Tom wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I’ve had some extra stress at work, baby girl, and I’ve had to work more to keep up with it, but I’ve been here a lot of times when you were out with your friends or at work. I might have bought a little more beer than usual; I’ll watch that. As for Max, well, who knows what goes through a dog’s mind. You know? But most importantly, we can talk anytime you want.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’m always available to you.”
She smiled up at him weakly, but just as she opened her mouth to speak, a car pulled into the drive. Her boyfriend, Eric, palmed the horn twice. Tom waved at the boy, barely able to squelch a sigh of relief.
“I’ve got to go.” She stopped before she passed under the raised garage door and turned back to him. “Is everything all right with you and Mom?”
He grinned, and prayed to God that his daughter would believe one more lie out of his mouth this evening. “As far as I know.”
The rain stopped and the clouds cleared just in time for a brilliant sunset. Julie had marinated chicken breasts, baked potatoes, and prepared foil packets of zucchini, cherry tomatoes, and herbs. Now, she sat on the patio drinking a glass of Chardonnay and watching Tom grill the meat and vegetables.
“Lindsay says she’s finished all the applications for school,” she said.
“Has she?”
“She thinks I’m a bitch.”
“No, she doesn’t.”
Julie smiled at him. “It’s all right, Tom, you don’t have to spare my feelings. Every teenage girl thinks her mother is a bitch at some point. At least, I know I did.”
“But your mother was a sweetheart.” He froze. The implication of his words had hit him the second they left his mouth. He stretched his open hand toward her as though he were reaching for the words to grab them back. With a sigh, he dropped his hand back to his side.
“I know you didn’t mean it to come out that way.” She sounded sad, not angry. “But … do you see me as a bitch?”
“Of course not.”
He’d answered automatically, but it was true. Julie was kind … in all shades of the meaning. Someday her own son-in-law would describe her as a sweetheart.
(Then why are you cheating on her?)
“… what’s on your mind,” she was saying. “Really, I guess I’m just as guilty as you are.”
Guilty.
The word jolted him to attention. She’d confessed them both guilty of something, and he had no idea what. Damn his wandering mind. She stared at him, expecting some reaction. When he said nothing, she sighed deeply, as though interpreting his silence as a response.
She took a sip of her wine and then stood. “The temperature’s dropped since the storm. I think we’ll eat out here.”
Wondering what he’d missed in the conversation, Tom watched Julie walk inside. He knew what he felt most guilty of, but he was damned sure Julie had not confessed to being a cheat. His daughter thought he was acting weird and his wife thought he was guilty of something. He was both. He couldn’t admit either.
Julie returned to the patio, set the table, and refilled their glasses. She kicked off her sandals and walked barefoot in the wet grass. In the fading light, she surveyed her flower beds and then leaned close to the honeysuckle growing along the fence. One of her favorite scents, she’d told him. On her way back toward him, she reached out to catch the first of the evening’s lightning bugs. The innocence of the gesture made him smile. When Julie opened her cupped hands just enough to see the green-gold fluorescent glow, his heart ached with love for her.
How had he been so blind? He had everything a man could hope for right here. Counting since the day they met, Julie had put up with him for twenty-four years. She wouldn’t leave him now unless he gave her no choice. And he wouldn’t. He’d do whatever it took—even double-dating with Patricia and Eddie—to make her happy. He’d be insane not to.
At first, Tom ate in silence, giving Julie the opportunity to lead the conversation down whatever road she wished. But she made only an occasional comment on the food or the weather. After a while, the tension of waiting for her to reveal why she’d summoned him home caused Tom to chatter mindlessly. Still, she said little in response. Finally, he began to wonder if she’d already broached the topic of the day during the few seconds he’d missed earlier. No, she wouldn’t have let it pass so easily.
Barely another word passed between them during the kitchen cleanup and the two and a half hours of TV they watched after dinner. When the bomb did drop, it wasn’t anything Tom had feared. In fact, it was the furthest thing from his mind.
“I’m going up to bed,” Julie said, “I’d like you to join me. If you want.”
“Oh!” he said. “Yeah. Sure.”
He turned off the television and the inside lights, flicking on the porch light for Lindsay. As he followed Julie up the stairs, he flashed back to Annie sandwiched between the Camry and his crotch. Knowing Julie would think his obvious arousal was just for her, he suffered a stab of guilt. More like a machete blow, actually.
Still, it was through no fault of Tom’s that their lovemaking that night was unsatisfactory. They started off fine, with some of the passionate abandon of long ago even, but then Julie cut short the foreplay and thwarted his attempt to bring her to orgasm. Now, they lay in the dark, side by side with a cold gulf between them. He grew drowsy wondering why she’d initiated sex in the first place. As he drifted closer to sleep he tried to convince himself that her mid-stream reversal couldn’t possibly have anything to do with Annie. Julie didn’t know he’d ever seen Annie again.
