Chapter Thirty-Four
Alastair broke into a run in an attempt to catch up with Connie, cursing himself for his foolish behaviour and hoping he hadn’t pushed her too far. She could really move when she wanted to and he didn’t want her making it to the B&B and locking herself away in her room before he had a chance to talk to her. He had to try and explain things and tell her that it wasn’t her fault.
‘Connie!’ he called but she didn’t stop. ‘Wait a minute. I just want to talk to you.’ He’d nearly caught up with her. ‘Will it help if I say I’m sorry?’
Alastair had drawn up alongside her now but he didn’t stop, he kept on running, reaching the door of the B&B and blocking it.
‘Get out of my way, Alastair,’ Connie said, her hazel eyes narrowed.
‘I’m staying here until you’ve heard me out.’
‘You couldn’t possibly have anything to say to me worth listening to,’ Connie said, arms crossed over her chest.
‘Oh, you think?’
‘Yes, I do. And you couldn’t possibly say it without raising your voice and completely humiliating me again.’
They stared at each other, eyes locked in stand-off mode.
‘I shouldn’t have spoken like that,’ Alastair said at last.
‘No, you shouldn’t have,’ Connie said, trying to sidestep Alastair who moved too quickly for her and blocked her way again.
‘You’re rude, impatient and patronising,’ she said.
‘I am, sadly, all those things.’
Connie nodded. ‘Are you going to get out of my way?’
Alastair shook his head.
‘Fine,’ Connie said, turning and marching down the road again.
‘Connie!’ Alastair cried, leaving the door he’d been guarding and tearing after her. ‘Where are you going?’
Connie didn’t answer and Alastair had no option but to follow. She headed back down the main street but didn’t make it as far as the village hall, taking a sharp right down the path that followed the loch.
‘Connie, can’t we just talk?’ Alastair pleaded as he, too, took the path that edged the water. It was late now and the evening light had a strange purple glow. At any other time, he would have stood to admire it, the way the water looked almost violet and the deep indigo of the mountains beyond, but he didn’t have time to be poetical now. He had a mission called Connie.
He quickened his pace as she did hers, watching her dark red hair fly out behind her like the flames of an angry fire. He stumbled and cursed at his clumsiness, glad that Bounce hadn’t followed him for once to make matters worse.
Suddenly, just as he was catching up, Connie turned around.
‘Stop following me!’ she said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. Alastair was surprised. In fact, it had more impact on him than if she’d shouted and he almost felt bad enough to turn away and leave her in peace. Almost.
‘Connie,’ he said, ‘give me a chance to explain myself.’
‘You mean you can?’
‘What?’
‘Explain yourself!’ she said. ‘Are you really telling me that there’s a good enough excuse out there to make it all right for you to treat people like dirt?’
Alastair sighed. ‘No, I’m not,’ he said. ‘But there is some kind of explanation.’
Connie continued to glare at him and then said, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’
Alastair frowned. ‘I don’t mean to be mean,’ he said, ‘and I’m truly sorry for the things I said to you. If it’s any consolation, I’m like this with most actresses.’
‘It isn’t any consolation,’ Connie said.
‘It’s why I moved here.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s why I moved away from London and stopped directing.’
‘But you’re directing here,’ Connie pointed out.
‘Yes, but that’s not the same.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Connie said.
Alastair took a deep breath. ‘The LADS are amateurs. I’m okay with them. We rub along all right.’
‘You’re not making any sense,’ she said.
‘No,’ Alastair said. ‘I guess I’m not. It’s just that – well, you’re a professional.’
‘What difference does that make?’
‘All the difference in the world – to me, at least. You see, I wanted to get the best out of you. I mean, I do with all my actors whether professional or amateur, but it really matters to me when they’re professional like you. I want to push. I want to reach those dizzying heights of perfection – to see a role come alive, you know?’
Connie nodded. ‘And I’m sure your actors want that too, Alastair, but you can’t treat them so badly.’
