“Lady, are you alright?” a man shouted. “We’ve called 911. Were there just the two of you in the car?”
IAN!
A crippling fear gripped me as every last second fell into place in my mind. Him being thrown through the windshield was on replay over and over again. Willing my legs to move forward, I carried Beck with me, putting one foot in front of the other.
Red and blue lights flashed ahead in the distance, approaching us. With the flicker of light, I saw Ian lying up ahead in the road, maybe 50 yards away.
“No!” I howled—a feral, primitive howl, as my legs increased their pace. Getting to him was the longest, most torturous ten seconds of my life. His badly contorted body lay in a jumbled position. He was an emergency room doctor. He’d saved my life. He’d saved many lives. It was my turn to save his. He’d know what to do.
“Ian,” I cried. “Please. Tell me what to do.”
The slowest of groans reverberated up his throat as I got near his face. Blood was everywhere. So. Much. Blood. Sirens were upon us, and blinding lights shone from somewhere in front of us.
“Ian…” I whispered with our noses touching. “Baby. I need you. Please, Ian.”
The most beautiful eyes fluttered open for a long second. “Mela,” he sighed, sputtering on blood, then closed his eyes.
“It’s ok, Ian. You’re ok. You’re ok. You’re ok,” I softly said, fully believing in my words, but willing them to be true.
“Ma’am. Please step back so we can look at you and the gentleman,” a man in uniform said.
“He needs a doctor, but he’s ok. He’s ok. He’s ok,” I said once again like a mantra, believing the words. “Please get him some help.” Beck cried in the infant seat next to me. The smell of smoke floated through the air.
The officer or paramedic or whatever knelt next to Ian.
“What’s his name?” he asked.
“Ian McKinley,” I said, clearing my throat as tears swelled in my eyes.
“Any relation to Senator McKinley?”
“Her son,” I squeaked out, sounding weak and suddenly unconfident. Oh God, the thought of dealing with her made me feel sick.
As if things weren’t already chaotic, paramedics and law enforcement surrounded us instantly. Bright lights shone in my eyes as they checked me over. Questions whizzed out so quickly as I pointed to the man who’d tried to help us earlier. Medics worked on Ian, putting an IV in, oxygen over his face. Good.
I tried the pacifier that Beck consistently refused, and oddly he began sucking on it. Maybe he sensed something.
A highway patrol officer spoke into the radio. “Working a fatality accident. Reroute if possible.”
Fatality? Sadly, I glanced at the truck attached to the driver side of our car. That was the same truck that had just sped past us. I should tell the officers that. Firefighters were working around it. By the looks of it, I should be the one who was killed.
“Ma’am, we need to take a look at you and the baby.”
My fist instantly tightened on Beck’s car seat handle.
“I’m fine,” I said, brushing him off. “Ian unbuckled to take care of the baby, and I think he needs some help.”
The officer stared at me with an empty expression. “You have a pretty good gash on your forehead. It needs to be looked at.”
Over his shoulder, I saw the paramedics lift Ian into the ambulance. With Beck in tow, I ran past the officer and toward Ian.
“Wait. We’re coming!” I shouted when an officer’s hand stopped me.
“Ms. McKinley, you will ride in a different ambulance.”
“No! No! I’m riding with my husband.”
“No ma’am. The senator has requested that he ride alone for media purposes.”
Of course she did. “I’m his wife. I have every right to ride with him.”
Suddenly the sirens screamed out, lights flickered across the dark night, and Ian was being taken away. My blood simmered as well as tears.
“We would like to take the baby separately so he can be examined,” the gentleman said, reaching for the car seat handle.
Immediately, I back stepped away from him, feeling lightheaded… disoriented. “No. No one is touching my baby.”
He held up both hands. “OK. That’s fine. We can all ride together.”
Come to think of it, I had no idea where my phone was or Ian’s phone. I needed to call someone. I needed help.
“Ma’am?” he raised his brows and extended his hand toward the ambulance.
I nodded only once and kept Beck close.
