Her breath sped, and when I flicked my gaze upward, the same look of fear from earlier flashed in her eyes. The moment was lost and I dropped my hand away. “You had a little—” I cut off my own explanation. She didn’t care why I’d done it, just that I had. “Never mind.”
“Clay, I—”
“If you’re not comfortable with me sharing the bed, I really am happy to stay out here. In fact, it might be—”
She wrapped her hand around my forearm. “I don’t mind. I’ve slept in far worse situations before. When I was homeless, I used to sleep on the ground.”
I tried not to feel the barb of the insult, but it was hard.
Her gaze found mine and her bottom lip wobbled. “Will this ever get easier?”
As much as I wanted to respond, I didn’t have an answer for her. The truth was, I couldn’t see how it could. At least, not until I had to make my own way in the world away from them all.
“I’m going to shower and change and then head to bed,” I answered instead.
“What about the rest of your sandwich?”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
When I stepped out of the shower, Evie was already curled up in bed. I slipped in beside her and rolled to face the other way. I wondered how long we could really keep up the charade—and how long we might have to.
ONCE AGAIN, I had another night where I did little sleeping.
Almost as soon as Evie had fallen asleep, her body migrated toward me. It was impossible to ignore the siren’s call of lying next to her. I twisted to face her, studying her features in depth now that I could. Her lips moved and twitched as though she was speaking in her dream, but otherwise she was still. It was the little things that I noticed about her that made my body sing for her. The curve of her cheek, the color of her hair, the softness of her jaw. She wasn’t necessarily catwalk beautiful, but she shone brighter than any diamond to me.
My fingers reached out of their own accord. An instant before they weaved into her hair, I pulled them back and tucked them under my pillow. Just being near her made my skin burn in the most wicked but delightful way. The last thing either of us needed was for me to muddy the already murky waters further by admitting that I was attracted to her. She expected me to be a man I couldn’t be anymore. She’d made that clear every time she mentioned Saint Clay and one of his holy deeds.
It would be unfair to both of us to allow my desire to take over the situation. I would just have to rein it in until we were finally free of each other.
Not that I’d ever be free of her memory.
Maybe another trip to the River Lethe was in order when everything went south. This time, I’d have to have someone trusted there who could help me forget all about the phoenix entirely. Except that would mean saying goodbye to the twins and leaving them fatherless, and I didn’t think I would be able to do that.
It meant I was stuck in the situation with no way to escape. Somehow that made me as happy as it made me miserable.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
THE SECOND TIME Evie fell back to sleep after waking to see to the twins, she curled closer to me than before. One of her legs wrapped over my thigh and she was so close to me it was impossible to ignore the call any longer.
Taking care, I lifted one hand and traced it through the air near her cheek. I didn’t have to touch her to feel my body’s instinctive reaction to her. Even as my fingertips hovered a fraction of an inch over her skin, they burned with pleasure from the fire in Evie’s aura. It wasn’t warmth like Dad had said I’d need to watch for, but an ache that echoed from the very depths of me and made me long for more.
Lying with my face just inches from hers, I watched mesmerized by the play between our auras. They danced together, twisting and twining with my proximity. As I moved my fingers closer to her, the colors grew more intense, deepening to a rich eggplant purple. The twisting in my stomach, and in my groin, intensified and I began to wonder what it would be like to kiss her. To hold her. To make love to her.
I clenched my teeth and rolled away from her. Maybe it would be for the best that things were going to end sooner rather than later. At some point over the last two days, I had fallen desperately in love with her, but she still looked at me with a sense of sadness in her eyes. I would never be more than a reminder of a love she’d had long ago. The sight of that sorrow was suffocating because I could never live up to the expectation she had in her mind about who I was—or who I should be.
After managing to squeeze in a few fitful hours of sleep, I woke before her. I went into the kitchen and put together something for breakfast from the bits and pieces she had in the house. It wasn’t exactly the buffet spread we’d had the morning before, but it was edible and might prove to Evie that I wasn’t a complete idiotic waste of space.
She crept out of the bedroom still in her pajamas and with her hair in a crazy stack.
“Sorry I didn’t get changed, this just smelled too good.”
I slid a plate in front of her. “Thanks.”
She took a sip of the cocoa I’d made for her. “So is this what I can expect every morning?” she teased.
“Depends if you play your cards right.” I offered her a smile to show her I was trying to do what I could to make it easier for us both.
We ate in relative silence, but unlike the atmosphere around us since my confession about not remembering, it was a comfortable silence. The quiet was an invited guest rather than a menacing presence.
“How long do you think we have before the twins wake?” I asked.
As if the question set some panic in her mind, she dropped her knife and fork and rushed to the nursery. “Are they okay?” she asked when I followed behind her.
“What do you mean? Of course they are.”
“Their auras though. They haven’t weakened or grown dimmer or anything?”
“No. They’re both perfect, Evie.”
She breathed out a sigh. “Good. The last thing I need on top of everything else is for something to happen to either of them.”
