by Parker, Ali
“It wasn’t like that. I had no intention of us doing what we did.”
“Just how did he know about the secret place in the library?” she asked.
I wrinkled my nose. “I showed him.”
“But you had no intention of doing the nasty with him.”
“No!”
“Certainly, sounds to me like you were hoping for a little privacy with your man,” she said with a knowing smile.
I thought about it and realized she could be on to something. Why had I showed him the spot up high in the library? We could have gone over the notes in the other part of the library. It was relatively empty, and we wouldn’t have been disturbed.
“I gave him conflicting signals, didn’t I?”
She giggled. “Doesn’t sound like they were too conflicting. He figured it out.”
“That isn’t fair! I didn’t mean to send out the signal for sex. It’s just, he’s intriguing. There is something about him I find very interesting. I like talking to him. I like being around him. He has a very soothing quality about him. He looks into my eyes when he talks and when I am talking. I always feel like I have his total attention. Do you know how rare that is these days?”
She groaned. “Yes, unfortunately I do. These days they’re always staring at their phones or themselves.”
“Exactly! But not him! He is an excellent conversationalist. He’s charming and dignified. It’s hard to describe all the great qualities he has. There are a lot.”
“Uh-oh,” she said. “You’re heading down a dangerous road.”
“I am not,” I scowled. “He’s an interesting man. I’m not falling for him.”
“Okay.”
I stared at her. “Don’t say it like that.”
“What?” she said in a high voice.
I waggled my finger at her. “No, no. I know that ‘okay.’ I know that voice. You don’t believe me. You’re saying okay to placate me. Don’t placate me.”
“Fine, I’m not placating you.”
“I’m not falling for him.”
“Okay.”
“Dammit, Kami!”
She burst into laughter. “You are all twisted up.”
“I’m flustered.”
“Look, it isn’t a big deal. You need to relax. If you really don’t like him, then just go back to being teacher and student. Pretend it never happened.”
“Can I do that?” I asked.
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, you can do that.”
“Won’t that be weird?”
“You think looking at him and blushing or sneaking under the desk with him isn’t weird?” she volleyed.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what to do or how to act. I mean, do we talk about it? Do we make little secret comments about it?”
“That’s up to you. If you’re really uncomfortable with this, just go back to treating him like a student you haven’t seen naked.”
“Technically, I haven’t seen him naked,” I pointed out. “It was kind of a quick thing, against the wall. My back was to him.”
She burst into laughter. “You rutted in the library.”
“Gross, don’t put it like that.”
“But it’s the truth.”
I grinned. “It kind of is.”
“I’m happy for you. You look happy underneath all that fear.”
I blew out my cheeks. “It was pretty fun. I’m not going to deny it. It just really sucks he has to be a student.”
“I know, but is he still off-limits once he’s done with your class?”
I nodded. “Yes. I mean, I suppose. The dean doesn’t like the idea of cavorting between the faculty and the students in general. I’m assuming there are ways around it, but I don’t want to be known as the professor that sleeps with her students.”
“Why does anyone need to know?”
I shrugged. “Because the campus is like a small town. The gossip is rampant. If, a big fat if, Christopher and I dated or if someone knew where I lived and he happened to be leaving my house and they saw, it would spread like wildfire.”
“You’ve got a very active imagination,” she said shaking her head. “You’re really getting ahead of yourself and I think maybe you have a bit of inflated ego.”
My mouth dropped open. “What? I don’t have an inflated ego!”
“Do you really think people care that much about you that they are going to sit outside your house to see who you’re shacking up with. No one cares that much about you.”
“That’s rude.”
“I’m just saying, you’re thinking up all these crazy scenarios and I really don’t think people are going to care that much. I think they are going to be more interested in what the quarterback is doing or when the next protest is.”
She had a point. “Okay, fine. No one cares what I do, but the dean does. I do. I have set a high standard for myself. This is unlike me.”
“So what. Live a little.”
“I did. Now I’m done. I’m going to take your advice.”
She looked confused. “Which part?”
“The part about treating him like any other student. I’m just going to pretend it never happened. Hopefully, he’ll get what I’m doing and go with it. We’ll never have to worry about it happening again. No harm, no foul.”
She nodded. “That’s good. Very good. However.”
I shook my head. “No. No however or buts.”
“However, if you get a hankering for another little quickie, I wouldn’t pass up the chance.”
I pointed my finger at her. “You wouldn’t pass it up—I would. I have to. I have to keep my job. That damn house is never going to get finished if I lose my job.”
“You’re panicking for nothing.”
“I’m panicking because it is a very real risk.”
She sighed. “Chicken.”
I finished my soda. “I’m going home. I need to shower and get ready for class tomorrow. It’s going to be very stressful. I need to be on my best game.”
“Ew, shower you dirty, dirty girl!”
I waved and headed for my car. I felt better. I was going to pretend it had never happened. At least, I was going to give him the impression I was completely unaffected by what happened. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. It couldn’t happen again.
