by Hiromi Goto
Karu’s flame was a blossom of hope. Gee couldn’t look away. He found himself half-raised up, and his desire was so great that two small baby arms had formed without his knowing. He reached out with both hands instinctively, his chest aching for something he could not say.
“Oh-hoh.” White Cat’s voice was quiet, almost gentle. “Do you recognize, young Gee, what you truly long for?”
Before he could reply, Gee was snatched up underneath his arms and clutched against Cracker’s chest. His T-shirt dangled loosely like a swaddling cloth.
Gee was swamped by embarrassment—I’m sixteen years old! he thought indignantly. A man!
“Jesus, Gee,” Cracker muttered. “What the hell!”
His relief was so great he wept. Tears, salty, sharp upon his tongue. He couldn’t help peering over Cracker’s shoulder to gaze at Karu’s brilliant Spirit…. Ilanna’s white sinuous body lay in a large S-shape on the marble floor.
Ting. The elevator had arrived.
Cracker carried Gee inside the open car. He twisted in her arms so that he could see the lobby before the doors closed.
Karu’s Spirit seeped through the glass window and the enthralled creatures all churned through the rotating doors, fighting, yanking each other back, until they became jammed. The Half Worlders who’d made it outside were as gleeful as children as they ran and leapt after the bobbing orange light.
The creatures stuck inside the rotating door wept.
Movement. Ilanna’s body quivered. No, not quivering—she was beginning to fade away. Patches fluctuating between opaque and transparent, she was breaking apart into nothing. Pulled back to the beginning of her cycle. The cycle she had denied for so very long.
Did Ilanna deserve to return to her horrible suffering? Did anyone? Gee looked away.
Thankfully, the doors of the elevator slid shut.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Could you press four, please?” White Cat asked in a perky voice, as if he’d just checked into the hotel and was starting his holiday.
“Shut up, cat,” Cracker muttered. She sighed.
Gee heard a finger jab, once, against the button. His heart sank. A keycard. They didn’t—
The elevator began to rise.
“We didn’t swipe,” Gee whispered. “Why is the car moving?”
“No one needs a keycard to reach the fourth floor,” White Cat said enigmatically.
“Gee!” Cracker gasped. “Your back! It’s bleeding!”
He’d forgotten about it. The pain wasn’t as bad. “I think it’s stopped,” he said. “It doesn’t hurt that much.”
Gee peered over Cracker’s shoulder. “Am I too heavy?” he asked. What was the point of acting embarrassed at this point?
“I’ll manage,” she said. She began to convulse.
“Are you okay?” Gee cried.
She shook once more. She convulsed again. “Hahahahahahaaaa!” she bellowed. “Hohohohohohoooo!” Tears streamed down her face as she laughed and laughed, unable to stop.
“Thank you.” Gee’s voice was clipped. “For your sensitivity. And for not making me feel self-conscious.”
She laughed even harder. “I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I’m sorry! I really am!” She broke into peals of laughter again. “No, really,” she managed, between guffaws, “I think it’s kind of hysteria. Because everything is so fucked up.”
“I’m touched,” Gee said. “You’re so thoughtful.”
“I’m sorry,” Cracker gasped. “Sorry.” She wiped her nose on his swaddled T-shirt. “Your white hair is awesome. I think I’ll do that when I get home.”
“Are you two finished?” White Cat asked icily. “The fourth floor requires all your wits!” He stared, sourly, at Cracker’s boots. “Those weigh you down. You should take them off.”
“What?” she asked. “That’s like asking a witch to give up her spells! Like asking a warrior to give up her sword!”
Gee almost smiled.
“Never mind.” White Cat rolled his eyes. “I guess you made it across with them on.”
“Jesus,” Cracker muttered indignantly. “The nerve! Give up my boots!”
The elevator sagged, briefly, and their stomachs dropped.
“Let this be the final time,” Gee whispered.
The doors slid open.
The darkness was so thick, so complete, that it spilled into the elevator. It was as if the car was suspended in nothing, in nowhere, and they the last of the living. The silence was so heavy it pressed upon their chests like night haunts stealing their breath. The lighting inside the elevator flickered, began to buzz. It flared brighter, then, with a pop, quickly faded.
