She blinked and looked away as tears began to surface. Not now. She couldn't break now. But when she looked at Stefan again, several involuntary gasps brought heavy tears slipping down her cheeks. She lowered her head and backed slowly, then turned and retreated into the shadows of the corridor. Thankfully she'd said her good-byes earlier, and no one, except possibly Gene and Otto, would miss her in the closing parade.
Pressing her way through the crowd, she pulled the hood of her rain cape over her hair and headed toward the wagon she'd leased, now loaded with her trunks. Sitting atop the box, she waited in the drizzling rain until she heard the final round of applause and knew Stefan was out of the cage. Then flipping the reins, she urged the horse across the lot. A cauldron of discontent simmered in her stomach as she guided the horse and rig onto the street, away from bittersweet memories of lights and glamour, of flying at the peak of the tent, of being held in Stefan's arms...
Twenty minutes later, she pulled up to the hotel and fetched porters to carry her trunks to her room. Once behind closed doors, she slipped out of her wet clothes and into her nightclothes, and without brushing her hair, climbed into bed, exhausted...
But sleep wouldn't come. For a long time she lay awake, tears rolling down her face, until at last she drifted into a troubled sleep where hundreds of lions skulked toward her. She screamed a silent scream, trying to run on feet mired in sand as the animals crept closer, until she heard their throaty growls, saw the deadly intent in their eyes, felt their breath on her face...
And awakened.
She lay staring into the darkness of the hotel room, afraid to sleep. Yet, without sleep, she didn't think she'd have the energy to struggle through the days to come, days without Stefan.
By morning the rain had stopped, but the air felt sodden and mournful, like a morose premonition. Tekla Janacek's prophetic dream, however, had not manifested, and Joanna felt satisfaction in that, and in the fact that gypsy omens were not to be taken seriously. The rawness of losing Stefan seemed greater now, but time healed all wounds, she reasoned philosophically.
Later that morning, as she listened to the clickety-clickety, clickety-click of the iron wheels beneath her, and stared out of the train window, she forced herself to think of the future with Matthew, Libby, little Robbie and the child she was carrying. But what she saw was the murky shades of skepticism stretching out like a long, dismal tunnel. At the end was light, but Stefan wasn't standing in it. The dreaded heaviness settled in her chest again and she felt the familiar sting of tears.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Vicksburg, Mississippi – three weeks later
"Son of a bitch!" Matthew slammed a knotted fist against his desk. "The moment I laid eyes on that gypsy bastard I knew he'd take advantage of you. And you were too damn naïve to know the difference between a man's love and a man's lust. I feel like calling him out! You're my sister. I have a right."
Impulsively Joanna placed her hands over her belly. Matthew was in no frame of mind to listen to reason, but she had no choice. The doctor's visit confirmed her suspicions, and Matthew had been the first to know. "But it wasn't like that," she tried to explain. "Stefan did not take advantage of me."
"For crying out loud, Jo. You're carrying his child."
She lowered herself into the chair facing Matthew's desk, wishing now that she had said something to Libby first so Libby could have prepared Matthew before this happened. But while she was mulling over how best to break the news, the terrible morning sickness hit so hard, Matthew called the doctor.
"When Stefan came to my stateroom," she explained, "he had no intention of... doing what he did. It happened because we love each other."
"Hell, Jo. The man needed a woman and you were right across the passageway. Love had nothing to do with it. If he loved you he would have married you."
"He did. Well, not exactly the way you think of it, but we are husband and wife."
"Not the way I think of it?" Matthew looked at her like she had just dropped in from the moon. "What in hell does that mean?"
Finding it difficult to look at Matthew, she said, while focusing on her clasped hands, "It means that after we... well, afterwards, Stefan told me about the gypsy custom that if a man and a woman elope, and their love is consummated, when the family finds them together they are considered married. That's what happen with Stefan and me."
"His family found you together... in bed?"
