Shoot Me

by Lesley Crewe

  “But that’s the thing, Bunny. He won’t. It’s too bad you’ve taken this position. I’d have given you more credit than that, but if that’s the way you feel, I’ll say goodbye.”

  “Wait.”

  Elsie waited.

  Finally Bunny spoke. “What time again?”

  “Noon. I’ll be here.”

  Bunny hung up the phone.

  Elsie put down the receiver and sagged into her chair, completely drained. She wanted tomorrow to be over. Her next call was to Harry.

  The following day the whole family was anxious to see the property, and disappointed when Elsie said she couldn’t make it. Graham didn’t want to lose another day of work, so he begged off as well.

  The others piled into three cars and journeyed in a convoy with Robert leading the way.

  At the waterfront, they piled out en masse. The salt water breeze whipped up the waves against the wharf. There were sailboats further along. From where they stood they could hear the sound of the sails—like sheets drying on a windy day. The sky was blue with streaks of white cloud and the sun sparkled off the water. Seagulls circled overhead and a buoy marker bobbed off shore, rhythmically clanging its bell.

  The lampposts along the length of the boardwalk gave it a rustic charm. The hot dog stand made a killing with the lunchtime office workers, as did the small ice cream shop nearby. People meandered about as they carried their parcels from the small shops that lined the street.

  “This is perfect.” Eli gave Robert a high five. Everyone was thrilled, until Robert spoke up.

  “Look. Our property isn’t along this strip. We’d never afford a place down here. It’s up one of those side streets, but it looks out over this bit because of the steep climb.”

  “If it’s too steep, no one will want to walk up to get to us,” Juliet said.

  “Sure they will. This is a gorgeous part of the city. Tourists love it. The streets are narrow and lined with heritage buildings. It looks touristy if you know what I mean.”

  Mrs. Minelli clapped her hands. “Let’s see it. I want to see it.”

  They followed Robert along the waterfront, chatting happily about the great view and the quaint atmosphere. But once they turned the corner, it wasn’t nearly as developed. They passed some abandoned buildings, a few stores undergoing renovations, and a little book shop newly opened.

  Robert tried to cheer them up when their voices dropped off as they walked along.

  “Keep remembering, you have to think of this place as it will look. Once you have a business set up, more stores come in behind you and suddenly the whole street lights up. And if it’s a restaurant, people will clamour to open a few more, which is great, because it becomes the street where you go to eat when you’re downtown.”

  There were murmured agreements to that.

  “There’s the agent.” Robert hurried forward to shake the man’s hand.

  The agent laughed. “You’ve got quite the crowd.”

  “Everyone. This is Mr. Petrie. Mr. Petrie, this is my family.”

  “Well everyone, if you’ll follow me.” Mr. Petrie walked to the building next to the one they stood by and put the key in the door. He went ahead and held the door open for them.

  Everyone stood in the middle of the room and looked around. No one said anything. It was larger than it looked from the outside, with a wide deep porch that Robert mentioned could be knocked down for a terrace. Its high ceiling was crisscrossed with exposed pipes. There were large windows that looked out on the old wooden building across the street but the harbour was still visible at the end of their block.

  The agent marched them out back and discussed where a kitchen could be set up and pointed out the large exit doors that were perfect for deliveries.

  They went back into the main room and noticed for the first time the old wooden counter off to the side. It was massive and would make a great bar.

  Still no one said anything. Everyone waited for someone else to go first.

  Robert looked worried about their seeming lack of enthusiasm. “Listen, don’t look at the peeling paint. Don’t look at the damp patches or the missing tiles. The bones are good. If we get this place cleaned up it’ll look like a million bucks.”

  Mr. Petrie jumped in. “I have two more interested parties scheduled for this afternoon. I don’t want to pressure you—” Juliet rolled her eyes—“but I’ve been the one to sell most of these properties and I’m here to tell you that this place will explode over the next eighteen months. People want to take back their cities and are anxious to use these old buildings, because frankly it’s become très chic to renovate. The old tenements five blocks down have sold like hot cakes to young couples with money, who convert them into lofts with waterfront views.”

