Rainbow's End

by JB Bonds

  We got to bed late. I was bunking with Roz. Judy was in my bedroom, and Sylvia was sleeping on our pullout couch in the living room. She loves to get up early, like 5:00 a.m. early, to have coffee and read, so the three of us were happy to be back in the bedrooms. We didn’t start our days until at least 8:00 a.m. That first morning after Sylvia and Judy’s arrival we found Sylvia at the kitchen table furiously reading How Erotic My Dreams, my book club read for this month. As I walked into the kitchen, Sylvia looked up over her glasses and said, “Well, well, your reading choices have sure gotten spicy in your old age, Joanie.”

  “You don’t know how spicy, Sylvia. This new book club I started here at Rainbow has gone totally erotic. I’m hopeful I’ll be able to suggest a compromise this Wednesday that we start reading some other genres for a change.”

  “Do your members get into discussions on eroticism?”

  “In detail. I’ve learned more about titillation and masturbation than in my whole lifetime!” I said with a smile.

  “Maybe this will be my chance.”

  “What chance?” I asked as Roz and Judy came into the kitchen.

  “I didn’t tell you about this old guy I was seeing last fall. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything to you, maybe it was because he was a little strange and I knew you’d tell me to run,” Sylvia said.

  “OK, now you’ve got our interest,” Roz said.

  “There was this one incident that finally made me tell the guy to get lost. He was kind of creeping me out. We had been out shopping earlier in the day; it was a Saturday, because he was watching football. I told him I wanted to lie down for a little while, and he said fine, he’d just keep watching the game. I came out of my bedroom a couple hours later, and you wouldn’t believe what I found!” Sylvia said with a straight face. “There he was, stretched out on my recliner fast asleep, with no pants or underwear on, and here comes the good part. Wrapped around his balls was something that looked like duct tape. His prick was standing straight up, and not from excitement, I might add. There was so much duct tape around his balls that Mr. Johnson was pointing to the ceiling.”

  Roz, Judy, and I were laughing so hard at this point, we had to sit down.

  “Sylvia! You have got to be kidding!” I howled.

  “I wish I was. About the time I got over to the chair to get a good look at his balls, he woke up. When he saw me, he just kind of smiled sheepishly at me. Come to find out he’d read an article in a book he’d gotten at an adult book store, he didn’t mention the name, that said the Japanese believe that having no hair on their balls gives them a lot more sexual stimulation and arousal. While I was sleeping, he went into my bathroom and used MY razor to shave his balls. Unfortunately, he had nicked his left one and it bled profusely. He couldn’t find Band-Aids anywhere in my house, but guess what, he found my roll of duct tape! He wanted to know if I had ever had sex with a man who had duct tape wrapped around his balls, and I said, hell no, and I doubt anyone else in the whole world ever has, either! That’s when I told him I thought it might be a good idea to go to a drug store and get some antibiotic spray and a few Band-Aids, because he didn’t need an infection setting in down there. He agreed and as soon as his ass went out my front door, I locked it. He called later that day but I was conveniently not at home. I guess I should have talked to him. Who knows? Maybe his ball was still bleeding!”

  Roz and Judy were crying now. Our faces hurt from laughing so hard.

  “So you think this would be something you’d like to share with my book club?” I asked incredulously.

  “I want to see everyone’s reaction. Maybe I’m being a prude, I don’t know.”

  “I wouldn’t call you a prude at all, Sylvia. In fact, that’s the last thing I’d call you. But who knows what he’d want to shave next?” Roz said.

  “Well, oddly enough, the last thing he said as he went out the door was, “You’re next, sweetheart!”

  “I think you should write a book, Sylvia!” Judy said.

  “If not a book, how about letting the duct tape manufacturers know — there aren’t 1,001 uses for duct tape — there are 1,002! Let’s eat breakfast and then I’ll tell you about the time he almost drowned me in the hot tub!” Sylvia exclaimed.

  Chapter 27

  My Bad!

  We were just digging into our poached eggs and grapefruit when someone knocked on our door. To our surprise, it was Joe.

  “Good morning, Joe, please come in. I’d like for you to meet a couple of our friends,” I said.

  “Good morning, ladies,” Joe said with a smile.

  “Joe, this is Sylvia Randall and Judy Miller. And, girls, this is Joe Curtis, one of Rainbow’s favorite residents,” I said as I motioned him to the kitchen island for a cup of coffee.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed your visit this morning, but I wanted to get that bottle of elixir you said you had because I found a lab that can analyze it. I thought I’d get it in the mail this morning.”

  “Right. Here it is, Joe. I can’t wait to see what’s in this stuff,” Roz said as she took the bottle from the kitchen cabinet.

  “What kind of elixir is this?” Judy asked.

  “I guess we haven’t told you about this miracle elixir our next door neighbors are selling to the residents here in our community,” Roz said.

  “What kind of miracles does it perform?” Sylvia asked.

  “Supposedly, wrinkles disappear, new hair growth appears on bald pates, energy levels go sky high, and general euphoria ensues,” I said with a smirk.

