She sniffed and nodded, her smile wobbly but brilliant. “I’ve never been more all right in my life.”
Slowly he eased out of her, not wanting to add to whatever soreness she was bound to feel. He rolled over and pulled her onto his chest. “Stay with me,” he said. “Stay the night with me, Rach.” Stay forever. But he couldn’t say it. Not yet, not until he told her the truth. “Stay the weekend.”
Rachel’s heart swelled. It was a start. It was more than she’d hoped for. “I have to work tomorrow.”
“So do I, but come here after. Alma and Joe are gone for the weekend, and Cody—well, you know about that,” he said, smiling, “since you’re bringing him home Sunday. But he’s never spent the night away before. I might get scared if I have to stay here all by myself.”
“Don’t worry.” She snuggled closer. “I’ll protect you.”
“I knew I could count on you.” Then he kissed her to seal the bargain.
“Come with me Sunday,” she said. “To the ranch.”
He looked at her from the corner of his eye. “Will there be a lynching?”
She laughed. “I doubt it. You’ll be welcome there.”
Finally he nodded. “Okay.”
They made love again, then Grady gave her an all-new experience in the shower. Afterward they rifled through Ray and David’s video collection and found a copy of High Noon. With a bowl of popcorn balanced on Grady’s washboard stomach, they slid the cassette into the VCR and ate popcorn in bed while quoting all the best lines to each other.
Grady knew that he could never let her out of his life again. She had to love him. She couldn’t have given herself to him if she didn’t love him. Could she?
But any discussion of a future between them was likely to become tense, because he fully intended to force her to listen to him this time as he finally told her the truth about LaVerne and Cody.
So that discussion would wait, because this night belonged to the magic of simply being with her.
The next morning, after reluctantly watching her walk up to the clinic for the day, he spent hours planning what to say to her, how to bring the subject up. But by the time she came back to him Saturday evening, he had missed her so damn much that it took three long, deep kisses to steady him.
Then he backed away and held her at arm’s length.
Rachel saw the serious expression in his eyes and felt her stomach tighten. Here it comes, she thought. He was going to tell her…what? That he didn’t want her anymore? She couldn’t believe that. Not after the way he’d just kissed her.
“What?” she finally asked him when he just stood there and looked at her.
He took a deep breath before speaking. “You said you didn’t want any promises.”
The nerves in her stomach wound tighter. “Yes. I did.”
“That’s not good enough for me. I do want promises. If that’s going to be a problem for you, tell me now, Rach.”
Her pulse began to race. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. She gulped in a breath and said, “I’ve changed my mind about that. I want promises, and more.”
“More?”
“I love you, Grady.”
“Rachel…”
“If you feel the same way, I want us to get married.”
Grady thought his knees might fold up any minute. “You trust me that much, when you haven’t ever let me tell you—”
“We weren’t married back then. If we get married now, I’ll expect you to stay faithful until the day you die. Last night I said I could survive if you betrayed me again, but I was wrong. I couldn’t, Grady. I just couldn’t.”
“I would never, ever, betray you with another woman.”
“Again.”
“What?”
“You would never betray me again. I want you to say it, Grady.” She’d thought about nothing but this all day long. More than once since moving back home he’d said he wanted to tell her the truth about what happened. She didn’t want to hear any details. It would kill her to hear him talk about sharing with LaVerne Martin what he’d shared with her last night. It nearly killed her just to think of it.
But sometimes she got the impression that he thought she, Rachel, had somehow wronged him, by not listening to him that day he’d come to see her.
“I don’t want any details, please,” she told him. “But if you would just admit that you cheated on me and promise never to do it again, we’ll call it done. I want you to admit it once, and then I don’t ever want to talk about it again.”
His hands slid from her shoulders and he stepped back. “That’s mighty generous of you,” he said tightly.
“I’m not trying to be generous. I just want us to clear the air, that’s all.”
“Oh, we’ll clear the air, all right. You wouldn’t listen to me five years ago, but by God, you’re going to listen to me now. If you love me the way you say you do, you owe me that much.”
“I owe you?”
“That’s right.”
Oh, God. Why had she opened her mouth? She’d been much happier with her head in the sand. She should never have asked him to admit it. Now he was angry, and she was getting that way herself, and everything was ruined.
“You all but pushed me out of your house and slammed the door in my face that day. One phone call, one lousy phone call from some damn nurse you went to school with, and you believed every word she said without ever once asking me if it was true.”
“I—”
“You never asked, Rachel. You never said, ‘Grady, tell me it isn’t true.’ All you said was get out. Well, I got out, but no more, dammit. This time you’re going to listen if I have to hog-tie you.”
Anger drained out through her toes and left a sick feeling in its wake. “I don’t think I can take this.” She turned away, unable to bear hearing him talk about his having slept with LaVerne.
“I think you can, Rachel.”
“No.” With panic chasing her, she ran for the front door.
“Rachel, dammit, I’m not Cody’s father.”
She stopped, whirled. “You would lie? Now? After last night, you would stand there and lie to me? Oh, God!”
