by JB Bonds
Burton was way ahead of us and attracting some attention. He certainly is not inhibited in any way. He lives in his own world and couldn’t really care less what others think about him.
“Come on, guys! I’ll go in and get us the perfect table!”
Key West is known for its laid back characters, laid back attitudes, and in general, a “do what you want to do, when you want to do it” kind of vibe. Roz and I actually love seeing all the different people Key West attracts. So many vacationers come here for a week or so, and end up moving to Key West permanently. The atmosphere gives you the feeling of being on a perpetual vacation. We also love the chickens that roam all over town and the six-toed cats that are said to be descendants of Ernest Hemingway’s cats. There are a lot of little shot-gun houses painted bright Caribbean colors located on the side streets, plus bed and breakfast establishments that attract a lot of vacationers.
There was a live band playing at the Hog’s Breath so when we entered, it was impossible to talk to one another. The band was some kind of reggae group and their steel drums added a wonderful feel to the bar. The Hog’s Breath is a tiny bar, open on three sides, and it was packed for happy hour. We could see Burton standing next to a table of people who were just about ready to leave. I think he had stationed himself there to grab the table because it was directly in front of the web cam.
“Yoo-hoo! Over here, guys! This is the perfect table and these nice folks are just leaving. How lucky can we get?” Burton was helping one of the ladies at the table as she gathered up her belongings. He even stopped her to adjust and fluff up the scarf she had tied around her neck. The woman looked a little taken aback, but let Burton puff and fluff away.
In only a few minutes, the five of us were seated and feverishly texting all our friends to tell them we were in position for the great web cam showing.
Joe seemed right at home as he leaned back in his chair, taking in all the activity and drumming his fingers on the table to the beat of the band. Lois seemed tired and was quiet. Maybe she was missing Morty. We had seen Lois several times since the great “cat” incident, but she had said nothing more about it. If she and Morty had come to terms with how their three days of cohabitation had ended, we weren’t sure. Morty seemed as busy as ever, and could be seen walking all over Rainbow.
“This bingo money is burning a hole in my pocket, guys! The first round is on me,” Roz said.
“You all have GOT to try the Smash. There’s so much Coconut Rum in this drink you’ll think you’re in the islands,” Burton said as he looked around for a waiter.
Joe flagged a waitress down and we all agreed the Smash sounded perfect. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Roz waving at the web cam. I had totally forgotten we were sitting directly in front of the contraption. It is kind of infectious, though. Knowing that people you know can get on their computer, go to the Hog’s Breath Saloon website and pull up this web cam, in real time, and see us, was kind of fun. I guess Burton saw Roz waving because he immediately started adjusting his tube top, applying another layer of bubble gum pink lipstick, and for lack of another word, fidgeting. He seemed a little more hyper than usual. Roz nudged me with her elbow and leaned over closer to my ear. “Joanie, I think Burton has one of those tiny little microphones peeping out of the front of his hair.”
I looked at Burton a little closer and sure enough, I could see the little microphone peeping out of his updo. About that time, Burton unzipped his backpack and sat some kind of contraption on the table, pushed a few buttons, and proceeded to stand up and twirl around. The band was between songs, so Burton began to sing. I guess he’d had some experience at karaoke, and maybe that’s what this machine was all about, because he proceeded to belt out “New York, New York” like a pro; the sound was quite good. Everyone in the place stopped what they were doing, put down their forks, and tried to see who was singing. In only a matter of seconds, the table of vacationers next to us joined in on the chorus and before we knew it, the Hog’s Breath was alive with the sound of Broadway. Even the staff got in on the fun. When Burton tried to sit down, the crowd wouldn’t let him. They wanted more. But, Burton being the showman he is, could see the reggae band coming back in from their break. He did a sweet little curtsy in their direction and announced over his karaoke machine that it was time for some island music. With that he sat down, put his music box away, and sipped on his Smash.
“Burton, I have to say, you’ve got a great voice. I didn’t know you could sing like that,” Roz said.
