As much as I want to ignore this, I can’t. He’s right. It’s something I do that try as she might, my mom can’t get me to change. It’s also the one way that these guys can still get to me.
Do not cry. If you cry right now then Tim gets what he wants. Keep walking until you’re outside with Kayden and Isabelle.
“Dude! You smell that shit? Looks like Carmen needs a diaper change!”
Closing my eyes as tight as I can, I breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose, my heart already beating itself to death inside my chest, the anxiety rising the more that Tim calls attention to me. I need to just suck it up and get outside, but before I can even put one foot in front of the other to take the steps needed, I can feel my body shaking.
It’s all too much. I’m gonna break down and if that happens then everything is going to get worse. The shaking is gonna turn into me feeling so hot, I’m gonna start scratching, picking at myself and it won’t be long after that before I start hitting myself. I’m gonna complete meltdown in front of the entire school and be even more of a laughing stock then I already am.
I hate that he’s even a little bit right about me. I want him to say things that aren’t true so that they’re easy to ignore and move on from, but this, I can’t move on from it because it’s very real and something I struggle with.
If it bothers Kayden or Belle, they never speak to me about it, but how can they not be bothered by it? If someone as normal as Tim can see it, point it out than I’m sure it’s just another thing that they’re overlooking because they’re too nice to say something. God, they’re all right. I’m defective.
Contrary to what people think, I do clean myself. It just doesn’t happen the way it does for normal people. My mom has to help me. She has to be there through every single step, the one to wash me otherwise it won’t happen at all. I’ll melt down before I even hit the bathroom. The way the water feels on my skin, it’s like a million bugs crawling all over me and don’t even get me started on the way the cloth feels.
It’s like sandpaper against my skin and I’ve actually cried out a bunch of times before my mom finally clued in and got rid of it, choosing instead to go with a soft sponge when she washes me. I’m old enough to wash myself, she shouldn’t even have to be in the bathroom with me, but because of the way it feels, the entire experience, she stays and does what’s needed so that I don’t hurt myself.
That’s something else that’s wrong with me. When everything becomes too much, I’ll slam my head off whatever’s nearby and in this case it’s usually the tub or even the sink if we haven’t gotten that far. It’s another way that my entire family would be better off if I just didn’t exist.
“Eric, are you okay?”
Turning my head at the sound of the voice, seeing that it’s Isabelle, I let go of the breath I’ve been holding. Gripping onto her outstretched hand, I squeeze, saying everything I can’t get out with the simple motion.
“It’s okay. I’m here. It’s gonna be alright.”
God, I can’t believe this is happening right now. Belle has her own issues, so she understands mine, but I hate that she’s the one that’s gotta get me through this now. I should be strong enough to do it on my own, not have a girl helping me.
Sliding her hand out from my grip, the loss of connection making me feel even worse, she slides it back around until our fingers are locked together and again I breathe out. She’s not leaving me, she’s just making it easier.
“Let’s go.”
As we start walking, all the while trying to keep my breathing in check and calm my heart, I hear a slam behind me and jumping at the sound, I catch sight of what caused it.
Kayden has Tim up against the lockers and he’s made it impossible for the guy to move. This is the way I remember Kayden being last fall when he had me pinned the same way and it just makes everything worse. I need to get away from this before I end up throwing up all over Isabelle’s shoes.
“Make him—stop.” I manage to choke out and Belle’s eyes meet mine, understanding what I mean. “Don’t want him—to get in trouble.”
“He won’t. Come on. I’m taking you outside.”
She pulls my hand and with one final look back at Kayden, his position unchanging, Tim still locked under his arms, I follow her to the doors until we’re completely outside and I’m able to breathe in the air around me again.
“I—I thought that with Amy gone t—things would be different.”
“They will. We won’t stop fighting until they are.” She says and before I know it, her arms are wrapping around my body, pulling me into her even though I’m taller. For the first time in forever, touch, it doesn’t make me wanna pull away.
Isabelle hugging me. It’s exactly what I need. What Dr. Thompson said, he was right. She will understand.
“Belle, I n—need to tell y—you something.”
Amelia
“Oh princess, you feel so good. You know just what Daddy likes.”
After pushing his body down on top of mine and rubbing against me, his clothes causing mine to lift, he backs away long enough to strip his shirt off before coming back down and putting the entire weight of his body on top of me again.
It’s the third time this week that he’s done this, waiting until Mommy is passed out in bed and everything is dark. Coming into my room, stroking my hair, calling me all sorts of names that I used to find sweet, but now wish he wouldn’t say at all. Once he’s called me all the names he can think of, he pushes himself on me.
I fought against him for the first two nights but it ended up hurting me more so I stopped. Now I just close my eyes while he does this and cry inside my head. The first time I cried out loud, it upset him and he smacked me across my cheeks so I know not to do it anymore.
