by M. Mabie
We’d only needed a few peeled. So it was a good thing mashed potatoes would freeze just fine, according to Google.
My head pounded when I thought about Lancaster.
Not only had Ashley went all the way through grade twelve in school, she’d gotten an associate degree after that, and then went to cosmetology school on top of it all. That’s three times as much as I’d had. Her parents had encouraged her to stay in school until she’d completed what she needed to do well on her own.
Ashley was lucky and smart—and also loud and odd, but she was growing on me. That was why, since I didn’t have anything better to do, I was going to help her make some curtains for the nursery and some extra bedding for her crib. It was almost cute how she thought she’d only need a few blankets.
Babies were messy, but she’d find that out soon enough. She was due any day.
After I left the alternative school, I shopped around town for a while to kill time until I was sure that Abraham would be off work. I didn’t feel right about going to the cabin when he wasn’t home, but I needed my sewing machine.
It was a cooler late summer day, and I browsed the mall looking at the fall things they had out for sale. Back to school was written on almost every sign in every window and all I could do was chuckle about it. I was almost twenty-three and somehow their advertising seemed like a twisted jab at my situation.
But it was what it was. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have second guessed that it was all in God’s will. In God’s hands.
Anymore, I didn’t know. Everything seemed more random than I’d ever considered. Accepting that was getting easier.
In the few hours I browsed, I found inspiration to try some new looks. Strolling through the racks of sweaters, cardigans, and jackets, I studied their details and stitching. Most were fine, but some were not worth the price on the tags. I wasn’t an expert seamstress by any stretch of the imagination, but the items I made were decent enough and I’d tried my hand at more modern patterns.
Going with the flow was turning into my new motto.
On my way out of the mall, I strolled past a floor-to-ceiling window. I barely recognized my reflection anymore. I had on a pair of jeans—rolled-up at the bottom like I’d seen in a fashion tips article—and a loose white button up shirt, tucked in, but only at the front. Ashely said that was more flattering and trendier that way. On my feet, were a pair of gold flip flops, which I’d never been allowed to wear even around the house when I was younger because Father didn’t like the sound they made.
As I walked, my hair bounced. Ashley was right about that too. Having a few inches taken off the back had a difference and it wasn’t like I cut it all off. It was still more than halfway down my back, but it felt healthy and held the fun waves I was starting to master better.
It was too far away to see the makeup on my face very well, but I’d started to regularly add mascara, blush, and gloss when I put myself together each morning.
From the outside, I was starting to look like everyone else in Fairview.
On the inside... well, I’d never know how everyone else was, but I was feeling less and less like the Myra from Lancaster.
Was that who I was? Or was this new person me?
Time would tell.
I was edgy on the drive to the cabin and drove slowly. But I’d already committed to helping Ashley, so there was no backing out. They’d been generous and kind to me, and in a way that I never felt judged. That whole family had been accommodating when I’d needed a place to stay and help buying a car, and from what I could tell they told the truth.
All of it, sometimes too much, whether I liked it or not.
Making a few seams on fabric was the least I could do for them.
After all, I’d volunteered knowing where my machine was. And if I hadn’t been ready to see Abraham yet, someone would have fetched it for me, but there I was pulling into the drive, noticing the shop door was open.
Of course, he was working.
I climbed out of the tiny faded navy-blue car with flakey stripes, took a deep breath, and walked across the driveway to find him, feeling something like homesickness with each step. He’d probably be busy, so I’d only interrupt him long enough to say what I was doing. Then he could go back to whatever he needed to.
I was showing up unannounced, after all.
“Abraham,” I said quietly when I didn’t see him by the workbench where I had usually caught him measuring or cutting boards. Just inside, I stopped and glanced around, still not finding him. “Abraham?”
9
Abe
There’d been a rain the night before and the air was still damp with a cool breeze, so I opened the tall back garage door to let the air pass through the shop. But before working, curiosity lured me to the path along the creek toward the back of my property.
It had been months since I’d been on the trail.
Less than a hundred yards away from the shed, I thought I heard a car door shut and paused to glance toward the cabin.
Her voice hit my ears before I saw her, and just like the cure she was, one-by-one the tense muscles in my neck and shoulders relaxed. My legs almost buckled.
“Abraham,” she beckoned again.
In her direction, I cut through the tall grass to save the time I didn’t feel like wasting by walking around the bend.
I almost shouted so she wouldn’t leave, but then she hunched to inspect what I’d been working on. My pace slowed, knowing if she was just a mirage, and not there, she’d be gone when I arrived.
Ashley lied.
She didn’t look good.
She looked fluorescent wearing white and denim. My sanity came into question when I saw her begin to sway. From that day forward, I’d hate Van Morrison for taking her first dance, but thank the Lord, because at least he’d let me watch.
When Myra noticed me, she straightened, and her arms fell to their sides.
We spoke at the same time.
“This is beautiful.”
“Like that song?”