Joanna raised her eyes to Matthew. "No, but after Stefan told me about the custom, he said he wanted me for his wife, and he called me Mrs. Janacek, and that's what I wanted too. So we led his family to believe that we were actually married."
"And who were you supposed to have been married by?"
Joanna shrugged. "I suppose, the captain of the sternwheeler. The family never asked. It was just sort of implied."
Matthew leaned forward, the look on his face reminding her of their father, and said, "Which gave your gypsy lover the right to spend the rest of show season in your bed."
"Well, yes," Joanna admitted.
"Good God, Jo. I was being facetious. You mean that bastard really did come to your bed every night after that?"
"I wanted him to," Joanna cried, tears welling. "I love him. And I want this child. I thought at least you would understand."
"All I understand is that some gypsy lion tamer was getting it on with you every night by convincing you that you were his wife. A pretty big stretch of the imagination. How many other naïve women do you suppose he's shared this gypsy custom with? Have you asked yourself that? Well, you are not married in the eyes of the law, and the child you're carrying will be the bastard child of a gypsy. Thankfully, the man won't be a part of the child's life. I would just as soon not have wagons camping on our doorstep."
"The only reason Stefan will not be involved is because I won't let him," Joanna said.
"At least you had enough wits about you to set him straight on that," Matthew replied. "I imagine he breathed a sigh of relief when you let him off the hook."
"Matthew, you just don't understand!"Joanna said, blinking back tears and hardening herself to Matthew's misjudgment of Stefan. "I love Stefan, and he loves me, and the only reason we're not together now is because I cannot watch him with his cats day after day, knowing he could get mauled or killed. And he can't leave the show because training cats is all he knows."
"And you never thought of that before you let him crawl into your bed?"
"Yes, of course I thought of it," Joanna said. "But I was so worried about him, and after I fell to the net because my timing was off after seeing his animals in a huge fight during a performance, he knew how tense and upset I was, and he just wanted to make things better for me... take all the stress and anxiety away."
"Along with your virginity!"
Now she was mad. "He did not take my virginity!" Joanna snapped. "I wanted him. I wanted everything he offered me. He made me forget all the things that had been troubling me. He gave me what I wanted that night, and every night afterwards."
"Along with his child."
"That was not planned. But he offered to quit the show, sell his cats, and get a job and take care of me and our child."
"Then why didn't you let him?"
"Because he would be miserable," Joanna cried, tears she couldn't stop brimming over. "He'd be like a caged animal. His mother told me all about it because she had the same experience with Stefan's father when he quit the show and got a regular job. The man was miserable. So in the end, they went back to the show, and Stefan's father was killed by his cats. I can't go through what Helen Janacek with through. But I do love Stefan. He's an exceptional man. Not the man you describe. You know nothing about him."
For the first time, Matthew's face showed resolve. "So what do you intend to do?"
"I was hoping I could stay here with you and Libby for a while. And after the baby is born, I could work for you at the gymnastic academy and then get my own place."
"Of course you
can stay here," Matthew said, "I just don't want you to get your life back together and have the child settled here, and then have Janacek come prowling back into your life, convincing you to go back to the show with him. I think it would be best for the child if Libby and I adopt it and raise it as ours, and you present yourself as its aunt. We will send you away when you begin to show, and while you're gone, Libby and I will talk about adopting a child, and when the baby comes, we will present it as ours. I see this as the only way, Jo, and you have to trust me on this. The child would never have to know he or she is the bastard child of a gypsy. And you will again be marriageable. Right now your chances of marrying are slim to nothing. No man wants what another man has had."
"My being marriageable is irrelevant," Joanna said, "because I don't plan to marry anyone else. In my heart I'm married to Stefan, and there is no man who could take his place. And I refuse to adopt my baby out to you or anyone else. If giving up my baby is a requirement for staying here, then I'll find another place to live."
"Hellfire, Jo! You'd have your child here every day of your life!"
