The thunders of eloquence being hushed, flashes of lightning, or, as the vulgar say, ‘glasses of gin,’ gleamed about. Good old Mr Bags stuck, however, to his blue ruin, and Attie to the bottle of bingo: some, among whom were Clifford and the wise Augustus, called for wine; and Clifford, who exerted himself to the utmost in supporting the gay duties of his station, took care that the song should vary the pleasures of the bowl. Of the songs we have only been enabled to preserve two. The first is by Long Ned; and, though we confess we can see but little in it, yet (perhaps from some familiar allusion or another, with which we are necessarily unacquainted) it produced a prodigious sensation, – it ran thus: –
THE ROGUE’S RECIPE
Your honest fool a rogue to make,
As great as can be seen, sir, –
Two hackney’d rogues you first must take,
Then place your fool between, sir.
Virtue’s a dunghill cock, ashamed
Of self when pair’d with game ones;
And wildest elephants are tamed
If stuck betwixt two tame ones.
The other effusion with which we have the honour to favour our readers is a very amusing duet which took place between Fighting Attie and a tall thin robber, who was a dangerous fellow in a mob, and was therefore called Mobbing Francis; it was commenced by the latter: –
MOBBING FRANCIS:
The best of all robbers as ever I know’d,
Is the bold Fighting Attie, the pride of the road! –
Fighting Attie, my hero, I saw you today
A purse full of yellow boys seize;
And as, just at present, I’m low in the lay,
I’ll borrow a quid, if you please.
Oh! bold Fighting Attie – the knowing – the natty –
By us all it must sure be confest,
Though your shoppers and snobbers are pretty good robbers,
A soldier is always the best.
FIGHTING ATTIE:
Stubble your whids,*
You wants to trick I.
Lend you my quids?
Not one, by Dickey.
MOBBING FRANCIS:
Oh, what a beast is a niggardly ruffler,
Nabbing – grabbing all for himself;
Hang it, old fellow, I’ll hit you a muffler,
Since you won’t give me a pinch of the pelf.
You has not a heart for the general distress,–
You cares not a mag if our party should fall,
And if Scarlet Jem were not good at a press,
By Goles, it would soon be all up with us all! –
Oh, Scarlet Jem, he is trusty and trim,
Like his wig to his poll, sticks his conscience to him;
But I vows I despises the fellow who prizes
More his own ends than the popular stock, sir;
And the soldier as bones for himself and his crones,
Should be boned like a traitor himself at the block, sir.
This severe response of Mobbing Francis’s did not in the least ruffle the constitutional calmness of Fighting Attie; but the wary Clifford, seeing that Francis had lost his temper, and watchful over the least sign of disturbance among the company, instantly called for another song, and Mobbing Francis sullenly knocked down Old Bags.
The night was far gone, and so were the wits of the honest tax-gatherers; when the president commanded silence, and the convivialists knew that their chief was about to issue forth the orders for the ensuing term. Nothing could be better timed than such directions, – during merriment, and before oblivion.
‘Gentlemen!’ said the captain, ‘I will now, with your leave, impart to you all the plans I have formed for each. You, Attie, shall repair to London: be the Windsor road and the purlieus of Pimlico your especial care. Look you, my hero, to these letters; they will apprise you of much work: I need not caution you to silence. Like the oyster, you never open your mouth but for something. – Honest Old Bags, a rich grazier will be in Smithfield on Thursday; his name is Hodges, and he will have somewhat like a thousand pounds in his pouch. He is green, fresh, and avaricious; offer to assist him in defrauding his neighbours in a bargain, and cease not till thou hast done that with him which he wished to do to others. Be – excellent old man, – like the frog-fish, which fishes for other fishes with two horns that resemble baits; the prey dart at the horns, and are down the throat in an instant! – For thee, dearest Jem, these letters announce a prize: – fat is Parson Pliant! Full is his purse; and he rides from Henley to Oxford on Friday – I need say no more! As for the rest of you, gentlemen, on this paper you will see your destinations fixed. I warrant you, ye will find enough work till we meet again this day three months hence. Myself, Augustus Tomlinson, and Ned Pepper, remain at Bath; we have business in hand, gentlemen, of paramount importance; should you by accident meet us, never acknowledge us – we are incog.; striking at high game, and putting on falcon’s plumes to do it in character – you understand; but this accident can scarcely occur for none of you will remain at Bath; by tomorrow night, may the road receive you. And now, gentlemen, speed the glass, and I’ll give you a sentiment by way of a spur to it: – “Much sweeter than honey / Is other men’s money!”’
