“I know what you mean. It was the one thing we never got when we were younger. I never thought we were broken up, I knew you would come back and you did. It all started after you came back. Even if we were kissing, we needed the physical connection to become one.”
“That’s exactly what I was trying to say.” I smile softly.
“I feel the same way about you Sweet Cheeks. You’re the only one I ever had feelings for and will ever have feelings for. Yes I did have sex with other women.” I glare at him. “Never hid it from you. I never had feelings for any of them—it was just a one-time thing. Does that make me an asshole? Yes, but I never promised them anything.”
“Good to know you were able to empty your balls in all those sluts.” I can’t help but frown in disgust.
“Never in them but let’s not talk about details.”
“Gross.” I shudder.
“You mean the world to me Ayden. I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. You are the reason why I’m trying to better myself. I’m trying to be a better man for you and for us, and for our future. We grew up around the MC and it made us who we are, it’s our extended dysfunctional family. I hope you know that even if the club takes a big part of my life, I’ll always make sure you and our future family comes first.” He kisses me softly and I melt. How can he say such vile things one minute and make my heart melt the next?
“I would never ask you to leave the club life. As hard as it gets at times, we’ll always stick together and help each other. Even if you can’t tell me about club business, know that I’ll always be there for you no matter what happens.”
“Thank you for understanding Sweet Cheeks.”
“It’s normal.” We kiss softly and he sighs softly. “What’s wrong?”
“You know there are other things we need to discuss right?” I nod softly. “How do you feel about last night?”
“I thought I had stealthily avoided the question earlier.”
“Nope.” He chuckles softly.
“Damn it!”
“You need to talk it out.”
“I know.” I take a deep breath. “When I woke up in the trunk of the car I thought it would be the end for me. That whoever took me would make me endure what I endured six years ago. That I’d be too far-gone for me to come back and be myself again. I didn’t want to go down without a fight so I tried to hit Angel, which proved I make a lot of bad judgment.” I point at my knee. “My heart literally stopped beating when Michael came into the room. Never in a million years did I think he would be the one to take me away. I know we figured out he was psycho but I didn’t know it would be to that extent.”
“It took me a while to figure it out and understand that he was the one behind what happened six years ago. It was hard to process that not only he was the one who raped me but also a guy I had been on a couple of dates with. It’s hard to accept that I actually willingly for the most part went out with him. I never suspected anything. Besides being a neat freak he was okay, very boring but okay.”
“I thought going out with him would make things better in the beginning. I was seeing you around town with different women and it was breaking my heart each time. I figured I should give it a try and put myself out there. With a bit of pressure from my friend and a promotion I got thanks to him, that’s what I did. I never should have said yes. That night he kissed me when he walked me back to my door, I should have known something would go wrong but I didn’t want to see it. I was telling myself to give him some time, that it would eventually come but it never did.”
“The couple of dates we went on were never interesting. It was always the same thing, how good we were together, how he got me a promotion, boring stuff, and then, he started to make comments that I should watch my weight and shit like that. I really wasn’t into him and wanted to break it off but one day, he asked me to go out with him in the lobby at work and quite a few people were looking at us. I didn’t want to make it awkward so I had to say yes. I couldn’t just dump him in front of everyone. So that night, we went for dinner and I was ready to end things with him and he kept insisting on taking me back to his place. I didn’t want that but he didn’t care. He started groping me and kissing me with force and then you saved me.”
“I’m beyond disgusted that I dated him, that I dated the guy who raped me without knowing it. It’s messing with my head, a lot. The only relief I get from all of this is that I don’t have that sword of Damocles hanging over my head anymore. I know he can’t physically hurt me anymore or take me away. I know that, but the mental hurt is going to take quite some time to heal.”
“As for me killing him, I’m not proud of it but ending my nightmare on my own was a tiny step into feeling better. That’s why I stopped you when you were about to shoot him. As grateful as I would have been, I’m not sure I’d have had the proper closure I needed with it. Do I regret killing him? No, he deserved it for what he did to me. What I do regret is that I allowed him to mess with my head and emotions for the past six years. I don’t feel guilty that I took his life. As bad as it sounds, it was what I needed to close that chapter in my life.”
“I know I’ll have my happily ever after, I know I’ll be happy and have the life I always imagined for both of us, but it’s going to take time for me to get back to my former self. I know I’ve changed, but I want to be happy again. I want to feel as if nothing ever happened. I know it made me stronger but I want to move on from everything that’s happened since I was eighteen. I just want to be happy with you.” I kiss him softly, tears falling down my cheeks after pouring my heart out.
“Shh, don’t cry baby.” He kisses my forehead and wipes the tears away. “He’s not worth your tears.” He whispers.
“I know, it’s just hard to come to terms with all of this.” I sniff.