"But as his aunt!" Joanna cried. "He's my child and Stefan's, and I want to be his mother. I've never wanted anything as much as I want this child. It's all I have of Stefan. All I'll ever have of him."
Matthew balled a fist as if to pound the desk, then let it come to rest on the desk top, and said, "I would insist that Janacek marry you to keep the child from being a bastard, but that would give him power over the child's life. He could even take it from you if he chose to."
"I know," Joanna said. "That's why I won't marry him now, not in the legal sense."
"It sounds like he approached you with that idea. Did he threaten to take the child?"
"No" she said, "but he wants to have a part in raising it. But I need Stefan out of my life completely, because my seeing him now and again would be as troubling as watching him with his cats everyday. If he's in my life, even a little, and wants me to... wants to..." She looked down at her hands, and said, "If Stefan is near me, I would want him in my bed again."
"That's because having intimate relations is new to you," Matthew said. "Stefan isn't the only man with a... with... the means of making you feel things you wouldn't feel... without a man to make it happen. But he's not the only man who can satisfy you that way. Men and women are designed to give each other pleasure. It's just that Stefan's the man who took your virginity."
"He did not take it! I gave it to him! And he gave me far more in return. He gave me love and made me feel things I don't want any other man making me feel. And he gave me his child. And if he came here right now, all I'd want would be for him to make me feel like a woman again. Like his wife."
"That's because he gave you your first experience that way. There's nothing unique about Stefan Janacek, or how men and women come together. It is simple physiology."
"Except that I would be repulsed by having any other man in my bed." As she got up and started to leave the room, a sharp rapping on the front door caught Joanna up short.
"I'll get it," Matthew said, rushing around her.
Joanna's heart started pounding at the thought that maybe Stefan had come for her. Then she remembered she had not given him Matthew's address, so he wouldn't know where she lived. Nor did she know how she would, or should, react if Stefan did find her. But while she was deliberating, Matthew stepped away from the front door and Sally came rushing in.
"Oh, my gosh!" Joanna cried, hurrying to give Sally a hug.
"We're between trains," Sally said, "and I convinced Randolph to let me stop by for a brief visit. He's at the station checking on our train tickets, so I hired a hackney to get here. The driver will be back for me in fifteen minutes."
"I'm just so glad you stopped by," Joanna said. She noticed at once the wedding ring on Sally's ring finger, and for the first time, felt the lack of a ring on her own finger. She had not felt less married to Stefan because of it, because he had given her the star sapphire as a more meaningful symbol of their love. Inadvertently, her hand came up to where the sapphire had hung, and she felt the loss. Tears started to mist, but she blinked them away.
Sally reached in her purse. "I mainly came by to give you this." She unfolded a paper and handed it to Joanna.
Joanna looked at what appeared to be a crudely-drawn map with directions. "Why are you giving this to me?" she asked, trying to understand the map.
"It's directions to Stefan's house on the river," Sally said. It's not far from Memphis, near a town called Germantown."
Joanna looked at Sally, puzzled. "Did Stefan give this to you?"
Sally shook her head. "No, Walter Burke did. He thought you'd want it. I meant to mail it to you, but then we started on our honeymoon, and after visiting my folks and staying with my sister and her family, well, I forgot I had it until I found it stuck in the book I was reading when Walter gave it to me. I know that's kind of careless of me but—"
"For heaven's sake, Sally. You were on your honeymoon." Joanna looked at the hastily-scrawled map. "Why did Walter want me to have it?" she asked. "Stefan and I reached an impasse and further discussion will not change the circumstances."
Sally's brows gathered over questioning eyes. "Walter told me you and Stefan were married and that you walked out on Stefan. You never said anything to me about your getting married. When did all this happen?"
Joanna sighed. "It's kind of complicated to explain."
"It wouldn't be the first time you explained something complicated to me," Sally said, "so I'm all ears."
