Paul Clifford

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton

  The cavern, originally hollowed by nature, owed but little to the decorations of art: nevertheless, the roughness of the walls was concealed by a rude but comfortable arras of matting: four or five of such seats as the robbers themselves could construct were drawn around a small but bright wood fire, which, as there was no chimney, spread a thin volume of smoke over the apartment. The height of the cave, added to the universal reconciler – custom – prevented, however, this evil from being seriously unpleasant; and, indeed, like the tenants of an Irish cabin, perhaps the inmates attached a degree of comfort to a circumstance which was coupled with their dearest household associations. A table, formed of a board coarsely planed, and supported by four legs of irregular size, made equal by the introduction of blocks or wedges between the legs and the floor, stood warming its uncouth self by the fire. At one corner, a covered cart made a conspicuous article of furniture, no doubt useful either in conveying plunder or provisions; beside the wheels were carelessly thrown two or three coarse carpenter’s tools, and the more warlike utilities of a blunderbuss, a rifle, and two broad-swords. In the other corner was an open cupboard, containing rows of pewter platters, mugs, &c. Opposite the fire-place, which was to the left of the entrance, an excavation had been turned into a dormitory; and fronting the entrance was a pair of broad, strong, wooden steps, ascending to a large hollow about eight feet from the ground. This was the entrance to the stables; and as soon as their owners released the reins of the horses, the docile animals proceeded one by one leisurely up the steps, in the manner of quadrupeds educated at the public seminary of Astley’s, and disappeared within the aperture.

  These steps, when drawn up – which, however, from their extreme clumsiness, required the united strength of two ordinary men, and was not that instantaneous work which it should have been, – made the place above a tolerably strong hold, for the wall was perfectly perpendicular and level, and it was only by placing his hands upon the ledge, and so lifting himself gymnastically upward, that an active assailant could have reached the eminence; a work which defenders equally active, it may easily be supposed, would not be likely to allow.

  This upper cave – for our robbers paid more attention to their horses than themselves, as the nobler animals of the two species – was evidently fitted up with some labour. The stalls were rudely divided, the litter of dry fern was clean, troughs were filled with oats, and a large tub had been supplied from a pond at a little distance. A cart-harness, and some old waggoners’ frocks, were fixed on pegs to the wall. While at the far end of these singular stables was a door strongly barred, and only just large enough to admit the body of a man. The confederates had made it an express law never to enter their domain by this door, or to use it, except for the purpose of escape, should the cave ever be attacked; in which case, while one or two defended the entrance from the inner cave, another might unbar the door, and as it opened upon the thickest part of the wood, through which with great ingenuity a labyrinthine path had been cut, not easily tracked by ignorant pursuers, these precautions of the highwaymen had provided a fair hope of at least a temporary escape from any invading enemies.

  Such were the domestic arrangements of the Red Cave and it will be conceded that at least some skill had been shown in the choice of the spot, if there were a lack of taste in its adornments.

  While the horses were performing their nightly ascent, our three heroes, after securing the door, made at once to the fire. And there, O reader, they were greeted in welcome by one, – an old and revered acquaintance of thine, – whom in such a scene it will equally astound and wound thee to re-behold.

  Know, then, – but first we will describe to thee the occupation and the garb of the august personage to whom we allude. Bending over a large gridiron, daintily bespread with steaks of the fatted rump, the INDIVIDUAL stood; with his right arm bared above the elbow, and his right hand grasping that mimic trident known unto gastronomers by the monosyllable ‘fork.’ His wigless head was adorned with a cotton nightcap. His upper vestment was discarded, and a whitish apron flowed gracefully down his middle man. His stockings were ungartered, and permitted between the knee and the calf interesting glances of the rude carnal. One list shoe and one of leathern manufacture cased his ample feet. Enterprise, or the noble glow of his present culinary profession, spread a yet rosier blush over a countenance early tinged by generous libations, and from beneath the curtain of his pallid eyelashes his large and rotund orbs gleamed dazzlingly on the newcomers. Such, O reader, was the aspect and the occupation of the venerable man whom we have long since taught thee to admire; such – alas for the mutabilities of earth! – was – a new chapter only can contain the name.

  Chapter XXVII

  Caliban: – Hast thou not dropped from Heaven?

  The Tempest

  PETER MAC GRAWLER ! ! ! ! !

  Chapter XXVIII

  God bless our King and Parliament,

  And send he may make such knaves repent!

  Loyal Songs against the Rump Parliament

  Ho, treachery! My guards, my cimeter!

  Byron

  When the irreverent Mr Pepper had warmed his hands sufficiently to be able to transfer them from the fire, he lifted the right palm, and, with an indecent jocularity of spirits, accosted the ci-devant ornament of the Asinæum with a sounding slap on his back – or some such part of his conformation.

  ‘Ah, old boy!’ said he, ‘is this the way you keep house for us? A fire not large enough to roast a nit, and a supper too small to fatten him beforehand! But how the deuce should you know how to provender for gentlemen? You thought you were in Scotland, I’ll be bound!’