Everything else. I wondered if that was code for the problem of Saint Clay and me.
I blew out my frustration and spun on my heel to finish my breakfast. Although I’d expected her to follow behind and return to her food, she didn’t. Telling myself it was just that the twins had stirred, I pushed the worry out of my mind and cleaned up the breakfast dishes.
When I still hadn’t seen or heard from her by the time I finished, I snuck back toward the nursery. Instead of finding Evie with one of the twins in her arms, as I’d expected, I spotted her on the floor with her hand pressed over her mouth and tears flooding her eyes.
“Evie?” I was driven to her side by need and fell to my knees. “What’s wrong? Are Ava and David okay?” They still looked okay to me, but maybe she’d seen something I hadn’t.
A sob ripped from between her fingers. At first she nodded, and then she shook her head and her tears welled again.
“You’re scaring me,” I admitted in a whisper as I brushed her hair from her face.
“It’s…it’s…Ava. She’s a phoenix.”
There was nothing in her statement that surprised me. I’d noticed the little difference between Ava and David. Surely she hadn’t just noticed that? “I figured as much. She has your coloring and the heat Dad warned me you’d have.”
I tried to comfort her, but she shoved away from me.
“You did this!” Her fists were tight and her eyes blazed as she glared at me.
Confusion wasn’t a strong enough word to explain the way I felt. “Did what?”
“She’s not just a phoenix. The sunbird is awake.”
I recalled her saying something about the sunbird tying us together, but that didn’t make any sense in the context of her words. I wished she’d just tell me what was wrong.
“God damn you, Clay!” Her entire being echoed the betrayal that had existed in her eyes as long as I’d known her. Her breaths were ragged and she looked ready to t
ake a swing at me. “You should know this.”
I wrapped my arms around her again. Her panicking and breaking down in front of the twins wasn’t going to do anyone any good. I had to get her out of the room so her tears didn’t worry them. Using my strength to resist her trying to draw away, I guided her out of the nursery. As soon as we were in the living room, I released her. She dropped onto the sofa and pressed her hand over her mouth again. She leaned forward, and I took that as permission to wrap my arms around her again. When she broke in my arms, I figured it was what she needed.
There was something I needed more.
“You’re right,” I said when I felt I’d been patient enough. “I should know what you mean, but I don’t. If it’s something that I should worry about, then . . . well, then you need to tell me. You know I care for Ava. I don’t want to see either of them hurt, especially not by me.”
Just when I thought she was going to offer me more riddles rather than any answers, I realized she was telling me about the reason I should be panicked. A story about a powerful being that tied itself to the soul of a phoenix. A being that created the ability for the phoenix to rise from the ashes, but also provided all of her magic.
“So the sunbird wakes for seven years?” I clarified.
“And only seven years. But she’ll always be a target.”
I understood what Evie meant instantly. People like my father would always view my daughter as a monster no matter what we did. She would be a target without any way of protecting herself. Another part of what Evie had said poked at my mind with deadly accuracy. The sunbird only woke for true love, or on threat of death. I saw why she blamed me. I blamed me. Even though I was certain of the answer, the question was on my tongue. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe something else happened to lead to this course of events. “It’s my fault, isn’t it? My attack . . . it woke the sunbird?”
Evie’s tears started again as she nodded. “I think so.”
I couldn’t sit still a moment longer. It was impossible to contain everything I’d been holding back since I’d arrived at Evie’s with the intent to destroy her and left already halfway in love with her.
“God damn it!” I cried as I smashed my hand into the wall of the living room.
The loud boom of my hand reverberated through the small house and was followed a second later by two screams. Fuck!
Evie was already off the couch and back at the nursery by the time I arrived. She glanced down to the pair of them and offered a small smile. I saw why when I caught the fact that Ava and David were holding hands. It gave me some small consolation—no matter what happened with Evie and me, Ava would always have David. They’d protect each other, I was certain of it.
Evie turned to leave and ran straight into me—as if she hadn’t expected me to be there. When her eyes widened in surprise, I placed my finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to meet mine.
“Dad has to pay for this.” I tried to make it as clear as I could that I was all on board for that. If I hadn’t seen what I had, and heard the truth echoed to me from so many different places, I might not have believed it. Now, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make him pay. “He orchestrated this whole thing. He convinced me to hurt you, but all I’ve done is hurt my family. First Ethan and now Ava.”
Evie closed her eyes. “He asked about you yesterday.”
“Dad?” When would she have spoken to him?
“No. Ethan. He wanted to know why you didn’t visit with me.”
It was exactly the statement we both needed to push the worry over Ava out of our heads. Ethan was a more immediate concern. He was someone who could either unravel everything, or help us pull off the con. After talking about his possible reactions, we both agreed that it would be best to let him know the truth—and the sooner the better.
“I need to make a phone call,” I said after we’d come to our agreement.
“But you don’t know when Ethan will be available.”
“Regardless, I have to deal with Dad before he gets impatient and tries to do something he’ll regret.”
