by Abby Gale
I just shrugged. The doctor asked the same question, and I wasn’t planning on talking to him if he was going to ask the questions he knew the answers of.
“Do you need anything?” he asked this time.
I snorted, what a stupid question this was. I’d just tried to end my life, surely I didn’t give a fuck about anything at that moment.
Sighing, he sat on the chair next to my bed. Silence filled the space. He stopped asking silly questions just to ask them so he could get me to talk to him. I started to watch the ceiling of my hospital room, feeling the weight of his gaze on me, but I owed him nothing – not a word or a glance; he was the one who left. Surely, he should have a few things to say.
After a few minutes, he said, “You’re not going back to that place.” This time there was pure certainty in his words.
Turning my head, I quirked my eyebrow at him, and a small smirk played on his face.
“Do you have a question, baby girl?” he asked. He was playing the same game with me, but since he found me in a moment of my weakness, he didn’t know I mastered in ignorance and indifference, while his soul was burning in the depth of his eyes. He was always passionate, that was his strongest and weakest spot as I learned how to kill my own passion after losing him.
I turned to watch the ceiling.
CHAPTER 7
MAYA
Silence.
I had never understood why people hated it with a passion. The need to fill it with words had never made sense to me.
But while sitting in this hospital room with a foot distance between Zeke and I, I knew why it irritated people.
Silence with Zeke used to give me comfort. It used to be calming, relaxing. We used to have another level of understanding no words could be used between us. It was almost intimate. Silence with Zeke used to mean familiar smiles, soft caresses, sometimes brief hugs, and exchanging looks that saw deep into our souls.
Now, all that disappeared.
Silence.
Thick and suffocating.
Like a heavy blanket.
Or the black clouds that warn people of an upcoming storm.
It was stretching in the air between us, eating up all the oxygen and hope on its way.
Silence with Zeke used to mean comfort.
Now it was anything but.
A big ball of awkwardness.
Embarrassing.
Judgmental.
And painful.
Filled with electricity that destined to burn us alive.
I reached for the water bottle next to my bed, just for the sake of doing something, but Zeke was already there like we were still in tune with our thoughts. Taking the bottle he gave me, I looked away from him. His eyes were dark, desperate, and in pain. The power of those orbs had always unraveled my determination, and I couldn’t let him do it again.
“Maya,” he breathed out, causing a shiver to run through me.
Thankfully, before he could pull me under his spell the door of my room opened, and a woman entered.
She smiled at me sweetly, and I acknowledged her with a nod, trying to keep my focus on the woman instead of Zeke as I felt the weight of his gaze on me. She was tiny. Her hair was a mess. Her shirt was wrinkled and half inside half outside of her jeans. She was wearing ripped jeans and too many bracelets.
She was a hot mess, but her eyes shone with intelligence. I liked her. Kinda.
“Hello. I’m Tina Bailey, the hospital therapist. I want to talk to you a little bit, Maya. Is it okay?” she asked. Her voice was so sincere I almost believed I had a say in this.
I nodded.
She looked pointedly at Zeke before sitting on the chair next to my bed.
Zeke cleared his throat and walked toward the door. I couldn’t help but watch his back. The back haunted me in my nightmares with the same hurtful memory of watching him leave.
He turned back to face me just before he left the room.
“I’m waiting outside. I won’t go anywhere,” he said it like an oath.
I swallowed and kept my eyes on the therapist.
“How are you feeling, Maya?” Tina asked me nonchalantly. I was kind of expecting her to talk robotically since it was time for business.
I took a deep breath. “I’m fi-”
“Don’t answer fast. Let yourself think about it,” she interrupted me.
I frowned. “Do I need to think? Isn’t it a generic question?”
Her smile grew. “I’ll let you in on a secret: Shrinks don’t ask generic questions,” she said.
A smile teased my lips. At least she wasn’t trying to hide it.
I was expecting the hospital to send me a shrink and with everything in me, I was planning on ignoring whoever that was. But Tina Bailey kind of caught me off guard with her laid-back look. She didn’t seem like she was trying to be superior to me. Instead, she looked like me. Someone who didn’t have her shit together. Someone flawed and not perfect. That was the reason I wanted to give her a chance.
When she leaned back in the chair, I thought about how I was feeling.
“I’m tired,” I said.
She nodded. “What else?”
I looked at my wrists. Anger floods inside me. “And angry,” I added.
My answer didn’t surprise her even though it surprised me.
“Why are you angry, Maya?”
Swallowing, I caressed the gauze on my wrist before answering, “Because I failed.”
Her eyes roamed over my face, and she nodded.
“How old are you, Maya?”
“Twenty.”
“You look younger,” she said.
I snorted. “Do I? I don’t feel younger. Actually, I feel much, much older.”
“Tell me about yourself.”
Resting my head against the pillow, I stared at the ceiling. Seconds passed as she waited for me to talk.
