I pray for princess décor, but at her age now, I will probably be stuck with some shit like boy band nonsense. I smile with hope that I will find my Willow. I’m comforted knowing Blue will never get in my way. He will never hurt my daughter. I may have done it to protect myself at that rash moment, but my daughter will forever be safe because of my own actions. Selfish, brave, or criminal, I am okay with it. All because of my Willow.
“Thank you, Chrome. Thank you for being so good to me.”
I have nothing else I can say. What is left to be said between us? Love is reckless and impulsive. He may have slipped up with the endearment, but I won't be returning it anytime soon. I love him with everything within me. His sacrifices for me confirmed that. I can't wait for the opportunity in the distant future to tell him. The very fucking distant future.
“Anything for my baby girl.” Anything for me. Starburst fucking Bloom.
Family Secrets
“Starburst, it is so good to see you.” My father wraps his arms around me, pulling me tight against his chest. I can't remember the last time I laid eyes on him, but he’s aged pretty badly. His shoulder length hair is white; not a hint of grey peeks through. A bald spot is starting to form in the back, although he hides it pretty well with his ponytail. His bright blue eyes still shine like mine used to. The only thing I got from him.
My mother speaks her greeting, but remains far cooler. She has always kept her distance from her children. Once we were off her tit, it was every man for themselves. She looks impeccable for her age. I always thought drugs were supposed to make you look worse. I know they fucked with me.
The house is an upgrade from everything I had the opportunity to live in growing up with these damn people. It’s still a far cry from stable, but at least it doesn't have fucking wheels. The brown shag carpet is outdated and dingy. The walls are nicotine stained, yellowing under what I assume was white paint at one point in time. The entertainment center is something out of a 1960’s episode of Leave it to Beaver.
Journey sits across the room in a round papasan chair, thumbing through her cell phone. The phone I fucking pay for. Couldn't she at least say hello? Why act like she hasn't spent any time with me at all?
“Who is your friend, Starburst?” Seven's mother nods in Chrome’s direction, and I immediately wish I hadn't brought him.
“This is my boyfriend, Chrome.” For the first time I introduce him as more than someone I’m just fucking. I don't know if I should be scared shitless or elated; my body sure feels a little bit of each.
He extends his arm and formally introduces himself to everyone in the room. Journey completely ignores him. Something is off with her, and I want to know what it is. She won't make eye contact at all. I want to chalk it up to being a typical teenager, but I know her better than that.
“Well, since Seven isn't coming, I guess we can get started.”
My mother plops down on the couch between Seven's mother and my father. Her fingers lace between each of their hands and she takes a deep breath like the weight of the world rests on her shoulders. I’m expecting a declaration of cancer or some kind of death sentence. She would be dramatic enough to need a center stage performance for something like that, even though I don't give a rat’s ass about her.
“Star, eleven years ago, we made the worst mistake of our lives.” My heart drops into my stomach and the room starts to spin. Eleven years ago. I was pregnant, very pregnant.
“We thought we were doing the right thing when Raine and Jeff adopted Willow.” I don't want to hear this. I don't want her excuses. I don't want her giving herself a pat on the back for the worst thing she has ever done to me.
“I know that hurt you, Star. I didn't think about it at the time; we were all so selfish. We had gone years raising you children and then there was another baby on the way. We wanted to move on with our lives, not end up raising your daughter, too.” Yup, way to add fucking insult to injury.
“No one ever fucking asked you to raise Willow. I could have done it all on my own. God knows you all fucked us up enough as kids. I wanted better for my daughter, but you didn't give me the chance!” I’m starting to get worked up. I didn't want to come here for a fucking confrontation or to talk about the past. I start to stand from the couch with every intention of leaving. Walking out the door and never giving these assholes the time of day again.
“Five years ago, they were killed. They had no next of kin. Willow...” she pauses and corrects herself, “Magnolia had no place to go. She was going to be put in state care and we couldn't let that happen. So your father and I stepped in with Joni and Colt.” What. The. Fuck? This has got to be some kind of a sick fucking joke. My body collapses back against the couch as my legs give out from under me.
“Honey, we want you to meet someone.” Is this fucking for real? They are talking, but whatever they are saying makes absolutely no sense to me. Please tell me this is all some kind of mistake.
Chrome laces his fingers through mine, squeezing my hand as if he knows exactly what is coming. I squeeze back, but my grip on his hand doesn't loosen a bit. I blink the tears back repeatedly, begging my body not to betray me, not to shed the tears I can feel burning in my eyes.
A little girl walks out from a bedroom door adjacent to the living room. She has beautiful, long blonde hair, parted down the middle and braided into pigtails. Her eyes are a gorgeous shade of blue and those chubby cheeks I have dreamed about all these years are still there. Her face is round and flawless. Her lips are plump just like mine; I can see myself as a little girl in her. There is little of her father in her. She might as well be a damn carbon copy of myself.
“Starburst, we want you to meet Magnolia Star Bloom, your daughter. We call her Maggie for short.”
