by Bella Grant
God, she was a sweet girl! Why couldn’t I face my fears of failing and being inadequate? She was worth it, wasn’t she? But years of emotional imprisonment would take more than one day to set me free.
In the living room, I took the long couch and kicked off my shoes to lie down. We watched the game in silence, mostly because Shawn was a huge basketball fan and didn’t like anything interrupting his game, especially when the Bulls were playing. During half-time, he turned to me.
“You’ve got fifteen minutes to tell me why you’re fidgeting on that sofa,” he said. “You’ve been twisting and turning all night. Are you ready to give up this monk-like lifestyle and hit the strip club with me?”
I knew beforehand what he would say even before I confessed about my relationship with Emily, but I needed to talk about it. One month of having sex with and dating Emily without telling anybody about it had worn me thin.
“I’ve not been living a monk-like lifestyle,” I told him, aware that we were down to about ten minutes of conversation. “The truth is, I’ve been seeing someone for a month now.”
“You what?” Shawn exclaimed in disbelief. “How could you date for so long without me knowing about it? I know everything that goes on with you.”
“I’m in love with her, man.”
“With who?”
“Who do you think?” I asked sarcastically. “Emily, man. I’ve not seen a single female since I started living with her, and since we started sleeping together, everything just seems to fit.”
“I won the bet!” Shawn guffawed. “I knew you’d bone her. It’s you, Liam. You can’t help it. I’m surprised you lasted a month with her. Usually, you get bored in a couple days.”
“Screw you, man, she’s not like any other girl. She’s different.”
“Hah, so you got some good front. Big deal.”
“I swear, Shawn, if you don’t stop talking about her like she’s a piece of meat, I’ll fucking punch you!” I said through gritted teeth.
He sat up straight and stared at me. “Fucking hell! I can’t believe you’re serious right now. You fell for this chick? What happened to her being the roommate from hell?”
“But she’s not. She’s an awesome girl. And I love her.”
“Then what are you doing here instead of being with her?”
“We got into a huge fight this morning.” I sighed.
“Is that why you’ve been drinking a soft drink instead of liquor?” he asked, gesturing to the can of Coke.
“She hates it when I get drunk.”
“You mean to tell me you no longer drink?” Shawn demanded.
I scrubbed my hand over my face. Damn. I wished Nate was here instead. He would be able to appreciate what I was going through since he had a girlfriend.
“I do drink a beer or two when I’m at home, but if I do when I have to drive home, it scares the crap out of her so I’d rather not.”
Shawn shook his head. “Between you and Nate, I can’t decide who is worse. Is that what the fight was about?”
“No. She thinks I’m not doing anything with my life.” His silence made me look at him, and he made every attempt to avoid looking at me. “You agree with her,” I accused.
“Well, man, you can’t go very far in that music store.”
“What about you?” I fired back. “You drive a truck.”
“But you’re forgetting two things,” Shawn responded and started ticking off on his fingers. “One, I make way more money than you do. Two, my father owns this company, which means I’m learning the trade because one day it will be mine. I’ve something to look forward to. What do you have to look forward to, Liam? You’re so stuck in the past with what happened to your brother that you won’t allow yourself to move on.”
Shawn returned to the game as it came on immediately after his speech. I couldn’t concentrate on the television. I was busy ruminating on his words and how much truth was in them. I had a lot of thinking to do.
21
Emily
“Oh, thank God!” I sighed with relief when I walked into the apartment and Liam wasn’t there. Even though I’d had a few hours to calm down since our argument this morning, I wasn’t ready to face him. I wasn’t angry, I was disappointed, yes, and worried. Mainly worried.
After a month of dating Liam, I had thought he would be more receptive to me suggesting he think about how he would spend the rest of his life. I’d considered it some during our relationship, but given what I thought had caused me to dash to the bathroom this morning to empty my belly, I couldn’t wait for him to figure it out on his own.
If he couldn’t begin to think about taking on the responsibility for his life and doing something with it, how would he be able to take on the responsibility of another life? If, indeed, I was pregnant. I hoped I was simply a week late. What was the chance of getting pregnant from one night of sex? I’d started taking the pill again once I realized where our relationship was heading, but the flap in the packet of pills did state it took a week to become effective and other protective means should be used in that time.
At the apartment, I threw my messenger bag onto my bed and searched through it for the little box which would seal my fate. If it was negative, I could forget everything about my conversation with Liam and allow him to make decisions in his own time. If it was positive, I didn’t know what I would do. But the first thing was to do the actual test.
In the bathroom, I peed on the end of the stick as was demonstrated on the diagram. This was my first pregnancy scare, and I hoped it would be only that—a scare. The three minutes passed, and I couldn’t bring myself to return to the bathroom to check the result. I paced back and forth until I decided I needed support. I rang Miranda.
“Hey, girl, what’s up?” she answered on the second ring and sounded like she was driving.
How to tell my best friend I had told her nothing about sleeping with a guy and now needed her to come over to check my pregnancy test result for me? I decided to keep it short and simple.
