What? Was he kidding me? Did he honestly think that there was one chance in hell that I wouldn't be pissed off enough to lose control?
"So I didn't do anything wrong, but you called Papa last night to change my plans? And you're just telling me now?" I began to tremble. I was a rumbling volcano ready to spew my anger over everyone in the room.
"I'm sorry." Hal smiled and hunched his shoulders apologetically. "I should have told you, but it just slipped my mind to mention it to you."
"You fucking liar!" I fumed. "You decided to show Miss Martin and Jenny how a tough guy gets me to cooperate. All you had to do was make it mandatory. Right, Hal? But then your weenie ass was scared to tell me until Miss Martin was here."
Hal lost his smile. "Don't you dare speak to me that way, young man. And were you listening to a private conversation?"
Acting indignant was easier for Hal than admitting I was right. I ignored his question.
"You told me the mentoring program had to come before anything else. You said Papa sets my schedule, and he's in charge of me. Now after only two weeks, you're already screwing up my plans with Papa to suit your convenience."
"River, you have to calm down. You're being very disrespectful," warned Hal.
Miss Martin tried to intervene. "River, why don't you sit down with us, and let's talk this out."
I ignored her and stepped closer to Hal, invading his personal space, making him uncomfortable. We were the same height, but where I had muscle, he had bones. He pushed his glasses up his nose, and I stared into his eyes, which were blinking like caution lights. His lips twitched and his skin oozed tiny bubbles of sweat. I knew he was scared, but I didn't realize exactly what I was doing to him. Later, Papa told me in strict confidence exactly how traumatic my behavior was for Hal and why I could never act that way again.
Hal was afraid, just as he had been afraid of the bullies who had tormented him every year that he spent in school. When he graduated to safety, he found adulthood an easier time to gain respect. His job at Tolley House was therapeutic in that he had authority over the kinds of boys who had harassed him when he was a kid. He had good reason to assume that the boys would never blatantly disrespect him or disobey him because of his power over their futures. He could make a phone call to the Probation and Parole Department that would almost assure that a boy on probation would draw his first sentence to Stockwell, or that a boy paroled early for good behavior would return to serve out the rest of his time.
Everyone in the room knew that Hal had made a mistake by not discussing the issue with me the previous night. He had failed to anticipate how angry I would be, and he hadn't foreseen having to handle an enraged boy, lacking the maturity to weigh the consequences of his actions. I temporarily didn't care about his authority.
They also knew that an apology from Hal would help calm me, but he would not admit he was wrong in front of Jenny and Miss Martin. Instead, he kept playing the authoritative figure in his fantasy world where everyone took him seriously.
"River, back away from me. I'm not going to tolerate your disrespect." Hal was so nervous that I was surprised he got the words out of his mouth, and when he did, his command was more of a pleading whine.
No one could miss my contempt when I spoke even louder in Hal's face. "That's kinda weird, Hal, because I think you changing our agreement and my plans without even discussing it with me is even more disrespectful. How can I respect you when you weren't man enough to do the right thing and tell me all this last night?"
Hal's sweaty face turned deep red. He was not only afraid of me, he was angry and embarrassed by me calling him out in front of the others.
I could see that Jenny, Miss Martin, and Ant were in various degrees of shock over the ferocity behind my argument. I frightened all three of them, and when I was that angry, I even scared myself. They could all see that I was ready to go toe to toe with Hal, and as much as the man wished that he could physically restrain me, he knew he couldn't. The last thing Hal wanted was for a thirteen-year-old boy to embarrass him in front of his wife.
Again, Hal tried to gain control over the situation. "River, please go to your room. We all need some time to cool off and a chance to think. Later, we'll all be able to speak more rationally to each other."