It’s not gonna be long now before he sits up again and slides his pants off, panting, almost breathless as he strips my own nightgown off. That’s the part I hate the most and the part that I wish I could scream out to Mommy for, so she could stop it.
I just want it to stop hurting.
~*~*~
Sleep is pointless. Every time I try, my mind is flooded with images of him on top of me and the screams I couldn’t let out then, I do now. It doesn’t change anything though because just like nobody came then, no one does now.
My pain, the tears that fall, the shaking of my body brought on by the anguish that remembering causes, it’s all going to fall on deaf ears.
I’m completely alone.
Resigning myself to the fact that I won’t be sleeping again anytime soon, I sit up in the bed and reach across for the bottle of water sitting on the side table, unscrewing the cap and drinking so fast I’m almost drowning in it. Putting it back on the table, I grab my phone and scroll through the missed messages since my failed attempt at taking a nap.
There’s three, all from Tim. The first two are just texts, but the second one is a picture and as I take in what I’m seeing, my stomach rolls over.
I don’t want to see this shit. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking, but taking a picture of someone looking like this, it’s wrong and I know what wrong really is. It’s made worse because two days ago, the guy in the picture had been the one sitting beside me in a doctor’s office making me laugh.
I’m pretty sure all I’ve gotta do is scroll through the texts and read them to know what led up to the picture I’m seeing, but I don’t wanna know. It’s crazy but being away from school, not having the outlet that I normally do when the memories become too much, it’s changed me.
Eric being tortured does nothing but twist my already upset stomach even more.
There’s only one way to make the nightmares stop. To stop reliving every second of the horrors that asshole put me through, but it’s something I’ve been avoiding. My arms are so torn up I’m pretty sure that there’s no more room and I don’t exactly want to start combining it.
It leaves my legs. The one part of my body that I’ve been trying not to touc
h, but with each passing second becomes more appealing. I need to do this, concern over the way my body will look after be damned. No one is gonna see it anyway. It’s just me here, with Mom being at work. I can do it quick, banish this sick feeling and no one will be the wiser.
Yanking the drawer open, running my hand around inside until it bumps into the exact object I’m looking for, I wrap my hand around it and pull it out. Finding the pack of cigarettes easily, I pull them out too, making sure to shut the drawer behind me.
Sliding up my nightgown until my bare left leg comes into view, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’m already starting to feel the rush and I haven’t even done it yet. What’s happening now, it’s just further proof that this is the right thing.
Bringing the cigarette to my lips, I flick the lighter three times until I hear the crackle as the flame hits the end of it, the bright orange glow so familiar that I smile. Taking a few drags, I pull it out of my mouth and immediately bring it down to my leg, the minute it makes contact, beginning to count.
It’s always one minute when I’m doing it to the girls at school, but for me, in order to make sure I block everything completely out but the pain that comes from the feel of it burning into my skin, I make it last an extra three.
Two hundred and forty seconds is all it takes for my heart to speed up, my breathing to become ragged and the blood to rush to my head. With each passing second the clammy feel of his hands is washed away, the smell of his alcohol filled breath completely erased until nothing but emptiness remains.
Yes, this was definitely the right thing to do.
I feel better already.
Chapter Six
Eric
She had no idea I was feeling that way. When I finally had her attention, breaking down through my stutter and telling her everything, she admitted she knew there was something going on with me, but had no idea it was that.
Isabelle picks up on a lot more than most people do. We’re the same that way. A lot of the reason with her is because she didn’t talk so it was easier for her to just watch. For me, it wasn’t because I didn’t speak; it was because socially, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing so it’s just easier sitting in the background and taking it all in.
Her knowing that I wasn’t right, it’s more than I could have ever asked for because it means that eventually she would have called me on it. It’s been this way since I moved here in the summer and our families connected because of some online autism support group they were all a part of. We’ve always been able to tell when something’s not right and we’re usually so blunt about it that we don’t waste time finding out why.
~*~*~
“How long?”
“What do you mean?”
“How long have you been feeling like this and keeping it a secret?”
“Awhile.”
“Eric, tell me.”
“A few months, I guess?”
She nods in understanding but her eyes tell a different story. There’s pity in them, which she knows I hate almost as much as she does. I don’t want her to pity me or feel bad because I’m the way I am. It won’t make anything better.
“It’s no big deal.”
“Eric, it’s a very big deal. I’m still sort of new to this whole girlfriend thing so I get caught up in Kayden a lot. It’s unfair to you that I do that.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I thought you were upset about Cadence.”
I don’t wanna talk about that. Sure, it was right after she got with Dillon that these feelings started, but nothing else is about her.
“It wasn’t Caddy.”
“I know you like her, Eric. We all do.”
“Who else knows?”
“Me, Kay and Dillon.”
“You didn’t tell her, did you?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“Eric,” she sighs and the sound is like a knife to my chest. I hate making her act like this. She should be happy, not depressed or sad because of everything that’s wrong with me. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like a third wheel.”
