by Hiromi Goto
Cracker’s eyes were fixed upon her dead sister. She cut at the thick leather of the belt with the scissors. She scarcely left a mark.
She changed her grip on the scissors, holding them wide open, one of the blades clamped in her hand to drag the other blade like a saw. Back and forth, she dragged it across the tough leather, a high-pitched whine escaping from her lips. Her eyes glazed, she was lost in her anguish.
“Did you hear me?” Gee shouted, grabbing her bony shoulder.
Cracker raised the scissors beside her head, the glinting tip pointing toward Gee’s face.
Something trembled in the back of Gee’s mouth. He bit down on his bottom lip to contain it. An urge, almost compulsive— He mustn’t let it happen. His tongue. His tongue quivering, taut, like an elastic wanting to snap. As if he held back a sneeze. But far, far worse. Wanting.
Cracker clutched the scissors so tightly her fist was shaking.
Plat. Plat. Plat. Her living blood, bright red, dripped from the heel of her hand onto the pale carpet.
“Your hand,” Gee whispered. “You’re bleeding.” The rich scent of it hit him; sweet, complex, overwhelming. Hunger punched him in the gut. Gee crumpled with the intensity just as Cracker plunged the scissors toward his face.
The edge of the blade nicked his scalp, leaving a small gash. But he didn’t feel it. The hunger writhed in his gullet like a beast. He panted through the contractions, on his hands and knees, like a woman giving birth. So powerful. The need.
Three droplets of Cracker’s bright red blood. In the strands of the carpet. He wanted to suck whatever he could out of the threads. The delicious scent pulled at him. Worse than a dog. The strength of the longing, so intense, a thin white bead of saliva hung from his lips.
It looked like Elmer’s glue….
Jesus! Gee dragged his mouth across his shoulder and desperately squeezed his eyes shut. Let it pass, he begged, as the pain of hunger racked his skinny body. Let this pass. Please.
Cracker gasped. “Oh!” she cried. The scissors fell from her bleeding hand and embedded in the carpet, point first, beside Gee’s face.
Wearily, Gee raised his head like a drunk.
Cracker was clutching her sister around her waist. But not to lift her up. She held her as if someone were trying to take her away.
Her sister … the solid edges of her were fading. Growing thin, transparent, flickering between material and unsubstantial. “Klara!” Cracker begged. “Don’t go! Don’t do this to me!”
Her sister, the belt, simply faded. The wardrobe was once more filled with clothing on hangers, and Cracker was left holding nothing.
Chapter Twenty-One
Cracker crumpled to the floor. She curled into a ball, wrapping her arms around the back of her neck. “Couldn’t stop her,” she whispered. “You’re so stupid. You should have known. The signs were there all along. Why didn’t you do something? Why? Why did this have to happen?” She hit the back of her head with her fists, clouting herself again and again.
Gee wearily pushed himself upright to sit on his knees. He stared at Cracker, caught in her psychological Half World.
He had scarcely enough strength to take care of himself. Groaning, Gee rose to his feet. He wrapped his arm around Cracker’s middle and tried to get her to rise. She was floppy with despair. Mindless, useless. A burden. White Cat had said it was okay to leave her….
The image of Popo’s face filled Gee’s mind. The creases beside her mouth. Her dark knowing eyes that saw everything, and did not look away. Popo would never leave Cracker behind. Just as she had taken care of him his entire life.
What do you care? She’s not here! And she’s the one who told you nothing of your shocking past. Feeding you and housing you is not the same as taking care of you! What a joke!
Gee shook his head. That awful voice inside him—he mustn’t listen. It was so very powerful. Every time it took him to the edge, to the tipping point. Because what it said was true. Popo wasn’t here to help him through this terrible thing. Popo hadn’t told him about his horrific background. But she had taught him many other things. She had taught him, through example, love, patience, discipline. She had taught him to think critically…. The monstrous voice inside him didn’t lie, but its truth was a partial truth….
You must remember that, he told himself. Partial truth can manipulate. Partial truth can distort.
He hooked his arms underneath Cracker’s and dragged her backward out of the room. She did not resist. She was like a person drowned.