  They looked at one another. Robert held out his hands toward them. “It’ll mean a lot of work. A lot of sweat, but I think we can do it. Are we in?”

  Slater spoke up. “What would Aunt Hildy do?”

  “We’re in!” everyone shouted.

  At home, Elsie rehearsed what she thought she’d say, but in the end gave up, knowing it would be impossible to predict what an estranged wife and a girlfriend would say to each other. But she was in a different position than most wives. She wanted the woman in question put in jail, if indeed that’s where she belonged.

  Harry arrived just after the mob left. She blurted, “I don’t think I can do this.”

  “Say to yourself, ‘She’s a big boob.’ It will make you feel better.”

  “I don’t think so. I’m going to be sick.”

  The doorbell rang.

  Elsie shook. “Oh, God.”

  “Calm down. I’m here. Where are you going to talk to her? In the library?”

  She nodded.

  “Is there a place I can hide near there?”

  She nodded.

  Harry sighed at her. “You have to talk. You can’t just nod at her.”

  She nodded.

  They crept down the hall and she pointed to the closet near the library door.

  “This might be too far away.” The doorbell rang again.

  “There’s no time,” Elsie panicked. So Harry opened the closet door, gave her a thumbs up and closed it. She took a deep breath and walked toward the door. Flower ran in from the sunroom to be with her. She was grateful for the show of support.

  Elsie opened her heavy front door. There was Bunny, in all her glory, with her skirt up to here, her cleavage down to there, high heels and war paint. Elsie realized too late she should’ve put on some lip gloss.

  “Come in.”

  Bunny didn’t say anything as she walked through the door. Flower gave a little bark and jumped on her, as if they were old friends. Elsie realized with hate she probably was. That galvanized Elsie’s resolve. Mess with my husband if you must, but stay the hell away from my dog.

  “We’ll go to the library.” They started down the hall, when Flower sniffed the air and ran over to the closet door. She snuffled for all she was worth. “Flower, I told you no more cookies today.” She looked at Bunny. “I have to hide them in there, or she eats them out of the box.”

  Flower barked. She took the dog by the collar. “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.” She dragged a very unhappy puppy dog into the back porch and shut the door on her, hurrying back to Bunny to escort her into the library.

  “I made some lemonade.” She pointed to the iced pitcher and glasses. “Would you like some?”

  “Okay. Mind if I smoke?”

  Elsie did mind, but what could she say? “I’ll get you an ashtray.” She searched around, settling on a thick coaster—anything to get on with it. She indicated a chair for Bunny, poured lemonade and took the chair opposite, on the other side of the fireplace. Bunny blew her smoke in the air. “So what’s all this about?”

  Harry knew he’d have to get out of the closet. He couldn’t hear a thing, so he peeked out. In her nervousness, Elsie had almost closed the library door. He figured he better move�
��he couldn’t be sure how short and sweet their conversation would be. He quietly snuck out, eyeing two doors that lay down two corridors, trying to judge which one would be best. To get to the one closest, he had to cross the library door to do it. He decided to go for it.

  He heard a cry. Damn. He’d spooked Elsie. He heard Bunny ask what was wrong, whether there was someone else in the house. He heard someone get up and walk toward the library doors.

  He had to take the first door or all would be lost. He jumped into a small, dark closet, realizing too late that he’d locked himself in.

  Bunny looked out the library doors and went back to her chair. “I don’t trust you. Why are you so nervous?”

  “I could ask you the same thing.”

  “Are you sure there’s no one else in the house?”

  “I told you, no. This is between you and me. I guess I’m a little flustered. It’s not every day a woman talks to her husband’s girlfriend.”

  “He’s your estranged husband. You live apart…kind of…and you’re the one who wanted to talk. If you’re so flustered, why do it at all?”