Gee could see only the blue after-image of light before that too disappeared.
The darkness was utterly complete. As if light had never existed.
“Spirits grant us safe passage,” White Cat intoned, with none of his usual attitude. “Everyone—hold on to each other so that we don’t become lost. Darkness tries to lead astray. You may hold on to my tail,” he said through gritted teeth.
Gee felt Cracker shifting him to her opposite shoulder. She leant forward to blindly reach for White Cat’s fluffy tail.
“Okay,” she said in a small voice.
They stepped out of the elevator and into darkness.
One, two, three, four … darkness began to roar. Like a flash flood careening down a bouldered riverbed. The thunderous noise drowning heartbeat, breath, cries.
We are so tiny, Gee thought, we are motes in a vast universe.
I want to live.
As if the waters had parted, the noise veered away, and with the movement came the light.
“Ah!” The cry burst out of him. Emptiness yawning all around them, and only Cracker’s steady pace across the ever-collapsing bridge of crows. The birds flew hard, their vast number bridging the abyss that separated the Realm of Flesh from Half World.
“Shitshitshitshit,” Cracker chanted, clutching White Cat’s tail.
“Don’t you dare close your eyes this time!” Gee shouted.
The air whistled and flapped, hoarse caws filling the air. The crows’ wings glinting like black water in the grey light.
There! The mountain ledge, the Gate to the other side…. Cracker ran steadily upon the ever-shifting backs of crows, across the open air, with a sureness that Gee couldn’t fathom. Did faith keep them aloft? he wondered as they drew closer to the rocky ledge.
The texture of her steps shifted. A lurch. A ledge.
Cracker’s strength finally gave as she reached solid footing. She collapsed forward, but used her forearms to absorb her fall so that she wouldn’t crush Gee. The surface, littered with dry finger bones, crackled and crunched beneath her. Cracker rolled away to lie upon her back.
They both stared upward at the sky, breathing hard, unbearably grateful.
The sky was blue. Beautiful. They’d never seen such an intense and luscious blue, and it filled their hearts with joy.
White Cat batted away parched white bones before sitting calmly, gazing at his companions’ exhaustion and relief with a look of distaste. His fluffy tail slowly rose up and down.
The hoarse cries of the jubilant crows fading away…. Their gasps for air began to ease. A cold thin wind keened. Gee shivered.
Almost there….
A sudden sense of urgency pressed hard on his chest. Gee sat up abruptly. Startled to find himself so very small. He’d grow again, once he started eating real food in the Realm of Flesh, he reassured himself. He would grow fleshly again. Because he had, once before, when Melanie had brought him out of Half World as a baby. He’d grown into a tall teenager, fed so well on Popo’s delicious cooking….
Gee stared at his baby hands, soft and weak. A surge of tears filled his eyes once more, and he angrily swiped the emotions away with the back of his hand. Why was he crying now? He’d become so emotional. A crybaby, he thought, a sad, wry grin twisting his small lips.
The cliff face began to shake
, a low rumbling of granite. Small rocks rained upon them, and Cracker rolled over, groaning with pain, her weary muscles. She rose to her feet even as the ledge lurched beneath them.
With a terrible groan, the giant Gatekeeper tore herself out of the cliff face and stepped onto the ledge. Her timeless granite face that had weathered more years than they could imagine stared across the great divide with an implacable gaze.
Gee, able only to sit, had to tip his head back in order to see her face.
“The toll,” the Gatekeeper groaned, her voice creaking with the terrible weight. “You must pay the toll in order to pass.”
“Fucking toll.” Cracker shook her head. “Still asking for it. After everything. I can do it this time. I’m pretty sure.”
“The tolllll,” the Gatekeeper groaned.
“Don’t,” Gee told Cracker. “Let me. It doesn’t hurt me.”
The rock face began grinding.
A small opening that continued to widen….
Gee stared at the stone giant’s face. Had she opened the portal for free? Was that even possible?