“Not many people around here know I can sing. I actually have done quite a few Broadway musicals in my time.”
“Well, I can see right now, Rainbow is going to have some kind of talent show in its future,” I said. It was obvious Burton’s impromptu concert had stirred up the patrons of Hog’s Breath because the noise level had gone up a couple notches.
About that time, Roz’s phone rang. She left the table and walked over toward the ladies’ room so she could hear. Burton’s phone rang about the same time and he went outside to talk.
“What do you guys think about Burton’s singing?” I asked.
“He certainly surprised me. I would never have guessed a voice like that could come out of Burton’s mouth,” Joe said.
“I thought it was thrilling. You think you know someone and then they go and do something so different than what you would have expected. Joanie, you’re right; we’ve got a real treasure in Rainbow with Burton’s voice. Why don’t you two girls talk to Herb next week and suggest some kind of talent show? I know Burton would be all over that,” Lois said.
“That’s a great idea. A couple of our grandkids are visiting soon. Maybe we can coordinate the talent show for when they’re here.”
Roz came back to our table. Both her children and grandchildren had seen us at our table on the web cam, plus they could see Burton performing. There was no sound, but they knew something special was happening.
“My youngest granddaughter, Kendall, wanted to know who the tall lady with Dolly Parton hair was. I told her that was Burton. She was a little surprised, but thought it was about the coolest thing she’d seen in a long time,” Roz said.
Burton came back to the table and announced all his friends had seen him and lamented the fact they had no sound to hear him, and that he’d ordered another round of Smashes for everyone. Roz and I, again, just looked at each other. We don’t hold our liquor very well. Two drinks and we’re finished for the evening. I flush up so badly, my face looks like it’s going to burst into flames, and Roz gets super happy and finds everything funny. Over the years, she and I have had some great times when we’ve imbibed a little too much, but there’s this line we cannot cross when it comes to how much we can drink before things go south.
Joe and Lois seemed to be having a great conversation across the table from us. We all drank our Coconut Rum drink and ordered dinner. At one point during the meal, all of the following happened: Lois got up to go to the bathroom, came back out, and turned left instead of right. The next thing we knew she was walking up the street away from the restaurant. Joe immediately went after her. Roz got up, went to the bathroom, came back out, turned left instead of right, and away she went. Joe was off again. When Lois got back to the table, it was immediately obvious, she had taken off her skirt for some reason while in the bathroom and proceeded to put it back on wrong side out. Then when Roz got back to the table, on the tip of her nose was a tiny piece of white tissue paper. She must have blown her nose while in the bathroom. I touched the tip of my nose, which caused Roz to touch hers. All she said was “what the—”
I was afraid to get up to go to the bathroom at this point. I knew my legs would hold me, but I wasn’t sure I could walk a straight line. My face was so red and hot, I could feel it throbbing. What was in those Smashes? When I finally couldn’t wait any longer, I got up to go the bathroom. Roz could see I was having some difficulty making my way betwee
n the tables, so she joined me and held my elbow, all the while laughing so hard she was crying.
“Joanie, I’ve been meaning to tell you what happened at my chiropractor appointment yesterday. Remember our conversation about how horrible we thought it would be if, while having your back adjusted, you farted real big? It happened! Yesterday! I couldn’t help it, the doctor pressed a little too hard, and out it came, and the worst part is he had a trainee in the room with us. All I could think of to say was ‘that’s a relief.’ I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.”
By this time Roz was laughing so hard she was crying, and I had joined her. We went into the restroom and found empty stalls. I proceeded to get comfortably seated on the toilet, but oh my Lord, my head was spinning! I closed my eyes to try to calm my vertigo and try to center myself, so I could concentrate on what I had to do to get back to the table. I held my weary head up by propping my chin in the palm of hand, and just sat there for a minute or two, hoping to gain some control. Then I opened my eyes. To my utter and total disbelief the door to my stall had gently swung open without me knowing it. There I sat, underwear around my ankles, with my eyes closed for who knows how long. Ladies were peeping in at me and tiptoeing by the stall. I very gingerly closed the door and locked it. Where was Roz when I needed her?
