Mags arched her brows. “Addison Victoria! Have you forgotten that I have known you since the day you were born? Your expressions have always told a story—whether you’ve intended them to or not—and I’ve become an expert at reading them. We have a shared history, you and me, and I know you just as well as I know myself. I’ve seen you in love before, Addy,” she continued, her gaze softening as she watched me. “This isn’t it.”
Oh God, she was not about to bring up the past, was she? What happened when I was a child was irrelevant! My eyes suddenly felt wet. “Christopher is a wonderful man. I don’t know what you mean.”
Mags looked at me intently, her gaze almost desperate. “He is wonderful, I can see that. But I think you do know what I mean.”
I knew exactly what she meant, and it wasn’t fair. “Mags, you’re being silly! I was a teenager then. I’m an adult now. You saw me fall in love for the very first time, when everything is new and exciting. Christopher’s not my first boyfriend; it’s not going to be the same. I’m more experienced now, more mature. Please don’t turn this into something it’s not.”
Mags adjusted the glasses on the bridge of her nose. “I know Christopher is not your first boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t feel new and exciting. When you’re in love—really, truly in love—those feelings come hand in hand. I’ve been in love with your grandfather for over fifty years now, and every day when I wake up to him lying next to me it feels new and exciting.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “But that’s you and Gramps. You two have been in love forever, you’re childhood sweethearts! It’s not fair to make that comparison.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for fifty years or fifty minutes, Addy. True love shines through. It’s impossible to miss.”
My jaw jutted forward and I dropped my gaze to the floor, not knowing how to respond. Mags reached over and brought me into a tight hug. We stood there for a moment, the sound of our breathing the only thing heard.
“I’m not saying this to upset you, honey. Please know that,” she finally said, putting her hands on my shoulders and stepping back to look into my eyes. “I would never want to hurt you.”
“I know that.” I quickly wiped a tear from my cheek. Swallowing hard, I felt my throat ache as I fought to hold back the flood that threatened to spill over.
“You may not understand this, but I know you. Inside and out. You’re so much like me. And I wouldn’t feel right if I kept this to myself. I have to tell you what I see. Even if you don’t agree with me, even if you can’t understand what I mean. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I kept quiet. You care about Christopher very much—I know that. I just need to make sure you’re positive he’s the one. Before you do something you regret. I love you with all my heart, Addy, and I just want you to—”
“To be happy,” I said, quietly finishing her sentence. The corner of Mags’s lips tipped up into a small smile and she nodded her head. Placing her hand on my cheek, she wiped away a stray tear with the tip of her thumb.
“I love you, too, Mags. So much. You mean the world to me. And I understand what you’re saying, and I appreciate it. I have always gone to you when I’ve had a problem and you’ve helped me work through it. In many ways, you’re my best friend—just don’t tell Ruby.” I attempted a slight laugh. “But I am happy with Christopher. And I need you to trust me.”
“I do trust you, sweetie, and I know you’ll do the right thing. You’re such a smart girl, ever since you were knee high to a cricket. And I am so proud of the woman you’ve grown into. You amaze me every single day. I never had a daughter of my own, just a bunch of boys,” she said with a grin. “And you are so much more than a granddaughter to me—you’re my best friend, too. I just want you to think about this. Okay? Promise me you’ll consider what I said. And afterward, if you tell me you are a hundred percent positive Christopher is the one, I’ll accept that and never doubt it again.” Mags brought me in for another hug and I felt her sigh deeply against me. “We can talk more tomorrow, if you like.”
I nodded. “I promise. I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you, Addy, that’s all I ask.” She was quiet for a moment before speaking again. “But I’d like to leave you with something . . . You never did answer my question.”
I searched her expression, looking for a clue to what she meant. “What question is that?”
Mags’s face softened as tears glistened in her eyes. “You never said you love him.”
I dropped my gaze to the floor, the heaviness of the conversation taking its toll. Looking back up, I took a deep breath. “We’ll talk more tomorrow,” I promised.
Only, we never got the chance.