The Gatekeeper’s thick neck creaked as she turned her head toward the Gate. The portal was opening. And they hadn’t paid the toll. The crescent continued to grow.
There was someone on the other side. A waft of lemon grass, the musky sweetness of ripe fruit.
“Popo?” Gee whispered. “Popo!”
The opening widened further to reveal a second person. Compact. Skin browned by the sun. Long hair tied back in a low ponytail.
“Older Sister?” Gee mouthed, his eyes round with wonder.
“Grandson!” Popo cried. Tears streamed down her wrinkled face and she held out her arms toward him. Her warm brown eyes shone. “Oh, what has happened to Grandson? We’ve come for you! Come through. Quickly!”
Gee’s heart stilled. They were so full of life. They were brilliant in their mortality. He touched his face with his soft baby hand.
Even as the portal waxed gibbous, something unfurled inside Gee, and he could not make it stop. Like a flower opening to the light. He knew. He finally understood.
“I can’t go back.”
“What! What are you talking about?” Cracker practically screamed. “It’s okay now! We did what we had to do! We can go home!”
Popo’s eyes had widened. She began shaking her head.
“You know,” Gee said. “Popo, you know. The cycles. The cycles need to flow as they flow. We can’t try to alter the path before its time. Or we put everything at risk again. I wasn’t born into Half World. Older Sister carried me out…. And the Realms were reunited. I got to live with you for a while….” His smile wobbled. “But I’m not meant to stay in the Realm of Flesh.”
“Bullshit!” Cracker shouted. She reached down to pick him up.
Gee scuttled backward, close to the cliff ledge.
“Go through!” he shouted at Cracker. “You’re meant to go back. Not me. Hurry!”
Cracker’s eyes darted back and forth between the open Gate and Gee. Her instinct to save herself warring with loyalty.
Gee glared at Melanie. “Take her out!”
Melanie, eyes fierce, pinched her lips with determination. She leapt through the portal and threw Cracker over her shoulder.
“Stop,” Cracker cried. She began sobbing with rage, with sorrow. “Take Gee, too! It’s not fair! Let me go!” She tried to struggle but she was no match for Melanie’s strength.
Melanie carried her to the other side.
Popo had closed her eyes. She continued shaking her head. Resolute, she stepped across the Gate to be with Gee on the bone-strewn ledge. She picked him up and held him close, as if she would never let him go.
“If Grandson must stay here, Popo will stay with Grandson.” There was no fear in her voice. Only enduring love.
“Oh, Popo,” Gee quavered.
“Hurry!” Cracker sobbed. “Gee!”
The portal was beginning to close. Gee could feel his grandmother’s mortal heart pounding against his chest.
Gee bent his neck and bit his grandmother’s shoulder, hard.
“Oh!” Popo cried, instinctively releasing her hold.
Gee fell and his heart plugged his throat. Only to be caught inside the arms of his older sister.
Melanie hugged Gee close for a brief moment. “You’re very brave,” she whispered into his white hair. “I was wrong about you. I’m sorry.”
She set him down on the ledge.
Gee stared, eyes dry, as his sister tried to drag his beloved Popo through the shrinking portal.
The old woman fought back, shaking her wrist free from Melanie’s hold, turning for her grandson.
“Hurry!” Cracker screamed.
Melanie slung her grandmother over her shoulder and leapt through.
Gee caught a glimpse of his popo’s face as she reared up, her hand outstretched.
“What?” Cracker’s muffled voice sounded incredulous. “No!” she shouted from behind the women.
Tears streamed down Popo’s wrinkled cheeks.
“Grandson!” she cried.
“Thank you,” Gee whispered.
The cliff face was solid once more. The wind whined, cold, and Gee’s white hair ruffled against his dry face. The stone giant was silent.
Gee stared at the dry little finger bones that surrounded him. He was sitting on several of them and it was terribly uncomfortable.
His back was beginning to ache once again.
But the sky.
How brilliantly blue, the sky.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“That was all rather unnecessarily NHK morning TV melodrama,” a dry voice remarked.
Gee slowly turned his head.