After explaining to Sally about their mock marriage, Sally gave her a guarded look and said, "Then Stefan hasn't tried to contact you?"
Joanna looked at her, puzzled. "Why would he? It was a clean break. I didn't expect to hear from him."
"Have you heard from anyone from the show?" Sally asked.
Joanna shook her head. "You're the only one I intended to keep in touch with."
"Then you don't know about Stefan."
"Don’t know what? He's all right, isn't he?" Joanna asked quickly, the familiar knot twisting in her stomach as her heart raced with anxiety.
"He's fine," Sally assured her. "But after what happened to Tony Bernardo—"
"You mean about his being arrested?" Joanna said in disgust. The mere thought of the man brought an acrid taste rising in her throat.
Sally stared at her, eyes unblinking. "You mean you didn't hear the rest?"
"Hear what?"
"Tony Bernardo was attacked and killed by one of Stefan's lions. It happened shortly after the performance. Tony broke away from the security guards when the police came to arrest him, and he ran into the menagerie tent and let one of the lions loose, but the lion turned on Tony and broke his neck instantly. I'm surprised you didn't hear. It was in all the newspapers. It was the same lion the authorities were going to impound."
"Rafat," Joanna whispered. "He was the lion Stefan was having trouble with. But... why would Tony open the cage and let Rafat out?"
"It was a diversion so he could get away," Sally said. "Tony was facing charges of attempted murder and up to twenty years in jail."
"What happened to Rafat?"
"Stefan stunned him with a club and dragged him back into the cage. By the time anyone got to Tony though, it was too late. Stefan's giving the lion to the Chicago Zoo. But what I was trying to tell you was that Stefan didn't renew his contract with Porter Brothers. I thought you'd want to know. Karl Porter was really burned."
Joanna said nothing as she tried to absorb everything Sally had just told her. Tony killed. Stefan left the show. She looked at Sally. "Did you talk to Stefan before you left?"
Sally shook her head. "I didn't hear about him leaving until he'd packed up his animals and was gone. He never said anything to anybody. Just left. That's when Walter gave me the map to give to you. He said you might want to know." After a long pause, she asked hesitantly, "How are you doing?"
Joanna felt her throat constric
t on hearing Sally's empathetic tone. "All right... I guess." Her eyes filled with tears.
Sally took her hand. "Obviously you're not. You haven't gotten over Stefan."
"No, I haven't." Joanna said, wistfully. "I'm also going to have his baby."
"Stefan's Baby?" Sally looked at her, stunned. "You never said anything. Do you know for sure. Sometimes it can be a false alarm."
Joanna nodded. "The doctor confirmed it. I'm five weeks along."
"Does Stefan know?"
"He suspects. But I did not want him to leave the show because he had to." Tears brimmed over and streamed down her cheeks. "I want this baby," she said. "It will be all I have of Stefan and I will not give it up to anyone."
"Then what do you plan to do?" Sally asked.
Joanna shrugged. "I'll be here with Matthew and Libby until the baby is born, then I'll work with Matthew at the academy until I make enough money to get my own place."
"That's not what I mean," Sally said. "Have you had any second thoughts about Stefan? He's no longer with the show now, so it's not too late to go back to him."
"But I'd still have a man who puts his life on the line every day."
"How do you know that. He's no longer with the show. But he's the man you love. If it was Randolph and I knew I could only have him for a year, I'd take that year and cherish it. You don't know what will happen. No one does. But is living alone with no worries really better than living in fear with the man you love? Who knows. Randolph could get run over by a wagon or thrown from a horse next week, or a year from now, or maybe five years from now. But even if I knew it was going to happen, I'd still have married him and followed him anywhere."
Joanna fingered the map to Stefan's house. "You'd really do that? Follow him anywhere?" She knew she was goading Sally for the encouragement she needed to rush back to Stefan. She'd been contemplating the idea for days. But until now, her stronger will had been in control.
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