  ‘Perhaps he did, when he looked upon you, Ned!’ said Tomlinson, gravely. ‘’Tis but rarely out of Scotland that a man can see so big a rogue in so little a compass!’

  Mr Mac Grawler, into whose eyes the palmistry of Long Ned had brought tears of sincere feeling, and who had hitherto been rubbing the afflicted part, now grumbled forth, –

  ‘You may say what you please, Mr Pepper, but it is not often in my country that men of genius are seen performing the part of cook to robbers!’

  ‘No!’ quoth Tomlinson, ‘they are performing the more profitable part of robbers to cooks, eh!’

  ‘Dammee, you’re out,’ cried Long Ned; ‘for in that country, there are either no robbers, because there is nothing to rob; or the inhabitants are all robbers, who have plundered one another, and made away with the booty!’

  ‘May the de’il catch thee!’ said Mac Grawler, stung to the quick, – for, like all Scots, he was a patriot; much on the same principle as a woman who has the worst children makes the best mother.

  ‘The de’il!’ said Ned, mimicking the ‘silver sound,’ as Sir W. Scott has been pleased facetiously to call the ‘mountain tongue,’ – the Scots in general seem to think it is silver, they keep it so carefully. ‘The de’il – Mac Deil, you mean, – sure the gentleman must have been a Scotchman!’

  The sage grinned in spite; but remembering the patience of Epictetus when a slave, and mindful also of the strong arm of Long Ned, he curbed his temper, and turned the beefsteaks with his fork.

  ‘Well, Ned,’ said Augustus, throwing himself into a chair which he drew to the fire, while he gently patted the huge limbs of Mr Pepper, as if to admonish him that they were not so transparent as glass – ‘let us look at the fire; and, by the by, it is your turn to see to the horses.’

  ‘Plague on it!’ cried Ned, ‘it is always my turn, I think. Holla, you Scot of the pot! Can’t you prove that I groomed the beasts last? I’ll give you a crown to do it.’

  The wise Mac Grawler pricked up his ears.

  ‘A crown!’ said he, – ‘a crown! Do you mean to insult me, Mr Pepper? But, to be sure, you did see to the horses last, and this worthy gentleman, Mr Tomlinson, must remember it too.’

  ‘How, I!’ cried Augustus. ‘You are mistaken, and I’ll give you half a guinea to prove it.’

  Mac Grawler opened his eyes larger an
d larger, even as you may see a small circle in the water widen into enormity, if you disturb the equanimity of the surface by the obtrusion of a foreign substance.

  ‘Half a guinea!’ said he. ‘Nay, nay, you joke: I’m not mercenary, – you think I am! Pooh, pooh! You are mistaken; I’m a man who means weel, a man of veracity, and will speak the truth in spite of all the half guineas in the world. But certainly, now I begin to think of it, Mr Tomlinson did see to the creatures last, – and, Mr Pepper, it is your turn.’

  ‘A very Daniel!’ said Tomlinson, chuckling in his usual dry manner. ‘Ned, don’t you hear the horses neigh?’

  ‘Oh, hang the horses!’ said the volatile Pepper, forgetting everything else, as he thrust his hands in his pockets, and felt the gains of the night. Let us first look to our winnings!’

  So saying, he marched towards the table, and emptied his pockets thereon; Tomlinson, nothing loath, followed the example. Heavens! What exclamations of delight issued from the scoundrels’ lips, as, one by one, they inspected their new acquisitions.

  ‘Here’s a magnificent creature!’ cried Ned, handling that superb watch studded with jewels which the poor earl had once before unavailingly redeemed. ‘A repeater, by Jove!’

  ‘I hope not,’ said the phlegmatic Augustus, ‘repeaters will not tell well for your conversation, Ned! But, powers that be! Look at this ring, – a diamond of the first water!’

  ‘Oh, the sparkler! It makes one’s mouth water as much as itself. ’Sdeath, here’s a precious box for a sneezer! – A picture inside, and rubies outside. The old fellow had excellent taste! It would charm him to see how pleased we are with his choice of jewellery!’

  ‘Talking of jewellery,’ said Tomlinson, ‘I had almost forgotten the morocco case; between you and me, I imagine we have a prize there; it looks like a jewel casket!’

  So saying, the robber opened that case which on many a gala day had lent lustre to the polished person of Mauleverer. O reader, the burst of rapture that ensued! Imagine it! We cannot express it! Like the Grecian painter, we drop a veil over emotions too deep for words.

  ‘But here,’ said Pepper, when they had almost exhausted their transports at sight of the diamonds, ‘here’s a purse – fifty guineas! And what’s this? Notes, by Jupiter! We must change them tomorrow before they are stopped. Curse those fellows at the Bank! They are always imitating us; we stop their money, and they don’t lose a moment in stopping it too. Three hundred pounds! Captain, what say you to our luck?’

  Clifford had sat gloomily looking on, during the operations of the robbers; he now, assuming a correspondent cheerfulness of manner, made a suitable reply, and after some general conversation, the work of division took place.

