When Skye started swimming lessons at the age of nine, he met his first superhero in real life. Coach Moose was Aquaman incarnate. The man was king of the underwater world of Atlantis, and Skye entertained many nights of fantasies where Wonder Woman had to be rescued from the clutches of villains by Aquaman. He imagined a shimmering coat of scales attached to the contours of Coach Moose’s muscled torso and mooned over the magnificent spectacle. He was happily drowning in his bottomless tub of infatuation.
When Skye was 12, he observed that many of his classmates miraculously gained several inches in height almost overnight and became secretly anxious. After dinner every night, he would go down to a quiet corner in the garden and skip rope for 45 minutes in an attempt to spur his own ascension. It was there that he re-encountered his first crush.
Skye first spotted him sitting in the garden pavilion, a lighted cigarette pinched between his fingers. The man had a fierce beard and sharp, piercing eyes. He did not smile when their eyes locked, but maintained his heavy glare. This brooding melancholy reminded Skye of Batman, and his heart skipped a beat.
Skye never found out his name, although it quickly became apparent that he was a condominium security guard on permanent night shift who made it his routine to steal a puff at the garden pavilion. For more than a year Skye enjoyed his silent company several nights a week. Although they never spoke, Skye knew the man watched him train. There was a hint of sensuality as Skye imagined Batman’s unfathomable eyes staring wordlessly, his dark cape blending into the shadows of the shrubs. The Wonder Woman in him felt her knees weaken from the constant gaze as much as he himself felt his calves ache from the skipping.
Eventually, Batman disappeared. Skye felt a sense of loss. He never did find out that Batman made a decision to fly back to his village in Tamil Nadu to be with his wife and two children once his work permit expired.
When Skye was 15, he made it to the swim team in secondary school. It was there that Wonder Woman fell under the spell of Green Lantern. The team captain Jason Chan was tanned and fit like Coach Moose and wore a sleek pair of Speedoes the colour of fresh green moss. Watching Jason dive into the pool was like watching a shiny breakfast knife slice into soft butter, smooth and silky. The sight of water shimmering off his back as he re-emerged from the pool never failed to make Skye’s stomach churn.
At night, after the lights were switched off, Skye shut his eyes and summoned the sight of Jason showering after swim practice. He followed Jason’s hairy forearms wet with suds as the bar of soap traversed the contours of his torso. Skye sustained that vision as he reached underneath the blanket to pleasure himself. Jason’s shower lasted as long as was necessary till Skye climaxed. Afterwards, Skye tiptoed to the bathroom, cleaned himself up silently, returned to bed and fell into a deep, restful sleep.
When Jason graduated the following year and left for junior college, Skye was devastated. He could not summon the same enthusiasm for swim practice he once had. The fact that another school booked the time slot after theirs for a girls’ swim team further annoyed him. The girls would arrive early, change into their swimwear and wait by the pool. They would whisper among themselves and giggle as they watched the boys practise. Soon, one of the girls passed him a note with a phone number scribbled in orange luminous ink. Skye scrunched it up and threw it into the dustbin with irritability. He missed Jason badly.
Three months after Jason left, someone else caught Skye’s eye. It was a boy his age who sang in the church choir. Although Skye was no longer living with his grandparents, Mary Lao insisted that he join them for church every alternate Sunday. Skye did it to please Mary Lao. He found Pastor Kong’s sermons generally boring and would more often than not be daydreaming while the pastor preached. The only segment of the church service he enjoyed was the choir singing Christian songs of praise. Some of the renditions were so emotive they reduced him to tears. It was during one such moment that Skye spotted Eugene through teary eyes.
Eugene was shorter than the rest of the choirboys. Had he not stepped forward to sing the solo, Skye would never have spotted him. Eugene sang with a pristine voice that took on an ethereal quality whenever he hit the high notes. It was unlike anything he had heard before. Seated near the back of the church, Skye would often shut his eyes and immerse himself in the suspended moment of serenity and wonderment.