The back of the ambulance was bright, and I squinted as we sat.
“Ms. McKinley. The infant will have to sit in a carrier,” the driver from up front said.
“No. He’s not leaving my side.” Paranoia settled in.
“That’s fine,” a different medic said. “We will secure him back here.”
When I felt the prick of the needle in my hand, I glanced away from Beck.
“Why am I getting an IV?”
The man continued his work with a serious face. “You have a pretty decent gash on your head. It’s standard practice in an ambulance.”
The other medic lifted Beck’s arms and was giving him a look over. His father’s blue eyes watched the man as Beck continued with his pacifier. My brown skinned boy with blue eyes…
After I rested my head on the gurney, looking up at the bright lights, I closed my eyes, saying a silent prayer for Ian. For all of us.
***
The blood pressure cuff tightened around my arm, pulling me from a foggy stupor. The lids of my eyes weighed a ton. I fought to open them…to keep them open. The beep, then immediate release of the cuff, shot my eyes wide again, long enough to see the bassinet next to the bed. Beck. My head swam with the movement. His little body, swaddled up, rested peacefully. My hand stretched over the clear barrier, the IV cord barely allowing the reach. My fingers brushed over his forehead before my eyelids slammed down once again.
The overwhelming odor of antiseptic wafted up my nose as I shook my head from side to side trying to escape the sterile smell. A siren somewhere in the distance howled for me to wake up. Suddenly, darkness overwhelmed me. I sat behind a deflated air bag with blood streaming down my face staring at the shattered windshield. Ian’s face flashed before my eyes as his body slipped eerily through the shards of glass. An unnatural, hiccupped gasp ripped up my throat as I shot upright.
The light in the white room was muted. The clock on the wall read 2:50. By the looks of the window, it was dark outside. My head snapped to where Beck had been sleeping earlier. Ian! The accident. Beck… he wasn’t there. I threw back the covers and slid my feet to the ground. The IV tangled around my arm, and with one solid tug I jerked it clean out of my hand. Flicking off the stinging feeling, my bare feet padded across the floor to the cracked door. My pulse painfully throbbed in my temple.
“Mrs. McKinley,” a nurse exclaimed from across the hall, scurrying around the counter.
“Where’s Beck? Ian?” My voice didn’t sound like my own. The nurse seemed confused. My Columbian accent wasn’t that strong. “Where are they?” I slowly asked.
“Ma’am. Please let’s get you back to bed.”
Tears swelled in my eyes. “Look at me,” I threatened, grabbing her shoulders. “You don’t understand. My son. I need to know where he is.”
A comforting smile broke over her face as she guided me back to the room. “It’s ok. Senator McKinley has him,” she assured me as if that was fucking ok.
My body froze. “Is she with Ian?” That was the only damn way I’d be ok with it.
A puzzled look flitted over the nurse’s face, then she shook her head. “No, ma’am.”
Instantly, I spun on my heels to find Beck, myself. With every step I took, I could feel the blood dripping from my hand from where the IV used to be. Not massive amounts, but leaving a trail of small droplets. A wave of dizziness engulfed me, and I clung momentarily to the wall.
“Mrs. McKinley, please. I will get Beck for you.”
I spun around with my finger in her face. “Where is Ian’s room?”
The poor nurse’s face crumbled. Obviously I wasn’t supposed to know where his room was. I’m sure Senator Bitch’s order.
“I’ll get Beck here. Please just return to your room.”
Suddenly, my body felt exhausted as if she’d injected me with something, but I didn’t think she had.
“Please don’t let them take my baby.”
“Miss. No one wants to take your baby. They are just caring for him while you’re resting. I’ll get him here. Promise.”
Once I crawled back onto the bed, she examined my hand, holding a gauze pad over the bloody puncture.
“Are you putting the IV back in?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I don’t think there is a need. You’re awake and will likely be released today.”
“Ian?” I asked her. “How bad was he injured?”