“I understand. It’s a lot to process in such a short time but I’m proud of you for telling me everything. I know it was hard for you to pour your heart and soul out even if it’s to me. I know you’re not big on letting that kind of emotion out. I’ll always be there for you, whenever you need to talk about what happened, how you feel or anything else. Please, don’t hesitate or keep it bottled up, even if it’s in the middle of the night, wake me up and talk to me. I need you to talk to me. I need to make sure you are okay and that you’ll be okay. I know it’s going to take some time, but I also know that you will get there—we will get there. It’s the beginning of our happily ever after. I’m not going to let anything or anyone ruin it for us again. I love you so much Ayden. You are my life.” I’m a crying mess when he finishes. He knows how to bring me down and lift me up at the same time.
“T-thank you for a-always understanding and a-always being t-there for m-me.” I stutter hiding in his neck.
“It’s normal Sweet Cheeks. I don’t always agree with you but I’ll always make sure I understand how you feel, and if I don’t, we’ll talk about it. That’s why I need you to be open with me, to understand how you feel. I’ll be open with you too of course.” He kisses my nose and we cuddle on the couch.
We spend a long time just cuddling into each other’s arms. Needing to feel that physical connection. I love being in his arms, it’s the safest place on earth.
“I missed you.” I whisper.
“I missed you too.” he whispers back.
“I’m glad you showed up. I was feeling lonely and replaying last night over and over in my head was doing me no good. I love this place but only when everybody is here. On your own it’s quite depressing and lonely.”
“As much as I knew you needed time, I also knew you were going to focus on what happened last night and not think about how it changes things and how it changes you. I’m glad you realized running away wasn’t the answer.”
“Well it was at first but I realized something was missing.” I say softly.
“And what was it?”
“You.” I look into his eyes and he takes a shaky breath in. “I need you in my life,” I whisper against his lips.
He turns an innocent kiss into such a passionate kiss, never taking it too far. He knows I’m not ready for something else just yet but we’ll get there. We found each other. I set all my demons free, some are going to take a bit more time to get over but I’m not holding onto the darkness that was tainting my past. I’ll focus on the present and our future together.
A couple of hours later, we head upstairs. He carries me to the bedroom we used to share. The furniture is still there but the bed looks tiny now.
“How in the hell are we going to fit in this bed? Hell it’s too small just for you alone.”
“You want me to sleep with you?” He whispers.
“Yes. I told you love. I. Need. You.” I kiss him between each word.
“I need you too Sweet Cheeks.” He cups my face and kisses me softly. “I’m sure we will manage.”
“I hope so, dibs on the bed if you don’t fit in it.” I grin innocently and head to the bathroom to take care of business and brush my teeth.
When I go back into the room, Ant is lying in bed, shirtless, and taking up most of it, but he did leave me a spot, my spot, between him and the wall. I hop over to the bed and join him nearly falling on top of him.
“Careful there Sweet Cheeks.” He chuckles and helps me get settled.
“Can I ask you something?” I kiss his shoulder and cuddle into the crook of his arm.
“Anything you want.” He whispers kissing the top of my head.
“How did you know where I was? How did you find me?” That question has been on my mind for the past couple of hours but I was always thinking about something else and I kept forgetting to ask him.
“Ah…”
“Ant?” I look up at him.
“Promise you won’t get mad.”
“I’ll get mad if I have a reason to get mad. What have you done?” I glare at him.
“Remember when the detective told us Michael was on the run?” I nod and he continues. “Well the next morning, I might or might not have put a tracking device in your phone-”
“YOU WHAT?” I cut him before he has the chance to continue.
“I needed to make sure you were okay and that if you decided to run away or if anything happened to you I’d know where you were.”
“How dare you! That’s a violation of personal space or whatever it’s called!” I’m fuming. I sit up and I’m ready to get out of bed.
“Sweet Cheeks. Had I not put it in your phone, I wouldn’t have been able to find you and I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened. So yes, you might think I’m a dick for putting a tracker in your phone but I did it to make sure you were safe and to be able to protect you. I’ve only used it once, when I found your car open and you nowhere to be found.” He finishes softly. Just reliving what happened is hard on him, as hard as it is to me. I relax a couple of minutes later and cuddle back into him. I did not see it from his point of view and his explanation makes sense but still.
“You’re still a dick for doing it without asking me first.” I mumble into his chest.
“Would you have let me put it in your phone if I had asked you?” He lifts my chin so I’m forced to look at me.
“Of course I would have.” I feign being shocked.
“Yeah right, not likely.”
“Okay, okay. I wouldn’t have and we would have fought about it and you would have put it in it anyway, so yeah. You’re a jerk.” I say matter-of-factly and shrug.
“This jerk loves you very much.” He whispers against my lips.
“I love him too even if he’s a bit too overprotective and overbearing sometimes.”
“Only because he can’t imagine life without you Sweet Cheeks.” He rests his forehead against mine and I’m melting.
He can be a jerk sometimes and I feel like he is smothering me at times, but it’s all out of love. Fuck but I love this man.
“I can’t imagine life without you either love. I’ve had a preview for the past six years and it was horrible. I never want to have to relive it again.” I mean it—I’m not going to run away anymore. If we have problems, we’ll face those head first and together.