  ‘We are the best arithmeticians in the world!’ said Augustus, as he pouched his share. ‘Addition, subtraction, division, reduction, – we have them all as pat as “The Tutor’s Assistant;” and, what is better, we make them all applicable to the Rule of Three.’

  ‘You have left out multiplication!’ said Clifford, smiling.

  ‘Ah! Because that works differently; the other rules apply to the species of the kingdom; but as for multiplication, we multiply, I fear, no species but our own!’

  ‘Fie, gentlemen!’ said Mac Grawler, austerely, – for there is a wonderful decorum in your true Scotsmen. ‘Actions are trifles; nothing can be cleaner than their words!’

  ‘Oh, you thrust in your wisdom, do you?’ said Ned. ‘I suppose you want your part of the booty!’

  ‘Part!’ said the subtilizing Tomlinson. ‘He has nine times as many parts as we have already. Is he not a critic, and has he not the parts of speech at his fingers’ end?’

  ‘Nonsense!’ said Mac Grawler, instinctively holding up his hands, with the fork dropping between the out-stretched fingers of the right palm.

  ‘Nonsense yourself,’ cried Ned, ‘you have a share in what you never took! A pretty fellow, truly! Mind your business, Mr Scot, and fork nothing but the beefsteaks!’

  With this Ned turned to the stables, and soon disappeared among the horses; but Clifford, eyeing the disappointed and eager face of the culinary sage, took ten guineas from his own share, and pushed them towards his quondam tutor.

  ‘There!’ said he, emphatically.

  ‘Nay, nay,’ grunted Mac Grawler. ‘I don’t want the money, – it is my way to scorn such dross!’ So saying, he pocketed the coins, and turned, muttering to himself, to the renewal of his festive preparations.

  Meanwhile a whispered conversation took place between Augustus and the captain, and continued till Ned returned.

  ‘And the night’s viands smoked along the board!’

  Souls of Don Raphael and Ambrose Lamela, what a charming thing it is to be a rogue for a little time! How merry men are when they have cheated their brethren! Your innocent milksops never made so jolly a supper as did our heroes of the way. Clifford, perhaps, acted a part, but the hilarity of his comrades was unfeigned. It was a delicious contrast, – the boisterous ‘Ha, ha!’ of Long Ned, and the secret, dry, calculating chuckle of Augustus Tomlinson. It was Rabelais against Voltaire. They united only in the objects of their jests, and foremost of those objects (wisdom is ever the butt of the frivolous!) was the great Peter Mac Grawler.

  The graceless dogs were especially merry upon the subject of the sage’s former occupation.

  ‘Come, Mac, you carve this ham,’ said Ned. ‘You have had practice in cutting up.’

  The learned man whose name was thus disrespectfully abbreviated proceeded to perform what he was bid. He was about to sit down for that purpose, when Tomlinson slily subtracted his chair; – the sage fell.

  ‘No jests at Mac Grawler,’ said the malicious Augustus. ‘Whatever be his faults as a critic, you see that he is well grounded, and he gets at once to the bottom of a subject. – Mac, suppose your next work be entitled a Tail of Woe!’

  Men who have great minds are rarely flexible; they do not take a jest readily; so it was with Mac Grawler. He rose in a violent rage; and had the robbers been more penetrating than they condescended to be, they might have noticed something dangerous in his eye. As it was, Clifford, who had often before been the protector of his tutor, interposed in his behalf, drew the sage a seat near to himself, and filled his plate for him. It was interesting to see this deference from Power to Learning! It was Alexander doing homage to Aristotle!

  ‘There is only one thing I regret,’ cried Ned, with his mouth full, ‘about the old lord, – it was a thousand pities we did not make him dance! I remember the day, captain, when you would have insisted on it. What a merry fellow you were once! Do you recollect, one bright moonlight night, just like the present, for instance, when we were doing duty near Staines, how you swore every person we stopped, above fifty years old, should dance a minuet with you?’

  ‘Ay!’ added Augustus, ‘and the first was a bishop in a white wig. Faith, how stiffly his lordship jigged it! And how gravely Lovett bowed to him, with his hat off, when it was all over, and returned him his watch and ten guineas, – it was worth the sacrifice!’

  ‘And the next was an old maid of quality,’ said Ned, ‘as lean as a lawyer. Don’t you remember how she curvetted?’

  ‘To be sure,’ said Tomlinson; ‘and you very wittily called her a hop-pole!’

  ‘How delighted she was with the captain’s suavity! When he gave her back her earrings and aigrette, she bade him with a tender sigh keep them for her sake – Ha! Ha!’

  ‘And the third was a beau!’ cried Augustus. ‘And Lovett surrendered his right of partnership to me. Do you recollect how I danced his beauship into the ditch? – Ah! We were mad fellows then; but we get sated – blasés, as the French say – as we grow older!’

  ‘We look only to the main chance now,’ said Ned.

  ‘Avarice supersedes enterprise,’ added the sententious Augustus.

  ‘And our captain takes to wine with an h after the w!’ continued the metaphorical Ned.