She cast a glance toward the door, then shook her head. “Mrs. McKinley, your husband was brought to the ER in critical condition.”
“No. No. No. No. No.” Critical? I shook my already aching head. “No!” Tears nipped at my eyes. Ian was my…everything. Ian! “Where is he?” I couldn’t breathe. I clawed at the suffocating hospital gown trying to pull it away from my chest. “Ian!” I screamed. He’d come if he knew I needed him. “Ian!”
“Marcy. Page Dr. Trebeck. We need sedation orders.” The nurse shook my shoulders. “Mrs. McKinley, please calm down.”
I knew the nurse was speaking, yet I could only see past her into the hallway.
“Ian!”
Two other nurses came through the door. I wondered if they’d been with him. Another nurse came through. She might know something. One of the four of them should know something. Anything!
“We have a milligram of Ativan. Where the hell is her IV?”
“She pulled it out. Do intramuscular.”
“Did you tell her about Dr. McKinley?”
My eyes shot up to the new nurse. Tell me what? I frantically reached for her scrubs to grab her…to get her attention. The prick of pain detoured me only for a second.
“Wait, tell me…” By the time my words came out, I’d lost the ability to speak. My body betrayed me as it sunk into the mattress. Please tell me. All of me dissolved into nothing.
The nurse from earlier leaned close to me. “Mrs. McKinley. When you wake up, your son will be here. I promise.”
My words were lost as my mind and body melted into the bed. Her round, sincere blue eyes were the last things I saw as my eyes lost their fight and closed.
Beck’s cry brought my eyes slowly open. The familiar stinging in my breasts as the milk let down brought me upright. My chest felt heavy—engorged. Beck needed fed. I needed release.
Once my eyes were open, I focused on the figure sitting directly in front of me in a chair holding Beck. She slid a bottle in his mouth. A bottle! Instantly, I was hot. Overcome with anger, hatred.
“What?” I cleared my throat. My eyes didn’t properly focus on the person. “What are you feeding him?”
“Formula,” she said icily. I recognized the voice instantly. “Ian was formula fed. Breast milk is very overrated.”
“Give him to me, please.” My pulse vibrated so forcefully throughout my body I felt lightheaded.
The senator hugged Beck tighter to her body.
“You know Maylay.”
“Me-la,” I corrected with gritted teeth and glared at her.
“When babies are taken from their mothers in the first few months of life, they truly have no recollection of their mother but only the person who fills her shoes. It’s odd how that works.”
The hair on my neck stood as my fists clenched the sheets. There was no way in hell she was getting near my baby. Ian would understand. He would never let it happen.
“Give me my son, or I will call the police.”
Standing in her pressed wool suit, she set the bottle on the windowsill. Beck began to fuss immediately. The minute she was within close enough proximity, I clutched my baby and pulled him to me. My entire body relaxed with a sigh. As my eyes scanned over him, he seemed unharmed. Without thinking, I slid him beneath my shirt to feed him. When he began suckling, I released a deep breath.
Keeping a vigilant eye on her, I watched as she gathered her purse and cell phone.
“I will take from you what you have taken from me,” she snapped coldly.
“I don’t want anything from you. Nothing.”
The emptiness in her eyes settled on me causing my skin to crawl. At first I thought she was staring at me, but she stared eerily past me.
“Ian is dead. You killed him. You can’t do it alone. Beck needs to be with us and…”
Her paralyzing words floated over me like a gentle mist. It took a minute for them to soak in, but as they did, a severe pain ripped through my chest. A guttural moan tore up my throat as I watched the door close behind her. The door to my life had closed on me once again. For a moment I was frozen in time, hanging onto her words…but then her final words hit me…Beck would be hers.
Chapter 2
MELA
Life goes on but the scars remain.(Lil Wayne)
My purse and cell phone were in the storage unit across from the bed. Once Beck finished nursing, I laid him on the bed and grabbed my things. I hadn’t talked to my sister in nearly three years. I prayed her number hadn’t changed. My finger trembled over the call button, but a final look at Beck and I knew I had no other alternative.