My heart skips a beat. They changed her name. I would have never been able to find her on my own. They brought her to me. Something I never expected. Not in a fucking million years. They always did their damnedest to keep her away from me, and now here they are, handing her over to me. At least I hope they are, because if not, I will be giving them the fight of a fucking lifetime. No one is going to take her away from me ever again.
I let go of Chrome’s hand and run across the small room. Everything happens in slow motion. I open my arms and she crashes against my chest. Her arms wrap around my waist and squeeze me tight. I kiss the top of her head as I hold her just as tight as she holds me.
“I've been looking for you. God, you are really here.”
I pull back enough to memorize every detail of her perfect face. Tears pour from my eyes, and her sparkling blue eyes flood to match mine. We hold each other as we cry, and I pray I don't lose my baby girl again. Ever.
“Do you want to come live with me, Magnolia?” I hold my breath, and pray she is as desperate to be with me as I am to be with her.
“That’s what we want to talk to you about, Star,” my mother interjects, and I feel like someone just stabbed me in the chest.
“I won't let you take her from me again.” Magnolia pulls out of my arms, and I turn to my mother. “You kept her from me for almost eleven years. I will not miss another day.” I try to be as stern as I can, when my entire body feels like crumbling. They wouldn't take her from me again. Would they?
“We are leaving Woodstock. You know, we gotta keep on truckin' and we don't think it would be fair to take Magnolia with us. Her life is here. We actually did right by her. She is in school, and she is brilliant. We don't want to mess that up. God knows we fucked up so much with you girls.”
Understatement of the fucking century right there. I love and hate them all at the same time. I love them for rescuing her from foster care. I love them for finally bringing her to me, even after all of these years. I hate them for forcing me to give her up when she was a baby. I hate them for wasting the last five years of my life not telling them.
“You knew, all this time.” I look at Journey, and she still can't make eye contact with me. I am hurt and humiliated. She kne
w all this time and yet never had the guts to stand up to our parents and tell me the truth. She has lived in the same house with them and watched my daughter grow up, without saying a word to me.
“I didn't want to keep this secret from you, Star.” Bullshit; if I knew something like this, I would have moved heaven and earth to tell my sister. I want to yell at her, to berate her in front of everyone, until I remember that my daughter is standing next to me. The little girl I have been searching for. The piece of me I never wanted to walk away from.
“I'm sorry, Magnolia. I am so sorry I missed out on so much.” I push the lone strand of hair out of her face, and she smiles at me. She is quiet and shy. Just like I was once upon a time. So many minor details about her remind me of myself as a little girl, or maybe that is just the way I want to remember myself before I was put through the wringer.
“It's not your fault... Mom.” Her voice is quiet, but beyond beautiful. She sounds like an angel. I pray that she believes what she said. I hope she can forgive me for all the time that I missed. “I will come with you. I want to.”
The blind trust is enough to make my heart burst. I vow I will never let her down. I would rather die a thousand deaths than hurt her in any way.
I pull her in, squeezing her tight again. I don't want to let go. I’m afraid I will wake up and this will all be one big dream. Then again, I could’ve never dreamed up exactly how fucked up my own parents would be. Keeping her from me without any regard for her well-being or my feelings.
“Magnolia, I don't have a house right now. I have a motel room. But my home should be done soon. It is really neat. It used to be an old cabin I dreamed of as a little girl. You can decorate your room anyway you want.” I smile as I think about her decorating one of the massive bedrooms in the spacious house.
“I get my own room?” Her face brightens and I see the first genuine smile since I walked into my parents’ shit box of a house. I wipe my tear stained face and turn to Chrome. He sits attentively on the couch wearing a blinding smile. If I didn't know better, I’d think I see the hint of a tear in the corner of his eye.
“You get anything you want from here on out, kiddo. Anything at all.” I have so much time to make up for, and there is nothing I wouldn't give her. Not a damn thing.
“Star, why don't we let Magnolia and your mom spend a little time together, and we can hash out the details of her coming with you?” My father’s words catch me off guard, but I think it is a good idea. I don't want Magnolia, or Maggie, exposed to whatever kind of argument the discussion may become. I want her protected from everything.
“Mind if I join you?” Chrome’s voice comes from behind me, and I am torn. He is really a major part of my life, but I think it is way too soon to involve him in major decisions with Magnolia. I would never ask the same of him when it came to Scarlett.
“Just for support, Star.” He reaches his hand out and squeezes mine. His touch calms me, giving me the strength I know I’m going to need. Thankfully, I will be handling it with my father, someone who wasn't as much of a shit bag when I was growing up.
“That is fine.” I give him the little bit of a smile I can conjure up. I should be jumping for joy, but until my daughter is in my car, leaving this place with me, I will remain guarded.
We walk into the dated kitchen and sit around a wicker kitchen table. The walls are just as stained in here as they are in the living room. I want to bitch that this is no place for a child to be raised, but could I have provided more over the years? Would Willow have been a victim of my drug use, and whatever colorful behavior I brought home with me on more than one occasion? Maybe things truly worked out the way they were meant to. I shove my own personal judgment to the side and pay attention to my dad.