‘I know, I know. It’s why I gave up directing, I told you. I didn’t like who I became.’ He paused, wondering if he should tell her the truth. He wanted to, desperately wanted to. ‘And I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment.’
‘Oh, really?’ Connie said.
‘Yes, I—’
‘You hurt me,’ she interrupted.
‘I never meant to,’ he told her. ‘I just wanted the best from you. Listen—’
‘Well, I’m glad I never have to work with you again,’ she said.
‘Look,’ Alastair said, trying to remain calm, ‘I never encouraged you to join the LADS. I wasn’t keen from the start if you remember.’
Connie frowned. ‘And neither was I but how could I say no when I was staying here? Acting’s what everyone knows me for!’
‘But you knew you were going to struggle,’ Alastair said.
‘And I’m doing my best to learn.’
‘But you’re saying the lines like you don’t care! Like they don’t mean anything to you,’ Alastair said, realising that his voice was rising again.
‘That’s because they don’t mean anything to me!’ Connie yelled, her eyes flashing with anger once again.
‘I’m sorry!’ Alastair quickly said. ‘I didn’t mean to say that.’
‘Yes, you did. You meant to say it,’ Connie said. ‘All you can think of is what a bad actress I am.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘No? Well, that’s what I heard!’
‘Connie!’
But she was on the move again. She’d reached the sandy shore of the loch and was walking as fast as she could over its sugary surface.
‘I can’t believe it!’ she shouted into the night.
‘Believe what?’ Alastair said, almost crashing into her as she suddenly stopped.
‘That I was actually beginning to fall for you!’ she said.
There was a pause. Alastair looked completely thunderstruck and Connie’s face had flamed.
‘What a fool I’ve been!’ she cried. ‘I can’t believe I almost let it happen again. What is it with me that I always fall for the wrong guys? I don’t want to be treated badly and yet – time after time – I make the same mistake and fall for the guy who treats me like dirt. And you know what?’ she continued, ‘I even believed you were beginning to fall for me.’
Alastair was silent for a moment. It was the opening he’d been dreaming of but now that it was here, he didn’t know what to do. He’d been thinking about Connie, dreaming about her since the day he’d first seen her by the loch but he hadn’t dared to hope that she’d ever look at him.
‘But I was mistaken,’ Connie continued, looking up at him as if willing him to prove her wrong, but Alastair didn’t say a word and so she turned to go.
‘No!’ Alastair reached out and grabbed her arm, spinning her back to face him. ‘You weren’t wrong.’
Connie frowned.
‘I am falling for you,’ he said. ‘I’ve fallen already.’
Connie looked at Alastair, her eyes full of incomprehension. ‘But you never said anything. You—’
‘I didn’t know what to say,’ he told her. ‘I didn’t want it to be true. You’re an actress and I swore it would never happen again.’
‘Swore what woul
d never happen again?’
He shoved his hands in his jacket pocket and looked down at his boots.
‘Alastair,’ Connie said, ‘you’re not making any sense.’
‘Okay, okay,’ he said quietly, biting his lip and taking a deep breath. It was time to explain himself. ‘You deserve to know the truth.’
Connie waited a moment before he began.
‘You know I used to write and direct in London?’
Connie nodded. ‘It’s about all I do know about you.’
‘It’s about all anyone here knows,’ he said.
‘What happened?’ Connie asked, calming down a little.
Alastair began walking and Connie joined him. The violet sky was slipping into darkness but a bright moon silvered the shore.
‘I’d just had a big hit in the West End. A play called Infinite Jest. The critics loved it. Audiences loved it. And actors were clamouring for parts in my next one. I’d never felt under such pressure in my life.’
They walked on, their feet silent in the sand and only the lapping of the loch’s waters breaking the silence.
