by Hubert Selby
And still the image of Maria falling insisted on assaulting him.
Moishe too was being haunted, haunted by memories he thought he had buried, and now reawakened like some creature from the past who had been in suspended animation for centuries, awakened in a new world, bringing its fear and venom to a world it didnt know existed when it laid down to sleep. He wants to know about the tattoo and I dont say, Its nothing, or its a joke, I talk about that train…O God help us, does he really need to know about that ride???? True, true, I dont know what he needs, or I need, or anyone needs O Werner, enough, enough. No philosophy. Or is it Moishe that ruminates and ponders???? Who knows? And what difference does it make? Im the one with the memories….Im the one with the pain….Im the one caught between Werner and Moishe…Im the one the boy talks to….And Im the one who sits and worries about a young schwartzer….Yes….Yes…it is true, Im the one who sees him as the grandson Ive never had because my son was killed in a land I had never heard of…fighting for a country he had only lived in for a few years….A haven…a land of hope…yes, hope. From the ashes of death…yes, literally, ashes of death, we come together, Gertrude, Karl-Heinz and me…we find each other after all those years…and ashes…and we cry with so much happiness after all those years of thinking each other is dead, our hearts so heavy with grief and death and simple dreams of a bowl of hot soup, never knowing if it is possible for the gates of hell to be burned and then we are together….O my God such joy. When first Im told they are alive Im afraid to believe, to hope and Gertrude had the same fears too and then we see each other…7 years, 3 months, 16 days…Im so skinny my bones are embarrassed, still after being liberated all that time, but we recognize each other and drown each other in tears of happiness and Karl-Heinz is staring at us not knowing who this man is hugging his mother or why we/re crying and we sit and eat together after such a long time, we sit and eat and laugh and cry….
And then they say we can go to America and we are so grateful again we cry and we leave behind the rubble, the pain, the hunger, the constant reminders of the screaming hideousness of the past and start over…yes, over…and then Vietnam and suddenly Gertrude and I are alone…as we once started…alone….We never heard of Vietnam. How can a place you never knew existed take the life of your son, your only child??? the land of hope…a new life, So whats with that tattoo Mush? Yes, whats that tattoo Moishe? Numbers, simple numbers…numbers that cant be erased, a bridge to the past that cant be destroyed…not the bridge, not the past Oooo, such madness—bending over for a moment and holding his head, staring at the floor between his feet then closing his eyes, his mind assaulted by the grotesque, overlapping images…then opening his eyes, blinking and sitting up and taking a deep breath…I went in Werner Schultz and I came out Moishe…but I came out. Thats good…I guess….
When Jesse told his mother that he had seen Bobby and he was alright she sat down and started rocking back and forth very gently….What he say?
That he be fine an you got no cause to worry.
She continued rocking back and forth, An I be fine an he shouldnt worry. Thats nice, we all be fine. No worries…no neverminds.
Jesse was still smiling, still feeling big…important.
He say when he comin home?
Uh uh. He worry about them spics. He be taken care a them firs he say.
She nodded as she rocked, He worry about the spics an I worry about him. Seems like there be nothin but worrin goin on—rocking, staring at a roach and ignoring it.
Seem so….He didnt know nothin about Maria. He thought they jus beat up on him an—She suddenly raised her head and looked at Jesse, They hurt my boy?
Jesse stood taller, stuck his chest out, He be fine. Aint no spics hurtin Bobby. They givem a few licks with a chain, but he jus fine.
She seemed to suddenly become aware of her two young ones yelling and crying, Now what you be fussin about? All the time cryin and screamin a body cant get no res you just all the time be wantin somethin with yellin—Jesse edging out of the room, knowing the conversation was over and anyway, he delivered the message and werent no more to be tellin but if she wanted to talk more she know where he be—Yuall jus be swollowin me up alive—rocking faster and harder, her young daughter toddling into the room, Mommy, mommy, Billys crying—yanking her leg—Billys crying—and she slapped at the hand as if it were a fly and continued rocking—He be fine—No he not, he cryin—Go way chile, goddamn caint you see I be busy, Jesse stood in the doorway, smiling, then turned to run back to the street to tell his friends about his big brother an what he be goin to do to the spics what whipped his ass, and the mother continued to rock and rock until the sound of the crying was absorbed by the sounds coming from the rest of the apartment, the building and the street…and soon they were all absorbed by silence and she hugged herself, rocking back and forth, closing her eyes and soon she was peaceful and in time Billy was quiet and one of the kids peeked in the room and realized what was happening and went back to the other kids and reported that it be okay and they went back to their game and their laughing and giggling and yelling and slapping each others hands, unconsciously keeping an ear alert to their mothers voice, but for now all was peaceful and they were free and would make the most of it.