Our hero’s maxim was received with all the enthusiasm which agreeable truisms usually create. And old Mr Bags rose to address the chair; unhappily for the edification of the audience, the veteran’s foot slipped before he had proceeded farther than ‘Mr President,’ and he fell to the earth with a sort of reel: – ‘Like shooting stars he fell to rise no more!’
His body became a capital footstool for the luxurious Pepper. Now Augustus Tomlinson and Clifford, exchanging looks, took every possible pains to promote the hilarity of the evening; and, before the third hour of morning had sounded, they had the satisfaction of witnessing the effects of their benevolent labours in the prostrate forms of all their companions. Long Ned, naturally more capacious than the rest, succumbed the last.
‘As leaves of trees,’ said the chairman, waving his hand, – ‘“As leaves of trees the race of man is found, / Now fresh with dew, now withering on the ground.”’
‘Well said, my Hector of Highways,’ cried Tomlinson; and then helping himself to the wine, while he employed his legs in removing the supine forms of Scarlet Jem and Long Ned, he continued the Homeric quotation, with a pompous and self-gratulatory tone: – ‘“So flourish these when those have passed away!”’
‘We managed to get rid of our friends – ’ began Clifford.
‘Like Whigs in place,’ interrupted the politician.
‘Right, Tomlinson, thanks to the milder properties of our drink, and, perchance, to the stronger qualities of our heads; and now tell me, my friend, what think you of our chance of success? Shall we catch an heiress or not?’
‘Why really,’ said Tomlinson, ‘women are like those calculations in arithmetic, which one can never bring to an exact account; for my part, I shall stuff my calves, and look out for a widow. You, my good fellow, seem to stand a fair chance with Miss –’
‘Oh, name her not!’ cried Clifford, colouring, even through the flush which wine had spread over his countenance. ‘Ours are not the lips by which her name should be breathed; and faith, when I think of her, I do it anonymously.’
‘What, have you ever thought of her before this evening?’
‘Yes, for months,’ answered Clifford. ‘You remember some time ago, when we formed the plan for robbing Lord Mauleverer, how, rather for frolic than profit, you robbed Dr Slopperton, of Warlock, while I compassionately walked home with the old gentleman. Well, at the parson’s house, I met Miss Brandon; – mind, if I speak of her by name, you must not; and, by Heaven! – But I won’t swear. – I accompanied her home. You know, before morning we robbed Lord Mauleverer; the affair made a noise, and I feared to endanger you all if I appeared in the vicinity of the robbery. Since then, business diverted my thoughts; we formed the plan of trying a matrimonial speculation at Bath. I came hither – guess
my surprise at seeing her –’
‘And your delight,’ added Tomlinson, ‘at hearing she is as rich as she is pretty.’
‘No!’ answered Clifford, quickly. ‘That thought gives me no pleasure – you stare. I will try and explain. You know, dear Tomlinson, I’m not much of a canter, and yet my heart shrinks when I look on that innocent face, and hear that soft, happy voice, and think that my love to her can be only ruin and disgrace; nay, that my very address is contamination, and, my very glance towards her an insult.’
‘Hey-day!’ quoth Tomlinson. ‘Have you been under my instructions, and learned the true value of words? And can you have any scruples left on so easy a point of conscience? True, you may call your representing yourself to her as an unprofessional gentleman, and so winning her affections, deceit; but why call it deceit when a “genius for intrigue” is so much neater a phrase: in like manner, by marrying the young lady, if you say you have ruined her, you justly deserve to be annihilated; but why not say you have “saved yourself,” and then, my dear fellow, you will have done the most justifiable thing in the world.’
