“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I live alone, so if I want a cooked meal, I go out and buy it.”
“You should learn how to cook. How do you expect to wine and dine your future girlfriend or wife?”
“Then I pray that my future girlfriend or wife likes going out to restaurants or staying in for take-out,” he replied with a chuckle. “Besides, I’m sure food would be the last thing I’m thinking about when I’m with my woman.”
Parker looked away and bit her lip. “I see,” she said. “Um, so I guess I should find something to cook before we both starve to death.”
“You wouldn’t starve to death,” Joker said and laughed.
“So you say,” Parker retorted and stuck out her tongue.
He grabbed a hand basket and they walked around the store. She hadn’t let go of his hand and if she felt safe holding it, he wouldn’t let go. As she looked through the meat section, Joker’s eyes scanned the people surrounding them and noticed someone that looked familiar.
“I’ll be right back, okay?” Joker said. She looked at him with unsure eyes, but nodded anyway. He let go of her hand and strolled over to the man looking between the two packages of cheese in his hand.
“Mozart?” Joker called when he approached him.
Mozart looked up from the meat in his hands and stared at him for a few moments, a slow grin forming on his lips when he recognized Joker. “Long time, no see,” he said, putting down one of the packages and shaking Joker’s outstretched hand.
“Yeah, things have been busy lately.”
“I thought your team was on assignment?” he asked, cocking his head.
Joker rubbed the back of his neck and dropped his eyes to the shiny white floor. “Yeah…I got emergency leave and came back stateside because my mom passed away.”
Sympathy filled Mozart’s features as he clapped Joker on the shoulder. “I’m sorry to hear that, man. If you need anything, Summer and I are up here for a couple of weeks. You’re more than welcome to stop by if being alone gets to be too much for you,” he offered.
Joker nodded and gave him a small smile. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Speaking of which, Summer and I are—”
A shrill scream nearly made Joker jump out of his skin. He spun around and saw that Parker was no longer standing where he’d left her. Shit. Did her ex boyfriend find her here? He rushed in the direction he’d heard the scream, scanning the area and the aisles until he came upon the wine aisle. Parker was crouched on the floor against the shelf with a broken wine bottle, holding the broken glass out in front of her at a grocery clerk that appeared to be trying to help her.
“No! Stay away from me!” she screamed, sliding away from him, the spilled wine soaking into her jean shorts.
Joker rushed over to her and placed a comforting hand on her arm. “Parker, look at me,” he said, trying to keep his voice even. She looked up at him with wild eyes, her breaths coming in fast as she stared at him. Though her eyes were focused on him, she seemed spaced out. Her eyes were filled with terror and her skin felt clammy to the touch. The grocery clerk standing a few feet away watched them, his eyes wide.
Parker blinked, recognition crossing her face. “Ethan?” she said, her voice small. She looked around at the mess around her and looked up to the bewildered grocery clerk. “Oh God…I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Maybe we should go,” Joker said, helping to her feet. She looked at the broken wine bottle in her hand and looked at the grocery clerk.
“I’m sorry…I….” she sputtered.
“We’ll pay for this,” Joker told the clerk and ushered Parker down the aisle and to the checkout counter. They paid for the spilled wine and got back into the Jeep without a word. Parker blankly stared ahead the entire way back to the cabin. She made no effort to explain what had happened and he wasn’t sure trying to coax her to talk about it right now was a good idea.
When they got back to the cabin, Parker went to her room and closed the door. Joker ran a hand over his face. What the hell was that about?
Parker finally came out of her room later that evening, rubbing her eyes and wearing the long t-shirt she’d slept in the night before. Joker looked away from the television and up at her as she stood at the end of the hallway.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
She came over and sat on the other end of the couch, pulling her knees to her chest. “I’m sorry about what happened at the grocery store,” she said.
“But what happened? Did you see him somewhere or something?”
She shook her head. “I was looking through the wine and the clerk asked me if I needed help and…he looked just like Jarrod. I could’ve sworn it was him. But then when you were talking to me and I realized what was going on, he didn’t look like him when I looked at him again. I’m just…I don’t know where he is and it’s making me think he’s everywhere. He’s been texting me and—”
“Texting you?” Joker raised an eyebrow. “Has he texted you since you’ve been here?”
She nodded meekly. “Just this morning.”
“Ah.” What happened this morning now makes sense. “Is that why you were trying to leave?”
“Yeah,” she said with a sigh. “I can’t keep living like this. I’m afraid to be alone and now I obviously can’t go out in public without freaking out.” She blinked back tears. “I’m so sick of being scared. I know what you said on the trail, but it’s not as easy as you try to make it out to be.”
“I never said it was easy,” Joker replied. “I don’t know what I can do to make you feel better, but I want you to know that as long as I’m around, you’re safe. And when it’s time to leave here, I’ll make arrangements for you to go somewhere safe. Either way, I’m going to help you as best I can.”
Parker moved over closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she murmured. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close to him, relishing in the warm of her body. She finally pulled back and looked at him. “I really do appreciate you doing all of this for me.”
