“Nah,” he replied. “You’re just saying that.”
“No, she isn’t,” Tori said. “I can’t believe that’s your first one.”
Dion shrugged as he threw an M&M into his mouth. “Took me a long time, though.”
“As long as it’s good, what does it matter?” I asked.
“But, Dion, what are you angry about?” Tori said.
My stomach felt funny all of a sudden. She shouldn’t have asked that. If Dion had wanted to tell us, he would have told us. It wasn’t right to ask him to explain why he’d written the haiku in the first place. It could have been really personal. Maybe even too personal to share. Should I say something? Would Pippi say something?
My brain whispered, You spoke up to those two awful boys, which means you can speak up right here with your best friend.
I swallowed hard before I said, “You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to. It’s okay. We’ll understand. Right, Tori?”
Tori replied, “Well, sure, but maybe he wants to tell us about it.”
“I get mad that people call me names,” Dion said. “That people can’t see past the color of my skin. That some people at this school pick on others all the time and don’t ever get caught.” He paused. “That’s about most of it, I guess.”
“That’s more than enough,” I said.
“No kidding,” Tori said.
Just then, a girl walked into the library and looked around. I recognized her from my social studies class. When she spotted me, she came over to where we were sitting.
She waved the paper around and said, “Hazel, I just wanted to say, I’m really glad you’re doing this. I’m going to be there, and I’ll bring a couple of friends, okay?”
Tori gave me a funny look. “Going to be where?”
Right then, I wanted to be a tortoise more than a human or an elephant or anything. Because all I wanted to do was tuck myself inside a shell and stay there for a very, very long time.
I looked at the girl and back at Tori and at the girl again. I tried my best to smile. “Glad you can come! Thanks for letting me know.”
“No problem,” she said. “See you Friday.”
After she left, Tori said, “Hazel, are you going to tell me what’s going on or not?”
I cleared my throat nervously. “I, um, want to get to know some other people at school better. That’s all.”
The look on her face told me she wasn’t buying it. “But why didn’t you invite me?”
“Because … I forgot?”
She shook her head. “I don’t believe you. You didn’t want me to come for some reason. What, are you embarrassed? Embarrassed to be seen with your friend who loves to do stupid karaoke? Or maybe you want the popular girls all to yourself.”
“Tori, are you kidding? Does that sound like me?”
She stood up and picked up her hot lunch tray. “Something’s going on with you. I don’t know what it is, but I thought we told each other everything.” Her bottom lip started to quiver. When she spoke, her voice was soft and shaky. “I’ve tried so hard to help you lately, Hazel. I thought we were best friends.”
“Tori, we are! I’m sorry, I—”
But she didn’t stay to hear what I might have to say. Which was for the best because I probably would have just messed things up even more.
I put my head in my hands while Dion said, “Uh-oh,” like he was the one who’d just gotten caught in a big, fat lie.
“It’s okay, Hazel,” he said after we were quiet for a long time. “She’s just upset right now. She won’t stay that way forever.”
I raised my head and looked at him. “I’m a horrible person.”
“No. No, you’re not.”
“Why did I think I’d be able to keep it a secret? What was I thinking?”
“Anything I can do?” Dion asked.
“Unless you have magical powers that will rewind time, I don’t think so.”
“It’s gonna be okay. Just give her some time. And then …”
“And then what?”
“Uh …” He squinted his eyes like he was thinking hard. But I think he was probably just afraid to say it. Afraid it’d freak me out because it was the exact thing I’d been trying to avoid.
“It’s fine,” I said. “You don’t have to tell me. I already know.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I need to give her some time, and then I’m gonna have to tell her the truth. About the notebook.”
He picked up a pencil and a piece of paper and started writing. I tried to eat more of my lunch, but I wasn’t hungry anymore. When he’d finished, he pushed the paper over for me to read.
A good friend likes you
even when you make mistakes.
We all make mistakes.
It was a very sweet thing to do. Like, just reading that made me feel a tiny bit better. “Thanks,” I told him. “I hope it’s true.”
“It is,” Dion said. “I really think it is.”
“So, how much time, exactly?”
“I dunno. Couple of days, maybe?”
I sighed. “I want to text her right now.”
“Here, let me give you my number. Text me instead.”
We exchanged numbers and then it was time to go. “Dion?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for being a good person.”
He smiled. “Takes one to know one.”
When we walked out into the hall, I spotted Tori talking to some friends from our soccer team. She glanced at me but turned back really fast, like even making eye contact with me made her sick.
If so, we had that in common, because I definitely felt sick.
Tori has always been the person I could count on. No matter what.
There was the time I invited her to the beach with my parents and me. Tori and I both had kites, but mine broke. “Here, take mine,” she’d said. “I like watching it fly just as much as flying it.”
Or the time in fourth grade when our teacher told us that participating in the science fair wasn’t optional but required, and I couldn’t think of anything that hadn’t been done already. Tori came up with an awesome idea, though: to try a bunch of different kinds of bubble gums and see which one made the biggest bubble. We had to work together, so one person could blow the bubble and the other person could measure it.