I managed a smile that probably came across as a maniacal sneer. "I'm very rational, Hal. Let's take a vote." I nodded at Ant, Miss Martin, and Jenny. "Does anyone think Hal handled things right? He says I need to improve my social skills, so did he give me a good example to follow? If he wanted me to be sweet to my new roomie, was this the right way to encourage me? It looks to me like Hal didn't think his idea through very well. Personally, I think he screwed the pooch all the way around, and there's nothing he can pull from one of his stupid books that's gonna make what he did look any smarter."
As angry as Hal was at my ridicule, he couldn't think of anything that would help him save face in front of the others. I could tell that Miss Martin disagreed with what Hal did, but I also knew she was appalled at my behavior. Worse than that, I thought that she was ashamed of me and that bothered me enough to dial my anger down a notch.
Jenny looked miserable, and I found out later that she told Hal the previous night that he should ask for my help right then instead of springing it on me at the last minute. When I looked at Ant, I saw a nervous kid, sweating enough to darken the sides of his shirt. I still thought Hal was to blame for the argument, but I didn't like the idea of upsetting the others.
I addressed Miss Martin, Jenny, and Ant. "I'm sorry for getting so mad. I need to get away from here, so I'm going to the park now." I marched towards the front door, and Hal found the nerve to go after me.
"River, wait!" Hal caught up to me and grabbed my arm from behind. "If you walk out that door, you're in violation of your parole terms, and you know what that means."
Hal just couldn't leave it alone. He had to take one more stab at looking like the man in charge, so he threatened me with Stockwell. I turned to face him and looked from his eyes to his hand, which he promptly took off my arm. He was the only one who could hear my words when I leaned in close to his ear and whispered.
"Okay, Hal, send me to Stockwell to serve the rest of my time. That will give me four years of nothing to do but hate you and lift weights. Four years to think of exactly how I'll say thanks when I get out." I studied his eyes long enough to see them water and blink. "Oh, and Hal, if you ever grab me again, I'll break your fucking arm."
I walked out of the house and slammed the door behind me. I was halfway to the park before the reality of my scene at Tolley House struck me.
Hal handled things badly, but he didn't start the fire. He only threw fuel on a flame that had been burning long before I met him. I was always on guard and ready to strike back against anything that I considered unfair. If I thought that someone disrespected me, I often reacted with my fists. If someone tried to hurt me physically, I did not simply respond with appropriate self-defense, I overreacted. When I thought of my altercations with people like Nathan Beck, John Gunter, Kevin Schultz, Julio Morales, Corey Boyce, and even Craig Krieger, none of them was solely responsible for the intensity of my payback.
As I ran away from Tolley House, I knew that I might be making things worse for me, but in my state of mind, I thought my best move was to leave the house. I wasn't sure if Hal would send me back to Stockwell for disobeying him, but I was confident that he would have me locked away if I assaulted him.
***
When I reached the park, I hit the trail and then the track. As usual, running calmed me and helped clear my head. After a few laps, I began to worry about what Hal would do. I knew that I shouldn't have disobeyed, yelled, or used profanity, and I especially shouldn't have threatened him. Why did Hal have to be so stupid? Why couldn't he have discussed it with me last night? He was smart enough to know how I would react. Was that it? Did Hal try to anger me? Did he want me back in Stockwell?
I wondered what Miss Martin and
Jenny thought. Would they support Hal if he wanted to call my parole officer? Should I run before my PO sends the cops to pick me up? The more I thought about it, the more I believed that Hal didn't have the nerve to call, and I thought that there was a good chance that once I was gone, Jenny and Miss Martin spoke to him and pointed out his mistake that led to our fight. The women were probably discussing a way to make things right between Hal and me because they were peacemakers. That was their thing.
I pictured Ant, his eyes as big as manhole covers, as he listened to the confrontation. I wondered how he felt about being my roommate since he looked scared enough to piss his pants. I hated sharing my room, and provided I still had a home there, I thought that at least Ant would be too afraid to bother me.