‘Pish, man!’ said Clifford, peevishly. ‘None of thy sophisms and sneers!’
‘By the soul of Sir Edward Coke, I am serious! – But look you, my friend, this is not a matter where it is convenient to have a tender-footed conscience. You see these fellows on the ground! – All d—d clever, and so forth; but you and I are of a different order. I have had a classical education, seen the world, and mixed in decent society; you, too, had not been long a member of our club, before you distinguished yourself above us all. Fortune smiled on your youthful audacity. You grew particular in horses and dress, frequented public haunts, and being a deuced good-looking fellow, with an inborn air of gentility, and some sort of education, you became sufficiently well received to acquire, in a short time, the manner and tone of a – what shall I say, – a gentleman, and the taste to like suitable associates. This is my case too! Despite our labours for the public weal, the ungrateful dogs see that we are above them; a single envious breast is sufficient to give us to the hangman; we have agreed that we are in danger, we have agreed to make an honourable retreat! We cannot do so without money; you know the vulgar distich among our set. Nothing can be truer: – “Hanging is ’nation / More nice than starvation!” You will not carry off some of the common stock, though I think you justly might, considering how much you have put into it. What, then, shall we do? Work we cannot! Beg we will not! And, between you and me, we are cursedly extravagant! What remains but marriage?’
‘It is true!’ said Clifford, with a half sigh.
‘You may well sigh, my good fellow; marriage is a lackadaisical proceeding at best; but there is no resource: and now, when you have got a liking to a young lady who is as rich as a she-Crœsus, and so gilded the pill as bright as a lord mayor’s coach, what the devil have you to do with scruples?’
Clifford made no answer, and there was a long pause; perhaps he would not have spoken so frankly as he had done, if the wine had not opened his heart.
‘How proud,’ renewed Tomlinson, ‘the good old matron at Thames Court would be if you marry a lady! You have not seen her lately?’
‘Not for years,’ answered our hero. ‘Poor old soul! I believe that she is well in health, and I take care that she should not be poor in pocket.’
‘But why not visit her? Perhaps, like all great men, especially of a liberal turn of mind, you are ashamed of old friends, eh?’
‘My good fellow, is that like me? Why, you know the beaux of our set look askance on me for not keeping up my dignity, robbing only in company with well-dressed gentlemen, and swindling under the name of a lord’s nephew; no, my reasons are these: – first, you must know, that the old dame had set her heart on my turning out an honest man.’
‘And so you have!’ interrupted Augustus. ‘Honest to your party: what more would you have from either prig or politician?’
‘I believe,’ continued Clifford, not heeding the interruption, ‘that my poor mother, before she died, desired that I might be reared honestly; and, strange as it may seem to you, Dame Lobkins is a conscientious woman in her own way – it is not her fault if I have turned out as I have done. Now I know well that it would grieve her to the quick to see me what I am. Secondly, my friend, under my new names, various as they are, – Jackson and Howard, Russell and Pigwiggin, Villiers and Gotobed, Cavendish and Solomons, – you may well suppose that the good persons in the neighbourhood of Thames Court have no suspicion that the adventurous and accomplished ruffler, at present captain of this district, under the new appellation of Lovett, is in reality no other than the obscure and surnameless Paul of the Mug. Now you and I, Augustus, have read human nature, though in the black letter; and I know well that were I to make my appearance in Thames Court, and were the old lady – (as she certainly would, not from unkindness, but insobriety, not that she loves me less, but heavy wet more) – to divulge the secret of that appearance –’
‘You know well,’ interrupted the vivacious Tomlinson, ‘that the identity of your former meanness with your present greatness would be easily traced; the envy and jealousy of your early friends aroused; a hint of your whereabouts and aliases given to the police, and yourself grabbed, with a slight possiblity of a hempen consummation.’
‘You conceive me exactly!’ answered Clifford. ‘The fact is, that I have observed in nine cases out of ten our bravest fellows have been taken off by the treachery of some early sweetheart or the envy of some boyish friend. My destiny is not yet fixed; I am worthy of better things than a ride in the cart with a nosegay in my hand; and though I care not much about death in itself, I am resolved, if possible, not to die a highwayman: hence my caution, and that prudential care for secrecy and safe asylums, which men, less wise than you, have so often thought an unnatural contrast to my conduct on the road.’
