‘Perhaps I had better start at the beginning?’
His face was inscrutable. ‘I think you had.’
She nodded and said, ‘It began when you went away that first time -- ’
‘To consult with Sir Roland.’
Her eyes widened. ‘Oh. Is that how you found out about … about my mother?’
‘It is how I confirmed my suspicions. But that’s beside the point, just now. Go on.’
‘Well … you may remember how we parted that morning.’
‘Vividly. Is it important?’
‘Yes.’ The merest hint of colour stained her cheeks. ‘I didn’t want you to leave. I nearly asked you not to … but I wasn’t quite brave enough.’
‘Asking me to stay required courage? Why? You asked quickly enough just now.’
‘That day was different. Because … because that wouldn’t have been all I was asking.’ She looked down at her hands. ‘I think you must have known that.’
Less to make it hard for her than to see what she would say, Rockliffe said negligently, ‘Remind me.’
He watched her breath catch and her colour deepen. Then, to her credit, she looked him in the face and said, ‘I wanted you to make love to me – you have no idea how much I wanted it. And if you had, I would have told you then that I … how I felt about you. I should say that it never occurred to me – not then, nor at any time since – that you m-might love me. I couldn’t help hoping that one day … but mostly I couldn’t see why you would.’ She paused and made a small dismissive gesture. ‘Anyway. I didn’t ask and you left. But it didn’t matter because I thought … I thought that when you came back … only then we went to Ranelagh and Richard said I was a bastard and demanded five hundred guineas. And that was how it started.’
‘Did you believe him?’
‘Not entirely – but I couldn’t be sure he was lying. He showed me the letter my mother had written when she eloped. So I paid him and hoped that was the end of it. Then I tried to come to terms – not just with what he’d said – but what it meant.’ Her hands clenched in her lap and she bent her head again. ‘I thought about all the things you’d put up with already because of our marriage; the gossip, the disapproval of your sister and the acquisition of my unsavoury relatives. I knew I ought to tell you about Richard – I even wanted to. But it didn’t seem right to burden you with anything else. More importantly, I had to find a way to stop your name being dragged in the mud because of me.’ She managed a wry smile. ‘I wanted to protect you because I loved you. It might have been foolish of me – that’s how it was. I suppose I thought that what you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you.’
His eyes narrowed a little and he said, ‘A singularly naïve notion. And no doubt you also thought that keeping me in the dark and at arm’s length wouldn’t hurt me either?’
She flinched. ‘I didn’t realise that it could. If I’d known, perhaps I might have behaved differently. I don’t know. But, at the time, I just felt that letting you make love to me without knowing whether what Richard said was true or not, would be the worst kind of deceit.’
Seconds ticked by in silence and finally Rockliffe said, ‘Very well. Bizarre though I find it, I believe I have followed your reasoning thus far.’ He paused. Then, ‘Why did you run?’
Adeline hesitated and then, reluctantly, told the truth.
‘When Diana said I’d sent Jack to my uncle, you looked at me as though … as though --’
‘I know how I looked. It was designed to get you out of Queensberry House before things got even uglier than they already were. However, if I’d known it would send you headlong into Kent, I might have thought better of it. Was that the only reason?’
‘Not quite. I couldn’t face anyone.’
‘Not even me?’
‘Especially not you. How could I? Thanks to my stupidity and Diana’s talent for eavesdropping – at least, I assume that’s how she found out - you’re now the subject of a particularly sordid scandal. And it’s irreparable. So saying that I’m sorry hardly seems enough, does it? And if nothing else has killed any feeling you might have had for me, this can’t fail to have done so.’
Rockliffe looked back at her for a moment and then, rising, walked away to stare out of the window. He said quietly, ‘You’ve never understood me at all, have you? The things you feared never existed and I came here with the intention of proving it to you … though I would undoubtedly have regretted doing it in anger.’ He paused and then, apparently at random, asked, ‘Earlier, in the park - why were you crying?’
The unexpectedness of it unnerved her.