“Don’t mention it,” he said with a small smile. Her soft brown eyes bored into his, glistening with tears until one rolled down her cheek. He brushed it away, his hand lingering on her face before he gently pulled her forward to kiss her. She leaned into him, her hand caressing his cheek as her soft lips moved with his.
With a sigh, she pulled away and looked up at him with a sad smile. “You know, they say that the best thing you’ll ever experience happens right before you die,” she said.
Joker shook his head. “No one’s dying on my watch. If you keep talking like that, I’m going to have to put you in a corner,” he said with a smirk. She giggled.
“Right, sorry.” Parker gazed at him thoughtfully. “You know, we’ve been so caught up in my drama that I haven’t had the chance to really ask you how you’re doing.”
“Me?”
“It’s only the two of us and I’m not talking about me,” she teased.
“Oh.” Joker shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“Are you?”
“I mean I’m as fine as someone can be after losing a parent,” he said, dropping his gaze to his lap.
Parker was quiet for a few moments before scooting closer to him and resting her head on his shoulder. “Can you tell me what she was like?” she asked softly.
Joker ground his teeth. It was hard enough knowing the memories he had of her were just memories now. He couldn’t go to her house and reminisce about the stupid shit he did when he was younger, he wouldn’t see her smile, or hear her laugh. The void in his heart would never be filled now that he wasn’t able to hug her or have her run her fingers through his hair and complain about it being too long. The tragic reality that his best friend was really gone forever hit him like a ton of bricks. Having Parker ask about her reminded him of all the things he’d be missing out on, breaking his heart all over again.
He leaned forward and put his head in hands, letting everyth
ing out that he’d been holding in since he touched back down in the States.
“Oh Ethan,” Parker said softly. Pain, guilt, and grief overwhelmed him at once. She remained quiet until he got himself together, simply rubbing his back until he sat back up.
“I’m fine,” he finally said, rubbing away stray tears with the heels of his hands.
“It’s okay to not be okay,” she said. “You don’t have to be strong all the time.”
Joker shook his head. “When you’ve had to be strong for so many people for your whole life, it’s all you know,” he admitted, resting his head on the back of the couch and closing his eyes. His mother’s smiling face flashed through his mind, his eyes stinging with fresh tears.
“Well, allow yourself to not be okay right now. You don’t have to be strong for me right now. You won’t be able to get over this if you don’t deal with how you feel.”
Joker cracked one eye open and glanced over at her with a slight scoff before closing his eyes again. “You sound like a therapist,” he said with a light chuckle and then sighed. “I feel so many things right now that it’s confusing trying to process it all.”
“What do you feel right now?”
“Sad,” he admitted. “Angry. Guilty. Alone. Empty.” Parker went quiet for so long that Joker opened his eyes and looked at her. “What’s wrong, Doc? No therapy advice for me now?”
“I didn’t want to interrupt you in case you were going to continue. Why do you feel angry?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know really.” He sighed again. “Honestly? And, I know it may sound really bad, but I’m angry it was her. She was a good person, my best friend. I knew I could always count on her when I needed her and now that’s gone. My support system is gone. Now I’m stuck with a father I don’t have a good relationship with and really have no desire to build one.”
“I don’t know your situation with him, but it looks like you’re all the other has,” she said, pulling her legs underneath her.
Joker shook his head. “Nah. He has a wife and a whole new family with her. He doesn’t need me and I don’t need him,” he said bitterly, thinking about the conversation they’d had a couple days ago.
“Fair enough,” Parker said with a sigh. “So why do you feel guilty?”
“I just felt like I should’ve been here. It’s not a logical thought to have, but I just felt like if I’d been here, she’d probably still be here. She died alone and she needed me. I just…I should’ve been here.”
“Where were you?”
“Deployed.”
“Then you can’t blame yourself for that, Ethan. You had a job to do. You would’ve been there if you could. Don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over.”
“I wish it were that easy,” he said. “It’s…it’s all still fresh. I’m sure I’ll accept it at some point, but it’s hard right now.”
“And that’s okay,” Parker coaxed, pulling him to her until his head rested on her lap. “Now tell me about the wonderful woman that was your mother.”
Chapter 8
Parker
Parker stroked Ethan’s hair as he spoke about his mother. Hearing the grief in his voice broke her heart. To see such a strong man so vulnerable pulled at her heartstrings and made her want to take his pain away. She learned that his mom was a retired teacher and he’d joined the military to be able to help her as well as make her proud while serving his country. He told her about his father walking out on them and the resentment he felt toward him. He was an only child and life was a bit rough after his dad left and made his mother a single parent. He’d had to work odd jobs throughout high school to help her around the house until finally joining the Navy after he graduated.
“Wow,” she finally said after he’d gone quiet. “It sounds like you love your mom a lot. I’m sure she was proud of you.”
“She was. She told me every time she saw me, after she complained about my hair being too long,” he said with a light chuckle. Parker ran her hands through his hair.