Skye ferreted out Eugene’s appointment as the treasurer in the Youth Ministry and quickly got himself involved. He volunteered in their fundraising project to build an annex to an orphanage in Mae Sot, Thailand. He joined their monthly outreach programme and guided the residents of a nursing home to do simple strength training using resistance bands. Despite all his efforts, Skye did not get any closer to knowing Eugene. The boy was taciturn in meetings and uncommunicative during outings. He kept very much to himself. In Skye’s mind, he was Nightwing; aloof, mysterious, alluring. Skye yearned to lash out with his lasso to trap and elicit a response out of him.
Skye knew Eugene was aware of his overtures. He had more than once caught Eugene studying him with a silent intensity, but then Eugene would quickly look away when their eyes met. Skye was nevertheless encouraged. He decided that Eugene’s aloofness was nothing more than bashfulness in disguise. He had to be bold and make the first move. So he scribbled a note and dropped it into Eugene’s backpack when the latter wasn’t looking.
The next evening, Skye sat waiting nervously at Orange Julius sipping a root beer float. He had two tickets to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets inside his pocket. If Eugene turned up, he would get hold of the movie poster and hide it for 10 years so that he could surprise him on their 10th anniversary. If Eugene did not show up, he would watch the movie alone and keep the unused ticket in a shoebox to mark his second lost love. He already had a goggle with a broken strap that he scavenged from the dustbin next to the pool minutes after Jason Chan threw it in. Skye hoped the shoebox would not fill up anytime soon.
Skye was about to give up when he spotted Eugene stepping in through the door. Grinning widely, Skye stood up and said he was glad Eugene made it in time. The movie was starting in five minutes so the two of them would have to scramble. But Eugene shook his head and said he wasn’t here for the movie. He wanted to talk.
“I didn’t want to come,” Eugene said, after Skye bought them a pina colada Julius each. “But I knew I had to. If God wants me to undergo this test, I will do so.”
Skye could feel a chill running down his spine. He had wrongly assumed that Eugene turning up could only mean a happy ending.
“I understand what you are going through. I have been there. Shame tormented me endlessly when I felt what you are feeling now. You mustn’t feel unworthy. This attraction for men is not your fault.”
Skye bit his lip. He wanted to jump in and tell Eugene he never felt ashamed or unworthy. But he decided to let Eugene have his say.
“I confessed my sinful thoughts to Pastor Kong one year ago. He promised to help me through reparative therapy. It is tough; I cannot deny that. I still succumb to sinful thoughts during my weakest moments. But I am confident that with God’s help, I will eventually be cured.”
“You are referring to conversion therapy, aren’t you?” Skye asked, his hands cold. He had read about what it entailed.
Eugene nodded. He suddenly shut his eyes and mumbled a short prayer.
“What is it?” Skye pursued, curious. “Why are you praying?”
“I was praying for forgiveness. I had thought…that your note was the Devil’s work… That you were sent to tempt me. But I am wrong to think that.”
Skye badly wanted to giggle, but he could tell Eugene was serious. “So now you think I am not an agent of the Devil?’
“Of course you are not. It was God who sent you. This is God’s way of telling me I am now strong enough to help others. I was egoistic to think that this is about me. It is not. It is about you!” Eugene’s eyes were bright when he reached over to hold Skye’s hands. “You can join me for the repar
ative therapy.”
Skye was silent for a moment. It was amazing how quickly Eugene’s attraction for him had dissipated. The mysterious and alluring Nightwing had all but vanished. He found himself looking at a confused teenager too afraid to acknowledge his own sexual orientation and too ready to settle for the church’s mechanism of denial.
“How does the conversion therapy work?” Skye wanted to know. “Do you apply electric shocks to yourself when you watch porn?”
Eugene blushed and shook his head.
“So what do you do?”
There was a moment of hesitation before Eugene replied, “I stick my finger in my throat till I retch and vomit.”
Skye cringed and withdrew his hand abruptly.