17
June 17
Annie sat in her kitchen absently counting and recounting the panes of glass in the window. Her cup of tea, now cold, was half-empty, but her breakfast sat untouched. Maggie hadn’t reappeared to her. Tom hadn’t called her. Maybe I don’t exist. Sometimes she almost believed that, if only for a second. When she sat in a restaurant ignored by a waitress or stood in a store ignored by a sales clerk, she wondered if she were invisible. Or maybe didn’t exist at all.
A flash of red as a cardinal flew past the window startled her back to her very real existence. Suddenly, Annie remembered her plan to go back to the genealogy library to search for records of Elihu Bennett’s trial and the birth of Maggie’s baby. She’d found neither online. She sighed. Thinking about Jacob and Maggie was useless. Since she might not have any future with Tom, what was the point in trying to learn more about her past with him?
At ten o’clock, her boss called to ask if she could come in to work for a few hours. Feeling guilty about the times she’d cut her hours and over-scheduled the teens since she met Tom, she consented. Besides, she would only feel worse sitting home waiting to hear from him. After what his friend Eddie had told her, it might be a long wait. Tiptoeing on cold little feet across the back of her mind was the fear that she might not ever talk to Tom again.
The phone rang just as she was walking out the door. It was Tom, asking to see her. In a voice half-strangled by the effort to keep from crying with relief, Annie told him she had to go to work. Her mood shot from hopeful to ecstatic when he said he’d meet her there.
*
Tom’s resolve weakened the minute he saw Annie. They sat at one of the tables in the theater cafe. He was eating a lunch of hot dogs and nachos from the concession stand, sacrificing nutrition and risking heartburn, so he could act like a man and break it off with her face to face. Bad decision. She emitted some kind of magnetic pull that made him ache to take her in his arms, some electrical pulse that scrambled his thoughts.
“Will you let me cook supper for you tomorrow night?” she asked.
“Uh … let me check my schedule.” Damn him for the evasion. He’d call her when he got back to work, break it off that way.
“I’m an excellent cook.”
“Good to know.”
“Is something wrong, Tom?”
Annie laid her hand on his arm, and the power of her touch shot th
rough him.
“I’ve got to get back to work,” he said, but his legs wouldn’t obey him when he tried to stand. “I’ve … got a meeting … this afternoon.”
Finally, he made it to his feet and headed toward the exit. It felt as though he were walking underwater, and the going only got harder when he reached the parking lot. Annie called his name, but he didn’t dare turn around. The first zing of pain through his temples nearly brought him to his knees. His vision blackened at the edges. I’m having a stroke.
Then Annie was in his arms, and they were kissing. And he was pain free. Such was the power of lust.
“I wish you weren’t working till close tonight,” he whispered into her hair.
“But I’m not. I came in today just to train Jacqui to work the cafe, so I get off at six.”
He smiled. “Then I’ll come to you tonight.” He kissed her again.
“I’ll be home,” she said and returned his smile. “But right now, we both better get back to work.”
She gave him a playful push and turned to go back in to the theater, but Tom grabbed her hand, pulling her back for one last kiss.
*
Tom didn’t get much work done the rest of the afternoon. Although he tried to concentrate, his thoughts were like helium balloons worked loose from their tether weight. The only problem he stuck to was working out a plan for getting out of the house to see Annie. Confidant he’d come up with a good one, he was whistling as he parked in his driveway. The tune died on his lips as soon as he opened the front door.
“It’s disgusting!” Lindsay yelled from the direction of the kitchen. “How can you just sit there calmly telling me this?”
Julie replied, but he couldn’t make out her words. Lindsay’s response to her mother came through with excruciating clarity.
“Yes, I do know what’s going on, and it makes me sick to even think about it!”
He stood frozen in place. Julie was speaking again, but even if she’d been shouting like Lindsay, he wouldn’t have heard her over the clamor in his head.
Oh, God. Oh, God. They know.
He didn’t know how, but they’d found out about Annie. The blood pounded in his ears till he could no longer hear even Lindsay’s angry shouts. For one perfectly insane moment, he thought about going back out the door, emptying his bank accounts, and flying to some exotic place where he would live happily ever after.
I’m the man with the plan.
Lindsay storming into the hall toward the stairs jolted him from his reverie. She paused and pressed trembling fingers to her lips, but the gesture didn’t stop the flow of tears. Without a word, she fled past him and up the stairs. Slamming the door to her room was comment enough.
If I suffered a fatal heart attack right now, not only would it be justified, but I would actually welcome it. After several seconds, his heart slowed and he accepted that a sudden death was not going to reprieve him. He went in search of Julie.
She was standing at the sink scrubbing potatoes.
“Julie?”
“Is steak all right for dinner?” She turned to face him, waiting for his answer.
He was surprised to see there were no signs she’d been crying. In fact, if he’d arrived home at this moment, he would have had no clue that his wife and daughter had just had a screaming fight. He decided to sing along to that tune.
“Steak sounds great. I’m grilling, right?”
She nodded and gave him a half-smile as if she wasn’t fully aware of what she was agreeing to. But though she was distant, she didn’t seem angry, and that puzzled him. He’d assumed Julie had found out about Annie, but now that he was able to think more rationally, he questioned that she would have gone straight to Lindsay about it. The horror of his next thought made him wish anew for a cardiac episode—what if Lindsay had been the one who discovered the awful truth about him?