I shifted and scratched my beard.
Her eyes fell, landing somewhere on the dusty floor.
“I was just going for a walk. Come with me?”
“I can’t stay long.”
Without thinking, my arm outstretched to her. “Please?”
Her shoulders rose and fell as she inhaled and exhaled before she took steps my way. She didn’t take my hand, but instead offered me a fragile grin as she neared.
It took me a minute to collect my thoughts, and then without hesitation, as we strolled side-by-side, I started where I should have months ago.
“When I was a kid, I had this feeling like something wasn’t right. I’d questioned everything, but mostly to myself.” I plucked a stalk of the tall grass I passed and rolled it through my fingers. “My dad, he’d speak to my mother like she was almost an employee, treated her like a possession. That was probably the reason I rejected everything he said at first. I never trusted him. Why would I? He was cruel to her, to us at times. I can’t describe it, but that’s why I started to pull away in my teens.”
Myra’s stopped where the land dropped off to the creek bed below and peeked over the edge. It wasn’t far, but a decent drop. When I paused, her blue eyes met mine, urging me on.
She started walking again, and I continued.
“I rebelled. Defied my father every chance I got. He actually said to me once, If you’d just fall in line, all of this could be yours, Abraham.” I mocked him in that preachy, grandstanding tone he used. “I’ll give you whatever woman you want. I was only sixteen but knew there was something just not right about that. About any of it. Then there was the service and testimony he’d give anyone who spent time with me, which didn’t make it very easy to make or keep friends. That and the demeaning way he ordered Mom and Jacob around. The older I got, the more I realized it wasn’t just him. It was the whole town.”
There was a tricky spot in the path where a log had fallen. So I s
topped to make sure she could get across it. She did on her own and then waited for me to do the same.
She was beautiful against the landscape and woods around us.
“That’s why just leaving home wasn’t enough. I wanted all the way out. I knew about the Griers because I worked for a relative of theirs, at the resale furniture shop. They’d come in one day when I was working. You know how it is, everyone knows everyone else, but I didn’t recognize them. They were friendly, and when I was helping them load up, Ted had told me if I ever got to Fairview to look them up. They owned a mill and were always looking for good workers. It was probably just out of politeness, but I ended up taking him up on it.”
The wind picked up as we got closer to the clearing and I could smell the wildflowers even before we could see them. I hoped she liked the spot because it was one of my favorites in the late summer when for a few short weeks it was a sea of purple.
“I bought a truck with what money I had after tithing, and as soon as I could, I left and never looked back. I didn’t even realize it was a cult until after I was here. I didn’t know either.”
We topped a berm and the colorful pasture stretched all the way to the water bank where the creek spilled into the timber.
“Wow,” she said under her breath. Her hair blew across her cheek when she faced me, and I wanted to touch her, but it was obvious, when she didn’t take my hand earlier, it wasn’t what she wanted.
I respected that.
“Why are you telling me all this now?”
“I should have told you the day I came to Jacob’s. There wasn’t time though. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you more when you came home with me—when you put your trust in me. The truth is, from the moment I met you, I just couldn’t take the thought of you being hurt. By them. By me, when I thought of telling you how most of the things you knew were lies. That you’d been manipulated. That you were raised in a cult, led by my father and his before him. I just couldn’t do it.”
“You didn’t think I’d find out? Is that why you never wanted to bring me around the Griers? Or Ashley and Chris?” Although I was on the receiving end, I loved seeing her new grit. Asking questions. “You didn’t think I could take it?”
“I didn’t think you’d believe me at first, and I didn’t want you to have to take it. It’s maddening that Lancaster exists at all.” I laced my hands behind my head and looked up at the grey sky. “I thought I was protecting you, saving you.”
“By pretending? By lying to me?”
“I told you the first night I didn’t think of our marriage the same way you did. I didn’t lie.”
“You also said you cared about me.”
I faced her, head on. “I do. I’d never say that if I didn’t mean it. You’ve got to believe me.”
Her shoulder dropped, and she gazed out at the land.
“I don’t know what I believe right now.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I thought I was going to be your wife—forever—and I was wrong.” Then she shot me a look that I’d never seen on her face. Defiant. Her eyes were nearly icy against the cloudy gray sky. “I thought my feelings for you were real, and maybe I was wrong about that too. I don’t even believe or trust myself right now. Let alone anyone else.”
I hated that she doubted me, but hearing her say she didn’t trust herself was crippling. “Myra, those vows? That wedding? That was them.” I closed the distance between us but didn’t put my hands on her like I wanted to. Didn’t pull her into my chest, her mouth to my mouth to prove how much I wanted her. I had to use my words.
My arm pointed back to the house.
“Us. In that cabin. That was real.”
Her brow pinched, and her eyes softened and squinted into mine. “You were my King on Earth, Abraham. I thought you were my only way to Heaven. I thought God brought you to me. That I was to please you and obey you or go to Hell. In my mind, there was no option. Without all that, I don’t know what I feel.”