‘There was an actress in Infinite Jest – Sara Constantine. She wasn’t very well known before the play but things really took off for her in a big way with that role and we – we became involved with each other. It was great at first. We were both so heady with our achievements but once you’ve achieved that level of success, you want to hit those heights again, you know? Once wasn’t enough. Once could be a fluke but twice – that would prove you were made of the right stuff. So I began to write the next play.’
‘What happened then?’ Connie asked gently.
‘I couldn’t do it,’ Alastair said. ‘I was writing but it was awful. It just wasn’t working. I still can’t explain it today. It was as if I’d written the very best thing I was capable of and I knew it was all going to be downhill from there but nobody else saw it. Sara thought her part was the best yet and she threw herself into it. She even turned down a film role that was offered to her. I didn’t direct this next play of mine. I made excuses when asked. I just wanted to walk away from it but it’s not that easy, is it? And, when it came out, there was nowhere to hide.’ Alastair fell quiet.
‘I’m guessing it didn’t do well,’ Connie said.
Alastair gave a pained laugh. ‘That’s the understatement of the century. It flopped like I’ve never seen a play flop before. The papers tore it to shreds and it was closed almost immediately. It was a total disaster. But that’s the theatre – if you’re not spinning with the dizzying highs, you’re consumed by the dreadful lows.’
‘And what happened to Sara?’
‘She was heartbroken. She was already totally insecure about herself but Infinite Jest had really built up her confidence and to see that taken away from her was appalling.’
‘Were you still writing?’
‘I was trying. Sara was on at me to write another play. It was like she was holding me responsible for her professional demise as well as my own. It became impossible. The more unable I was to deliver, the more hysterical she became. I’ve never seen anything like it. I was terrified and the scary thing was, she wasn’t drinking and she certainly didn’t do drugs. It was pure hysteria,’ Alastair said, his eyes wide and wild as if he was witnessing that very hysteria all over again.
‘I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t handle her and it wasn’t any comfort when friends told me that nobody could handle her – that she needed professional help. But, like most people who desperately need it, she didn’t think she did.’
Again, Alastair paused and the two of them stopped walking.
Connie was the first to speak. ‘Alastair? You okay?’
He nodded and sighed. ‘She tried to kill herself,’ he said in a quiet voice.
The LADS were standing on the other side of the loch listening intently. It was common knowledge that sound carried across the stretch of water and many an indiscretion had come back to haunt locals over the years.
‘God, she sounds furious,’ Kirsty said.
‘Wouldn’t you be if Alastair had spoken to you like that?’ Catriona said.
‘It’s like having our very own Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, isn’t it?’ Maggie said, with just a hint of glee in her voice.
‘He had it coming,’ Euan said. ‘I warned him but he wouldn’t let the lass be.’
‘He’s been an absolute sod to her,’ Maggie said.
‘But he fancies her, doesn’t he?’ Catriona asked.
‘Of course he does!’ Kirsty said. ‘You’ve seen the way he looks at her.’
‘Aye,’ Catriona said. ‘Like he wants to bed her one minute then murder her the next.’
‘True love, then,’ Hamish said.
‘Shush!’ Maggie said. ‘I can’t hear anything.’
They all stood silently for a moment.
‘It’s gone very quiet,’ Sandy said. ‘I’m not sure we should really be listening to this.’
‘Nobody’s stopping you from going home, Sandy,’ Hamish said.
Sandy shook his head. ‘Well, I wouldn’t want to miss anything.’
‘What are they doing?’ Maggie asked.
‘What are they doing? What do you think they’re doing?’ Hamish said.
‘Oh my God! You think they’re kissing?’ Kirsty squeaked in excitement.
‘And the rest,’ Hamish said.
‘I wish I could see,’ Angus said.
‘You pervert!’ Maggie said, punching him in the ribs.
‘Pipe down,’ Hamish said, and they all strained to hear what was happening down on the southern shore of the loch.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Connie looked at Alastair in horror at what he’d just told her.