  Elsie took a deep breath and grabbed the arms of her chair. “Because I want to ask you why you feel the need to terrorize me.”

  Bunny’s cigarette froze on her lips. She slowly pulled it out of her mouth. “I’m not terrorizing you.”

  “You followed me and took pictures without my knowledge. What do you call that?”

  “Why would I take pictures of you? You’re not that attractive.”

  Elsie got annoyed. “Listen you. There’s no one else I know who would want to take pictures of me.”

  “They might want to take pictures of your man.”

  “If you didn’t take the pictures how do you know I was with a man?”

  Bunny threw the cigarette in her glass of lemonade. “Okay, let’s cut the crap. Yes, I took those pictures and yes, I phoned you. You deserved it. You’re supposed to be separated but you keep your claws in Graham anyway because you can’t stand the thought that he might want me instead. Why do you get to be with someone, but he doesn’t? You’re a greedy, two-faced cow.”

  “I’m not two-faced. I knew you were dating. I only asked him to stay away from you until I handled my aunt’s funeral. The girls needed him and so did I.”

  “He wants to be with me, but the minute you crook your little finger, he runs back to you. Tell me you don’t get off on that.”

  “You say you care about him, yet you lie to the police. A woman in love doesn’t do that.”

  “I told the police the truth. That’s the thing everyone seems to forget. I didn’t make up the fact that he went out for a walk. He did go out for a walk, so when the police hassled me again, I broke down, that’s all. I didn’t tell them on purpose. It just happened.”

  “But why tell them he wanted to find the treasure to run away with you?”

  “Because it’s the truth,” she spit. “He told me. He wanted us to go away to the Caribbean. We had it all planned.”

  Elsie blinked and stared at her rival for a moment. “Why should I believe you, Bunny? You’re the kind of woman who sneaks around and takes pictures of other people, then breaks into their home to make sure they see them.”

  “I didn’t break in. I have a key.”

  Elsie’s mouth hung open. “Graham gave you a key?”

  “So what if he did?”

  Elsie was incredulous. “So what? Do you mean to tell me you’ve had access to my home all this time?”

  Bunny shrugged.

  Elsie stood. “So yesterday wasn’t just a fluke? Well lady, if that’s the case, I’d say you’re a prime suspect for theft and murder.”

  Graham tried to concentrate, but it was impossible. He was halfway through the morning when he helped one of the guys load up the truck. His mind was a thousand miles away but screamed back to earth when his buddy closed the van door on his fingers. Cursing, he shook out his fingers. Back in the locker room, he kicked a cardboard box that was filled with nails—just his luck.

  “Christ almighty, get a hold of yourself.” He sat on the edge of the table that held the coffee machine and dirty cups and tried to settle down. The pulse in his fingers was his universe for ten minutes.

  He remembered another time his hand throbbed like this. He even had a picture from that day. He took out his wallet with his good hand and rifled through the thick wad of school pictures of the girls, some dating so far back they smiled at him with missing teeth and messy pig tails. He found it. A friend took it, unbeknownst to him, the day their school had lost a big football match. Graham, the quarterback, had injured his hand on the field. His lousy throw had cost them that game. As he walked off the field with his head down, there was Elsie, her arm around his shoulder, bending down to smile up at him, trying to give him comfort. He’d kept that picture because he thought her legs looked great and he liked to show it off to his friends.

  He looked closely at that sweet face. He’d seen it yesterday, exactly the same way, from the end of his bed.

  Could he be a bigger jerk if he tried?

  He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As he gathered the keys for his truck, a co-worker came by and smirked, “Going home to referee?”

  Graham frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Didn’t you hear? Bunny went to your house on her lunch hour. She told Wanda she’d wipe the floor with your missus.”

  Graham took off.

  The happy gang was headed to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Sitting at several small tables, they talked about what they should do first.

  “Go to the bank,” Robert said.

  Juliet spooned caramel sauce out of her plastic container. “Get an estimate from Graham about the plumbing.”