By the time I began my last two laps at a cool down pace, I noticed that Papa was watching from the bleachers. I figured that my house parents or Miss Martin had called him about my unapproved trip to the park and asked him to find me. I jogged over to Papa and discovered that I was correct.
Papa and I calmly discussed my earlier scene with Hal Mackey. He asked me to tell him what happened, including everything that I said to Hal. When I was done, Papa agreed that Hal should have asked for my cooperation the previous night. Even so, he said that Hal's mistake didn't warrant my display of disrespectful behavior and disobedience. He said that I should have obeyed Hal and set up a time to discuss my concerns with him in private.
Papa never raised his voice, but he was obviously upset and disappointed in me. In confidence, he told me about Hal's background as a victim of bullying during his school years. He wanted me to understand how I could hurt someone more than I intended when I lost control. He told me that I should be very grateful that Hal was going to give me another chance rather than calling my parole officer, but he stressed that I might not be so lucky next time. Papa's clear message was that I had to control my temper, and he ordered me to think about our discussion while I ran some more laps.
"You're gonna to punish me now?" I asked.
"Yes, River. I don't believe in putting it off." Papa pointed at the track. "Get to running and don't stop until I tell you. While you're running, think about what you did and what other punishment you deserve. I'll think about the same, and we can see what Hal thinks about it after you have apologized to everyone."
"Yes, sir."
My emotions were all over the place as I ran the track. At first, I didn't think that I deserved any more punishment than running laps because Hal started the whole thing. Right after that thought, I realized that I was rationalizing my poor behavior. As Papa said, I was lucky that I was not on my way back to Stockwell, and I knew that I had to accept whatever punishment the adults decided to give me. I just hoped that they didn't confine me to the house.
I don't know how many miles I ran that day, but I'm sure that it set a record for me. Papa never did tell me to stop, so I ran until my legs turned to rubber, and I couldn't run anymore. The morning was long gone when I stretched out on the bleacher to recover while Papa left to retrieve a light lunch for us.
When I calmed down enough that my stomach could handle food, Papa and I ate sandwiches in the park. We acted as if it were a normal day and talked for a long time on a variety of subjects. He would discuss anything I wanted, and I enjoyed our talks because I always came away feeling that I had learned something new and valuable.
Papa reminded me of my Stockwell English teacher, Mr. Klein, who helped me so much with my grammar. Papa was determined to continue Mr. Klein's work, and he always corrected my grammar when we chatted. We made a game of it, and I was dumb enough to agree that starting the following day, I would do pushups for each error I made if he had already corrected me on it. If my grammar had been as bad as it was before Mr. Klein helped me, I would have pushed my way to China.
It was easy to forget about Hal and Tolley House when I was enjoying my time with Papa, but it was soon time to return to the group home where I would have to apologize, listen to another lecture, and find out what my additional punishment was.
Some of my foster brothers were playing baseball, and others were probably selling weed somewhere in the woods along the jogging trail. I was glad that we were leaving the park early enough that they would not be home in time to hear me groveling to Hal.
***
Miss Martin had to leave because of a medical emergency with her mother, so there was only Hal, Jenny, Ant, and Papa with me in the family room where I apologized for my behavior and promised to do better. I was surprised that Hal accepted responsibility for making a poor decision, which he admitted initiated the argument. He told me that we both needed to work together to reconcile our differences and to forgive each other for things we may have done or said that were out of line. I thought he was primarily directing that statement at me for threatening him.
Jenny made a point that there was too much tension between me and everyone else and that it would be much easier on all of us if I were more approachable. I disagreed but kept my opinion to myself. It wasn't my fault that my adult housefather was too spineless to approach me about helping out the new kid. What Hal did would have made anyone angry, and I couldn't change the fact that I got pissed off when people screwed with my life and disrespected me.
My problem wasn't that Hal's stupidity made me angry. My problem was that I had trouble controlling that anger, and that is what I needed to change. Instead of losing my temper, I had to think, choose my words carefully, and act more mature. I didn't want to let an incident like the one with Hal cost me another four years of my life.