At the great stone feet of the giantess sat White Cat, his fluffy tail curved elegantly around his paws.
Pain torqued inside Gee’s chest. He wasn’t alone…. Tears filled his eyes. Unconsciously, he raised his baby arms toward the cat.
White Cat stared incredulously. “You cannot be serious,” he enunciated.
Gee lowered his arms, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He heaved a great sigh, and it broke apart into shudders. “You stayed with me….”
“I can’t stay here, of course. Nor do I want to,” White Cat said loftily.
“How will you return? Now you’ll have to pay the toll.” Gee didn’t ask the cat when he would leave.
“You must pay the toll in order to pass,” the stone giant intoned.
“For the love of—” White Cat glared upward. “We are so utterly done with the payment of tolls. Surely you can see that. Such a base demand.” The cat closed his eyes with disgust. He sneezed emphatically.
The Gatekeeper shifted, creaking ominously with the weight.
Gee wondered when the final parting would come. It might have been better if the cat had just left with everyone else. To go through that pain again…. “How will you get back now?” he whispered.
“Cats have ways.” White Cat blinked. “More ways than humans have.”
Gee stared at the rounded stubs of his baby knees. Had Popo, Melanie and Cracker made it safely out of the Cassiar Connector? Were they on their way home?
“I don’t think she heard me thank her!” Gee burst out.
“She knows.” White Cat’s voice was gentle. “Fear not.”
Fear not…. A choking sound escaped from Gee’s lips, but he swallowed hard. If he started laughing he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to stop.
The keening mountain wind turned into a low howl, and Gee’s lanky white hair whipped his small face. He didn’t doubt his choice, but he was so frightened he could scarcely bear it. His teeth began to chatter.
“You surprised me.” White Cat’s voice held grudging respect. “How did you come to understand that you had to remain in Half World?”
Gee dragged the sleeve of his overlarge T-shirt under his nose and wrapped his arms tightly around his middle. “It all clicked into place. Like the final pie
ces of a puzzle.” He shrugged. “Everything works in cycles. Or it’s supposed to. People like Ilanna and Karu.” Gee gulped. “People like Mr. Glueskin— They did everything they could to keep themselves out of their awful cycle. But Karu turned to Spirit, because he stopped eating people, because he finally accepted his cycle. It set him free from suffering. Free to pass to the Realm of Spirit.
“Ilanna couldn’t accept her cycle, and she just faded, to start her suffering all over again. And me….” Gee looked across the abyss.
Halfway between them and the mountainside of Half World, the sky leached from blue to grey.
“If I went back with Popo I’d be just like Ilanna, denying my suffering, but in trying to escape it, being trapped by it. Melanie carried me out of Half World, and I got to live, for a time, with Popo.” Gee dragged the back of his hands over his eyes. “But that wasn’t really a part of the cycle I’m supposed to be in. Avoiding my cycle means being trapped in Half Life. It means never attaining Spirit.”
A second realization bloomed inside of him. “My birth mother, too…. If I’m part of her Half World cycle, and I’m missing, she won’t ever be able to attain Spirit either.”
Gee could feel White Cat staring.
“Why should you care what befalls her?” White Cat asked.
“I don’t know if I really do care,” Gee had to admit. “But my birth mother suffers. And that— The man who is my father … he suffers doing evil.” Gee’s eyes were fierce. “I did evil too, as Mr. Glueskin! Popo knew that! But she still gave me a chance! She still loved me!”
“Calm down.” White Cat’s voice was dry.
Gee took a long shuddering breath. “I’d do almost anything to go back home, to live with Popo…. But it wouldn’t work. I’d be disrupting the cycles. And even if Ilanna didn’t come for me again, Half World would send someone or something to take me back. I won’t do anything more to have Popo risk herself again.”
The cat settled down onto his haunches and half-closed his eyes.
Gee’s eyes widened. “You knew!” he exclaimed.
The expression on White Cat’s face remain unchanged, but the tip of his tail twitched.
“All along. From the very beginning. You knew I had to return to Half World….” Gee’s chin slumped to his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me? Us? We wouldn’t have had to suffer like this. You should have said.”