  “Hire a contractor,” Eli shouted.

  Slater yelled, “Watch Trading Spaces. I love that dude Vern. Not like Doug. I’d deck him the first day in.”

  “Go get paint brochures,” Lily said.

  “Pick out dishes and flatware,” Dahlia suggested. “I’m good at that now.”

  Mrs. Minelli held up the remains of her ice cream cone. “Cook!”

  Robert stood. “I say we go tell Elsie the good news.”

  Everyone agreed.

  Harry couldn’t believe it. He tried to pry the door open without making too much noise but the miserable thing wouldn’t budge. Damn these old houses with their solid construction. If it had been a modern gizmo he’d have had it open in a jiffy.

  He could just hear their conversation. Elsie was holding her own. But as soon as she brought up robbery and murder, they’d be in a different league altogether. If things took a turn for the worst, he’d bash the door in, but he didn’t want to make his move yet. He’d wait a few more minutes to see what would happen.

  Bunny gave her rival a filthy look, and Elsie became a little frightened.

  “Just what the hell are you implying? That I killed your aunt?”

  Elsie pointed a finger at her. “Think about it. You just told me you have a key. The house wasn’t broken into that night. Obviously you’ve been here before. Even my dog didn’t bark at you today, so no barking the night of the murder. Graham told you about the treasure. You knew it was here and you were impatient for him to find it, because you wanted him to run away with you. So you thought you’d hurry Aunt Hildy along and get her to tell you where it was. Only you didn’t know Aunt Hildy, did you? You didn’t know that she’d never tell you in a million years. That’s why you killed her.”

  Bunny stood too. “You’re off your rocker, lady.”

  “And what about the bag of treasure that was stolen from us?”

  “What bag of treasure?”

  Elsie was coming to a boil. She tried to think clearly and remember her facts.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about,” she shouted. “You’ve come into this house lots of times, haven’t you? You made the noise I heard the day the treasure disappeared.”

  Bunny grab
bed her purse. “You’ve gone nuts. I won’t stand here and listen to this bullshit.”

  Elsie put her hand out to hold her back. “And wait. Something else I remember. The girls told me you shouted that if their father came near you again, he’d have a hole in his heart, just like Hildy. But what you don’t know is that the papers never gave out that information, so how did you know about it, unless you did it?”

  Bunny ripped her arm out of Elsie’s grasp. “No wonder Graham got rid of you. You’re insane. I never killed her. Graham told me what happened to her on the phone that morning.”

  “Isn’t that convenient? I think you’re lying. Everything points to you. Everything.” Elsie started to cry. “We were overwhelmed with greed, but no one in my family would’ve killed Aunt Hildy. She drove us mad, but that doesn’t mean we’d ever kill her. It was you, I know it was.”

  “Get out of my way,” Bunny screamed at her.

  Elsie ran to the desk. “I’ve taped our whole conversation. I can’t wait to tell the police.”

  Bunny’s mouth dropped open. “You bitch. You’re trying to frame me? I’ll kill you.”

  She lunged at Elsie, just as the family spilled in the door laughing and talking over each other. Graham had been on the doorstep when they arrived home, and they were filling him in on their news. At the same time, Harry decided it was time to kick his way out of the hall closet.

  Everyone screamed and ran about.

  “What’s going on?” Graham hollered. “Elsie. Elsie. Are you all right?”

  The girls screamed for their mother.

  “I’m in here!” she cried, as she held on to Bunny.

  “Let go of me, you bitch.”

  “She’s killing Mommy,” Dahlia screamed. Slater flew past Harry in an attempt to reach her.

  Twelve people scrambled about in a mini riot. Everyone hit everyone else. The only one who wasn’t in the melee was Mrs. Minelli. Robert, frantic to protect his investment, pushed the poor soul down the hall and told her to run. No one could hear over the girls’ screams and both Harry and Graham had a hard time pulling Slater’s hands off Bunny’s neck.

  That’s when the gun went off.