I couldn’t help but think how incredible it was that she’d turned something I didn’t want to do into something so fun, I didn’t want the experiment to end.
Then there was the time I missed a whole week of school because I had the flu. Not only did she bring me my homework, but she also brought me a big container of chicken noodle soup that she’d helped make. It was the best chicken soup I’ve ever had.
In elementary school, I’d watched quite a few friendships end between girls, and I’d always wondered what had happened that was so bad—while at the same time feeling super thankful that I’d always have Tori. I was so sure nothing would ever happen to us.
And yet, here we were. And it was all my fault.
When I got home from school, Mom and Dad were both at work. Mom usually gets the early shift so she’s home in the afternoons, but once in a while they ask her to work later.
I found a note on the counter.
Hi Hazel,
Please unload the dishwasher after you have a snack. I’ll be home in time for dinner. Call Dad if you need anything!
Love you,
Mom
As I put the dishes away, my heart missed Pip and Tori so much I wanted to cry, and I thought about how to tell Tori the truth about everything. Today was Tuesday. Tomorrow and Thursday, we’d have soccer practice after school. And Friday was the party. It seemed like I was going to have to talk to her at school, which was going to be horrible. Where could we go so that people wouldn’t overhear us? And even if I did find a place, would Tori even agree to listen to what I had to say?
Maybe I couldn’t wait after all, like Dion had suggested. Maybe I ne
eded to do it now. Like, right now.
If I surprised her and showed up at her house, she couldn’t just slam the door in my face. Could she? No, she wouldn’t do that. I knew Tori better than almost anyone, and even if I hadn’t seen her angry that often, I knew she would at least hear me out. For a little while, anyway.
One of Tori’s favorite things in the whole world is Swedish Fish. So before I headed to the garage to get my bike, I grabbed some money from the drawer where Mom keeps emergency takeout cash.
I rode a few blocks to the Plaid Pantry and parked my bike. I couldn’t believe my luck. My very bad luck. Just as I was walking in, Aaron and Preston walked out.
Preston glared at me as he said, “Are you following us, Hazel? Do you like us so much that you miss us when we’re gone?”
“No,” I said firmly. “Leave me alone.”
I walked through the doors and into the store. Once inside, I went to the candy aisle and smiled. Last time, I’d managed to get out two words. This time, four words!
It felt like I was sticking my neck out a little more each time. Moving forward, like Mom had said. I just hoped I could keep going.
I paid for the Swedish Fish and then hopped on my bike and rode to Tori’s house.
But what I hadn’t thought about, what I hadn’t prepared for, was what to do if Ben answered the door. And that’s exactly what happened.
“Hi,” I said. “Can I talk to Tori, please?”
He stepped onto the porch and shut the door behind him.
“Where is it?” he hissed. “I want it back. Right now.”
“Ben, I … I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re lying. You took it. You had no right to do that. It belongs to me. Do you know I could go to the police and file a report? I could charge you with theft.”
Just then, the door opened and Tori appeared.
“Ben?” Tori said. “What’s going on?”
He stepped aside to make room for all three of us. “Well, Hazel borrowed my protractor at school and I, uh, need it back. So I was just telling her to bring it to me tomorrow.” He turned to me. “Like, you can’t forget. You understand? It’s important.”
I nodded.
“Good,” he said with a smug smile. “I’m glad we got that straight. See you girls later.”
He went back inside and left the two of us standing there.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
I handed her the Swedish Fish. “There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but I only have one best friend. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the party. I have a good reason, though, and I want to tell you about it. If you’ll let me.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay. I’m listening.”
I reached behind her and shut the door so we were alone on the porch. The last thing I needed was for Ben to overhear our conversation.
“I found a notebook. It’s filled with girls’ names from our school along with ratings and comments about their looks. Know what they said about me? ‘Literally the worst’ and ‘uuuugly.’ It’s pages and pages of stuff like that. Well, unless you’re gorgeous, then they carry on like the only reason girls are put on this earth is for boys to drool over you.”
“That’s … disgusting,” she said. “Am I in there?”
I shook my head. “No. But lots of other girls are. And that’s why I’m having girls over to my house on Friday. We need to figure out what to do about it. Not just that, but about the jerk problem at school and the stupid dress code. It’s all connected, you know? Things have to change, and I want to do something.”
“So do I,” Tori said. “You should know that. Even if I’m not in the notebook, why wouldn’t you invite me? And why didn’t you show me the notebook when you found it? Why’d you keep it to yourself?”
I grabbed on to the railing that went around her front porch. This was going to be the hard part. The part I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to tell her the rest. But I had to. There was no way out.
“Because I found it here,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “At your house.”
She gave me a funny look. “Here? I don’t understand. That doesn’t make sense.”
“Ben had it,” I explained. “But now I have it.”