‘For you,’ she said faintly. ‘I didn’t know, until today, that I’d hurt you so much … and I couldn’t bear it. I still can’t.’
Something shifted in his chest and he turned slowly. ‘And that’s the only reason?’
‘Yes. Why do you doubt it?’ Adeline stood up, facing him across the room. ‘Do you still think I’m – what did you say? – repairing your shattered equilibrium? Or do you believe, as you remarked some time ago, that I’m just intent on hanging on to your rank and your money?’
‘No. I don’t think either of those things. And, for the second of them, I apologise.’
‘Don’t. It’s just - if you did think that - there would be nothing left to say.’ She could feel tears threatening and resolutely swallowed them. ‘Eight years ago, I was dazzled by you – and I still am. Only now it isn’t only your looks and charm; it’s your innate kindness and courtesy and endless consideration … things that never failed even when I didn’t deserve them.’ She hesitated and then said, ‘And at this moment, I only want two things from you; belief … and the possibility of forgiveness.’
‘Ah.’ The merest hint of a rueful smile lit his eyes. ‘Despite anything I may have said to the contrary, there is virtually nothing you could do that I would find unforgivable – and certainly not this. No. The only forgiveness you need is your own.’
‘I can’t,’ she said, unevenly. ‘I can’t forgive myself. And I don’t know how you can either.’
‘Don’t you?’
‘After all this? No.’
‘Then perhaps some of what I said earlier escaped you.’ The smile touched the corners of his mouth. ‘Leaving that aside for the moment, let us move on to the thing you want me to believe … and which, I suspect, I may now be ready to hear.’
Adeline hesitated, seeing the smile but afraid, as yet, to rely on it. Holding his gaze with her own, she said, ‘That I love you. So much that I don’t know how to tell you.’ She paused and then added simply, ‘You stop my breath. You always have.’
Rockliffe’s heart slammed against his ribs. This was more, so very much more, than he had ever hoped for. He looked at her, reading the longing and uncertainty in the wide, blue-green eyes; and, holding out his hand to her, he said gently, ‘Do you think you might consider coming over here and repeating that?’
Still she hesitated, unable to believe he could mean it. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying I’d like you to banish last night from your mind. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you have said something I was afraid I might never hear – and that, finally, I believe it. So I’d like … I would really like to hold you and hear you say it again.’
The tears she had been holding back were suddenly sparkling on her lashes.
‘Tracy …’
In three swift strides he was across the room to fold her in his arms.
‘Don’t, darling. It’s all right. I meant what I said before. I love you.’
Adeline’s fingers clutched his shirt and she pressed her face against his shoulder, feeling his heart beating under her hand. She said painfully, ‘I don’t understand – after everything - how you can.’
‘Hush. The faults were as much mine as yours. Nothing outside this room matters.’
‘It does. Of course it does. That’s why you want to go back to town.’
‘It was – but not any more. I�
�m not leaving you now. Don’t cry.’
Relief washed over her. She said, ‘I love you so very much. How could I not?’
‘I can think of a few reasons,’ he murmured. ‘Most recently, the way I behaved earlier. I’ve waited for what has seemed a very long time to tell you that I loved you … and then to hurl the words at you in temper … well, for that, I can only apologise.’
‘Please don’t. There’s no need. You had every right --’
‘No I didn’t. No right at all and only the vestige of an excuse - in that I had been more frightened than ever in my life before that I wouldn’t find you safe. Or, worse, not at all.’ Drawing her down to sit on the sofa, he dropped on one knee before her so that he could look into her face and, holding both of her hands, said with a smile, ‘I offered to do this once before, if you remember. You should have let me.’
Adeline shook her head and tried to pull him towards her.
‘No. Not yet. Look at me.’ And, when the lucent, dark-fringed eyes locked with his, he said, ‘I once told Rosalind I was looking for a duchess. It wasn’t true. What I wanted was a wife who would occupy every corner of my heart and set my blood on fire; a woman I could make the very core of my being and who I hoped might feel the same about me. When you and I married, very little of that existed between us and yet I had an unreasoning instinct that, one day, it would. This, finally, is that day. I love you and want you more than I dreamed was possible … and nothing will ever hurt you again while I have breath in my body.’ He paused, the dark eyes still looking deep into hers. ‘And now it’s your turn to believe. Do you?’