“It is only a method,” Eugene hurriedly added when he saw the look of disgust on Skye’s face. “We conduct regular prayer and Bible studies once a week. Pastor Kong will be there to help you every step of the way.”
Skye paled. It had not crossed his mind that Eugene might tell on him. “Does your family know about you, Eugene?”
“Pastor Kong gave me his word that he would not tell them,” Eugene confessed. “I wanted to do this on my own. I don’t want my parents to bear this burden.”
“Good. I won’t tell your parents if you do not mention my name to Pastor Kong.”
Eugene was a little taken aback. “Don’t you want to be cured?”
Skye grabbed his bag and stood to leave. “I am fine the way I am. Goodbye, Eugene. I will always remember how beautifully you sing.”
Skye told his grandmother exams were coming up so he would have to skip church to focus on his studies. He felt sorry for Eugene. It must have been terrible to carry the burden of guilt for what was natural to him. Skye grew up trusting his own feelings. He felt no attraction to girls, only to men and boys. It made no sense whatsoever to deny it just to conform to the majority.
For a teenager of 16, Skye had an amazing lack of self-doubt and an astonishing licence of self-confidence. The ‘why-do-you-think’ game his grandmother used to play with him had a lot to do with it. When Skye was younger, his grandmother would take him for long walks after dinner while his mother stayed behind to do the dishes. During these evening strolls, Mary Lao would encourage Skye to tell her something about his day. Did anything out of the ordinary happen in school? Or did his teacher or classmates say or do something interesting?
After Skye told his tale, Mary Lao would play the ‘why-do-you-think’ game? Why do you think the teacher did not allow that? Why do you think little Jiahui cried? Why do you think big bully Kong would want to behave in such a nasty manner? Skye would stop to think about it and come up with a possible reason. Mary Lao encouraged him not to stop at one, but to explore multiple possibilities. Over time, Skye became adept at the game. He learned to spot the coward in the bully, identify the frustration behind the tears and comprehend the reasons why people behave the way they do. He began to question instructions from teachers and rules set by the school. That behaviour did not endear him to many teachers, but Skye had by then outgrown the craving to be liked by teachers.
As Skye grew older, Mary Lao began to share family stories from the past. She told him about the time his father Gimme Lao was publicly humiliated for wearing a frock and how she stood up to the principal and the disciplinary master. One ought to always question the boundaries. She described how Skye’s grandfather was known as Mr Nice Guy around the neighbourhood, while she was abhorred as the relentless saleswoman who simply would not give up. In the end, she managed to serve many in the community by enhancing their financial security, while his grandfather provided no service whatsoever. The yearning to be well liked reflected a weakness. You should give yourself permission to be great, not merely likeable. She told him about her own awakening when she was upstaged by a snobbish fellow parent who had the clout to make her child miserable. The world did not owe you anything. You had to pick a role, make a stand, claim your spot and make life happen. Otherwise, your tombstone would simply read ‘Unrealised’.
That word, ‘unrealised’, etched itself into Skye’s psyche as the definitive devil to avoid. It had pushed him to arduous pool training in the hope of making it to the secondary school swim team while his classmates hunched over the terminals at LAN shops to play Diablo or Star Craft. It had given him the courage to drop the note into Eugene’s backpack to invite him for the movie. Skye did not feel bitter that the date with Eugene did not end well. The failing was not his. He had learnt his lesson when Jason Chan spun out of his orbit before he gathered his courage to make a move. He would not let that happen again.
As it turned out, Skye was given a second chance. He did well enough in his O levels to enter the junior college of his choice. It was there that he met Jason Chan again.
The reunion seemed to bring Jason tremendous joy, and he lost no time recruiting Skye into the JC swim team. Now that he was no more the team captain, Jason was not obliged to divvy his time and attention equally to all team members. He asked if Skye was willing to be his training buddy.
“Really?” Skye was secretly pleased. He wondered if it was merely his imagination that the taller and brawnier Green Lantern had reentered his orbit shining a different light.