“We’re leaving on Sunday. A motel isn't the ideal place for you two to live, but it will have to do for the time being, Star.” Before I can say anything about them completely dumping her like a piece of trash, Chrome takes charge of the situation.
“Neither of them is returning to that motel. They are staying with me and my daughter until the house is finished. Simple as that.”
I turn to face him, and I know there isn't room for discussion on this topic. I think about all the pros and cons of spending that time together, but having Magnolia adjust to my parents leaving with Scarlett's company may just be the best possible transition. Seeing as Scarlett and Magnolia are around the same age, the question plagues me. Does Chrome know my baby girl?
“Did you...” I pause, looking for words that won't offend him, but I don't have to finish my question before he knows what I am trying to ask.
“Scarlett and Magnolia are in the same class. Had I known all of this, I would have done something about it long ago. I'm sorry, Star.” Here is this big fucking biker guy, looking as though he wants to cry for me. I want to smile, but I can't. I want to wrap my arms around him, but I don't. I just leave it be. There will be a time and place for us to have this heart-to-heart without my father involved.
“She can spend one last night here. I will be back in the morning to pick her up. Please make sure she packs everything. I don't want her forced to leave anything more than she already has to behind. I know how shitty it can feel, since I was forced to so many times as a girl.”
I wrap my arms around my baby girl after we’re done, giving her all the love I hold in my body, and I promise her I will be back bright and early in the morning to start our new lives together. It all feels like a dream and I pray that, when I wake up tomorrow morning, life will still be as fucking wonderful as it is right this minute.
When she is safely out of the room, I feel the rage burn through my body.
“Don't you even fucking walk out of this room. Turn your fucking pathetic asses around and face the fucking music for once in your fucking lives,” I yell in my parents’ direction. They freeze in place, slowly turning around. I can feel the heat radiating off of my face as my temper boils over. I just can't hold it all back anymore. It has been stuck here for far too long.
“All these years. All these fucking years,” I mumble under my breath while staring at the floor, unable to meet their eyes. “First, you don't protect me from that monster. I tried to tell you over and over again, but you fucking ignored me. You ignored your fucking eight-year-old child telling you something was wrong. I was eight!”
“Star, that is why we didn't invite him here tonight.” My mother's voice is a mere whisper, but I can still make out every single word. Didn't invite him? So that fucking makes it okay somehow?
“Did he know? Did he fucking know my daughter was here with you? Did he fucking see her? Did he fucking spend time with her?” I swear on everything that is holy in this world they better answer no. They better not have allowed that monster anywhere near my fucking angel.
“Star, you are being irrational. He made a mistake.” A mistake that lasted for almost two fucking decades? I don't think so. Mistakes are a one-time thing.
“Did he?” I scream. I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes again. If there is a God at all in this world, they will say no.
“He knew Magnolia was his daughter, but he wasn't around often enough to spend time with her.” My father's words do nothing but piss me off even more.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I pace back and forth across the room. I want to punch something. I need to fucking break something. I spy a picture frame in the corner of the room, and as I pass by it, I pick it up and chuck it right at my mother's head. She jumps and it narrowly makes contact with her before smashing into pieces against the wall.
“How fucking stupid could you be? All those years I told you what he did to me. All those years you ignored my pleas for help. Then you are stupid enough to leave him alone with her. I will never fucking forgive you, I can tell you that.” My chest heaves as I struggle to catch my breath. Chrome's hand holds tightly onto my waist, keeping me steady on my feet while I unload years of hate for them.
“I can fuckin
g guarantee you two fucking things.” My voice starts low and gets louder with every word. “You better say your goodbyes, because you are never going to get the opportunity to see my daughter ever again. As for her father, she will be safe. He will never hurt her the way he hurt me. Never. I can fucking promise you that!”
I don't want to give them another day of her life. I don't want to leave without my daughter, but instead of considering my parents’ happiness, I try to tell myself this last night is what Magnolia needs. These are the people who have raised her for the last five years.
I turn and walk out the door without looking back. Did that really just happen?
“So you mean to tell me, for the past five years, she has lived with our parents, and nobody had the fucking common decency to tell you until they wanted to dump her on you and return to their own fucking pathetic lives?” Seven's voice pierces my eardrum through the phone line. Pissed would have been the way to describe her before I told her what our parents conspired to do. Now that she knows, I am pretty sure she wants to kill them and then piss on their bodies. Not that I would object to that.
“Yeah, that is exactly what they did. All these years. They finally gave up their facade when I rolled into town with the mission of finding her. Journey has been in on it for years. I don't think I am ever going to be able to get over what she did to me. I expected it from them, but her? Not one bit.”
I use Seven as my own personal therapist, but I also know that, once the dust settles, I am going to start seeing someone professionally. I need to, not just for me to move on with everything in my life, but so I can be a good mother to this little girl who depends on me now.
“I wanted to talk to you about some things, Star.” I’ve never liked the sound of that. Anytime she starts to get serious, I freak out. I know I have done her wrong so many times, but I just want to put it in our past.
Finding Willow (Hers) Page 16
