I had already tried this with a French chef and a Chinese chef, but they had said this method could be used for more than just world peace. After all, if the actions of the demonic beasts could be influenced by delicious food, it was possible that food could be used to make them attack other areas of the world.
However, that would just make things more difficult with this stubborn old man, so I decided to not bring it up.
A “villain focused on profit” like me could keep those difficult issues to herself.
“Koitarou-san, I won’t bother you with the specific numbers, but the casualties due to demonic beasts are worst in central Africa. That area has little resources and food, so the international community pays little attention to it. Due to this, help to evacuate the people is tending to arrive too late. I may have done a lot just to make money in the past, but this much is true. …With my knowledge and your skill, we can bring the number of victims down to zero.”
“…Tch.”
Koitarou-san stopped in the middle of wiping down the kitchen with a wet rag.
“You’re as cowardly as ever.”
“And you are a true artisan for being willing to apply your talents despite that, Koitarou-san.”
And so Koitarou-san and I began the challenge.
In our attempt to face the threat of the demonic beasts, Koitarou-san used the senses of his tongue and his fingertips while I used the detailed statistics made from the massive amounts of data taken.
“If we need to make enough to feed all of them, it should be something that is not too difficult to make. Something the local people can simply and quickly make in large quantities would be best. Also, we can’t have the humans starving because they have no food left after feeding the demonic beasts. Ideally, it would be some fish or produce that is not often used for food.”
“It seems the demonic beasts’ sense of taste is not much different from that of us humans, but the reports say their ability to taste sourness is quite dull.”
“In that case, something like Nomura’s jellyfish might be a good idea. Really, anything that is large and emits a horrible ammonia smell. Their numbers have exploded recently, so quantity won’t be an issue.”
“I’ll have some brought in from our fish tanks.”
“…Do you have an aquarium built beneath your company?”
While we waited for the truck to arrive, we exchanged our opinions on the issue. The discussion was something like an exchange between two different cultures and it really inspired us. It was strange how our opinions were so different despite the fact that we were both trying to reach the same type of flavor.
When the Nomura’s jellyfish actually arrived, Koitarou-san frowned slightly and reluctantly looked over toward his knife.
“If you don’t want to get the horrible smell all over the place, I can prepare a kitchen and tools for you.”
“No, this is my cooking. I’ll use my tools.”
“So what should we do to make this jellyfish delicious while imagining that the sourness isn’t there?”
“It’s a collection of moisture, so putting it over a flame will flatten it. We have no choice but to use it raw.”
“So a type of sashimi?”
“Or we could increase the amount and make something like chirashizushi. But then we’d have to look for some other usually unusable food to take the place of the rice.”
Afterwards, we gathered things like weeds that were spreading too much and reducing the tubers of potatoes in the desert and safe fruits that were avoided because they looked just like poisonous ones.
“…We could probably make a salad with all this.”
“After all that talk about Edo-style sushi, we’re going to end up with something like that?”
“Actually, I think we should stick with the jellyfish. If we gather too many things that aren’t normally eaten, some bitterness will probably remain.”
“Hiding obstinate flavors is traditionally done by using wasabi soy sauce.”
“Wah! Wait, wait! Demonic beasts can’t handle anything spicy. The data says it causes them to go on a rampage! There was a report of horrible results when someone tried feeding them Indian food!!”
“Tch. Then we can put in something like pickled ginger to distract from the flavor…”
“I told you they can’t taste sourness.”
“Then what am I supposed to do!? Do the demonic beasts have a sweet tooth, so we should give them ice cream!?”
“Hmm…”
I operated the tablet computer with my index finger.
“I said the demonic beasts had a dull sense of sourness, right? It seems that’s because their digestive system is powerful enough that they can ignore that kind of warning signal.”
“Meaning?”
“It seems they often show up in trash dumps. I think they might love rotten foods.”
“Are you trying to mock me? As a sushi chef, freshness is my life.”
“Think of it as a fermented food. You can manage if you think of it as no different from cheese or natto, right?”
“I don’t care!! If they love the smell of rotting so much, why don’t you feed them a rag soaked in milk!? No, wait. That would be a waste of milk. But you could use sheep’s milk that humans almost never drink!!”
Later, Koitarou’s idea of the “Japanese Twist Stick” saved central Africa from its crisis and became a light of hope against the demonic beasts.
The major Japanese rotating sushi chain that held the patent profited immensely and grew to being the 2nd largest chain restaurant in the world. Koitarou was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, but he stubbornly refused it. His name was known around the world as a representative of the stubborn Japanese dandy, a personality type that had survived into the 21st century.
“Ahh, how wonderful. The world is at peace and my company has now delved deeply into the national defense and munitions industries. Koitarou-san, that was quite the horrible act you put on while refusing the Nobel Prize!! Huh? You look upset. Did something happen?”