The two coordinated their weekly schedules so they could commit to two sessions each in the gym and the pool. Once they stepped into the gym, Jason was all about tough love. He tormented Skye on the crunch machine and whipped him mercilessly on the treadmill. After gym session was over, Jason chose to hang out with him. They shared earphones and listened to the latest hits or talked shop over protein shakes. As the weeks went by, Skye began to pick up on clues that indicated Green Lantern might see Wonder Woman as more than just a fellow defender of justice. There was a soft glow of affection that seemed to shine on no one else.
As a foreign student from Malaysia, Jason was allotted a room at the JC dormitory. It was in that room, snugly crushed against each other on an oversized beanbag, that the two first kissed. Tyrese was playing on the radio, and it seemed the most natural thing for Skye to lean over and kiss Jason on his lips. Jason kissed back, hard. Skye’s earlier hunch was verified. The admiration was mutual.
It was a magical time for Skye and Jason. Up till then, neither of them had ever gone past secret infatuations. But with their first kiss, they elevated their adolescent desire to a connection that was complex and satisfying. There was tenderness as they ran their fingers over one another. There was trust as they surrendered themselves without resistance. There was warmth as they held each other close afterwards. Often, they dozed off with their limbs entwined.
The blissful romance seemed perfect except for one thing. Skye had to keep it a secret. Jason did not want anybody to know.
The occasional arguments they had pertained to Jason’s expectations of how the two of them should behave in public. Once, Skye forgot himself and reached over to brush some lint off Jason’s cotton tee while they were seated in the student cafeteria. Jason jerked and shrank away.
“Why do you have to do that?” Jason demanded to know once they were back in the dormitory room.
Skye shrugged, “There was lint. I removed it. What’s the big deal?”
“People are watching!” Jason made no attempt to hide his exasperation. “It’s the same thing in the library. You have this habit of leaning against my shoulder to read the same copy of newspaper I am reading. Why?”
Whenever this happened, Skye would sulk for a day or two. But he always relented and crept back into Jason’s embrace. After all, there had to be compromises made in any relationship. If Green Lantern wished to keep the glow of their love hidden from others, Wonder Woman would just have to stop polishing her golden gauntlets.
Luckily for them, none of the guys in the college swim team suspected. There were a lot of back slaps and shoulder punches going on in the changing room, and everyone accepted these as sporting camaraderie. Whenever Skye pinched Jason on his neck and squeezed till he yelped, the o
thers laughed. It was merely good fun between teammates.
All was well until the incident with KC Kok.
Neither Skye nor Jason had paid KC Kok any attention until their teammates made the observation that the boy was taking clandestine shots of them in the pool using a zoom lens. Initially, everyone made a joke out of it. It was just another muscle-worshipping faggot. As long as the creep did not slide his hand into their swim trunks, they were fine with him staring at their crotches all day long.
Although Skye was uncomfortable with the team’s callousness, he chose not to voice it out. But his discomfort turned to horror when he witnessed Jason partaking in the pack’s malicious teasing with vigour. It further perturbed him that Jason could shrug it off nonchalantly when he brought up the issue in the privacy of their dormitory room.
For the first time, Wonder Woman noticed a dark and sinister flicker in Green Lantern’s light.
One afternoon, Skye chanced upon a group of his teammates huddled together in the changing room. One of them waved him over and clued him in on their discussion. Apparently, someone had slipped an envelope into the team captain’s locker. Within the envelope was a 5R blow-up of the team captain frozen in the midst of an upper back stretch. This had to be that creep’s way of declaring his twisted adoration. When the group started discussing how they should teach KC Kok a lesson, Skye stood up and walked away in disgust. He wanted no part of it.
The next day, Skye spotted KC Kok at a corner of the student cafeteria having lunch alone. Thinking that he ought to warn him before his teammates sprang any surprises, Skye approached and sat down opposite him. He had barely introduced himself when he noticed that KC Kok’s lower lip was swollen. Alarmed, Skye asked if the guys from the swim team had roughed him up. KC Kok lowered his head and refused to reply.
Let's Give It Up for Gimme Lao! Page 20