As the scent of her fresh blood hit his senses Gee’s deep hunger swelled anew. He gritted his teeth and continued dragging his friend down the hallway. Only I can control my compulsion, he thought. Not Popo. Not the evil thinking inside of me. I can do it. I will do it, he promised. They had to get out of there. White Cat had said.
Gee dragged Cracker to the top of the stairs. He propped her up, sitting against the wall, her feet on the steps below.
He looked to the ground floor through the rails of the banister. He couldn’t see anyone, but they could be hiding, waiting to pounce. Ilanna, or Karu.
Gee shuddered. Ilanna…. A shiver skittered down his spine.
You know you want her…. the voice crooned. As much as she wants you. Just be honest. All else will follow.
It was true. A part of him was drawn to Ilanna. He had to stay away from her. Not because he was frightened for his life. It was the way she made him feel….
Cracker’s palm still seeped with blood. Gee licked his lips. The brilliant colour, the rich, complex odour—he could practically hear the cells tinkling their soft music. His tongue grew sticky with want. He breathed through his mouth so that the overwhelming scent was less intense. He ripped out the bottom of his T-shirt, a narrow strip, and used it to bind Cracker’s wound.
She stared past him. “I was too late,” she whispered. “I’m always too late….” Her voice crackled. Parched.
Gee stared at his hand. Smears of Cracker’s blood. He wanted to lick it so badly that his fingers trembled. He closed his eyes and rubbed his palm against the rough surface of his jeans. “Let’s go, Cracker,” Gee said gently. “Now.”
Cracker was silent. Motionless.
A jangle of metal against metal. Not Cracker’s boots. From outside the front entrance. Someone was unlocking the door. Cracker raised her head.
The deadbolt turned and the door swung open. Klara entered.
Cracker gasped.
“Oh no,” Gee muttered.
“Klara!” Cracker cried, her voice filled with hope, with joy.
Klara didn’t hear her. There was a grey cast to her white skin, her eyes blank. She looked about a year or two older than Cracker. Her pale hair was soft and curly.
She would have been very pretty, Gee thought.
Cracker bolted down the stairs, almost tumbling in her haste. She threw her arms around her sister and kissed her cheek. “Klara! Oh, Klara. I’ve come to help you! You don’t have to do this. It’s okay now.”
Her sister was motionless in Cracker’s arms. Her eyes stared blankly toward the kitchen. Cracker, clasping Klara’s shoulders, gazed lovingly at her face. Her joy and relief slowly faded, to be replaced with a growing fear. “Klara,” she gulped. “Do you see me? Can you hear me?” She gave her sister a little shake.
Klara’s head wobbled, but her eyes remained the same. Vacant. Senseless.
Gee’s heart clenched with pain. “She can’t hear you, Cracker!” he exclaimed. “She’s dead. She already died. She’s just caught in her Half World loop. Can’t you see?”
“No!” Cracker vehemently denied. “She’s right here! I can feel her. I can hold her. She’s not dead! I just have to wake her up.”
The hairs on the back of Gee’s neck tingled. Wake her up…. The ones who “woke up” in Half World … they turned into monsters.
Like you! Like youuuuuu!
Gee shook his head. No! No. He might have been a monster in the past. But he wouldn’t t
urn into one this time. He would not.
Cracker shook her sister again, harder. Klara’s head wobbled. Her eyes remained flat. Unseeing. Cracker slapped her. Her sister’s face was whipped to the side. Her eyes unchanging, she faced the kitchen once more.
“Oh, god.” Cracker’s face began to crumble. Her shoulders slumped and her grip on her sister began to loosen.
Klara walked to the kitchen. They heard the clatter of a drawer being opened.
Cracker, unable to stop herself, stumbled after her. Cursing, Gee followed.
“Ssssssssss.” The sound was weak. Like the last bit of air leaking from a tire. Lilla was almost a pool of black ink atop the stool where he had left her. “Eaaatssss,” she begged.
Gee bit his lip. Was this the fate that awaited him if he continued to resist his hunger?
“No!” Cracker shouted.
Klara clutched a paring knife. She began digging the dull tip into the thin skin of her inner wrist. Cracker clamped her arms around her sister once again, pinning her arms to her side. Klara did not struggle. Her eyes stared.