“Yours is now the best-selling Edo-style sushi in the world. I think I’ve seriously lost all confidence in myself…”
Notes
↑ Nandeyanen is the classic tsukkomi in the Kansai dialect
File 19: A Unification of Standards is Urgent Business
It was the middle of the night, but my cell phone was ringing.
I heard my little brother’s sleepy voice coming from the bottom bunk of the bunk bed.
“Onee-chan. Your phone is ringing.”
“So is yours. What is this? Another mystery villain warning?”
“You’re a magical girl, right, onee-chan? Can’t you do something about…mumble mumble.”
“I’m in charge of mystical beasts, those animals taken over by dark energy. Mystery villains are your thing, right? Hurry up and pull the string on the security buzzer to call in that bike rider.”
If I removed my nightcap and changed out of my pajamas and into my outside clothes I had prepared for emergencies, I would feel I had lost. I brought the covers back over my head on the top bunk.
When I did, I heard a rumbling coming from a great distance. It was not like an earthquake. Vibrations at regular intervals shook our cheap house.
“Onee-chan.”
“Demons that have turned giant are for that group of five people in tights to handle! Argh! Why don’t they take their combining robot with them whenever they leave their secret base!? In fact, why don’t they have it combined from the get-go!?”
More than one kind of evil was running rampant in this world and they all had their own distinct weaknesses. A single large organization like the police or the army could not deal with all of them.
Just like the police were skilled at handling criminals, magical girls were skilled at handling mystical beasts, bike riders were skilled at handling mystery villains, and groups of five people in tights were skilled at handling demons.
A unification of standard
s had been achieved to a certain extent, but that was as far as it went.
Since the reports sent to your cell phone came from various different organizations, your phone had a way of ringing all day long.
I looked over toward the window from which moonlight filled the room and I spotted someone landing on the balcony railing. The suspicious person looked like they were about to open the window and come in, so I took the initiative and spoke to them.
“…What are you doing? This is Japan. We don’t need you western people in tights.”
“Sorry, but our problem has already grown to a global scale. This is no time for you to be keeping up your isolationism.”
“Onee-chan. I got a warning email from overseas.”
“Don’t click it! Don’t do anything while you don’t know if you’ll get any service charges for this!!”
I had no choice but to call up the online cell phone manual and check to see if that would warrant a service charge.
Meanwhile, I recalled I had an English quiz the next day.
“You, magical girl of Cool Japan.”
“What is it, American comics macho?”
“It seems a giant robot pal of yours has started a war of independence up in orbit.”
“Eh? I thought that robot fell under the category of transformation heroes?”
“A boy who had lived a completely normal life up until yesterday somehow ended up inside a humanoid one and it activated never before seen functions, but I suppose it could be mistaken for the largest one belonging to that group in tights.”
“Well, if you look at it from the outside, you really can’t tell who’s inside.”
“Speaking of which, it baffles me how you magical girls keep your identities hidden. Your faces are fully visible.”
“We manage somehow or other using the magical power of love. Anyway, what’s going on with that robot battle?”
The western man in tights looked up into the night sky.
“The ones who cannot resist any longer look like they are about to rain down on the earth. These robots falls under the jurisdiction of the Japanese government, so I wonder how they will handle this.”
“Can’t they keep this up in space!?”
“I would like to know why the people from this country who deal with space seem to take every opportunity to try to drop giant things on the earth from space.”
I don’t know why he was asking me. I was a magical girl. I lightly struck my bed and the representative of boys, my little brother, opened his mouth sleepily in the bottom bunk.
“Fnyahh. It’s because they have dreams…”
“Hm. Perhaps it is like a skinny kid wanting to show up the football captain.”
While he was feeling admiration for some western concept, new warning emails started arriving at our cell phone, making them ring and ring and ring.
“Shut up... Can’t you do something about that?”
“They’re emergency warnings, so we can’t just stop them.”
“Yes, but can’t we unify everything so it’s all settled with just one warning?”
“What are you saying? People in tights and magical girls have their own separate places to shine. You can’t ask us to simply resolve everything in our 30 minute broadcasts.”
“Well, yes. But maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to do crossovers occasionally.”
“Sorry, but I have not fallen so far as to embrace a little girl like you.”
“Now you’ve said it!! I’ll show you why Japan’s magical girls are such a steady source of income for the toy companies!!”
“Fgyaahhh!! Just let me sleep. I’m gonna call the bike guy!!”
It seemed my little brother in the bottom bunk had pulled the string on the security buzzer. The cell phones were bad enough, but now another annoying electronic tone added to the din.
I heard the front door break down, someone climb the stairs, and then the room to our bedroom was smashed through. A Japanese-style man in tights riding a giant bike entered the room.
I instinctually grabbed my magic wand.
“That engine is the most annoying sound of all!! Get with the times and use an electric engine!!”
“This is no time for that!! Things have gotten bad outside!!”