When I got home, I immediately headed for the shower. I needed to wash away all evidence of Christopher. If I didn’t, I was going to be thinking about him all damn night. I was going to be reliving the sex over and over.
I stepped under the shower spray, letting the water run over my body. I closed my eyes, thinking of his hands on me—in me. I felt like I had only gotten a sample. I wished I could have had the full meal. He would make a very filling and very satisfying meal. Ten minutes alone with him had left my body humming.
I wanted more.
“Stop. No more. You can’t think of him like that.”
Chapter 19
Christopher
The test was relatively easy. I had expected it to be much harder, but it wasn’t so bad. Maybe I had a knack for the Greek stuff. It was interesting and I was enjoying the class, and not just because the teacher was hot. It was actually very intriguing stuff. I had been reading up on the subject, far more than I was asked to.
I would start reading one story and then there would be a link to another story and before I knew it, I had spent hours reading about the Greeks. I had a lot of questions and was hoping to have lunch with Leila to talk about a few of those questions.
I quickly finished the short paragraph answer and then reviewed the entire test. It looked good. I was convinced I was going to get an A. How could I not? Feeling confident, I got up and made my way to her desk.
“Hi,” I said, keeping my voice very low.
“Finished?” she asked in a cold tone, barely looking at me.
“I am. I think I did pretty well.”
“Good. I’ll have the tests graded before tom
orrow’s class. Then you will know for sure.”
I looked at her, trying to gauge what was happening. She was acting very different than she had yesterday. She acted like she didn’t know me, like I hadn’t buried myself into her sweet, wet heat just twenty-four hours ago. I wasn’t sure what to think of the situation. I’d heard of the term ghosting, but was that even possible when we were going to see each other every day?
“All right,” I said, not entirely sure what to say. “Should I stay until the end of class?” I asked.
She wouldn’t look at me. I knew what I should do, but it felt strange not to have that easy rapport with her. I should pretend to be completely unaffected by her aloofness. I wasn’t. It kind of stung.
“No, you don’t need to stay,” she answered her focus on a stack of papers on her desk. “You’re free to go.”
I nodded. She was literally dismissing me. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said.
“Have a good day,” she replied in a fake cheery voice.
Clearly, I had pissed her off. I grabbed my briefcase, nodded at Alan, and left the class. I shouldn’t have been bothered by her obvious rejection, but it was like being slapped. She was icing me. I knew the dating world could be cutthroat, but damn. She’d gone from hot to cold overnight. I wasn’t quite prepared for that craziness. If that’s what I could expect from dating, I would stick with being single. I didn’t like games.
Alan was right. I needed to focus on Olin. I didn’t need to worry about what had happened between Leila and I. Clearly, she was not interested in seeing me again. Fine by me. I didn’t need the drama. I had plenty of drama at home with my son. He deserved my attention and I was going to give it to him.
Leila had come across as a mature woman, but I was seeing her in a different light. She claimed to not sleep with students, but I had to wonder if it was an act. As soon as the idea popped into my head, I rejected it. She wasn’t like that. I had to trust my instincts enough to believe she wasn’t the type to sleep around.
What had happened between us was my fault. It had been a moment of weakness on my part. I had kissed her. I had made the first move. I felt like I owed her an apology. If the iciness continued, I would apologize. I hoped she didn’t report me and get me kicked out of school before I actually got started. She’d certainly seemed to be just as into it as I was, but that wasn’t the point.
I should have kept my hands to myself. Lesson learned.
I headed for home, swinging by a supermarket and picking up a few essentials. It was a little strange to be doing the grocery shopping, but it was something I had to learn after Carlie had died. Thankfully, I was in a position to hire a housekeeper to take care of things like the laundry and cleaning toilets, otherwise Olin and I would have been buried in filth. Neither of us knew much about taking care of a house.
At home, I meandered around. I was bored. One class was not going to keep me busy. I needed something to occupy my time. I had always had about a million things to do for as long as I could remember. If I wasn’t working, I was networking or spending time with my wife. I had friends back in Minnesota. I had a life that kept me on my toes.
The transition to doing nothing was not going well. I didn’t think I wanted a job. I had retired so I could spend more time with Olin. I was hoping he would get involved in sports again. That would give me something to look forward to. Skeet shooting had been fun, but it wasn’t something I could see myself doing on a daily basis. Fishing was all right, but again, not exactly an exciting hobby.
I supposed it was probably time I picked up golf. Or tennis. I did not want to sit around and become a couch potato. I needed to stay active. I was practically counting down the minutes until Olin got home just so I would have someone to talk to. I was bored and lonely. That was a lethal combination.
I wished I was the type to bake cookies. I would love to surprise Olin with some fresh cookies for when he got home. I supposed he was a little too old for that. I had missed my chance to see his face light up when he walked through the door. Carlie had gotten those moments. I had been at work. I had envied her and even been a little jealous. I felt like I was the one sacrificing to give her the big house and a comfortable life.
