guns.” She gives my cheek a pat. “Just enjoy your time away and forget the rest of the world for a while.”
“I can do that.” I manage a smile. Brooke really is nice. I’m so glad she’s let me come with them.
J’shel jogs up to us, and I notice that his color seems to be flaring from a lighter blue to a deeper shade, then bleaching white again. He moves to the edge of the boulder and leans in, frowning at me. “Are you
upset, H’nah? What is it?”
I watch, fascinated, as his tail lashes back and forth. One of his arms is full of dvisti cakes, but he reaches for me with one of his lower hands, as if determined to comfort me. It’s kind of…sweet. I’ve been unfair to this guy, I know I have, and he still reaches for me with kindness. “I’m okay,” I promise him. “Nothing a bit of hot tea won’t solve.”
Taushen dumps a pile of cakes near the boulder and then starts to dig out a pit for the fire. “Tea will be soon. There is a cache near here we should check as well.”
“We’ll take care of the fire if you guys need to check on the cache.” Brooke slides down the front of the boulder and lands with a little hop, her boots sinking into the snow. “Just promise me you’ll wash your hands before you make the tea.”
Taushen straightens and grins at his mate, then tries to grab her with his dirty hands. She squeals with laughter and races away as fast as she can in the deep snow, and then they fall into the drifts, laughing and tickling each other.
It’s so cute. They’re clearly in love and I’m envious of how happy Brooke is. I glance over at J’shel, but he’s still watching me with concern.
“I’m okay,” I promise him again. “Really. It’s just…nice to get away, you know?”
He leans in, his big hand touching my leg, and I can practically feel his warmth through the thick leather of my pants. “I should have taken you away days ago. I did not realize you were so unhappy.”
“You had your reasons to stay behind.”
“Foolish reasons,” he says with a shake of his head. “I realize that now.” He glances up at me and his color flashes slightly again. “But I am here with you and I will take care of you. I promise.”
And what can I say to that? So I just nod and smile and try to ignore the fact that Brooke and Taushen have stopped giggling and gotten quiet, even though they’re still lying in the snow together. Now I see why I needed a buddy. Even on an ice planet, a third wheel is never welcome.