“Hi, Miranda, what are you doing? You think you can come over for a minute?”
“Uh…sure. In fact, I’m not very far from you right now. Wanna tell me what’s going on? You sound upset.”
“I’d rather wait until you get here,” I replied anxiously. “Please hurry—but drive safely!”
“Okay, see you in ten.”
She made it in eight. I was so relieved to see her I almost broke down in tears when I opened the door and let her in. I’d been so afraid Liam would get home before she did and I would have to rush into the bathroom to hide the pregnancy test before he saw it.
“Emily, why are you freaking out?” Miranda queried. “This better not be another of those things where you get in a tizzy over something or another your roommate did. I thought you guys were getting along now.”
“That’s the problem,” I murmured, wringing my hands. “We’ve been getting along too well.”
“Huh?” Her face scrunched up in confusion.
“There’s something I’ve been hiding from you.”
“That you and Liam are banging each other?” she guessed. “Because it’s kind of obvious, the way you talk about him—the way you sound and look when you talk about him.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to add to that. I hadn’t suspected she’d figured it out, but if my mom had figured it out in one conversation with me, why did I think Miranda—who could read me like a book—would not?
“You’ve got boy trouble,” she stated. “Tell me all about it and we’ll fix it. Frankly, I think he suits your personality just fine. I like seeing you two together.”
“It might not be us two anymore,” I said softly. “It might be three.”
I watched her face as realization dawned on her. Her eyes widened like saucers and her mouth fell open in shock.
“No way!” she cried. “No freaking way, Emily. I told you to start taking birth control when you dated Jake.”
“But I didn’t see the
reason to continue when I left him,” I tried to explain. “I never expected to meet another guy so soon. I swear, I started taking them as soon as Liam and I started having sex, but there was that first crazy night. It just happened.”
“You have to be the unluckiest girl to get knocked up by one time of unprotected sex!” Miranda exclaimed in exasperation.
“Did I say one time?” I murmured, my face turning red. “It was one night, but it happened a couple times that one night.”
“Twice in one night?”
“Umm…more like four times, and then once more in the shower the next morning.”
“Wow!” she said in awe. “I’m trying to be mad at you, but I’m impressed as hell. Your boy’s got crazy stamina—but back to what you did. It was irresponsible. There are worse things out there than a baby, you know? And why didn’t you take a morning-after pill?”
“Because I didn’t think I’d get pregnant so easily.”
“And why wouldn’t you think that?” she fired back before she threw up her hands. “You know what, the deed is already done. No use going over the preventative measures since we have passed that stage already. Have you taken a pregnancy test to confirm or should we go get one?”
“I did one about half an hour ago,” I confessed. “But I can’t make myself look at it. That’s why I called you.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “So, we’re having this conversation and we aren’t even sure you’re pregnant? Okay, let me go check.”
I wanted to scream no at her. If I didn’t look, I could pretend for a little while that everything was the same and nothing had changed. She walked out and waved the pregnancy test she held with tissue paper. The way she flashed it wildly, I couldn’t even see what it said.
“Well, congratulations, mama!” she announced.
My whole body slumped in disbelief, and I fought the urge to cry. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Liam was an unsuitable father, given his fear of making long-term goals for his life. I was attending classes and working. How would I juggle a baby with all that? Moreover, we had two bedrooms—where would the baby go? Unless we moved into one bedroom permanently and converted the other into a nursery.
“Don’t cry, honey,” Miranda said softly as she sat beside me on the couch. She pressed the pregnancy test into my hand and rubbed my back. “It’s going to be fine. You’ve got options and—”
I shook my head to cut her off. “I could never get an abortion, Miranda.”
She sighed. “I suppose that would be unlike you. Whatever you decide, I will be here to support you, and I’m sure Liam will be too. I think he may be in love with you. The couple times we’ve been around each other, he watched you when you weren’t looking.”
“I know I love him,” I confessed on a deep, trembling breath. “But I don’t know if I can say the same about him. I love him so much and want the best for him…for us. I’d want us to keep this baby, but I don’t think he is ready for this, Miranda. We had a fight this morning, and he won’t even consider doing something with his life that is more meaningful. I don’t believe he’ll take kindly to the thought of me being pregnant.”
“What are you thinking? You can’t not tell him. Oh no, Em. That’s a big mistake. He’ll know eventually.”
“Exactly,” I agreed. “He’ll find out anyway, so why tell him now? I don’t want to pressure him. I’ll wait until I’m comfortable with the idea of being a mom before I bring up the subject.”
We sat on the sofa for a while, processing what this pregnancy would mean for me, and I told her it was probably best to leave before Liam returned home. I didn’t have to worry about that because I waited and waited, and he never showed. When it approached midnight, I gave up waiting for him and crawled into bed, tears soaking my pillow.
He had returned to his bad habit of staying out late and drinking. I just knew it, which was a result of simply suggesting to him that he think more about what he wanted to do with his life. What would he do when he found out about the baby? The scary thought depressed me, and I cried myself to sleep.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sleeping when I felt a dip in the bed and realized groggily I was no longer alone. I opened my eyes, and they took a while to adjust to the darkness in the room. I saw Liam sitting on the edge of the bed, taking his shoes off. I went from groggy to mad in a split second. He thought he could stay out as he pleased, without so much as a call or a text message, and return to lie up against me? My whole body tensed when he slipped under the sheet next to me.