She nodded and, freeing one of her hands in order to lay it gently against his cheek, said, ‘Yes. But I’d like … I’d really like you to hold me and say it again.’
Laughter stirred in his eyes and he said, ‘What – all of it?’
But he rose to sit beside her and settled her within the shelter of his arm. He felt her coil even closer, her face against his throat and her hand reaching for his free one. His fingers tangled with hers and his thumb brushed lightly and rhythmically over the inside of her wrist. Peace settled over them.
For a time, he said nothing, content to simply hold her while the tensions of the last hours subsided a little and a new tenderness welled up in him. But finally he said carefully, ‘You haven’t asked … but you may wish to know that what I said last night in the ballroom was true. You are not illegitimate. You should also know that it wouldn’t make the slightest difference to me if you were.’
She lifted her head to look up at him. ‘You’ve met my mother?’
‘Yes.’ His eyes travelled to her mouth and then back again before temptation got the better of him. ‘And, in due course, I’ll tell you about that. But not quite yet.’
‘No. I don’t want to think any more … I just want to be with you.’
That gave temptation an unfair advantage. Turning her slightly and releasing her hand in order to cup her face, Rockliffe bent his head and kissed her. Gently, lightly, his mouth caressed rather than demanded … and was immediately rewarded as Adeline’s arms went round him and her body curved into his.
By the time he finally released her to look into her face, the blue-green eyes were filled with something that sent his hunger for her soaring. But still he forced himself to say, ‘You must be exhausted. Do you think you could sleep for a while?’
‘Perhaps.’ She paused, seeming to consider it. ‘Perhaps. But not alone.’
Unsure exactly what she was suggesting - but suspecting that, if she meant it literally, it might present him with certain difficulties, Rockliffe said cautiously, ‘We could try that, if you wish.’
‘I do. I don’t want to be apart from you just now.’ Adeline leaned back against his shoulder and sought his hand again. ‘And then, of course, I’ll need help with my laces.’
And that was when he knew. A slight tremor of laughter ran through him and he said, ‘Ah. I should perhaps point out that, by the time I’ve finished helping you out of your clothes, sleep might not be an option.’
‘No?’ Slipping out of his arms, she rose and drew him to his feet. Then, smiling a little shyly but with no hint of uncertainty, ‘Then we’ll sleep later. Afterwards.’
He looked at her for a long moment, his expression already making her blood run faster. He said, ‘Adeline … forget, if you can, what I might want. Is this what you want?’
‘Yes. Oh – yes,’ she replied on something between a sob and a laugh. ‘Please.’
Rockliffe loosed the breath he was not aware he had been holding and, with an almost imperceptible shake of his head, murmured wickedly, ‘You might consider saving that word until later.’
Lifting his hand, he gently pulled the ribbon from her hair to let it fall from his fingers … and waited, smiling, while she reached up and mirrored his gesture. Then, entirely without haste, he gathered her into his arms and let his mouth find hers.
Having wanted her so much for so long, he had always known that – when the time came – control might be an issue. He had also always known that, regardless of that, he wanted to make the pleasure last as long as was possible … primarily for Adeline, but also for himself. So now, holding her lightly in the circle of one arm and letting his other hand slide up into her hair, he teased her mouth with tantalising slowness until he felt her go weak; and then, releasing her mouth, he forged a lazy trail of small kisses along her jaw to the place where her pulse was hammering. She made a tiny, involuntary sound and her arms tightened about him.
Still with the same unhurried ease, Rockliffe moulded her against his body and sought her mouth again, this time letting the kiss gradually deepen and intensify. Adeline drew an unsteady breath and plunged her fingers into his hair. Quite deliberately, he broke the kiss to say with a smile, ‘Today is ours – and tonight, too; and I am in no hurry.’ And kissed her again.