There wasn’t a single thing she said that I could debate, but, take it or leave it, I was done holding things back from her. She gazed down the path the way we came.
“Come back. Stay at the cabin.”
“I can’t.”
Disappointment and pride swirled in my chest. She was making decisions for herself, which is what I’d wanted, but it cut deep that from them space was growing between us.
Myra bit her bottom lip, and then added, “I need to go.” She marched down the small hill, and I followed with my tail between my legs.
10
Myra
I didn’t want to cry. I’d done plenty of that over the last month. It hadn’t helped anything.
One foot in front of the other, I stomped down the path at least two times as fast as we’d made the walk out.
I’d been prepared to see Abraham, but why did he have to look so handsome and yet abandoned? His beard was all over the place. His hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed. The jeans he wore were loose and dirty.
My instincts were to tend to him, and they were strong and hard to deny.
I wasn’t immune to his words either. Weeks ago, my naive heart would have melted on the spot. Somewhat less naïve now, I wasn’t going to be so gullible. I didn’t want to be a fool.
Again.
Instead of going through the shop, I went around the side and up the walkway to the front door of the cabin. I didn’t want to take my belongings and have all my possessions covered in tar and nicotine, but I needed my machine and kit.
Before, I hadn’t given much thought to the way the cabin smelled inside, but after just one step into the living room, my lungs filled with its familiar scent. Warm and rustic.
My mind said home, but what did she know?
She’d also believed that if she’d followed the rules and did what she’d been told, she’d be blessed.
Was she blessed? Not that I could tell.
I supposed confused and frustrated outside of a cult was better than happily manipulated inside one, but then my mind went back where it had been the past few days.
My family who was still there. My brothers. My nieces and nephews. My father. What was I to do about them? If I went back and told them what I knew, the Griers said I’d be banished. If I did nothing, they’d be fated and trapped there forever.
I wasn’t sure if I cared.
Dori told me that many of the men in Lancaster knew it was all a scam, but they stayed because they benefited so greatly it didn’t make sense for them to leave. If you were in good standing with the church and Pastor Hathaway, you’d be employed, have a home, a wife, and a family who all thought you were the way.
Just like I had. Three times. My father, Jacob, and Abraham.
I hoped the needle-like pricks in my heart would dull after a time, but they only seemed to sharpen, finding new undamaged places to pierce.
I shook off the thoughts and looked around. The cabin was in decent shape, aside from needing a mopping and dusting. The kitchen was clean, and the bed was made from what I could tell where I stood in the center of the room.
It was strange. There was a strong pit in my gut, anchoring me there. I didn’t want to leave, but I had to.
Still, I had a few minutes and it felt calming to be in that space. Pretend or not, most of the memories I had there—from not that long ago—were some of my very best.
What if Abraham was right and what we had was real? What if he’d meant what he’d said? How did I feel about him?
My body still felt the pull of his.
His eyes still warmed my skin.
The fullness in his voice still cajoled.
“Don’t leave me.”
I hadn’t even heard him come in the kitchen door, but I felt his quiet words sink deep inside my bones. He was behind me and my chest caved under the weight of it all.
“You’re my wife.”
For the first time, it hit me like a wall. “We don’t even know each other.” There were two people in the room and both
were practically strangers.
He’d married me out of pity, charity. I’d married him because I thought it was God’s plan.
Where was God now?
The agony of questioning my faith was as painful as the ache in my heart for the man a few steps away.
“You’re taking your things? So that’s it?” He barely sounded like himself, like the powerful man I’d met at my first husband’s funeral. The man who went head-to-head with his father, my family, and a cult to make sure no one took advantage of me.
But I couldn’t face him. Wasn’t sure what seeing him would do to me. I didn’t have the strength to tell him no or goodbye or deny him more than once in one day. My head knew I had to, my heart and soul disagreed.
Especially since he was still wearing his ring.
11
Abe
I didn’t want her to go. Not after how long she’d been able to stay away. Not after seeing her again.
Myra still arrested me, same as the first time I’d laid eyes on her. It didn’t matter what she wore or where we were. She was always new to me. There was always another layer to uncover, a new facet to discover.
“I’m only taking my sewing machine,” she whispered back but didn’t face me. “For now.”
“Wait, use it here. I’m gone all day, and it’ll give you a reason to get out of the house,” I negotiated, grasping at my last few straws. “When I’m here, I’m down at the shop anyway. I’ll stay out of your way.”
There was only so much longer I could hold back the impulse to demand she stay, whether it worked or not. That monster was in me, fighting its way out.
Without measuring my words, like I’d managed so far to do, I said, “Turn around.”
No more were the words out of my incorrigible mouth before she pivoted, casting her gaze down.
Habits were hard to break, but bells couldn’t be unrung.
Selfishly, her obedience alone wasn’t enough for me. “Your eyes, Myra.”
