by Natalie Dean
The train pulled to a stop in the train station, and she clutched the bag even tighter as she slowly rose from her seat. Her palms were sweaty, and she felt a knot in her stomach, but she forced herself to continue to put one foot in front of the other as she made her way to the front of the train. Only a few of the other passengers were getting off the train, but since Clara managed to be the first to the door, she didn’t have time to stop before they were pushing her down toward the platform.
She apologized profusely as she pushed her way through the crowd. She didn’t mean to tread on anyone’s toes, but with the hustle and bustle of the platform, she couldn’t help it. Suddenly, she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Excuse me, but are you Miss Swanson?” the man asked.
“Yes…” Clara confirmed who she was before she had fully turned, and as soon as she saw him her words caught in her throat. She hadn’t known what to expect from Noah Young, but she certainly hadn’t expected who was standing next to her. The man was tall – taller than Cody had been.
He was incredibly handsome, though handsome in a different way than Cody. He had soft features and dark, overgrown hair. His hair was combed back and hung down the back of his neck beneath his hat, and his blue eyes were so piercing, they almost seemed to look right through her.
“Mr. Young?” she gasped, trying to find her voice. He smiled a charming smile, and in spite of the pain she was feeling, it melted her heart. He offered her his arm, and she put her hand in the crook of his elbow.
“I wasn’t sure if you would want to get hitched right off. Though I sort of hope that you will. I fully understand if you don’t, you can take all the time you need. It’s just that the preacher isn’t always around, and it can be hard to say when he’s going to return to be perfectly honest,” he looked at her with concern in his eyes, and she smiled. There was another stab of pain in her heart when he brought up the topic of marriage. But, she had come out West to be married, and she knew it was coming sooner or later. She couldn’t drag it out – it wouldn’t be fair to him.
“Alright, let’s get hitched. We may as well while the preacher is in town, or who knows when we’re going to get the chance again?” she said with a laugh. She hoped her laugh didn’t sound as hollow as she felt, but either way, Noah didn’t seem to notice. He gave her another smile and reached across his chest to pat her hand in the crook of his arm.
“How rude of me!” he said suddenly, then offered to take her bag. At first, Clara wanted to decline, but she forced herself to hand it over. After all, if she was to be this man’s wife, she was going to have to learn how to be married to him. With Cody, it had all come so naturally. She had known from the day she said her vows that she wanted to be in his life, and nothing had ever felt forced between them.
But with Noah, she felt everything she said was strained. He was doing his best to chat with her as they walked, but she found her mind kept drifting. She felt strange walking with this man to their wedding, especially since they had only just met. She didn’t love him, and she had secretly promised herself she never would. She couldn’t. To do so would be a betrayal to Cody.
If he knew what she had done, she could only imagine how terrible he would feel. To be marrying another man so shortly after his death, as though he were nothing to her – it was unthinkable. But, she couldn’t have stayed in Buffalo, if she had, it wouldn’t have been long before she was in the ground next to him – and though Clara didn’t entirely hate that idea, she couldn’t let John win. She couldn’t let him take the inheritance that was due to them – especially after he murdered them to get it.
Clara glanced down toward the bag that was in Noah’s hand. He was casually swinging it back and forth as they walked, as though he didn’t have a care in the world. She wondered what he would say if he knew that there were several hundred dollars in his hand at that moment and if he would treat her differently if he did.
“Does that sound alright to you?” he asked suddenly, and she realized that he had spoken to her. Clara was quick to respond, though she wasn’t entirely certain what it was that he had said.
“I’m sorry, I’m tired – I’m certain all your plans are perfectly suited to me, you’ve seemed to put a lot of thought and effort into this,” she said with a kind smile. He looked down at her with concern in his eyes, as though he wasn’t certain if she really was paying attention to him as much as she would have liked him to think. He smiled a warm smile, doing his best to be understanding of her position.
“Of course, I expect you to be completely exhausted! Let’s hurry through the formalities and get you home, you will have the room to yourself, of course. I’m going to take the barn until you are fully settled in and comfortable, and I assure you there is no pressure or any need to rush on that. I want you to be happy in your new home, though I am certain it is going to be quite different than what you are used to,” he spoke with compassion, and for a brief moment, Clara wondered if he could somehow know something about her past.
Dismissing the thought as ludicrous, she clutched his arm with a renewed enthusiasm.
“Of course, that sounds delightful, thank you,” she said sweetly. She could see his face relax, and she was grateful.
But inside, everything screamed in pain.
A Chanced Meeting
“I was going into town to pick up a few things from the general store,” Clara said as she picked up her basket. Noah was sitting at the table reading a paper, and he glanced up.
“Do you want a ride?” he asked, and she shook her head.
“I can manage. I think the fresh air will do me some good,” Clara said with a smile. Noah nodded, though she could see some disappointment in his eyes. She finished getting her things together and began the journey, grateful for a few minutes alone in spite of the feeling of guilt that stabbed her heart.