“Stop it!” Cracker cried. “You don’t have to do this!”
“Can’t you understand?” Gee said, tiredly. “Her suicide can’t be undone. You can’t undo it, Cracker. And even if we did manage to wake her from her cycle, you realize that she’ll turn into a cannibal like those little girls at the hotel? The ones who were going to eat you! Do you want her to turn into a monster? Would you rather her be ‘awake’ at any cost?”
Something rustled in the dark stairwell to the basement.
Gee spun around.
“I finally see,” Karu rasped, as he stepped into the light. “I remember….”
Gee moved to stand between Karu and Cracker, his arms open in a futile attempt to shield her from the approaching bird man. His heart thudded much too slowly. Still trapped in the trauma of her sister’s cycle, Cracker seemed no longer to care about her own safety. She continued desperately trying to remove the knife from her sister’s clutch. Klara simply held on to the handle as if she were a film on pause. Cracker sobbed quietly with desperation.
“Leave us alone!” Gee shouted at Karu. “If I’ve wronged you in my past life, I’m truly sorry. But I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t want to fight you.” He gulped, hard. Where was Ilanna? If only Cracker would snap out of it!
The bird man moved toward them.
“Shhrrrrr,” Lilla hissed a weak warning from the stool.
Surprised, Karu glanced toward the unexpected sound.
Gee launched across the kitchen, smacking his palm against Karu’s bird face. He would smother him. Just as he had the bully in the car park. The flesh of Gee’s hand began to spread.
He hadn’t considered the shape of the bird man’s face. His beak protruded too far for Gee’s skin to create a seal— Karu twisted his mobile neck and snapped, snapped his curved, razor-sharp beak, catching the thinning flesh from the heel of Gee’s hand. White chunks, like soft bocconcini, dropped to the kitchen floor.
“Uh!” Gee cried out. He backed away, clasping the wrist of his maimed hand. It wasn’t the pain. He felt no pain. Chunks were missing from his hand. His wound was bloodless, painless and white through and through. As if he were made of plaster of Paris.
A noise erupted from Gee’s mouth. He slapped his unwounded hand over his lips. He didn’t know if he was trying to hold back laughter or sobs. But if he started, he didn’t know if he’d be able to stop.
“Did you not hear me? I said I understand,” Karu rasped.
Gee shook his head. Had the bird man gone mad? He stared at Karu’s muscled arms, his broad chest. He couldn’t overpower him. And if he had gone mad, there was no reasoning with him. Gee shuffled closer to Cracker. The back door. They had to run for it.
She was gasping for air in a wordless struggle for the knife in her sister’s hand. Dehydrated, despairing, Cracker’s exhaustion overcame her will. Her hands fell from her sister’s arms.
As if returning to autopilot, Klara took another futile stab at her wrist. The skin was marked, but not broken, the knife too dull. She paused. Tilted her head to one side. Klara returned the knife to the drawer and neatly slid it shut. She walked past the people in the kitchen as if they were no more than shadows. They could hear her soft footsteps climbing the stairs to the second floor. The soft thud of her bedroom door.
“Oh, god.” Cracker’s voice was small. Young. Her hands clasped the back of her neck. “She’s going to do it again….”
“You are not meant to see this,” Karu’s rough voice throbbed. “The living aren’t meant to witness the cycles of Half Life. No good can come out of it. You must return to your Realm.”
Gee stared at the bird man. What kind of trick did he think he was pulling? “Where is she?” he demanded. “Where is she hiding?”
“What?” Karu croaked.
“Don’t think you can trick us! Where’s Ilanna? What do you want with us!”
Karu slowly raised his hands, palms outward. “She’s not here. I’ve broken from her. I—I’ve changed. I haven’t encountered her since leaving the hotel. I will aid you as I’m able.”
“Liar!” Gee cried. “You’re just saying that so we’ll lower our guard. And then you’ll eat us! Like all the other monsters in Half World. I’ve seen only two kinds of beings here: they’re either caught in a loop of their own suffering, or they’re murderous cannibals! How can you prove to me that you’re different?”
“I’ve stopped eating,” Karu said simply.