‘I came home one day to find her on the bed. There was an empty bottle of pills in her hand. I felt so guilty because I hadn’t seen that coming. I knew she wasn’t happy but she hadn’t said anything to indicate she was so low. I still remember making that call for the ambulance. I felt so cold, so numb – as if it wasn’t really me. My hands were like ice and they didn’t warm up the whole evening. It was as if I’d died or something. God!’ Alastair yelled into the night as he remembered. ‘And I stayed with her until she came round from having her stomach pumped.’
‘Poor Sara,’ Connie said. ‘Was there any lasting damage?’
Alastair shook his head. ‘They got her in time, thank God, but I should have been there. I should have known what was going on with her.’
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Connie said. ‘You couldn’t have known what she was thinking or feeling. You had your own worries.’
‘No, it wasn’t my fault,’ he said, ‘but it still feels as if it was.’
‘But is she okay now?’
‘She’s living with her sister,’ Alastair said, carefully navigating his way around the fact that she was actually in Lochnabrae right now and very likely in his bedroom, which wouldn’t look good if it was discovered. ‘We couldn’t stay together. We just seemed to bring out the very worst in each other.’
Connie bit her lip. ‘And that’s why you came here?’
‘I had to get away from it all. You know what it’s like to have the press on your back? I couldn’t stand it when they kept on and on with the stories about Sara’s overdose.’
‘But you’re still writing, aren’t you?’
‘I don’t know if you can call it writing,’ he said, ‘but I’ve got to come up with something soon. You can’t live on fine air and scenery.’
‘But don’t you miss it?’ Connie asked.
‘What?’
‘The theatre – the noise and the buzz?’
‘Do you?’
Connie sighed. ‘I’m still trying to figure that out.’
‘I miss it, sure I do, but I didn’t like the person it turned me into. When I started writing for the theatre, I got a real buzz, you know, but then it became a job that was no longer just about the words and then the directing be
gan and – well – you’ve seen what happens to me when I direct.’
‘Yes,’ Connie said and then she was quiet for a moment.
‘What is it, Connie?’
She looked up at him. ‘I just wish you’d told me about Sara – about everything. I’d have understood, then. I do understand about pressure, you know. We could have talked about things and maybe you would have told me about—’ she paused.
‘About what?’
Connie bit her lip. ‘About how you feel about me.’
They stared at each other, neither speaking.
‘God, I’m sorry,’ Alastair said at last, taking a step towards her. ‘I so wanted to talk to you and I never meant to hurt you. I’ve been so stupid and I’ve treated you so badly, Connie. I just wanted to get the best from you because I know you’re brilliant.’
Connie shook her head. ‘It’s too late for flattery now,’ she said with a tiny smile. ‘It won’t get you anywhere.’
‘Are you sure?’ Alastair asked and he crossed the space that parted them. ‘Listen,’ he said, ‘I should have told you how I felt ages ago. I’ve been such an idiot. But you know how I feel, don’t you?’
Connie looked up at him, her face bright in the moonlight. ‘I’m not sure,’ she said but there was a tiny smile playing around her lips and Alastair bent his head down to meet those lips with his.
It was a sweet, tender kiss that seemed full of moonbeams and starlight but it soon deepened. Connie closed her eyes, the warm rush of desire flooding her body. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt like that and the feeling excited her beyond belief.
They kissed until they could no longer tell whose lips were whose and then there was a mad rush of limbs as they undressed each other, their skins gleaming white in the moonlight as they made love on the sand by the loch.
Everything else was forgotten. Hollywood agents, film contracts, dreadful exes, stressful rehearsals – all were banished and the world focussed simply on the purity of a shared moment. A warm, wondrous, wicked moment, Connie thought, as she closed her eyes and listened to the waters of the loch lapping against the shore in the inky distance.
Maggie and Euan were looking around for Bounce but he’d disappeared.
‘I hope he’s all right,’ Maggie said.
The Runaway Actress Page 26