She had been living with Noah for three weeks, and she could see how much he desperately wanted to get to know her. But, it was also evident that he didn’t know how. She was quiet and reserved, and though she wanted to open up to him about the things she enjoyed doing, she felt her spirit shrink within herself every time they talked about anything that remotely reminded her of home.
Noah Young was a farmer, and he was good at it. He was right - it was quite a different lifestyle than what she was used to, and she did her best to help him where she could. But, it was painfully evident that she didn’t know what she was doing, and though he was patient with her and showed her how to do the chores, he couldn’t help but ask her about her past.
The problem was, she hadn’t told him that she had been married before, nor had she told him that she had left Buffalo fearing for her life. For all he knew, she was just another young girl who was desperate to make a change in her life and had chosen to come out West to make that change happen.
Now that she had a few minutes alone, Clara allowed the tears to run down her cheeks; she missed Cody desperately, and couldn’t shake the guilt she felt for marrying someone else. At the same time, she was feeling guilty over marrying this perfectly kind gentleman that she had no intention of ever loving. At first, she hadn’t thought that it would be difficult, as it was clear this man wasn’t too picky about who he wanted to marry. But, the time they had spent together proved that he was developing feelings for her, and quickly.
Clara hurried up the steps into the general store, doing her best to avoid eye contact with everyone. She kept her eyes on the floor in front of her as she walked over to a barrel of apples. Noah had a few apple trees on his land, but they were young, and hadn’t yet produced like they should in a few years. So, Clara took her time looking through the apples that were on display, trying to find a few to take home.
“My Dear! Are you alright?” Clara looked up in surprise at the sound of a woman’s voice. To her surprise, two women were standing next to the apple barrel, and both of them were looking at her with the gravest concern written in their eyes.
She cleared her thro
at. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, Honey, I know it can be hard to open up to strangers, but I can tell you, you are not fine. Not many girls have tears in their eyes as they pick out apples, now tell me what’s ailing you,” the woman said as she put her hand on Clara’s arm and smiled compassionately.
“I- It’s just that – I’m not supposed to be here,” Clara said as her voice cracked. The women exchanged a glance then looked back at her.
“I’m a mail order bride, you see. I’m from Buffalo, New York, and came out here to marry a man I know I can never love,” she could barely get the words out, and again the women exchanged a glance. Now that she had the chance to get it out, it felt good.
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
“Because my husband was killed – that’s why I came out here. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was desperate. Now I’m married to a man who thinks the world of me, but he doesn’t know much about me, and I feel like I completely betrayed my deceased husband!” Clara kept her voice in a hushed tone, but she covered her face with her hands and sobbed.
“My Darling! Don’t you feel that way, I did the same thing myself, and so did Mrs. Miller here,” the woman put her hands around Clara’s shoulders, and Clara looked up in surprise. The woman smiled and spoke again.
“My name is Mrs. Cowell – Barbara Cowell, and this here is Mrs. Bess Miller. We both came out here under similar circumstances as you,” she spoke with compassion in her voice and gave Clara a light squeeze. Clara looked from one to the other incredulously, and Bess nodded.
“When I came out here, I was being chased by a mob that had killed my husband in cold blood. I thought I’d never love the man I married, I just needed to get away from them – to get out of town. But, I don’t know, I really can’t explain it – love just crept upon us,” she smiled warmly, and Barbara spoke up.
“Remember, Dear, there is nothing that is going to ease the pain you are feeling right now – in fact, it might get worse before it gets better, but I assure you, it will get better. If this is a good man that you married, and he treats you right, you very well may fall in love with him,” she smiled, but Clara shook her head.
“It still feels like a betrayal,” she said, tears still running down her cheeks. Both Bess and Barbara nodded in understanding, but Barbara spoke once more.
“God is in control of everything, and he never lets anything happen without reason. I know it’s hard to understand, and it’s even harder to accept, but He allowed you to face the tragedy you are facing because He has a bigger plan. Trust Him, and lean on Him during this dark time, and you are going to pull through, I promise.”
Clara took a couple of deep breaths, then looked from one face to the other. She forced a weak smile, grateful to these two women for reminding her of what she knew deep down inside, but struggled with remembering. At last, she spoke, “I’m Clara Swanson. Well, I guess I’m Clara Young now. I married Noah Young – the farmer?”
Bess and Barbara shared a look and both smiled.
“I don’t know him well, but I do know that Mr. Young is a wonderful young man. I’d never suggest that anyone could be a replacement for your husband, but I assure you, he will treat you right, and he could make you very happy,” Barbara said. Clara smiled. She could now feel her stomach twisting and turning inside her, and she felt torn.
She knew neither of the women was suggesting that she ought to forget about Cody, or even that she should push herself into loving Noah, but it was clear that they were supportive of the marriage, and they felt healing would come. She grabbed a couple of the apples and placed them in her basket, then looked up at the women once more.
“Thank you both for your kindness, your words have really helped me to feel better about things,” Clara said softly. They both smiled and reached forward, taking her hand in each of theirs.