  “Well, sign me up!” Sylvia exclaimed.

  “Unfortunately, Roz and I think there’s something in this elixir that could be harmful, especially for the age group taking it here in Rainbow.”

  “We’ve seen some pretty strange behavior since the Hammonds started selling the stuff, and not all of it is good. Our friend, Burton, seems to be especially affected negatively by it, and he refuses to talk to a doctor about whether he should even be taking it,” Roz said.

  “At first I wasn’t convinced this elixir was a problem, but some other things have come to light recently that have piqued my attention, especially the other day in my boat,” Joe said.

  “Have you talked to Virgil about that?” Roz asked.

  “I sure did and he says it wasn’t him, categorically denies it. I am almost 100% sure it was him in that yacht. My PI skills usually don’t steer me wrong. I have a keen sense for details. Anyway, I’ll leave you ladies to your breakfast. It was a pleasure meeting both of you. As soon as I hear anything from the lab, I’ll let you know,” Joe said as he went out the door.

  “Well, now, there’s a nice looking man and he smells delicious!” Sylvia said.

  “Who, Joe?” I asked.

  “Yes, Joe. Don’t tell me you live so close to him and haven’t noticed. He reminds me of some actor…I know, Sam Elliott. He even has that beautiful, deep rich tone to his voice and gorgeous white hair,” Sylvia crooned.

  “What’s this about his deck boat?” Judy asked.

  “Roz and I and our two friends from up the street went out on a little boat ride with Joe a couple of days ago, and almost got swamped by a yacht. It was going very fast and came so close to us that a wave of water broke over the bow, soaking all of us. Joe was not a happy man. We got back to his dock safely and helped Joe wipe down the inside of his boat. He said he was positive our neighbor, Virgil Hammond, was in the yacht and he intended to speak to him.”

  “I have to say, Rainbow’s End has a lot more going on than I would have ever expected. We haven’t been here a full 24 hours and already I’ve read an erotic book from the book club, found out you have sketchy neighbors, and you told me last week that someone tried to break into your house! Not to mention, the attack of the rooster from hell!” Sylvia said with a laugh.

  “We’re not sure what the Hammonds are sellin
g, but we need to find out if this Caliente Honey has something in it that could be hazardous. I took a dose of it, just to see what would happen, and I have to tell you, I was flying high for hours!” I said.

  “If you find out there’s nothing in it that can kill you, I want some of this elixir. My wrinkles could use a little smoothing out, and who couldn’t use a little more energy? I’m having a tough time keeping up with my grandkids,” Judy said.

  After getting on our swimsuits, the four of us went to the pool for the aerobics class. Roz and I wanted Sylvia and Judy to meet some of our friends. The first person we saw as we walked into the pool area was Bea. She’d gotten her favorite lounger situated exactly as she wanted it, and was tucking her giant denim tote bag securely under her chair. I would give anything to see what’s in that tote. Her kleptomania had been escalating lately. No one seemed to ever be missing anything of great value, which is what made the whole situation even more bizarre. Things like a comb, lipstick, a grocery list, a bottle of aspirin would go missing from beach bags or from the tops of tables that were left unattended, and usually Bea could be found not very far away when the things were discovered missing.

  “Hi Bea, we’d like for you to meet our friends, Sylvia and Judy. They’re visiting us for a week,” I said.

  “Super. I know you two will have a good time,” Bea said as she headed for the pool.

  “Friendly sort, huh,” Judy said.

  “She’s usually a little friendlier than that. Let’s go over to the corner and grab some loungers and a table. We can leave our things there.”

  “Yoo-hoo, sisters, I’m so, so glad you’re here this morning!” Burton shouted as he walked over to us.

  Burton had on a full length caftan in giraffe print with a hat to match. His sunglasses were huge.

  “Hi Burton, meet our friends, Sylvia and Judy,” Roz said.

  “Pleasure is all mine, dear ladies. Roz and Joanie, I owe you another apology. Can you ever forgive me for snapping at you the other day? I don’t know what gets into me lately. My patience has flown the coop!” Burton said as he twirled around us in his caftan.

  Sylvia and Judy hadn’t said a word. They couldn’t take their eyes off Burton. I guess Roz and I should have given them a heads up about Burton before introducing him. Our friends came out of their trance and very cordially shook hands with him.

  “Can I leave my cover-up and hat with you, ladies? I see Bea is here this morning,” Burton said.

  “Sure, just put them by my things on the last lounger, Burton,” Roz said.

  “I want the four of you ladies to come to my RV this evening for cocktails, say around 5:00?” Burton said.

  “That would be wonderful. What can we bring?” Roz said.

  “Just your cute, little ol’ selves is all,” Burton said as he briskly walked over to the pool’s edge.

  Henri came into the pool area and blew her whistle, which signaled the start of class. The four of us joined Lois, who had already gotten in the pool and was standing beside Bea. Al, of the tiny little Speedo, was also in the pool. Burton waved the four of us over to him.

  “I hope you all are ready to work this morning,” Henri said as the disco music started blaring.