She made it to her car and spewed gravel all the way to the highway. Never. She could never trust him again. To lie about such a thing…He might as well have reached inside her chest and ripped out her heart with his bare hands.
It felt like she was dying.
Grady stood in shock as she ran out of the house. Damn her. She hadn’t believed him. She claimed she loved him, yet she refused to trust him enough to listen. She wouldn’t listen five years ago, and she wouldn’t listen now.
The hell she wouldn’t. She wasn’t getting away with it this time. With determined strides, he went to the safe in his father’s office and retrieved the diary. If Rachel wouldn’t believe him, maybe she’d believe LaVerne.
He almost caught up with her on the highway, but not quite. He considered it a good sign that the sheriff wasn’t around to catch him speeding. He wasn’t in the mood to go another round with three goons. Although the way he was feeling just then, he figured he could have taken them all on and come out on top this time.
“Damn her.”
When he hit the edge of town he saw her three blocks ahead as she turned off Main onto the street where she lived. By the time he pulled up behind her in her driveway she was slamming her front door shut. He grabbed the diary, marched up her steps, and pounded on her door.
With each blow of his fist to her door, Rachel flinched. “Go away!”
“I’m not going away. Open the door.”
His voice rang with fury. What did he have to be angry about, damn him? Just because she didn’t want to listen to more lies? Or worse, the truth about how he’d slept with LaVerne? A shudder worked its way down her spine at the thought of listening to that particular tale.
No way. She wasn’t going to listen, he couldn’t make her listen.
At least the pounding had stopped. Maybe he’d given up a
nd gone away. She wanted him to. She was sure of it.
She went to the front window and tried to see out the crack in her drapes. His pickup was still there behind her car, but—
“You really should learn to lock your back door, Rach. No telling who might walk in—”
She whirled on him. “Uninvited,” she finished for him. “All right, you’re in. Say what you have to say, then get out.”
“Oh, yeah,” he said, half under his breath. “She really loves me, all right.”
“I’ll get over it.” She saw him flinch. “Go ahead,” she said. “Spill your guts about how you ended up in bed with that little—” She stopped and took a deep breath. She would not speak ill of a dead girl who couldn’t defend herself. She would not speak ill of the mother of a little boy she adored.
“No,” Grady said slowly. “I don’t think I am going to tell you what really happened. You’ve already made up your mind not to believe me, haven’t you?”
“If you’re going to tell another whopper about not being Cody’s father, when he’s the spitting image of you, I’m not likely to believe a word you say. How can you deny that sweet little boy? What kind of man are you? How could I ever have thought I loved you?”
“I can’t imagine, but when you figure it out, let me know. Meanwhile, since you won’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe this.”
She eyed the book he held out to her as if it were a particularly poisonous snake. “What is it?”
“It’s pretty interesting reading, actually. It’s LaVerne’s diary.” He tossed the journal onto her sofa and pulled open the front door. “And just for the record, there’s a reason Cody’s eyes are brown, like David’s.”
He couldn’t have shocked her more if he’d suddenly grown elk horns on his head. “Grady?”
He stopped with his hand on the door knob and looked over his shoulder. “Have I finally got your attention?”
“Grady, what are you saying?”
“Read the diary, Rachel.”
“You’re…you’re leaving?”
“I’m going home.” He closed the door quietly behind him.
Rachel stood in the center of her living room for a long time and shook.
August 10
Dear Diary:
She doesn’t deserve him. She’s not woman enough for a man like Grady Lewis. But I am. They’re leaving for college in a few days. I don’t have much time to get him to notice me.
August 14
Dear Diary:
I can’t believe what I did tonight. Celebrated my eighteenth birthday in grand style. Grady leaves for Laramie tomorrow, so I hung out at the Wagon Wheel. I told Daddy I was meeting girlfriends there. I don’t think he believed me, but he didn’t say anything. As of today, I’m an adult, so what could he say?
Anyway, I went to the Wagon Wheel because I heard Grady and she—her?—no, she—would be there, with their families. A going-away party to send them off together. I got him out on the dance floor once—had to drag the sorry so-and-so. But then Rachel came along and took him away. She’s always taking him away.
But I showed him. Or at least, that’s what I set out to do when I found his brother at the church wiener roast in the park. It was easy to lure him away. He’s not too smart. Before tonight I would have called him a dumb retard. Have, as a matter of fact, several times. All I had to do was tell him Grady was waiting for him, and he came right along like a trained puppy on a leash.
I figured, if I can’t have Grady, David will do. If he knew how to do it, that is. Ha ha. I was desperate, or I never would have bothered with David. But I have to be able to throw it in Daddy’s face that I made it with an Indian. He hates Indians, ever since Mama ran off with that Cherokee from Oklahoma when I was ten. The mean ol’ goat’s been taking it out on me ever since, and I’m tired of it. So tonight, I showed him.
I’m not sorry, either. I figured I might be, seeing as how it was David I was making it with instead of Grady. But you know what? David was so sweet, and he got so excited that I laughed, but he didn’t care. He laughed too. He didn’t make fun of me or call me names like some of the boys I’ve done it with have.