“Roz, are you still in here?” I whispered loudly.
“Yes. Why?”
“Didn’t you see the door was open on my stall?”
“Yes, but I thought you looked so calm and serene, I didn’t want to bother you.”
“Good, Lord in heaven…I’ll be out in a minute.”
We eventually got back to our table to find Burton was up front with the band, dancing a frantic Mamba. Joe asked, “What’s so funny, ladies?”
“You don’t want to know, Joe,” I said.
“Oh, one of those ‘you had to be there’ kind of things?” Joe asked.
“Something like that, but believe me, you did not want to be there!” Roz said.
Joe and Lois looked like they wanted to leave. Joe had not had but one of the drinks, so he was the only person in our group who seemed sane. Lois just seemed a little sleepy.
“You girls ready to get back to Rainbow?” Joe asked.
“Sure thing, Joe. Joanie and I have passed our limit with cocktails. I think we’re both ready to call it a night.”
I just nodded. Roz just giggled. Lois just yawned, and Joe just smiled. Burton ran over to the table when he saw all of us stand up, and said he had a ride home. We could see his evening was just beginning. One of the reggae band members motioned for him to come back over. Burton was in his element. He smiled sweetly, and said, “I think I’ll stay a little while.”
Chapter 8
Two New Friends
Our weekend was jammed packed with activity, and the one thing Roz and I were determined to do was to get over to meet our newest neighbors. We had thought we’d go over sometime Sunday, but decided Saturday morning to drop off a pan of brownies that afternoon. The neighbors probably didn’t know where anything was in their house at this point and a pan of brownies might come in handy. But first, I needed a couple of aspirins and something to calm my stomach. Those Smashes were still haunting me, and as Roz walked into the kitchen, I could see she was feeling the same.
“I wonder what time Burton made it back to Rainbow last night?” I asked as I handed her a glass of water and two aspirins.
“Thanks, Joanie. I would suspect very late. Burton loves nothing better than an admiring audience and a live band. I don’t know how he does it. He has more energy than I had twenty years ago. Joanie, have you noticed the comings and goings of people over at the Hammonds’ this morning?” Roz said as she slowly sat at the kitchen table.
“I did see Morty go in about an hour ago. Who did you see?”
“Bea and Alberta were just there. I saw them walking up the Hammonds’ sidewalk about fifteen minutes ago, and then not five minutes later, out they came. I would venture to say all these residents are buying Caliente Honey.”
“You think? Have you talked to anyone that’s actually been taking the elixir?”
“No, but from the research I’ve been doing in my herbology books on the benefits of honey and this Caliente berry, is not jiving. No doubt about it, honey is one of nature’s true miracles and has hundreds of benefits if ingested on a regular basis, but I have yet to find out anything about the berry. And another thing, the next time I see Flo I have to tell her about taking Vitamin E for her hot flashes. Too bad that elixir doesn’t have a little E in it for that purpose alone. In fact, I have a brand new bottle of Vitamin E that I’ll take over there sometime today.”
“How about we drop off the E on our way to the new neighbors later this afternoon?”
“Perfect! Do you feel like eating some breakfast?”
“Not until 3:00 this afternoon, and that might not work either,” Roz said as she laid her head on the table.
As the morning progressed, Roz and I saw no fewer than ten residents come and go at the Hammonds’. We’d actually gotten a couple of phone calls from friends telling us how excited they were about the miracle product. This elixir must be truly amazing. Around 1:00 p.m., we had the brownies made and Vitamin E bottle in hand as we walked up our street. We could see Virgil at his computer as we came up to their front door. Roz knocked.
“Hi Roz and Joanie. Please come in.”