  “Oooh, this is going to be fun,” Sylvia said.

  Sylvia was positioned right behind Al, so I knew she was going to have lots to tell us after class. Al’s Speedo was just a figment of his imagination this morning. There were two or three ladies in class I didn’t recognize, but they seemed to be unable to stop their chatter. Henri was losing patience with them, and finally asked them to quiet down. Burton exaggerated every movement, but it looked like he just couldn’t help himself. The music had totally overtaken his senses. After about thirty minutes, Burton left the water, put on his caftan and hat, and walked out. Class ended with Donna Summer singing “Love to Love you, Baby” while we did a slowdown and some stretches.

  “What a great workout. I really enjoyed that,” Judy said.

  “Henri has class here every morning at 9:00, if you want to come down. Roz and I usually try to make it two or three times a week,” I said.

  “Tell me about Burton. He seems like an interesting character,” Sylvia said as she stretched out on her lounger.

  “Burton is our best friend here at Rainbow. As you could see by his choice of attire, he does enjoy women’s clothing. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen him in anything but women’s clothing. He’s been so kind to me and Roz. His personality is so upbeat, caring, and fun that he just makes our day whenever we’re around him,” I said.

  “Up until he started taking the elixir, that is,” added Roz.

  “He’s the friend we’re worried the most about right now. His personality has gotten even more off the wall, frenetic, and sometimes ugly, which isn’t like him. He’s also lost quite a bit of weight in the past month or so.” I said.

  “I think he’s hilarious, and I admire the fact he’s so uninhibited,” Judy said.

  “The residents here all love him and accept him the way he is, which is as it should be,” Roz said.

  “Has anybody seen my sunglasses?” Judy asked.

  “Where’s Bea?” I asked.

  Bea was walking out of the pool area with Judy’s sunglasses on the top of her head. Roz called to her and waved her over to us.

  “Bea, I think those are Judy’s sunglasses you have on your head,” Roz said.

  “What? Sunglasses?” Bea said as she reached up and plucked them off. “I must have picked these up thinking they were mine. My bad.” Bea handed the sunglasses to Judy and turned to walk away.

  “Picked them right up off my beach towel, on my lounger, right,” Judy said with some disgust.

  “Somebody needs to talk to her about this, but I don’t know who it should be. This is getting beyond quirky. We always laugh when we find out she’s taken a few pieces of silverware from Long John Silver’s, or those cute mini ketchup and mustard bottles from The Fish Hut. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. Stealing is stealing, and it’s obvious Bea doesn’t realize that’s exactly what she’s doing,” Roz said.

  “Don’t you think her bad behavior has gotten worse lately?” I asked.

  “Yes, and she’s getting cranky,” Roz said.

  “Can I change the subject and ask a question? Tell me about Al, and did he have a swimsuit on or not?” Sylvia asked.

  Chapter 28

  All Hell Broke Loose!

  We went back home for some lunch and to check on Max.

  “Hot damn! I can’t believe how incredibly hot it is down here in April! I’m still wearing a jacket back in Pittsburgh!” Judy said, fanning herself.

  “You get used to it. I doubt Roz and I could go back to cold weather.”

  “Grab Max, Joanie, let’s stop by Ida and McGhee’s. I want you two to meet them. They’re coming to dinner Thursday night,” Roz said.

  We knocked on Ida and McGhee’s door. Ida answered with a sweet smile on her face.

  “Are these your friends who are visiting? Come in, come in,” Ida said as she ushered us into the living room. McGhee came up the hall and joined us.

  As I looked around, I could see Ida and McGhee had gotten pictures hung and knick-knacks placed. The pictures of their children and grandchildren were beautiful.

  “These are gorgeous pictures of your families,” I said.

  “My granddaughter, LoLo, is a professional photographer. I just talked to her yesterday. She’s coming for a visit soon to take some pictures of me and Ida in our new home.”

  “She’s very talented and has a great eye for portraiture. I’m sorry, where are my manners. Ida and McGhee, we would like for you to meet our friends, Sylvia and Judy,” I said.

  “Any friends of yours are friends of ours. I don’t know what we would have done without their help and support since we’ve been here,” McGh
ee said.

  “That goes both ways, McGhee. You know Roz and I enjoy our time with you two as well.”

  “Have you had any other problems with your clothesline?” Roz asked.

  “Yes, and no. We found a note in our mailbox this morning. The only words on it were I’m sorry,” McGhee said.

  “My word, this gets stranger and stranger,” Roz said.

  “What’s going on with your clothesline?” Sylvia asked.

  “Someone is vandalizing our clothesline and putting ugly signs up in our yard. We don’t know what to make of it all,” Ida said as she brought glasses of iced tea to everyone.

  “Now, that’s a situation that boggles the mind. What the hell is going on around here? Drugs, kleptos, an erotic book club, and now someone messing with a clothesline! And you have no idea who has been doing this?” Judy asked.

  “We think it’s the crotchety old man across the street, but we can’t prove it,” McGhee said.