Bobby sat on the top step for a moment catching his breath. He felt as if he had been running for miles…no, even worse. His gut was knotted with the hollow pain of exhaustion, the muscles and bones in his legs painfully jellied. He tried to clear his head, but no matter what he did, no matter how often and hard he blinked or shook his head or tried taking a deep breath he couldnt seem to understand what had happened or how he felt or why he was panting because he knew he hadnt been running…or had he? and when he tried to take a deep breath the pain in his sides stopped him instantly. Now that he thought about it it seemed when he hit the deserted area he started trotting and maybe even running some…wasnt sure but it seemed that way so maybe that was why he was panting but it did seem like maybe his breathing was slowing down some, like maybe hed be able to get his ass up and start gettin to Mushie…but the cellar looked really dark and he wasnt sure he could find his way, even with the map and flashlight, yeah the flashlight, sheeit, bes not be forgettin the flashlight, damn near did forget that sucker, good thing that be poppin up in my mine or I/d never would be findin ol Mush…but that be one dark mutha down there, bes be takin it easy…Bobby suddenly looked around, carefully, studying the distant as well as the close shadows for any hint of movement, wanting to be absolutely certain no one saw him go down the stairs and not come up, not wantin anyone checkin him out an maybe findin Mushies pad…Sheeit, I dont know if I be findin it with a flashlight an map so how some poor ass gonna jus be findin it???? I bes be gettin on….
Bobby stood and looked around again, then descended the stairs. He reached for the flashlight and couldnt find it and started to panic, What the fuck be goin on, somebody be takin the mutha fucka, sheeit, mus be someone aroun here watchin me and waitin to jump my ass O damn that sonofabitch how the fuck they know the fucker be here an where the fuck—his hand touched the flashlight and he almost crumpled with relief, needing to lean against the damp, filthy wall for a moment, feeling the grime on his hand but not caring, just so filled with relief that he found the flashlight and there really wasnt someone waiting in the shadows to hitim side the head and take his clothes or maybe jus hitim cause they feelin like it….In time he stood away from the wall, waited until he stopped wobbling, then started walking very slowly.
He waited as long as possible before turning on the light, not wanting to take a chance on being seen from the street. He walked unthinkingly for a moment, just automatically making the first two turns, then stopped and realized he didnt know what he was doing and started to panic, turned around in a circle several times, almost totally disorienting himself, then he stopped and blinked against the terror and the darkness and the image of Maria falling that suddenly reappeared and assaulted his mind, and fought through the pain to take a
slow, deep breath like Mushie said, and reminded himself that he had been here before, that it was okay, that there werent nothin here that be gettinim and then he became aware of sounds that it seemed werent there before, but he forced himself to take the map from his pocket and look at it, then shined the light around, pushing back the darkness and the fear, and soon recognized a landmark on the map and waited for just a moment, thinking, remembering, then started off in the indicated direction, walking slowly, from time to time shining the light in as wide an arc as possible to push back the demons, then continuing, occasionally tripping over a piece of debris, a bottle cap that felt like a boulder and a threat to his life, trying to be careful where and how he placed his feet as if he were walking through a mine field, never knowing what his feet might discover…and he checked the map again and again, sometimes panicking as he didnt see a landmark clearly drawn on the map, but then somehow remembering what Moishe said about stopping and taking a slow, deep breath and relaxing, then looking again and there it would be, right where he had already looked, as if someone had suddenly put it there while he was taking the deep breath and then his eyes started to sting with sweat and he could feel sweat rolling down his sides, his back, even his legs and he continued walking slowly, carefully, attacking the darkness with the light beam…and then he thought he saw a light in the distance and he quickly turned his off and stared but couldnt see anything, thinking maybe it was a rat running around a corner…but how could he see only one eye? If it be a rat there be 2 eyes, not one…an anyways, that be too big to be a rat, if that be a rat that muthafucka biggeren a fuckin tiger and he continued staring and Marias image was suddenly shimmering in the darkness, but her face was all burned and her mouth was open in a silent scream and Bobby was frozen with terror…and then the light was there again, bigger, brighter, and moving up an down and a little sideways and he knew it had to be somebody but who the fuck could it be? Who the fuck could be down here an what the fuck they be wantin, and he tried to think of how he could hide so he could see them but he couldnt see anything unless he turned on his light and then they be seein him an the muthafucka might be blowin his ass away and he—Bobby…Bobby….