Finally, I realized there was no way for me to sugarcoat my life even though I didn’t want to blow it on the sweet therapist.
“I have a mother who is high as a kite when she’s not in the hospital from an overdose. A father who contains more alcohol in his veins than blood. Three jobs a day I work to keep the roof over our heads. Oh, now one. I’m fired from two of them,” I told her with a robotic voice.
“Seems like your plate is full.”
I shrugged. “I was hoping to break the plate, but as you can see,” I said, lifting my wrists to show her.
“You don’t want to live this life,” she mused.
“Can you blame me?”
She shook her head. “No. But ending your life is the only way?”
I didn’t answer. What could I say? It seemed like the only way as I cut my wrists, apparently.
“Isn’t there anyone that would be worth living for?” she asked instead.
My gaze moved to the door like I could see Zeke there. I swallowed.
“Is he family?” she pried.
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I snapped.
She pursed her lips but didn’t say or ask anything else. Silence tickled my skin.
I sighed. “He used to be the only thing worth living for,” I finally whispered.
“Used to?”
“He’s not in my life anymore,” I clarified.
“Are you sure?” she asked in an amused voice. I couldn’t blame her. He was in my hospital room when she came in. And right now, he was probably waiting for us to finish. She wouldn’t understand the walls between us. We were both Berlin, but I was the West when he was the East.
I closed my eyes.
“Would you do something for me, Maya?” Tina asked after a moment of silence.
I opened my eyes and stared at her without giving an answer, but she took it as an agreement it seemed.
“Let’s think this incident as an accident-”
“It wasn’t an accident,” I interrupted her.
She nodded. “I just want you to pretend like it was,” she said and continued, “and think about the things you’d miss
if you didn’t fail like you think you did.”
“Nothing. I’d miss nothing,” I answered tersely.
She smiled sadly, standing up to leave. “Don’t answer me now. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Think until then,” she said and left my room after a pointed look at me.
“I’d miss nothing,” I said to myself, but there was a whisper at the back of my mind saying, “I’d miss him. Even the memories that hurt the most.”
CHAPTER 8
ZEKE
I was restless as I waited for them to finish the session. I wanted to be inside, be sure that Maya was okay. Placing my hand on my knee, I forced my leg to stop bouncing. I was nervous, hardly in control of the feelings storming inside me. No one had ever seen me like that. No one had ever managed to make me feel like that. Only her. Only Maya.
She was my lifeline as much as my Kryptonite.
I jumped to my feet when the door of her room opened. The therapist gave me an understanding and sad smile when she saw me.
“Can we talk a moment, please?” she asked. I nodded once.
“I assume you are family,” she said.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Maya needs help, Mister…”
“Wyatt.”
“Maya needs help, Mister Wyatt. She isn't happy, and she has reasons to repeat the same action. She needs to see someone regularly. Her life needs some improvement. She needs to be away from the problems in her life,” she said in a serious tone.
I nodded. “I’ll take care of her. I'll make her see the best therapist in the city,” I started. “No offense,” I added with an apologetic smile.
She shook her head. “That would be the best for her. But try not to push her. Make her adjust things slowly.”
“I understand. Thank you so much for your help,” I said and turned to get into Maya’s room.
“Mr. Wyatt,” she said after a step she took away from me.
“Yes?”
“I don't know your relationship with her, and I think this won't be very professional approach for me, but I have a feeling that you have some important role in her life. Try to show her your support during this time.”
“She's my everything, Miss Bailey. I'll be with her all the time. We'll get through this together.”
She smiled even though there was something suspicious in her expression, but I didn't give her another glance.
Behind my back, I heard her say, “I'll see her again tomorrow.”
I wasn't sure if there was some kind of warning in her tone. I didn't care. The only one I cared about was laying on the bed, pretending like she was sleeping when I entered the room.
CHAPTER 9
MAYA
The next day, Tina came early to my room. She was wearing baggy jeans and a rock band t-shirt today, looking so much younger than the day before. With her smile in place, she looked at Zeke who stood up to leave his chair next to my bed. Tina’s gaze didn’t miss how close but how distant we were at the same time. After they exchanged a brief nod, Zeke left the room with one last look at Tina and me.
“How are you feeling today, Maya?”
“You want me to think before answering, don’t you?” I asked with a voice that was almost teasing.
She laughed shortly. “Of course.”
Taking a deep breath, I thought my answer. “Still tired, angry, and nervous.”
“Nervous? That’s new,” she said. I could hear the question in her voice for me to elaborate, but I didn’t. I wasn’t going to do it before she clearly asked. She must’ve sensed that, because she sighed and asked another question instead, “Have you thought about my last question?”
I bit my lip. That question wasn’t any better to answer.
“Yes. I thought about it.”
“And?” she pressed.
“I’d miss… sketching,” I blurted out. It was easier than telling her I’d miss him.
“Anything else?” she persisted. I knew she didn’t let it go that easily.