“No, no, I just wanted to leave a bottle of Vitamin E tablets for Flo. Is she here?” asked Roz.
“No, she’s not, but she should be back from the grocery store soon,” Virgil didn’t seem quite as upbeat and friendly today.
“OK, just give her these vitamins. If she’s taking them now and doesn’t need this bottle, I’ll get them back from her later, but if she isn’t, please tell her they work amazingly well to calm down hot flashes.”
“I know Flo will be interested in this. She sure has been suffering with those things.” Virgil was backing up and closing the door.
“By the way, Flo was telling us about the Caliente Honey you sell that will just about cure anything that ails you,” I said as Virgil was just about to close the door.
With a jerk of his head, he opened the door. “Oh yes, I can’t tell you how lucky I am to have come across this product. Flo and I feel like new people since we’ve been taking the elixir. It’s nothing short of miraculous. My energy levels have gone up and my memory seems to have improved. Flo swears her complexion and hair are like they were twenty years ago.”
“My goodness, how come I haven’t seen this product in stores?” Roz asked.
“The little company in South America, Peru, to be exact, that produces the elixir doesn’t have the capability to manufacture that much product right now. That’s why I tell people who are interested in taking it, if they want to buy it, they need to do it now. I just got ten cases of the elixir a couple of days ago and don’t know when I’ll be able to get more.”
“Is there a possibility at times your supplier may not be able to get the elixir to you at all?” I asked.
“No, no, not that big a problem. I just encourage people to buy a bottle now because my next shipment isn’t due in for a few weeks.”
“I’m curious. How much is a bottle of elixir and how long will it last?” Roz asked.
“$100 a bottle and it lasts one month,” Virgil said with a straight face.
I think Roz actually gasped when she heard $100 and only 30 doses in a bottle. At that rate, the Hammonds had made over $1000, just this morning. We had no idea what Virgil had to pay for the honey, but I would bet it wasn’t anything near $100 a bottle.
“Virgil, it’s good to see you. Please let Flo know Roz and I are going to aqua aerobics on Monday morning at 9:00 and she’s more than welcome to join us. Also, tell her Rainbow has a new book club now, and I’ll fill in all the details when I see
her again.”
Roz and I just rolled our eyes at each other as we walked down the Hammonds’ sidewalk.
“Well, call me stupid, but I don’t like what I’m hearing about this elixir,” Roz said.
“I agree. Not only is the product exorbitantly priced, but he’s instilling fear into the people who buy it that they may not be able to get it again if they don’t buy right now. Who knows, he could be selling everyone more than one bottle at a time!”
“We have got to talk to some of our friends who are taking the honey to see what Virgil has told them and how they’re feeling. I mean, maybe Caliente Honey is the miracle drug of the millennium, but if you ask me, I think the Hammonds are like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, slinking around a penned flock of defenseless sheep.”
“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Roz.”
As we approached the new neighbors’ house, we could see all kinds of cleaning products, along with brooms and mops, on their front porch. I don’t envy anyone the first week after a move, especially at our ages. We climbed up the stairs, and as Roz was about to knock, the door opened.
“Aren’t you two just the cutest things in those hats!” said a most pleasant woman. Her eyes were dark and sparkling and her face looked like it could burst out in laughter in an instant. She wasn’t very tall, maybe 5’2”. She had her snow white hair pulled severely back in a low bun at the nape of her neck. She was wearing what looked like a 1950’s vintage house dress I could remember my mom wearing.
“Good morning, neighbor! I’m Roz Powell and this is my sister, Joanie O’Hara. We won’t keep you because we know you’re busy. Just wanted to introduce ourselves, leave you these brownies, and tell you not to hesitate to call on us if you have any questions.”
“You’re not bothering me. Please, come on in. My name is McGhee Parker and I live here with my sister, Ida Jones. I have some fresh tea. Why don’t we sit a bit and enjoy those brownies? Please excuse the mess in the kitchen. I just put a roast in for dinner.” Here was a woman after my own heart.