“I thought you were in charge of the villains in tights from this country?” asked the western man in tights.
However, it seemed that was not what the bike rider was trying to say.
“My mystery villains, her mystical beasts, and the group of five’s demons have started a joint venture with the robot army trying to win independence from earth!!”
“A joint venture!?”
“Also, they have pressured the EU into judging Souma Industries under antitrust laws. That’s the major defense company that develops and supplies us with our equipment. At this rate, they might be charged with an additional tax of over ten billion euros and asked to disclose their technological information!! The group will collapse!!”
“Geh! My toy company falls under Souma Industries, doesn’t it!?”
“You can still manage! What am I supposed to do about my bike!?”
“Oh, dear. Japan really does have a poor view of national defense. If you ask me, you need to keep in mind that, when it comes to military development, corporations are more than just corporations. That way, things cannot be so easily-…”
“ American comics boy. The major firearms company that is your primary sponsor just had to recall 2 million units. I’m sure they’ll do something about it, but their stock has tanked. Is that movie of yours actually going to happen?”
“Fwooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”
The man in tights’s cry echoed into the night.
However, a magical girl or someone in tights could do nothing about these business issues. Just like the police were skilled at handling criminals and poor at handling mysterious villains, transforming heroes like us had no way of attacking problems like stock prices or a worldwide recession.
Just as the heroes who protect the world fell silent and were wondering what to do…
…the door to the room burst open.
Standing there was the seedy-looking central pillar of my family. He had glasses, a comb-over, and a worn-out suit, but he tightened his tie with focused strength.
That 45 year old man who had been seemingly forever been a section chief at a 2nd rate trading firm after graduation from a 3rd rate university spoke.
“Papa is about to head out to fight, so don’t worry about a thing. Just go back to sleep.”
Heroes were surprisingly commonplace.
Every day, people were fighting battles of life or death in their field of expertise.
File 20: All Sorts of Offerings
When I returned from the school social studies field trip to Kyoto, I found a strange girl in my room.
She looked very Japanese.
However, she looked somehow more extravagant than a simple shrine maiden.
“Ah!! I can’t believe you! She was telling the truth. You have me, so how can you come home smelling of some other women as if nothing happened!?”
“…Um, who are you?”
“Sakuya! Konohana Sakuya-hime!! I won’t let you say you didn’t know I am worshiped at the neighborhood shrine!! You pray to me during your New Year’s shrine visit each year, and it was due to my divine protection that you passed your middle school entrance exams!! And yet…And yet…Wahh!! I can’t believe one of my precious worshippers was seduced by some woman he met on a trip!! I’ve been NTRed!!”
She seemed to be saying some horrible things about me, but it also seemed she was a goddess. A Japanese goddess. But what was this about me cheating on her?
“Don’t you dare say you don’t know what I’m talking about!! You have the stink of the divine protection of another goddess all over you!!”
“Divine protection?”
“Yes, divine protection!! You went around to various Shinto shrines and Buddhist t
emples while sightseeing in Kyoto, didn’t you!?And you threw tons of coins into all their offering boxes!! I-I’ve been betrayed… You already had a goddess like me, and yet you still went around collecting divine protection from all sorts of other goddesses!! I can’t believe you!!”
As Konohana Sakuya-hime (a goddess) wailed, she kept violently brushing at my shoulders and chest. It looked something like she was trying to brush off the pollen from early spring. Perhaps she was trying to get the “smell” off of me.
But if offerings were not allowed, did that mean…?
“Um.”
“What!?”
“By any chance, was I not supposed to buy charms either?”
“Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Stinking of another goddess’s divine protection was bad enough, but you have an a-a-accessory…!?”
“I thought it would make a good Kyoto souvenir.”
“They have safer things like yatsuhashi!! By the way, I prefer it raw!!”
“Here.”
I held out a pale box toward the strange goddess. That seemed to put Konohana Sakuya-hime into a bit of a better mood. She seemed to view it as an offering.
As the goddess munched on the Japanese confectionary, she said, “Honestly, thinking you ‘might as well’ buy a charm while at a shrine is just ridiculous. Those things distort the path of your life using the divine protection of the shrine’s god. If you buy one without a clear objective in mind, you will end up derailing from the path you are on.”
“Isn’t it best to have as much good fortune as possible?”
“You fool. You can stray from the proper path by having things go too well. The tragic fate of a man who wins the lottery is a common story. The Japanese have an unfortunate habit of only relying on gods when they are in trouble, but that is the proper way of thinking when it comes to these types of goods. During entrance exam season, you buy an academic charm. When job hunting, you buy a business charm. And if you accidentally get your girlfriend pregnant, you buy a charm for an easy birth. The proper role for charms is to give a boost of good fortune during those occasional times of need. They are not something you can just buy willy-nilly and use as a cell phone strap.”
A Simple Survey - Volume 01 - A Simple Survey Page 10