Gee scowled. “And you think I’ll just believe you?”
“Look more closely.” Karu’s voice was hoarse. He took a very slow step toward Gee, so as not to startle him.
Gee’s eyes narrowed.
Karu’s hands were shaking. And his body. His flesh. Somehow it seemed less substantial … as if he were beginning to fade. Like Lilla.
Cracker, with her arms clasped around the back of her head, didn’t look at the bird man. She was rocking a little, trying to soothe herself.
“I’m being pulled back,” Karu said. “To the beginning of my cycle.”
“Why?” Gee asked suspiciously. “Why have you stopped eating now?”
Karu dragged his palms over his bird face. “Millennia of this interminable Half Life. The interminable hunger…. To what end? After Melanie broke the bonds that divided the Three Realms, Half Lives have transitioned to the Realm of Spirit. Yet we, who continued to consume, have not. Does a monster know when to stop being a monster? Do you think a monster can change?”
Gee, deeply troubled by the questions, could not reply.
“Truth be told,” Karu’s voice was low, “I believed in the same things that Ilanna believes. I raged that we were trapped in Half World, and that if we were trapped, then all should suffer with us. Yet the taking of others’ Half Lives began to pall. When we came for you in the Realm of Flesh, when I saw you with Cracker, something shifted. I followed you here from the hotel because of your friend.”
“Because of her Life!” Gee accused, backing closer to Cracker so that Karu’s way was blocked. “You would take her Life!”
“So I thought. But it wasn’t her Life that drew me.”
“What, then!” Gee hissed.
“It was her love for her dead sister.”
“Klara,” Cracker whispered, crossing her arms protectively over her chest as if she cradled her sister. “Why does my love for Klara have anything to do with you?”
The feathers atop Karu’s head ruffled with agitation. “Hearing you speak of your sister, watching you seek her in Half World, led me to memories I had long buried. Memories of a brother who came from the Realm of Flesh to save me after death.”
“What happened?” Gee couldn’t help asking.
“My brother found me, and he forced me to eat.”
“Oh, god,” Cracker whispered.
“His intentions were not ill,” Karu said grimly. “He sought to release me from my pattern so
that he could take me home. But when I awoke to the awful hunger, I turned and consumed my brother.”
A small cry escaped Cracker’s lips.
“After a time, in my madness and pain, I was discovered by Mr. Glueskin.” Karu looked at Gee with unreadable eyes. “And Ilanna.”
Gee couldn’t stop himself. “What happened to your brother after he died?”
Karu closed his eyes. The feathers atop his head ruffled with agitation. “I don’t know,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Only that he was gone.” He turned his gaze toward Cracker. “I don’t know where my brother’s Half World is; it may be that he’s already passed to Spirit. But all that I knew, until seeing you, was that I must not return to my cycle, or a tremendous evil would happen.” There was no warmth in his avian eyes, but neither were they cruel. “I was wrong. No matter how awful the cycle, we can’t flee from it. It must be faced, and faced again.”
“No.” Cracker’s voice was small. “It’s not fair. It’s not right.”
Gee was very still. What the bird man had said resounded like a bell inside his chest.
“There’s nothing you can do for your sister now.” Karu’s voice vibrated with his conviction. “Your love and loyalty are admirable, but you must accept her death and return to the Realm of Flesh lest your actions lead to even greater suffering.”
A hollow wooden thump-thump-thump-thump-thump echoed from the second floor. A staccato of desperation, vibrating through the floorboards. Oh god, Gee thought, staring at Cracker’s face. It was her sister—her final struggle in the wardrobe.
Cracker’s amber eyes widened. With realization.
Her face collapsed. Her eyes dimmed. Her indomitable will finally swamped by her exhaustion, she crumpled to the floor.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Gee caught her just before her head hit the ground. Cracker was groggy. She wasn’t unconscious, but her pupils seemed overlarge. She kept on blinking, slowly, as if she were trying to focus. Gee tried to raise her to her feet, but her limbs were slack and he couldn’t do it. Too weak, he thought. Too hungry. Despair washed over him, as unstoppable as the rising tide. And the faint sweet strum of Life, seeping from her sweaty scalp, rising from her skin….