“Never again.” He whispers against my lips and kisses me passionately, only breaking the kiss when we both are out of breath.
We stay in silence for a while, just enjoying being in each other’s arms. No words are needed between us in moments like these. We are happy to be reunited again. The bad will always be in the back of our minds, it damaged us, but we have each other and our memories and the ones we are going to create together. The darkness that was shadowing us and making our lives miserable is nothing compared to the light we bring to each other.
He is the light to my dark—he is my reason to live, my lifeline. I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t because of him. As cheesy as it may sound, he saved my life in more than one way and I’ll forever be grateful.
“I love you Anthony James.” I whisper against his chest, letting sleep take me.
“I love you Ayden Monroe.” He whispers against my forehead, I faintly hear him but I know he’s said it.
Chapter 34
Anthony
I’m still shocked by what went down yesterday. I’ve seen and done some fucked up shit in my twenty-five years of life but seeing what was about to happen last night and hearing the truth about what happened to Ayden and why is still the most vile and disturbing thing I’ve ever had to witness in my life.
How can a grown man claim they love a woman when all he’s ever done to her was hurt her and take her innocence? I’ll never understand how a man could hurt a woman. That’s one of the most fucked up things ever.
Talking to Ayden about it wasn’t easy either. Having to relive her nightmare all over again and having to witness part of it was fucked up. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget what I saw when I reached that old house. I can’t take that image out of my mind.
I’m not sure how I feel about Ayden being okay with taking a man’s life. I know she would never hurt someone on purpose but she still killed a man. The first time I took someone’s life it messed with me for a couple of months. He was a bad man too but still, it’s never an easy thing to get over with. But with all that Ayden went through, I don’t know how she will cope knowing that she took his life.
Sure he’s the one who’s caused her all the pain she’s been through for the past six years, but still… It’s going to mess with her head and I need to be here for her to help her cope and get over it. If I know her at all, she’s going to try to pull away from me the first chance she gets. I’m going to need to be very attentive to how she’s doing.
It’s a good thing she’s shit at hiding her feelings. She wears her heart on her sleeve and you can always tell when something is wrong, mainly with her eyes. She might be a bit more fidgety too, but her eyes will lose that spark she has in them. That tiny piece of pure joy she has.
I was slowly starting to see it back in her eyes but now it’s completely gone. Sure she smiles and jokes a bit, but it never reaches her eyes and I want to bring it back for her. She deserves to be happy again and as she said, ‘have her happily ever after.’
I know we’ve been through a lot, not necessarily together, and we both deserve to be happy and live our lives together. Just like it was always meant to be. Married with kids, pets, nice house. The club life isn’t going to mess up my plans with my woman. I will never let it get in the way of family life.
I just need to make sure to show it to her every day. Sure the club life is dangerous, we do illegal shit, but that doesn’t mean we are bad people. Well depends who you asks. But for the most part we are just regular guys wanting what any other man wants for their home life.
This right now feels like heaven. I’m glad we stayed at the cabin for the night. It’s six in the morning and I can’t sleep so I’m watching Ayden sleeping peacefully in my arms. She’s resting her head on my chest, her hand over my heart. I’m sure even in her sleep she can feel it pounding
for her.
She makes me feel so alive. I don’t know how I went by for the past six years without her. Sure her mom was keeping me updated—I knew how she was doing, well more like what she was telling her mom. I’m sure she never was as happy as she told her mom to be in New York. Hell, she confessed she didn’t have any friends at all or any other boyfriend. That part I’m pretty happy about even if it sounds bad.
She admitted she never moved on because she still loved me. I never moved on or stopped loving her. She’s always been it for me. I realized she was my one and only a couple of months before her fifteenth birthday.
It was weird at first. I always considered her my best friend, more like a little sister. That was until she started to grow into a beautiful woman and make me need more from her than just the amazing friendship we had.
We were celebrating her mom’s birthday at the compound and she was being her chatty self with Gabe and Aleck, they were just joking around and I got this urge to fucking punch them. I remember going to them and demanding she come with me because I needed to talk to her. They all laughed at me, telling me I was a dick.
I didn’t like her being so flirty with them. To this day I wonder if she was doing it on purpose to drive me crazy. She most likely was. She eventually came over to me—I was sulking in my corner and just hugged me and stayed with me the rest of the day. I was already pussy whipped back then.
She’s always been my Achilles’ heel. I can handle pretty much anything—but you hurt her, you’re dead. I should have killed Michael that night I stopped him from taking her in the parking lot of the restaurant. Had I done it back then, nothing would have happened after that. She wouldn’t have had to endure what happened. I sigh to myself. She never would have had her questions answered and would always live with the pressure of knowing the guy who took her the first time could still be watching over her. Fuck I never win with those things.
I wish she would have let me end his life—it would have been easier for me to handle. I know it’s selfish but I can take it. All I hope is that she won’t be haunted by what happened the rest of her life. She needs to be happy and live her life to the fullest.
Saving Ayden Page 22