She stared at me for a moment before she said, “No. I don’t believe you. Ben wouldn’t do that.”
“It’s true, Tori. I swear.”
I thought she might cry. Or yell for Ben and demand an explanation. Or pound the door with her fists out of anger. But she didn’t do any of that.
Instead, she turned around, went back inside her house, and left me standing there. Alone.
When I got home, I texted Dion.
Me: I told her. About the notebook and her brother. She’s really mad.
Him: Uh oh. Probably should have let her cool off.
Me: I thought now would be better.
Him: Maybe she’ll ask Ben about it.
Me: What if he lies?
Him: You show it to her. You got proof.
Me: I feel like I’ve lost her forever.
Him: It’ll be ok. Maybe you should write her a haiku. Win her over with your beautiful words. Or something.
Me: Why did I even have to find that notebook? I’m not the right person for this.
Him: Bet you every single person who has done something big in their lives to help other people thought the exact same thing. You can do it, Hazel. Who you gonna pretend to be?
Me: Pippi Longstocking, like I told you.
Him: It sounds like a brand of socks. A bizarre brand of socks.
Me: Nope. She’s a character from a book. So just call me Pippi from now on.
Him: Um, do I have to?
Me: No. JK. See you tomorrow.
Him: Ok.
When Mom got home a little while later, I was sitting at the table eating a slice of banana bread with peanut butter spread on it.
“You okay, honey?” she asked as she hung her purse on the back of one of the chairs. “You look like you’ve lost something very dear.”
“I think that’s exactly what’s happened,” I told her.
She sat down across from me. “What is it? What’s going on?”
The thing was, I’d done everything I could think of to help myself and the other girls at school. But with Ben’s threats and Tori not speaking to me, it felt like my attempts to stay afloat weren’t working. Like I’d been clinging to a raft for hours or even days and my arms couldn’t hold on much longer. It seemed like it was time to get help or drown.
And so, I told her. I told her everything. I told her about finding the notebook, then trying to get it from Ben at school and failing, and eventually, stealing it from Ben’s bedroom. And how he’d threatened to go to the police if I don’t give it back to him. I told her the real reason for the party on Friday and why I hadn’t invited Tori and that she’d found out and was really angry with me.
After I finished, Mom sat there with her hands folded on the table, looking at her fingernails like they were going to start talking to her any moment. Finally, she said, “That notebook is a horrible thing. And I’m sorry you stumbled upon it. But stealing is wrong, sweetheart.”
I nodded. “I know. So do you think I should … ?” It hurt to even say it. “Do you think I should give the notebook back?”
“I think what we need to do is talk to Ben and his moms. We need to just put everything out on the table, so to speak. They need to know so they can figure out what to do about it.”
“He’s going to be so mad at me,” I whispered.
“But he’s already mad, right? Besides, that’s not a good reason to not act. Sometimes we have to—”
I knew what she was going to say. “Stick our necks out?”
She smiled. “Exactly. In the long run, this will help Ben. It really will.”
“What about my girl power party?” I asked.
“You can still have it. I think it�
��ll be good for you girls to get together and talk about things. It’s pretty worrisome that you have some boys at your school who don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about girls like that.” She paused. “You were right to be alarmed. That kind of culture is called toxic masculinity, and it can lead to even worse behavior down the road.”
“Behavior that makes you feel like you have to tell me to stay safe and be alert all the time?”
She frowned as she nodded. “Exactly.”
“So, will you call Alice and Jeanie and set up a time for us to talk, or do I have to do it? Because I’m not sure what to say, really.”
“I can do it,” She pulled out her phone from the back pocket of her black work pants. “In fact, there’s no time like the present.”
Thursday night, after soccer practice, Mom, Jeanie, Alice, Ben, and I sat at their dining room table. Jeanie and Alice had asked that Tori stay in her room while we talked. Maybe they’d thought it would be even harder for me to share what had happened with her sitting there. Or maybe they’d wanted to keep it to as few people as possible for Ben’s sake. The more eyes on him, the harder it’d be, probably. Whatever the reason, I was sort of glad for it. One less thing for me to worry about. I hoped with my whole heart that Tori and I would make up soon, but in the meantime, I was on a mission—a mission to fix what was wrong at our school. I had no idea if the girls and I could figure out what to do on Friday, but we were going to try, and maybe that’s all that mattered.
I took a sip of the ice water Alice had gotten for all of us. There was also a plate of snickerdoodles in the middle of the table for us to share, but I was too nervous to eat. I’d hardly eaten anything all day. All I wanted was for this to be over.
“Thank you for meeting with us,” Mom said. “I just thought the best thing to do was to sit down and talk about what’s happened and figure out where we go from here.”
“Of course,” Jeanie said. “Though we’re completely in the dark, just so you know. If Ben knows what this is about, he hasn’t said anything to us.”
As nervous as I was, it probably wasn’t even close to how Ben felt. He looked as white as a ghost.
“Hazel, can you tell them what you found, please?” Mom asked.
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