Sparks were exploding in Adeline’s veins and her bones seemed to be dissolving. Everything outside the circle of his arms ceased to exist and she couldn’t tell if it was his heart she could feel beating or her own. She did not know when his fingers found and unfastened the laces of her gown – was only aware that he had done so when it slithered down to pool on the floor at her feet and his mouth travelled down to sear the skin of her shoulder. Her head fell back, offering him the creamy column of her throat … and, slowly, sensuously, he took it.
Some exquisite minutes later, her stays and petticoats followed the gown. Then, for the first time, Rockliffe let his hands explore the slender line of her back and the curve of her waist and hips though the thin linen shift. Shaken by pulses and her breathing hopelessly disrupted, Adeline gasped and, releasing his hair, slid her hands inside his shirt. For the space of a heartbeat, he remained perfectly still and then, having re-established his control over the desire that was roaring through him like a rip-tide, he pulled the shirt off and cast it aside.
‘Oh,’ said Adeline helplessly, as she discovered the smooth warmth of his chest. ‘Tracy … I … I want you so much.’
That produced a sudden urge to hurry but he forced it back and, with a dark, gleaming smile, said, ‘And you shall have me, my darling – but not, quite, yet.’ And, sweeping her up in his arms, he carried her through the door to his own room.
Even then, though his hands continued their leisurely exploration, he did not immediately remove her shift. He even, from time to time, paused to simply hold her face in his hands and smile at her. And when, at long last, he slid the shift from her shoulders, his eyes feasted on her with an expression which made her tremble and sent heat flooding through her body as he said unevenly, ‘Oh yes. Definitely worth waiting for.’
Without taking his eyes from hers, he lifted her into his bed and discarded the rest of his clothes in a way which suggested that she was welcome to look if she wished.
So she looked and felt her breath leak away. She had known that, beneath the elegant clothes, lay a well-proportioned body. The reality, however, was b
eyond anything she could have imagined. Almost unaware that she did so, she murmured the only word that seemed appropriate … but did not see, as startled laughter flared in his eyes, that he had heard her.
Laughter which vanished as he drew her into his arms and flesh met flesh.
Adeline’s breath caught and she traced the muscles of his shoulders and back while her mouth burned kisses against his throat. Leaving her free to explore his body as she wished, Rockliffe allowed his own caresses to become gradually more intimate, his mouth following his hands until every inch of her skin was on fire as he led her through the labyrinth of desire towards the well of delight that was its core. There was no uncertainty in her and no reticence. Instead, she offered herself willingly and without reservation, enabling him to relish every catch in her breath, every gasp of pleasure and every tiny tremor which ran through her. Her response was so open … so indescribably sweet, that it almost undid him. And when she was beyond everything except sobbing two incoherent words, one of which was his name … when he knew that, like himself, she was very close to the edge … he imprisoned her hands in one of his own and, using the other to brush the hair from her face, said raggedly, ‘Slowly now, darling. Look at me.’
Then, releasing her hands but continuing to hold her gaze, he moved slowly and with infinite care into the molten, silk of her body. Her eyes told him when he hurt her …and, moments later, revealed surprised wonder at feeling him fill her. He waited. And finally, just when his control was starting to falter, the shift in her expression let him know that she was ready for more. Rockliffe kissed her … and gave it, sending her spiralling back to the edge; and, when he knew she was there, he abandoned the restraints he had placed on himself so that they might make the fall together.
‘Heart of my heart, I love you.’
Later, quite a lot later, with her head pillowed on his shoulder and her breathing slowly returning to normal, she said huskily, ‘I didn’t know. I never guessed it could be like that. Is it always so – so -- ?’
‘No. Nor even close.’ Rockliffe felt a tear drip on to his chest and, though he thought he understood, still looked into her face to make sure. Then, satisfied, he said plaintively, ‘Adeline … if you’re going to cry every time I make love to you, I think my self-esteem could be seriously damaged.’
Mesalliance Page 32