I planned to do my chores, obey the rules, and control my temper but that didn't mean that I would be the house puppy, eager to please everyone for a pat on the head. I wasn't going to volunteer to do anything extra for anyone unless I got something out of it. As far as the others feeling uncomfortable around me, if they were tense, they made themselves that way. All they had to do was ignore me the way I ignored them. If they didn't want anything from me, then my approachability wouldn't matter. I wasn't going to act all warm and fuzzy so that everyone in the house would be asking me for favors and trying to make their problems my problems.
The adults continued to show off their wisdom to each other, and I appeared to soak up their words and nod my head at the appropriate times. When the discussion ended, they looked pleased after rattling off crap they believed made them look smart and in control. In their minds, it was a difficult situation, but they handled it and taught the poor misguided kid a valuable lesson. After really "connecting" with me, they were sure that our talk would improve the harmony in the house. I was waiting for them to wrap their arms around each other and sing some catchy folk song about the brotherhood of man.
I didn't understand how Hal and Jenny could talk so much, say so little that mattered, and think they had solved everything. One sentence would have been more effective. They should have said, "River, no matter what some dumb-assed adult says or does that unfairly messes with your life, keep your mouth shut, or it will be your own fault when you go back to juvie prison."
After the adults finished preaching, Papa asked me if I had anything to say to Ant. I knew that was my hint to apologize to the new boy and welcome him to Tolley House. Knowing what Papa expected, I sounded as sincere as possible when I spoke to Ant.
"I'm sorry for acting like a jerk on your first day," I said. "I can see how I made you feel bad, and I hope you'll give me a chance to make it up to you."
I glanced at Papa, who sternly nodded his head as a signal that I had to say all I had agreed to say when we discussed it on the way home. I managed to squeeze the words out of my mouth without choking or gagging. "Ant, it would be really cool if you spent tomorrow with me at the park if I'm allowed to go."
I checked Papa again to see if that was good enough. Papa mouthed, "Shake," and I held out my hand to Ant, who took it with the same wary expression he had worn since I began my apology. Ant wasn't buying any part of what I was selling, and we bo
th knew we were acting for the adults. At least my new roommate wasn't stupid.
It was time to discuss consequences. Papa told Hal about the laps I had already run and asked his opinion on further punishment. Hal said that since he was partially responsible for my outburst that he thought a month of extra chores would be appropriate. Papa asked if I agreed that Hal was fair, and I admitted that he was more than fair. I was happy that I wasn't grounded, and I could hardly believe that Hal would let me disrespect him that way and not punish me more. He probably should have paddled my butt, given me the extra chores, and grounded me for a month.
"Okay," said Papa. "River, anything else you want to say?"
At the same time that Papa and I had discussed what I would say to Ant, he told me that I should end things with a specific apology to Hal. I did my best to remember the suggestions Papa had given me.
"Hal, I want to say again how sorry I am. No matter how upset I was, there's no good excuse for how I acted, and it won't ever happen again. Thanks for giving me another chance."
Hal and I shook hands, and we agreed that we were ready to put the incident behind us. I was happy to end the discussion.
Papa accepted the Mackeys' invitation to stay for dinner and a movie. Hal and Jenny always planned for everyone in the house to be together on a new boy's first night, so he would begin to feel part of the family. I usually avoided group activities unless I had no choice, but that night with Papa watching me, I thought it was a good idea to show that I was trying to get along with everyone.
There was little point in paying attention to the movie because the boys' loud voices made it impossible to follow the plot. Jenny made bags of popcorn, which I hated smelling because she always left them in the microwave long enough to scorch the bags. Since there were so many boys wolfing down the popcorn, she had to repeat the popping process until the air was thick with the burned buttery popcorn odor that was nauseating to me.
My Name Is River Blue Page 15