“I know you’re not sleeping,” he commented and nestled himself against my rigid back, his hand on my hip to fit me closer to him.
“I was until you woke me,” I snapped. “Why didn’t you sleep wherever you were drinking?”
“You don’t smell alcohol on me, do you?” he returned. “Plus, you’ve seen me drunk and I’m sure you can tell I’m not.”
I remained silent because it was the truth. No stench of alcohol lingered on his breath, and when he drank before, I could usually smell him from a good distance.
“Where were you?” I whispered, not quite masking the hurt in my tone. “You didn’t even call.”
“I’m sorry. I thought about it several times but didn’t. I was working some stuff out. With Shawn, Em. I wasn’t with another woman, just in case the thought crossed your mind.”
It had, but I wouldn’t admit that to him. I yawned so hard tears popped in the corners of my eyes. I was tired and sleepy.
“Emily, before you go back to sleep, there’s something I have to tell you.”
“Can’t it wait until morning?” I asked.
“No. It’s better to talk about it while I still have the courage to. It’s about my brother.”
That propped my sleepy eyes open faster than any black coffee could. I was afraid to say anything for fear he would change his mind about talking to me. I’d waited so long for him to tell me what had happened between him and his brother.
“I feel responsible for Kyle’s death,” he started softly, and I could feel his body trembling a little against me as he recounted the details. “We were not alike at all, and it became more obvious as we grew older. Kyle was the serious one, the one who went to church with my parents and didn’t mind. He enjoyed going. I was the opposite. My parents are strict Christians, and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t share their belief. I gave up trying to win their approval after a while. I thought nothing could get worse, but I was wrong.”
He pressed his face to my neck, and I felt his tears dripping against my skin. My heart ached for him, but I let him continue.
“We were both at Auburn University, and on his birthday, I convinced him to go out with me to a strip club to celebrate. I thought I was doing him a favor. He was a virgin at twenty-two, and all his time was spent at the church. I couldn’t understand why he thought that was fun. Later, I realized he loved it, and I should have left him alone. That night, we were going home from the club, but we were both drunk. I should never have let him get behind the wheel. I fell asleep, and I’m not sure what happened. I woke to screaming and we crashed. He was thrown from the car because he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. I had some scratches. By the time I got to him, he was already dead.”
“Oh, Liam.” I turned over in his arms and hugged him to me as he sobbed.
“It should have been me,” he cried. “He was the good one and it should have been me.”
“No,” I disagreed strongly. “You were both wrong and you made decisions that night which might not have been wise, but he didn’t have to go either. It was his choice. You can’t blame yourself for his death.”
“But he didn’t want to go. I forced him.”
“Oh, Liam, you can’t do this to yourself. You’ve got to let it go.”
“My parents can’t stand my guts.” He laughed bitterly. “You’re the only one I have, Em, and I don’t want to lose you, but it’s hard. It’s hard to raise expectations and be a disappointment. If I have litt
le responsibility, nobody expects anything.”
I rubbed his back and allowed him to cry. He curled up against me, and I heard his light snores in minutes. I always joked with him about him letting me fall asleep first because it was hard to fall asleep to his snores. But it wasn’t the snores that kept me awake. It was knowing that now wasn’t the time to tell him about the baby. If the thought of responsibility was enough to make a wreck of him, I could imagine what a baby would do to him.
It was a long time before I could fall asleep.
22
Liam
“Hey, I wondered where you were,” Emily commented as I walked into the apartment. It was almost nine at night. She was seated at her computer, doing school work as usual.
I walked over to her and kissed her cheek. Two weeks had passed since I spilled my guts about what had happened to Kyle, and I felt a whole lot better—not fully healed, but getting there. I had started working on a demo track, which was where I had come from. I hadn’t told Emily yet, though, and I was running out of excuses for coming in late at nights. The studio I’d booked to work on the demo was expensive but offered lower rates at nights, which was a better option for me. It also helped that my boys had dipped into our trip savings— the one we never did decide to take— in support of me.
If she got a whiff of what I was doing, she would be excited, but I was hesitant about raising her expectations. I’d rather wait to see if I got a call back on the demo before breaking the news to her.
“Just hanging out with my boys,” I replied, resting my chin on her shoulder.
“And…” she started then trailed off to take a deep breath. “You sure you’re not seeing someone else?”
“What?” I asked in surprise, and she turned to stare at me with a serious expression on her face.
“I’ve been thinking you’re seeing someone else,” she repeated. “You’ve been gone a lot lately.”
I pulled her out of the chair, stunned she would even think such a thing. The old Liam would have, but since that first night our bodies joined in a union as old as time itself, I knew I couldn’t cheat on her. I risked losing too much. I doubted I would ever be able to find another woman like her, one who matched me in every way that counted.