Bobby almost collapsed with relief. It was Mushie, that muthafucka Mushie, and Bobby tried to reply but his mouth was dry and nothing audible came out until he moistened his mouth and lips with his tongue, Mushie! MUSHIE MUSHIE!!!! The panic in his voice obvious to him but he didnt care he was so happy to hear Mushies voice he almost shit his pants an fell on his knees, MUSHIE, HERE, HERE!!!! Turn on your light already. O sheeit, yeah—turning on his flashlight and feeling his face crack into a grin—Im here Mush. Bobby watched the light get closer and closer, feeling his face still in a shit-eatin grin but not caring, knowing he was trembling, but not caring…knowing he had to pee so bad he be tastin it, but not caring he so muthafuckin happy to be seein Mushie…so mutha fuckin happy he feel like huggin and kissinim all over his head…then Moishe was standing in front of him, So….Bobby just stared, grinning and trembling, Moishe noticing and smiling, Youre looking alright. Yeah…I be alright Mush. Moishe smiled warmly with overwhelming relief, Good. Good….They stood in the blackness, flashlights pointed to the ground, vaguely yet overwhelmingly aware of each others presence and an infinite sense of relief within themselves. The momentary silence was unbroken by any sound….Then Moishe grinned, So…we go home, ya? Right the fuck on Mush. They walked faster, the 2 lights seeming to be a late sun to the thick darkness, Bobby following Moishe, his fear absorbed by the light of Moishes presence. Im sure glad to be seein you Mush. Whach you doin out here? Goin somewheres? Moishe shrugged, Im suddenly thinking youre here needin me, so….No shit? I/ll be damn….Ain that somethin…damn. You really thinkin that? Damn….Ain that somethin….I—Bobby suddenly stopped, silent, staring as an image of Maria falling swiftly, fleetingly, floated through his minds eye then disappeared. Moishe peered at Bobby, Youre alright? Bobby nodded, leaned forward slightly, Moishe almost reaching out to hold him, then started walking. Moishe kept glancing at Bobby, careful to keep his pace with his, Bobbys feeling of relief and hysteria continuing, yet he was silent….
When they entered Moishes apartment Bobby walked, dazed, to the kitchen and sat down at the table. The heavy silence prevailed as he sat looking at the table blinking his eyes, then at his hands, the floor, around the kitchen, seeming to be familiarizing himself yet appearing to not be seeing anything. In time he took a deep breath, the pain showing on his face, and exhaled slowly, Moishe happy to see him following his suggestion, Damn Mush, you really be wonderin if Im okay? Moishe nodded. Aint nobody ever wonderin that before far as I know. Damn! You really be wonderin….You one righteous mutha fucka Mush. Bobby looked at Moishe, more light seeming to come from him, especially his eyes, than the fixtures, and tried to smile but suddenly his eyes filled up and his throat was closed with knotted agony that rose from his gut, and he looked at Moishe, his mouth open for a moment, then shook his head and stared at his feet….She be dead Mush…a few tears rolled from his eyes and splattered on his sneakers, O Mush, she be dead, out the window Mush, out the window, 9 stories down, O Mush down to the muthafuckin groun Mush splat on the sidewalk Mush O Mush—covering his face with his hands for a moment, tears oozing between his fingers…then looking at Moishe, his face wet, the tears seeming to have blended the shades of color of the bruises with the blackness of his skin and the light reflected from the moisture and he looked as if he were glowing as his eyes reflected all the pain and misery of his life, his world, as he looked at Moishe, What Im gonna do Mush???? She be dead—shaking his head—Like she aint never gonna be gettin up off that sidewalk Mush—shaking his head and muttering, O God, an they aint never gonna be gettin her outta that sidewalk, you know that? they aint never be gettin all a Maria outta that sidewalk, 9 stories Mush, they always gonna be some part a her groun into that sidewalk an all them peoples be walkin on little bits a Maria an they aint even be knowener—shaking his head once more, his voice and attitude reflecting his amazement—you know that Mush, they dont even be knowen there be little bitty pieces a her in the muthafuckin groun, they dont even be seein its a different color there an what the fuck they care about Maria it aint their ass be steppin on an grindin deeper an deeper into the muthafuckin ceement, aint no muthafuckin skin off their muthafuckin noses what the fuck they be carin about—Moishe having to blink his eyes against Bobbys pain and despair from time to time, feeling Bobbys pain grind around in his gut stirring up more of the pain he had been experiencing with the memories that had been reawakened, his heart aching and crying as he watched Bobby becoming more and more angry and enraged with grief and the total senseless bestiality of Marias death, a little girl, for some reason, fell to the earth into death and Bobby was trying to find the pieces and nobody would know why this happened, nobody would be able to point to this or that and say, Ah, here is the cause, no more will this happen…nobody…not Bobby, not Moishe, not Marias mother or father…nobody, but everybody will suffer and grieve and be overwhelmed with grief and regret and confusion just as Bobby is now—they all the time be walkin all over us anyways what the fuck we be here for but for those muthafuckas to be walkin all over our ass an she be so sweet Mush, like dippin your finger in the sugar bowl an now she jus a sidewalk stain an everybody be goin about they business an—Bobby grabbed his head and bent over, his arms on the table, and Moishe sat, quietly, listening to Bobbys breathing, watching the occasional spasms in his back, listening to his own heart and momentarily feeling overwhelmed by his powerlessness, wanting to hug Bobby but knowing he had to allow Bobby the dignity of his grief for another moment so Bobby could empty his heart of its pain for a moment, just the briefest moment, but an absolutely necessary one, so Moishe sat, watching, almost losing himself with empathy.