“I thought you couldn’t have long hair in the military?”
He shrugged. “I keep it up and under my ballistic helmet.”
“Oh. Well I still think it’s sexy,” she said and smiled down at him.
“I’ve heard that a lot,” he replied, a sly smirk pulling at his lips.
“Oh really? When’s the last time someone told you?”
“You just did, duh,” he retorted. She giggled and shook her head.
“Other than me, wise guy.”
“Oh, I don’t know…probably before I left for deployment and a woman was pulling on while we were—” He cleared his throat. “Just know I’ve heard it a lot.”
“Ah, so you’re a playboy?” Parker asked. A pang of disappointment hit her. Maybe she’d gotten so caught up in her fear and his niceness to think that something could happen between them. How clingy and desperate did she have to be to think that this man would whisk her off to safety and they’d live happily ever after? Having him keep her safe should be enough; no need to make things complicated with a relationship.
“I wouldn’t say a playboy,” he answered. “Just like to have some fun every now and then. A man has needs, you know.”
“I’m sure,” Parker answered, playfully rolling her eyes. “So…”
“So?”
“Do you have dreams?”
He looked up at her, confusion etched across his face. “Like when I sleep or…?”
“Like where do you see yourself in the future? Do you think you’ll be settled down or retired from the military or something?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know really. You know, it’s crazy that I’ve been thinking about settling down lately. One of my friends is married with a kid and the other is in a relationship and I’m the lone wolf now.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“Nothing really. I guess finding the right woman. Relationships seem so fleeting lately. I mean that Tatum guy and his wife couldn’t even stay together,” he said, shaking his head. Parker laughed.
“Everyone is different and things change. I’m sure marriage isn’t easy.”
“Yeah, I saw that firsthand with my parents.” He was quiet for a moment. “I know if I do get married one day, I’d never make my wife feel the way my dad made my mom feel. Whatever issues we have, we’ll talk about them like adults. I won’t let her run from our problems.”
“You know it’s always easier to say that than to do it,” Parker teased, running her hands through his hair some more. He finally sat up and fixed his gaze on her.
“I’m not one to run from a challenge,” he reminded her, his icy blue stare intense.
“I can’t disagree with that,” Parker murmured, feeling as if his gaze hypnotized her.
“Has anyone told you that you have beautiful eyes?” he asked, his voice soft. Parker shyly looked away and waved him off.
“Of course. Men fall in love if they look into them long enough.”
He laughed. “Is that a modern day Medusa reference or something? Instead of turning into stone from looking into your eyes, they fall in love?”
“If that’s how you want to put it.” She leaned forward until she was inches away from his face and continued staring at him. “Is it working?”
“Hmm…maybe I’m not close enough,” he said, leaning a little closer.
“Now?” she asked breathlessly.
“I don’t think it’s love, but I do know that if I keep staring at you like this, I’ll end up doing something I shouldn’t,” he replied, his tone husky. Parker swallowed, willing herself not to blink, afraid that she’d end the moment. His cologne clouded her senses, her mouth going dry as she continued looking into his eyes.
“What if I want you to?” she whispered. A slow grin pulled on his lips.
“I have enough to worry about. I don’t think I’d want you stalking me afterwards,” he teased. Parker blinked as she processed his words before going into a giggling fit.
“You’re so full of yourself, you know that?” she said, playfully pushing him. He stood up and bent down, scooping her into his arms.
“Then I guess I have to make a believer out of you. Again.”
Parker drew small circles on his pec as she rested her head on his shoulder. She glanced up at him, to see him looking down at her with a smirk on his lips.
“Go ahead and ask me,” he said.
Though she had an idea what he was talking about, she instead cocked an eyebrow at him and slightly pulled away. “Ask you what?”
“You’ve been looking up at me as if you want to say something since we finished. I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to ask, so ask me,” he said.
She dropped her eyes and rested her head back on his shoulder. “So…was that your first time with…you know…”
“With a black woman?”
“Well yeah.”
“Baby doll, I’ve been with all colors of the rainbow. White, black, tan, orange, green—”
Parker sat up on her elbow and looked at him. “Green? If you say you had sex with an alien, then you’re full of shit,” she mused.
Ethan laughed and pulled her back into his arms. “Nah, she was green from body paint. It was after a St. Patrick’s parade.”
“How did sex even come into that equation?”
“A lot of alcohol on both of our parts,” he said with a small sigh.
Parker was quiet for a moment. “Does this make things…weird now?” she asked, her voice small.
“Should it?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s just…I don’t know. I’m probably overthinking it.”
Ethan looked down at her. “Do you have any regrets?” he asked.
“Of course not,” she murmured, meeting his gaze. “Just a little confused on how I should feel, I guess.”
So many emotions ran through her. She felt content and at peace for now, but in the morning, it would be back to being on high alert. Although sex with Ethan took her mind off of things temporarily, it still didn’t fix the issue she was trying to forget.
Jostling Joker (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (A SEALed Brotherhood Novella Book 3) Page 5