“You don’t need to be—”
“Yes I do.” She says, completely cutting me off. “You’re my best friend and I made you feel bad. So, yes I do need to apologize.”
Unsure of what to say now, I just let the air go dead around us, focusing instead on the blades of grass in front of me, pulling them up from the ground one at a time until there’s a pile in front of me. It’s only when a shadow makes its way over me that I realize how much time has actually passed and that we’re no longer alone.
“That shit he was saying, it won’t happen again.”
Kayden to the rescue. Another thing I can’t stand. I should be able to deal with this myself instead of falling apart and letting him deal with it. Dillon was right before, I am a big baby.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does. I told you that I wouldn’t let that shit happen anymore and I meant it. I don’t give a shit that it’s not physical stuff. The taunting and name calling stops too.”
“You’re only gonna get in trouble, so why even bother?”
Kneeling down in front of me and bringing his hand up, twisting my face until I’m looking directly at him even though he knows how hard that is for me, he speaks again and he’s so serious there can be no mistaking that he means every word he’s saying.
“I bother because it’s wrong. I bother because you don’t deserve it. I bother because you fucking mean something to the girl I’m head over heels for and Eric, I bother because you mean something to me.”
~*~*~
“Hey.”
Looking up, shaking off the conversation from earlier and raising my hand to block from the sun now beaming directly into my eyes, I struggle to see who’s standing in front of me.
With another thirty minutes to go until my appointment, sitting outside seemed like a better choice than sweating to death inside. Even knowing that she’s seeing the same doctor as me didn’t prepare me for her to be standing here now and speaking to me.
“Uh—hey.”
“You mind if I sit and wait with you?”
“What time’s your appointment?”
“An hour from now.”
Motioning to the rock beside me, letting her know with a simple wave of my hand that she can sit, I open my mouth and blurt out the first thing that comes in my head.
“Why are you here so early?”
Her head dips, her hair falling in her face so I can’t make out her expression and I sit back and wait for her to respond, copying her movements by letting my own eyes fall to the ground in front of me.
“I couldn’t be at home anymore.”
“Why?”
Looking back up as soon as I ask the question I have no business asking, I see her lips go from being slightly raised to completely straight and want to kick myself. This is exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t have a filter. I’ll ask whatever the hell I want and not think about what it might mean to the other person until way after the fact.
Obviously I’ve pissed her off.
“When’s your appointment?” she asks, completely disregarding what I’ve asked. Redirecting. Something I’m the master of.
“Half hour. It was hotter in there then it was out here so I figured I’d kill time out here instead.”
Way to overshare Eric.
“Being at home, it’s too much.” She leans in and whispers. “Figured it would be safer here.”
The way she’s leaning into me, I can feel her breath exhale on my neck. I know she’s only doing it so that no one walking around us can hear her, but she has no idea what it’s doing to me, her being so close. She also has no clue that I’m liking the bubble gum smell coming off her a little too much.
“Can I ask—you something?”
“Sure.”
“Why are you being so nice to me? Why are you talking to me at all?”
If I didn’t see it wi
th my own eyes I wouldn’t believe it’s happening, but she physically flinches at my questions and backs away. The same tight lipped expression from a few seconds ago is back again and this time, her blue eyes are darker.
I’ve definitely pissed her off this time.
She lowers her head and just like she did in the office two days ago, she starts fiddling with her sweater sleeves and it bothers the hell out of me. Right when I’m about to put my hand out to stop her, she jams one of her hands into her pocket and pulling it back out, I see the lighter in her hand.
I know what the lighter means when it comes to this girl. My questions, they’ve obviously pissed her off enough that she’s about to retaliate and there’s no one around that will stop her. She might get caught at school, but there’s nothing stopping her here.
Jumping up from the rock, I start backing away and it’s only when her eyes come up, focusing on me and not the object in her hand that she understands what’s going on.
“Shit! Eric, I’m not gonna do that.”
“Since when?”
“Since,” she pauses and I back up a little more, not sure what’s about to come next, but wanting to be prepared in case I need to make a quick getaway. “Since this is how I deal with things.”
Huh? Before I can ask her what the hell she’s talking about, she takes a few steps toward me and despite my readiness to flee, I stay locked in place.
“This,” she flicks the lighter in her hand. “It’s what calms me.”
For the first time since she walked up a few minutes ago, invading my space and my thoughts, I get it. When things are too much for me, I use video games, my phone or something else to redirect myself, but for her, she uses the lighter. Knowing what I do about the marks on her arms though, it doesn’t make me feel good.
Does she use the lighter on herself? Is that why she’s so burned?
“Does it calm you when you’re using it on other people?”
Taking another couple of steps forward until she’s standing directly in front of me, she stops and looks me directly in the eye. Struggling to keep my eyes locked in place when my natural way of being is dying for me to look away, I wait to hear what she’s gonna say next.
Take Me With You Page 5