Maybe I won’t tell Daddy. In fact, I better not, or he’ll take out after David when he’s through hitting me, and poor David is too sweet and innocent to protect himself from a bully like my daddy.
I guess it’s a good thing Grady’s leaving town in the morning, though, because when Grady found David on my porch and drove off with him, Daddy pulled up and saw him leave. But he only saw Grady. So I guess I got what I wanted. Daddy knows I made it with an Indian. He’s just guessing the wrong Indian.
Rachel trembled as she continued reading. In her own hand LaVerne told of finding out she was pregnant, of knowing it was David’s child she carried. When her father found out about her condition, she’d kept David’s identity a secret. Her father knew she ran fast and loose, so when he accused her of not knowing who the father was, LaVerne let him think that was true. Then he’d remembered seeing Grady drive away from their house that night, and assumed he was the father. And she let him think that, too.
Then she told of her father shipping her off to her aunt’s in Casper so no one in Wyatt County would know she was pregnant. He told her she could come home whenever she wanted, but not with a baby. It was up to her if she got rid of the baby now, or after it was born. Either way, he wanted nothing to do with it. He had his position in the county to think of. He didn’t want people thinking he couldn’t even control his own daughter.
Rachel had never held any affection for LaVerne Martin, but the entries she wrote in her diary while at her aunt’s stirred her to pity. The girl had been achingly homesick. She’d missed her friends, and had even missed her father.
But if Sheriff Martin was stubborn, his daughter was more so. She’d decided she wanted to have her baby at home in Hope Springs, and she was going to keep it. She would love it and raise it, and it would love her. Finally, somebody would love her.
LaVerne hadn’t thought there would be anything wrong with the baby, like there was with David. She knew that David hadn’t been born retarded. He’d gotten that way by getting kicked in the head by a horse when he was little.
Her last entry was from the night before she planned to leave for home.
Rachel closed the diary and ran her hand over the cover. It was stained. Just like LaVerne’s life. Like her death.
A drop of water dripped onto the back of Rachel’s hand and rolled off onto the book’s cover. A tear, she thought in dull surprise.
She knew what had happened, or most of it, after LaVerne had come home. She must have returned the same evening Rachel and Grady came back from Laramie that year. Grady had taken Rachel to the Flying Ace, then had headed home. She remembered that it had been nearly midnight when he dropped her off.
He would have had to drive back through town to get to the Standing Elk. He’d told them at the hospital that he’d found LaVerne wandering beside the road, beaten and bloodied.
Had she had the diary with her? Was that how Grady ended up with it?
LaVerne had given birth that night to a baby boy who looked a great deal like the man who’d brought her to the hospital. She’d given Grady’s name for the blank on the birth certificate marked “father.”
Then the sheriff had arrived, and LaVerne had died. Of childbirth complications compounded by internal injuries from the beating she’d received. The sheriff had blamed Grady and said that he was turning the baby over to the state to be put up for adoption.
From Dr. Ray she’d learned that he and Grady had tried to stop the sheriff from taking the baby. After all, Grady was listed as the father. But when they went to see the district judge, the sheriff—the judge’s cousin, no less—came swaggering out of the judge’s chambers with a possum-eating smile on his face.
As the baby’s father, Grady was a single, unmarried college student with no job. The baby’s grandfather was a highly respected county sheriff, who felt
the baby would be better off being adopted by a family that would be able to give it every advantage. That was what the judge told them.
Grady hadn’t stood a chance. He had done the only thing he knew to do to protect the baby. He’d taken him and run.
But not before trying to explain to her, Rachel thought.
And she hadn’t listened. Hadn’t let him explain. Hadn’t trusted him enough, hadn’t believed in him.
“God, Grady. I’m so sorry.” If only she had listened to him, believed in him. They could have been married, and with his father and her brothers helping them, they could have provided a home for Cody that no judge would have quarreled with, not even Sheriff Martin’s cousin. Grady wouldn’t have had to leave everything and everyone he’d ever known to keep his brother’s son from being raised by strangers.
Realizing the magnitude of what she had caused, Rachel put her head down on LaVerne’s diary and wept. She wept for herself, for Grady, for Cody, for Dr. Ray. And oh, God, she wept for David. She even wept for LaVerne. But mostly she wept for Grady, for it was he who paid the highest price for her lack of faith.
With one hand braced beside the patio door, Grady nursed a beer and stared out into the backyard and the lengthening shadows.
Was she reading the diary? Would she believe it?
She had to. God, she had to.
Had he been too hard on her, too angry? Too mean?
He pressed his forehead against the glass door and closed his eyes, willing her to come. She had to come.
“You really should learn to lock your front door. No telling who might come in—”
“Invited,” he said, whirling toward her, his heart thundering, his mouth suddenly dry. “Always invited.”
“Even—” She stopped, steadied herself. “Even after the way I’ve acted?”
“You read it?”
She nodded. A tear slipped down her cheek, and the sight of it nearly killed him.
The Price of Honor Page 18