“Mela? What the hell is wrong?” she answered on the second ring. Her raspy voice familiar after all this time.
Tears that already streaked my reddened face refreshed themselves. She was the only person I knew I could trust.
“Mela?”
“Ari,” I cried. “I need your help.”
“Where are you?”
“In the hospital. Ian’s dead. Can you come?”
“I’m on my way.”
After we hung up, a nurse walked in.
“Mrs. McKinley. You’re going to be discharged shortly, OK?”
I nodded as a waterfall of tears continued to fall.
“I’m sorry about your husband,” she whispered. “Would you like to speak with a chaplain?”
My eyes clenched tightly, unable to accept her consolation. All of me wanted to disappear again…just vanish…but when I gazed over at Beck, I knew why I was alive and what I was born to do.
***
Being back in the house felt wrong without Ian. Ari was due to arrive within the hour. I had already packed all of Beck’s things and had started on my things when the doorbell rang. I ran to the door, nervous with the anticipation of seeing her. When I opened the door, it wasn’t Ari standing there, but a man in a suit extending a stack of papers to me.
“Ms. McKinley. Consider yourself served.” The man turned and walked back to the black town car in the driveway.
Immediately, I slammed the door shut, tearing open the envelope.
Private Petition: Senator Eleanor McKinley vs Mela McKinley
Child in need of care petition re: Beck McKinley
The petitioner sets forth that the following is true: Beck McKinley is in need of care according to Colorado statute 36.04—one or both parents are either unable or unwilling to care for child and Co.sa 31.01—parent under the influence of illegal drug.
Mela McKinley is ordered to appear for a temporary custody hearing to present Beck McKinley to the Court…
The hearing was in two weeks. Fourteen days. I stopped reading, then dropped the papers. Literally, dropped them to the stone floor. I’d been home six hours from the hospital. My husband was still above ground. My baby, who was sound asleep in his crib, was in danger of being taken away. Suppressing the need to break down, I took a deep breath, trying to wrap my head around what was happening. The pounding on the front door startled me. This time, I cautiously
peeked out and saw Ari. The second I opened the door, her body slammed into mine. My twin. My older sister by a minute and a half. The other half of my soul. Yet, also the entire reason I had wanted to die just three years ago.
She pushed me back and looked at me.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” We hugged again.
“Where’s my nephew? I’d like to meet him.”
The tears were no longer held at bay. In fact, it was just the opposite. I collapsed to the floor in a weeping mess as her arms grabbed me like her life depended on it. In all actuality, mine did.
When I opened my eyes, I found a blanket draped over me where I lay in the middle of the floor. Ari held Beck, cooing with him in a chair, and I took a long minute just to watch her…to watch them. My heart swelled in my chest seeing the two of them. Aunt Ari, I smiled at the thought. Ian had never gotten to meet her, and immediately a weepy frown appeared.
How ironic was this situation? The sister I loved more than life, who I couldn’t stand to see or be around, but I needed desperately. I wasn’t sure if I could do this.
“So, I’ve got a plan,” she said softly. “The bitch is a senator. Could she have this place wired or anything?”
Wiping my face, I suspiciously glanced around the room. I’d never once thought about this place being tapped. “No. There is no way. When she was here, she never knew anything about what was going on.”
“OK.” She inhaled the deepest of breaths. “I know my lifestyle has hurt you. I know that I’ve done things, and people have thought that it was you. I know I haven’t helped that situation.”
“Ari. People think that I fucked people my entire life. You’re not just a porn star. You are THE porn star. There are sex toys made after you. And…”
“I know, Mela. And I know I blew your chance at singing because of that. I know the things I did affected you. I know you were…I’m sorry.”
She stopped shy of saying it. The anger...the hurt was so raw.
“Seeing this beautiful creature…” she whispered, staring down at Beck. “I never want him hurt because of me.” She rested Beck’s little body up against her breast, his head on her shoulder. “Me,” she began again.
Scars and Tats Page 2