Tina Bailey looked like a hot mess, but her intelligence was the first thing someone could feel about her. I did. Since the first moment she stepped into my room, I knew she’d find a way to take words from my mouth.
“Isn’t it enough?” I snapped with defiance in my voice.
She smiled. My tone didn’t offend her. “It is, but I know there’s more, Maya. And you know it, too.”
I shrugged.
“Why are you nervous?” she asked. It was only my wishful thinking she would’ve let that part go, it seems.
“Do I have to talk about it?”
Her gaze penetrated into me as she answered, “I’d really love for you to talk about it.”
Inhaling deeply, I tried to find a way to explain my anxiety without giving her some details about Zeke and I.
“I’m nervous about what’ll happen now,” I started. She waited for me to continue as I took my time before adding, “Zeke said I won’t go back to my home.”
“He’s family, right? Maybe you’ll live with him,” she said.
That’s what I’m nervous about, I thought to myself.
“We’ve been distant recently. I wouldn’t fit into his life,” I whispered.
“Maya, our life is our families. There’s no fitting in.”
I wish things were easy like that, I thought.
I stared at my wrists instead of making any comment. Rubbing the gauze back and forth, I gritted my teeth at the uncomfortable feeling it caused.
“Do you have any romantic relationships, Maya? Someone special in your life?”
“Does your education include to ask all the wrong questions?” I snorted.
“The fact that you don’t want to answer makes it the right question,” she fired back with a grin.
“Touché.”
“Well…” she pressed for an answer.
“It’s complicated,” I said with a sigh. Silence filled the air as she waited for me to continue. I was trying to put my thoughts in order. “Have you ever loved someone you shouldn’t, Miss Bailey?”
She frowned and shook her head slowly.
“Well, you’re lucky.”
“You do? You love someone you shouldn’t?”
“Actually, even this term is stupid. Someone I shouldn’t love. Shouldn’t why? Who decides that? Can someone choose who to fall in love with? How can people decide what’s right or wrong for me?”
She nodded thoughtfully, like recording my every word. “So, you love someone, but it’s wrong for people around you?”
I nodded. “It’s wrong in everyone’s mind, but it’s the only right thing I know. There’s nothing truer than loving him. It’s the only thing in this world to make me feel alive, happy… right. How can something like this be wrong?”
Her face was tense with concentration as she tried to read the meaning behind my words. I didn’t know if she understood what and who I was referring to, but her posture was rigid when she leaned toward me.
“You’re still so young, Maya. At your age, these kinds of feelings can be complicated. Easily confused. Are you sure it’s love?”
“I have never been surer about something. He’s the air I breathe, the blood that runs in my veins.”
She cringed when I said blood, but I wasn’t sure if it was the sign that she understood.
“Are you in a relationship with him?” she asked slowly. She was choosing every word carefully now.
The memories of us came to me like short clips and pictures. Little mementos of happy times.
Every time he comforted me when I was upset.
How he rent me a bicycle, so I could learn how to ride it.
The way his eyes shone brightly whenever he smiled. He wouldn’t smile with his lips. He would smile with his eyes. His whole face would transform.
The way he kissed away my tears.
How he let me curl into his lap just because I was bored.
The way he looked at me...
He was the only relationship I knew. The only
relationship I wanted. My ideal dream for a future.
I looked up at the ceiling, forcing back the tears that threatened to fall. “No,” I choked.
“But you want to?”
“More than anything.”
“And it hurts you…” she observed.
It wasn’t a question, but I still answered, “More than the life I wanted to run away from.”
She bit her lip. I could see she was at war with herself. At that moment, she didn’t look like a professional at all. I almost wanted to laugh when she closed her eyes and did something that looked like a breathing exercise. When she opened her eyes, she just nodded at me.
I watched her in confusion as she stood up and forced a smile. “Your doctor will check your wrists today, and I’ll give my approval for you to be discharged. But I want you to promise me something,” she said, touching my shoulder.
I nodded.
“If you ever want to talk, you can always come here to see me.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
She smiled sadly before saying, “Be happy.”
When she closed the door, a small smile appeared on my face. I felt like a burden was lifted off my chest. Maybe it was the relief of being understood and not judged. Whatever it was, Tina Bailey had just won my gratitude. And I knew I would never see her again, since she had a way of revealing my secrets.
CHAPTER 10
ZEKE
When the therapy session started, I walked out of the hospital. Driving to the place I found her in her own blood was never something I would consider, so instead, I went to the closest store I could find to get Maya a few things she might need.
It felt nostalgic to choose things for her. Maya was never materialistic. If it wasn’t me, she would’ve never bought or wanted things for herself. When she had any money, she was trying to buy things to make me happy. The little locket with our photos in it was still on my neck. I touched it over my shirt and sighed.
“Zeke!” Maya grinned at me when I entered the house.
I hugged her. “Hey, baby girl.”