It had caused many fights. She had always told me she would have been just as happy in a small house with us barely getting by. I had never believed her back then. I did now. Now that I saw how short life was and how precious every minute with loved ones truly was, I believed her.
“You’re home early,” Olin said walking into the kitchen.
“I thought we could hang out,” I said.
I got the same look I always did when I suggested we spend time together. It was something between the look of gas and the look of someone who stepped in dog shit. “Why?”
I shrugged. “Because neither of us has anything else to do.”
“I have homework.”
I supposed that was a good answer, assuming he actually did the homework. “With Christmas around the corner, I wanted to see what you wanted to do for the holidays.”
“Do?”
“Yeah, do you want to put a tree up here? I feel like we could use a little holiday cheer around the place. Do you want to go to somewhere tropical? Skiing?”
“You want to put up a tree?” he asked with surprise.
I grimaced. “I was thinking we could hire one of those services to decorate the place to the nines. Make it snazzy, throw a party to welcome us to the neighborhood.”
“You want us to throw us a party?”
“More of an open house, come over and meet the new neighbors kind of thing. It’s good to know your neighbors.”
His face said it all. I watched as he walked to the fridge, pulled it open, and stood in front of it for several long minutes. It was killing me, but I didn’t lecture him to shut the damn thing. I watched and waited for him to give me his answer.
“I want to go home,” he finally said, turning to look at me.
“What? You want to stay here?”
“Home. I want to go home for Christmas. Minnesota.”
I nodded. I knew that was a good possibility. I had been hoping he wouldn’t want to go back there, not yet, but it was expected. The first Christmas without her had been a blur. I barely remembered it. She’d died just before Thanksgiving. The months following her loss had been numb. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back, but it was what he wanted. “I guess we can do that.”
“Maybe fly this time?”
I laughed. “Not up for a two-day trek?”
“No. Definitely not.”
“I think flying sounds like a good plan.”
“Really?”
“Sure, why not. All our Christmas stuff is there. We might as well. It will be nice to have a white Christmas.”
“Cool.”
That was high praise coming from a teenager. I almost hooted with glee. I contained myself. “Anything you want for Christmas?” I asked.
“A car.”
I groaned. “We’ve talked about this. A new game? Headphones?”
He shrugged. “Money.”
I rolled my eyes. “Give me something to work with.”
“I don’t know. I don’t need anything.”
I supposed that was a good thing. I knew he had everything he needed. That was satisfying. “All right, if you think of anything, let me know. I’ll book flights.”
“All right,” he muttered and walked out of the kitchen, snatching the bag of potato chips I had just picked up and heading upstairs.
I pulled open the freezer and stared at the contents, trying to find inspiration for dinner. I didn’t know how Carlie had done it all those years. She’d made dinner every night for us. It usually ended up just being her and Olin. I was always at work. Always taking clients to dinner. I wished I had taken the time to enjoy more of her meals.
I pulled out a pound of hamburger and popped it in the microwave to defrost and hoped like hell I could find something to go with the me
at. I rummaged around, searching my very limited recipe database until I decided to go with a fancy version of nachos.
I carried everything back to the kitchen and got busy chopping tomatoes and other toppings for the nachos. As I prepared dinner, I thought about Leila. I hated that the friendship I felt like we were building had been diminished by the sexual encounter. She had warned me away and I had ignored her warnings.
It was too complicated. I didn’t need any more complications. My life wasn’t exactly a cakewalk at the moment. I had retired and moved to Texas to give myself a chance to find a new normal. Trying to hook up with Leila was a complication I couldn’t afford to invite into my life.
Alan’s words kept echoing through my head. He told me to devote myself to fixing my relationship with Olin. That’s what I was going to do. I wanted my son back and I could be celibate a couple more years. Although—
I heard the microwave beep, announcing the meat was thawed. I pulled it out and tossed it into a frying pan. I stared at the meat, my eyes blurring as I watched the hamburger sizzle in the pan. Even with Olin home, I still felt alone.
The house was too quiet. There was no life in it. I couldn’t do this day in and day out for the next ten, twenty, or God willing, thirty years. I suddenly had a real understanding of what it meant to be alone.
I had been mired in grief and just managing to put one foot in front of the other. I hadn’t had time to feel really alone until that moment. It was my own fault. I had bought a big ass house and had no people to fill it with. It only compounded the loneliness.
Chapter 20
Leila
I felt like everyone was looking at me. I had stopped by the faculty lounge to grab my usual donut and coffee and could practically feel the eyes on me. I had looked around and while it appeared no one even knew I was there, my guilty conscience was eating at me.
I had stared at my reflection in the mirror for several long minutes that morning. I wanted to make sure there was no sign of my mistake written on my face. There was nothing obvious, but I felt like everyone would just know.