But no, in that case, Julie would be furious with him for hurting their daughter like that. He took a deep breath and focused on logic. No use jumping to conclusions. It was possible Julie’s argument with Lindsay had nothing at all to do with him. Guilt was a power plant for paranoia.
“I’ll start the grill after I have a quick shower.” Tom ran his hands through his hair and nearly lost his balance. Confusion had him almost swaying as he retreated from the kitchen.
Goddammit. As he stood under the hot spray, he forced himself to admit he’d become just one more cheating bastard. He deserved the terror he’d suffered when he first thought Julie and Lindsay had found out about Annie.
What makes you so sure they haven’t?
Wasn’t this what Julie had been trying to find the courage to talk to him about for two days? Wasn’t this why she’d wanted to have sex with him last night and then—because she was so hurt—had denied herself any pleasure in it? And even if they hadn’t already found out, they still could. That threat alone should be enough to make him straighten up his act. Wake up and smell the coffee. Take a reality check.
It should. But when the heat of the water reminded him of the warmth of Annie’s body against his, something in him rose up to wage a mighty battle against reality.
Dinner was ready, but Lindsay had not come downstairs. Tom knocked on her door expecting her to either tell him to go away or call out permission for him to enter. Instead, she opened it a few inches. When she saw him, she flung it wide and surprised him with a hug.
“I love you, Dad.”
“Hey, what’s all this about?” His knees had nearly buckled with relief at her greeting. Neither Julie nor Lindsay seemed angry with him. If the shouting he heard when he came home was not because they’d discovered him to be the slime he was, then what was it about?
“I just wanted you to know that,” she said solemnly. “I don’t say it enough. I get busy with … things. You know?”
“I love you too, baby girl.”
“For always?”
“For always. Never doubt that.” Then he raised his eyebrows in unspoken question.
“I haven’t committed a crime or anything, if that’s what you’re asking.” They exchanged identical grins.
Lindsay released him and sat down on her bed. She picked up one of the many stuffed rabbits that inhabited her room. Although she would be eighteen in less than a month, her all-girl room still retained remnants of her childhood.
Tom feared Lindsay would take the better part of the light from this house when she left at the end of summer. Physically she was the image of her mother, but in temperament she was his match. The two of them were both easy going until pressed to the brink, and then it was no holds barred. Only something serious would have caused her to shout at her mother with such fury.
“Come on down,” he said. “Eat the steak I grilled especially for you.”
She gave him a wan smile, but the look in her eyes revealed something unsaid.
“Sorry, Dad, I’m just not hungry.”
He didn’t understand what was happening in this house tonight, but his conscience advised him it was better not to ask questions. He wasn’t sure he could handle the answers.
“How about having dessert with us later?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Lindsay lay back and picked up an open book.
He knew from previous experience this signaled his dismissal, so he left, closing her door behind him.
Standing at the head of the stairs, Tom vowed that he would honor his commitments to his wife and daughter. He was not going to be stupid enough to throw away a relationship of twenty-four years for the little thrill he’d had for the past two weeks. Something deep inside his head ripped open and convulsed with pain. But he didn’t give into it. He couldn’t.
As he and Julie ate dinner, Tom considered how he should tell Annie it was over. Finally. Over. When Julie broke the silence, he startled, nearly spilling his wine.
“The steak is perfect.”
He faked a smile. “Tom’s my name, grillin’s my game.”
“Tom—” She swallowed
, took a sip of wine and swallowed again. “I lied to you the other night at Delvecchio’s.”
It took him a minute to swim back to that conversation. “Oh. You mean Patricia and Eddie aren’t going into business together?”
“No, I mean, yes, they are. And they’re opening a new real estate office.”
“All right …” Because he was packing a heavy load of guilt tonight, he fought down the urge to bristle over the topic of Patricia. Let Julie say what she needed to say.
“She’s had all that money from her divorce settlement and never touched it, so she thinks she can afford to chance it.”
Something in Julie’s eyes, or maybe in her tone, alerted him to pay attention.
“Patricia’s sales have been wonderful for the last ten months, and Eddie has all that experience in the business, of course, so I don’t doubt they’ll be successful.” She paused looking at Tom as though she expected a response, so he nodded. She picked up her wine glass and then set it down without drinking. “I’ll be training their office manager.”
Tom opened his mouth to voice his confusion on that statement, but she held up her hand like a traffic cop.
“I know. I told you I was going to be their office manager. That’s what I lied about.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve decided to get a real estate sales license.”
“Really.”
“Actually, I’ve been studying for the exam. At Patricia’s. That’s why I’ve been going there so much lately.”
Tom had thought her plan to work full time as office manager was her failsafe, but this was the real plan. He couldn’t fault her. She was smart enough to know she had an idiot husband, one who might be weak enough to leave her for the woman he’d been with that afternoon and many times before. He could tell her there was no need for that fear because he knew he’d done a very bad thing, and he promised to never do it again. But this month’s stats on promise keeping was poor. No, let’s be honest, since we’re keeping score—he was batting zero on those promises.
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