Evie didn’t follow me into the bedroom as I went to call Dad. It was a good thing, because what I was going to say could shake her trust in me if she overheard it.
“I’m halfway there,” I said to Dad.
“What do you mean?”
“Ethan should be out of the court soon, and as soon as he is, I’ll bring him to the phoenix’s house. I’m going to make sure he brings Louise with him.”
“And then what?”
“Then I kill the phoenix and her child, and bring our family back together.”
“She’s not going to be a threat before then?”
“I told you already. She has no powers. She’s helpless. When the time is right, I’ll take her down.” I ensured as I fought the quiver in my voice as I said the words.
“Are you sure you’ve got what it takes?” The sneer in his voice was as clear as day.
How had I ever fallen for his lies?
“I’m positive. Plus, I’ll have Ethan and Louise with me to help destroy her whole little family and any of the filthy pests from the fae court too if they get in the way.”
“You really think you’ll get Louise and Ethan away from her influence?”
“I was thinking you should get more of the water that you used to rescue me.” I was hoping the request would buy us some time. “From what I can gather, it might not work on Ethan, but it’ll bring Louise around to our way of thinking.” I was tipping my hat to a degree, telling him what I knew, but hopefully it would also garner his trust so when the time came, we could ambush him. “If we have her on our side, there’ll be nothing anyone can do to defeat us.”
“It sounds like you have this all planned out.”
“I’ve had lots of time to think, stuck in this . . . hellhole.” The word stuck in my craw.
He laughed. “I bet. I can’t imagine what it must be like being around so many of those vermin.”
I swallowed down the stream of abuse at the V word. “Like living in a rats nest,” I lied.
“When’s it going down?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll call you before it does.”
“See that you do.”
I disconnected the call and threw my cell onto the bed before issuing a primal scream to vent everything that weighed on my chest.
As I stood in the middle of the room, panting through the red haze, Evie knocked on the door.
“Are you okay?” she asked as she cracked it open enough to stick her head through.
“I’m fine.” My teeth were still clenched as I said the words.
For a moment, it looked like she was going to let it drop and leave. Then she sighed and pushed all the way into the room, closing the door behind her. “Are you sure?”
I sighed and tried to relax my stance. “I really am. I’m just . . .” I turned to meet her gaze and closed my eyes to gather my thoughts. “How can I be related to that? He has so much hate in his heart. He fostered so much hate in me. What if it’s still just lurking beneath the surface, waiting to be unleashed again?”
She crossed the room. “The Clay I knew was never driven by hate. Everything he did, he did for love. His love for me or his love for his family. Yes, there was a time when he hated the fae, but even that was because he thought they’d hurt his Louise. He might have disappeared when you lost your memory, but I don’t think he’s all that different from you.”
That same look. Those same words. Not him. Not Saint Clay the Perfect. I clenched my teeth. “Different enough.”
The disappointment in her eyes grew in the moments before I dropped my gaze from hers. I would never be what she wanted.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
DESPITE THE SITUATION and the awkwardness, the days passed quickly. Somehow, Evie never remembered to get a second bed, and I didn’t go out of my way to remind her. Just like she didn’t go out of her way to mention the research she’d caught me doing online. It wasn’t my fa
ult the gaps in my memory extended to not only cover the basic domestic tasks but also to relationships and expressions of love. By the time I’d discovered the basics, I had a multitude of new experience to add to my list of things I wanted to share with Evie but knew I never could. It was something I’d been longing for without knowing the reasons for it.
In the days we waited for Ethan’s release and visit, we settled into something of a routine. Despite the magnitude of responsibility I felt for the two little lives I’d created with Evie, it was somewhat easy to manage them for the moment. It wasn’t big decisions and constant stress. Instead, it was little more than a series of repetitive tasks. It seemed all they ever did was eat, sleep, and poop.
What Evie didn’t know was that I had a routine of my own. Each night while she slept, I spent at least an hour studying her. It made it easier for me to sleep. When that failed to calm me, I would go and stand in the nursery to watch over the twins. Knowing they were safe, and that their auras shone as bright as ever, gave me some semblance of sanity. Even then, I would be called to Evie’s side again by the draw between us.
With her eyes closed, shutting off my ability to see the pain buried within, it was easy to play pretend. It was easy to imagine we were still husband and wife—that she loved me as deeply as I’d fallen in love with her. That the interplay between her aura and mine, and the way her body called me in, was natural and proof of the depth of the things we’d felt.
It was ridiculous, and I knew it. I was in love with an idea—with the fascination I had with her—and not with her. I didn’t know her, not well enough to be in love.
There was nothing more than that between us, and there couldn’t be. That didn’t stop me from trailing my fingers through her aura and watching as it entwined with mine. Or trying to ensure our hands touched whenever possible. Or knowing that if she let me in, even just a little, I would fall so deeply in love with every part of her that it would be impossible to swim to the surface again.
Living with Embers: (Son of Rain #4) Page 22