‘Fools!’ said the philosophical Tomlinson. ‘What has the bravery of a warrior to do with his insuring his house from fire?’
‘However,’ said Clifford, ‘I send my good nurse a fine gift every now and then to assure her of my safety; and thus, notwithstanding my absence, I show my affection by my presents; – excuse a pun.’
‘And have you never been detected by any of your quondam associates?’
‘Never! – Remember in what a much more elevated sphere of life I have been thrown; and who could recognize the scamp Paul with a fustian jacket in gentleman Paul with a laced waistcoat? Besides, I have diligently avoided every place where I was likely to encounter those who saw me in childhood. You know how little I frequent flash houses, and how scrupulous I am in admitting new confederates into our band; you and Pepper are the only two of my associates – (save my protégé, as you express it, who never deserts the cave) – that possess a knowledge of my identity with the lost Paul; and as ye have both taken that dread oath to silence, which to disobey, until, indeed, I be in the gaol or on the gibbet, is almost to be assassinated, I consider my secret is little likely to be broken, save with my own consent.’
‘True,’ said Augustus, nodding; ‘one more glass, and to bed, Mr Chairman.’
‘I pledge you, my friend; our last glass shall be philanthropically quaffed: – “All fools, and may their money soon be parted!”’
‘All fools!’ cried Tomlinson, filling a bumper; ‘but I quarrel with the wisdom of your toast; – may fools be rich, and rogues will never be poor! I would make a better livelihood of a rich fool than a landed estate.’
So saying, the contemplative and ever-sagacious Tomlinson tossed off his bumper; and the pair, having kindly rolled by pedal applications the body of Long Ned into a safe and quiet corner of the room, mounted the stairs, arm-in-arm, in search of somnambular accommodations.
Chapter XVII
That contrast of the hardened and mature,
The calm brow brooding o’er the project dark,
With the clear loving heart, and spirit pure
Of youth – I love – yet, hating
, love to mark!
H. Fletcher
On the forenoon of the day after the ball, the carriage of William Brandon, packed and prepared, was at the door of his abode at Bath; meanwhile, the lawyer was closeted with his brother. ‘My dear Joseph,’ said the barrister, ‘I do not leave you without being fully sensible of your kindness evinced to me, both in coming hither, contrary to your habits, and accompanying me everywhere, despite of your tastes.’
‘Mention it not, my dear William,’ said the kindhearted squire, ‘for your delightful society is to me the most agreeable – and that’s what I can say of very few people like you; for, for my own part, I generally find the cleverest men the most unpleasant – in the world! And I think lawyers in particular – very different, indeed, from your tribe you are! – perfectly intolerable!’
‘I have, now,’ said Brandon, who with his usual nervous quickness of action was walking with rapid strides to and fro in the apartment, and scarcely noted his brother’s compliment – ‘I have now another favour to request of you. – Consider this house and these servants yours, for the next month or two at least. Don’t interrupt me – it is no compliment – I speak for our family benefit.’ And then seating himself next to his brother’s arm-chair, for a fit of the gout made the squire a close prisoner, Brandon unfolded to his brother his cherished scheme of marrying Lucy to Lord Mauleverer. Not withstanding the constancy of the earl’s attentions to the heiress, the honest squire had never dreamt of their palpable object; and he was overpowered with surprise when he heard the lawyer’s expectations.
‘But, my dear brother,’ he began, ‘so great a match for my Lucy, the Lord-Lieutenant of the Coun –’
‘And what of that?’ cried Brandon proudly, and interrupting his brother. ‘Is not the race of Brandon, which has matched its scions with royalty, far nobler than that of the upstart stock of Mauleverer? – What is there presumptuous in the hope that the descendant of the Earls of Suffolk should regild a faded name with some of the precious dust of the quondam silversmiths of London? – Besides,’ he continued, after a pause, ‘Lucy will be rich – very rich – and before two years my rank may possibly be of the same order as Mauleverer’s!’
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