“Well, this isn’t a large town, I’m sure we’ll be seeing you around,” Bess said with a smile. Clara smiled once more then turned to go. She quickly paid for her items then hurried out of the general store, feeling the need to be alone with her thoughts once more. But, she couldn’t get the two women out of her mind. It would be wonderful to have a few lady friends.
Falling In Love
Clara didn’t know what to do when she woke the next morning. She hadn’t told Noah that she had met Bess or Barbara, though she felt he would be happy for her if she made new friends. He encouraged her to settle into the area and to make herself at home as much as possible. She always smiled and thanked him for his suggestions, but it was rare for her to actually follow through with anything that he said.
But, as she lay in her bed and stared at the ceiling above her, she couldn’t help but think about what Bess and Barbara had said to her. Part of her felt that it would be a betrayal to allow herself to fall in love with Noah, but another part of her felt relieved, almost as though they had given her permission to do something that she had wanted to do all along.
It had been two months since her husband’s death, and though she was far from ready to move on, she was beginning to feel less pain, and she didn’t know what to do with her new feelings of acceptance. If Clara had remained an unwed widow, she didn’t know if she would have been in much of a hurry to find someone else, but since she was already married, she didn’t think there was anything wrong with her falling in love with her new husband.
Love felt like such a strong word, and she shied away from it every time it came into her mind. Perhaps she wouldn’t allow herself to love Noah, perhaps she would instead focus on being a companion. After all, it was good to have someone to share breakfast with in the morning or to know that she wasn’t cooking dinner for her and her alone.
She felt the sting of going to bed alone, and she wondered if she would ever get over the loneliness of waking in the night to find that Cody wasn’t lying next to her.
Clara finally pulled herself out of bed. She got dressed quickly and pulled her hair up into a bun. She no longer braided it as she had when she was married to Cody – there was something in her heart that wouldn’t allow her to do things the same way any longer. She was grateful when Noah told her that he liked her hairstyle, and she promised she would do it that way often.
Though she tried to deny it within herself, she knew Noah’s feelings were growing stronger for her by the day. It was clear in the way that he looked at her, and even more evident in the way he treated her. He was always looking for ways to make sure she was at least comfortable, though she knew he was truly trying to make her happy.
Clara whipped up a batch of pancakes and quickly heated the griddle on the cook stove. Noah liked pancakes, and though she did know how to make a variety of dishes, she wanted to make him something that he liked. Not only was she able to make him feel good and happy by doing so, but she could avoid making bacon and eggs – the dish that Cody lived for.
“Smells like heaven in here, and my Dear, you look like an angel,” Noah said when he walked in the door. As he was sleeping in the barn, he took care of the early morning chores before coming in for breakfast. Of course, he always went back outside after breakfast to tend to the other things he had to do in the day, but Clara did what she could to have breakfast ready and waiting for him when he came in the first time.
She smiled and blushed at his compliment, and paused for a moment as he kissed her on the side of her forehead.
“You are very sweet,” she said with a smile, and he brushed off the compliment she had given him in return.
“Not at all, just saying what I see,” he said with a wink. He sat down in his chair and heaped the pancakes high on his plate. Clara smiled to herself as he poured the syrup over the top of the stack and dug in. She had to admit, there was something about this man that she truly did find charming, and she no longer entirely regretted coming out West to marry him.
But, every time she thought about her growing feelings for him, there was always a thought that crept into her mind that made her feel guilty for on
e reason or another. At times, it was the thought of Cody – either a happy memory of when the two of them were married, or a sad memory of how he was ripped from her and she had been forced into the situation she now found herself in.
On the rare occasions that she wasn’t plagued with thoughts of Cody, she would think of the inheritance she had hidden in the small bag deep in the corner of her room. She wondered what Noah would say if he ever found out about it, and she wondered even more what he would say if he learned of the reason she had come to the West in the first place. For Clara, it was easy for her to hide the fact she had been married before, but it was far more difficult to hide that there was a man out there who had tried to kill her, and whom she had tried to turn into the authorities.
Of course, Clara felt that she was safe enough out in the West, after all, he would have no idea where to even begin looking for her, but at the same time, she didn’t know if he would try. After all, that was a lot of money, and she had had the audacity to slight him – two things she knew John Hanks wouldn’t allow to just pass by.
As Clara scooped her own pancakes onto her plate and took her seat, she gave Noah a charming smile. All the doubts and fears she felt from back in Buffalo seemed to fade when she was seated at the table with him, as though it were an entirely different life.
Clara settled into her seat and prepared her pancakes the way she liked them, all the while listening to what Noah had planned for the day. He was so easy to talk to, as though he didn’t have a care in the world. Clara nodded every once in a while, showing him that she was listening to what he was saying, though she was fighting an inner turmoil.
The longer he talked, the more she felt a twinge within her heart. She could sense she was beginning to have greater feelings for this man than she wanted to admit, and it scared her.
The Letter