In time Bobby raised his head, slowly, and looked at Moishe with a wet face and red eyes, briefly, then shook his head for a moment, his eyes closed, then looked up at the ceiling, closed his eyes halfway, I be get
tin those muthafuckin spics they be history—Moishe feeling a sudden and sharp stab in his heart, his mouth starting to open, but quickly closing—Aint no way they be gettin away with what they did—suddenly looking towards Moishe and staring, hard, heartless, at him—When they be whippin my ass they be throwin lye in her face…thats what they be doin…burn her all up…the people what be there say she be burned all up—Bobby continuing to stare as Moishe blinked back his tears, wanting to reach out to Bobby, to say something—they be burning her face all up an she go out the window 9 stories up an she still fallin when she hit the groun O Mush—looking at Moishe with an expression of bewilderment and confusion, a sense of being lost flowing from him, lost in so much more than his own pain and rage, so obviously overwhelmed by the sudden events in his life that he didnt know what to ask though it was obvious to Moishe that Bobby wanted to ask him something but the words simply were not available and Moishe was grateful they werent because he had none himself right now—Im tellin you Mush, I be gettin them muthafuckas. Maria cant be dead an they be alive—an Moishes heart twisted with pain and he felt his head nodding and heard himself say, Ya, I know Bobby….Ya, I know…and they continued to look at each other, Bobby staring, Moishe looking into Bobbys eyes and even if there had been the ticking of a clock it would have gone unnoticed just as the clicking on and off of the refrigerator was unheard
and eventually Bobby stood slowly, very slowly, agonizingly slowly, and walked trance-like to the living room and sat at the table with the puzzle and toyed with a few pieces. Moishe followed him and he too toyed with the pieces and put one in, Is key piece?—Bobby nodding his head, continuing to toy with the pieces, still moving his fingers even after dropping the pieces, Moishe trying to smile, Is easy now—but Bobby simply stared and Moishe was unable to force himself to try and make Bobby smile and so they sat in silence, Bobby staring at the table, Moishe glancing at Bobby from time to time. Bobby blinked his eyes, careful not to allow them to stay closed too long for fear of seeing the image of Maria falling through the air, from time to time Moishe thinking he should get bowls of ice cream for them but his inertia was too intense and in his heart he knew Bobby wouldnt even know it was there, so he sat in silence toying with puzzle pieces reminding himself that this would pass…yes, it would pass as all things pass, but now Moishe realized he was more worried about what would follow than what was happening at that moment. Bobby would survive the pain of Marias death, even the shock of the injustice, this Moishe knew, Bobby was strong, resilient, but would he survive the hate that was now poisoning his heart? To survive hatred and the cancer of revenge is not easy when justified by all the evidence you see. Who will tell Bobby hes not justified? His friends??? her family? Who is telling him this???? True…Sol told me, but how long before I heard??? how long before I believed???? And…how long before I was willing to let it go? Does Bobby have that much time? Can I now touch him on the shoulder and say Bobby I have to talk to you, I have to tell you to let go of your hate, that it will destroy you…what nonsense. I have to sit, quiet, say nothing, and…and what? What is it you are going to do Werner???? Nothing, just hope. Maybe my tongue will be guided? Yes, what other hope is there, only that my tongue will be silent so my heart can speak.