Later that night, while I slept in the bedroom where I had grown up, Mags passed away peacefully in her sleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
The entire morning was a blur. After my mother woke me to share the news, I felt my entire world crash down around me in tiny pieces. It couldn’t be true. Mags couldn’t be gone. Only, she was. And nothing I did or said would ever bring her back.
Gramps had found her just after the sun came up, when he realized it was seven a.m. and she had not yet awoken. She was lying in their bed, a peaceful expression eased across her face. She looked as if she were sleeping, but when he nudged her, she didn’t move.
Instinctively, he knew she was gone. Not knowing what to do first, he called 9-1-1, then proceeded to call my parents to tell them what happened.
We raced over, still in our pajamas, and sat with Mags until the paramedics arrived. After listening for a heartbeat and feeling for a pulse, examining for signs of breathing and pupil reaction to light, Christopher confirmed her death, stating she must have had a heart attack in her sleep.
He assured us that she felt nothing, no pain or fear, and that much was evident by the look of serenity that marked her features. Mags and Gramps had always been so happy, smiling and laughing together, but this time Gramps’s expression didn’t mirror hers. He looked like half the man he had been only the night before, when life had been almost perfect.
After they entered my grandparents’ home, the paramedics contacted Medical Control, and before they transported her to the nearest facility, they allowed us some more time to sit with her, praying, crying, and holding her hand.
The aftermath of her death felt unreal, as if I were watching a movie and it was not actually happening in real life. My life.
I left the room so Gramps and my parents could say their good-byes in private and waited patiently for my turn. Sinking deep into the cushions of the couch, I listened to the sounds of life happening around me. The chirps from the orioles outside the window and the quiet echo of conversation taking place between Christopher and the paramedics felt mocking. Especially now, as death hovered in the farmhouse like an unwanted thief, snatching Mags away in the middle of the night while the rest of the world slept, unknowing.
When my parents entered the family room, their eyes were red and swollen. The pain of losing Mags was thick in the air, mind-numbing and suffocating, and I felt something flare deep in my chest. I stood up and walked to them, hugging both tightly. “Daddy,” I whispered, my head tucked into the crook of his neck. “I’m so sorry.”
His embrace loosened and I felt him crumple. I had never seen him cry before but he shook now, his sadness getting the better of him. Emotions clouded my mind but tears never came. As sad as I was, I couldn’t cry. Not that day or the next. It was as if I couldn’t believe what was happening, like none of it was real. Even when my grandfather came into view, appearing older and smaller than I had ever seen him look. The shock of white hair on top of his head shot out in opposite directions, and the corners of his mouth appeared weighted down, as if he would never smile again.
“I’m so happy you had the chance to see her one last time, Addy.” Dad whimpered quietly into my hair, his tears wetting the long strands, matting them against my face.
“Me,
too, Daddy.” I kissed his cheek and went over to hug Gramps.
I wrapped my arms around my grandfather’s neck and could feel him quivering softly. “I love you, Grandpa.” He tightened his hold around me, but never said a word.
It was so difficult to see the strongest men I had ever known appear as vulnerable and fragile as children. I knew that no matter how much time had passed, we would never be the same; our family would be forever changed. Mags was our rock. She was the strong, stable matriarch every one of us depended on. She was our foundation, and every part of our family was connected to her in ways that couldn’t be replaced. Mags lived for our family. She was the calm in the middle of the storm. She made everything better. She made things right, not because she fixed my problems but because she taught me how to deal with them, how to fix them myself. And now she was gone.
“Honey,” my mother said quietly, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Do you want to say good-bye before they take her away?” Her voice caught in her throat as she choked out the last words.
I gave Gramps one last squeeze and turned toward my mother, nodding.
“Go take your turn, Addy. Mags would want that,” she encouraged, giving me another hug.
I caught Christopher’s eye from across the room and he nodded. Stepping back, I gave Mom a small smile. “Thank you,” I said, and disappeared down the hall. I must have been in that hallway a million times before, playing hide-and-seek with my cousins as a child or just walking down it throughout the years to admire the cluster of family photographs that decorated the walls. Pictures of me growing up, of my parents, of my grandparents’ other children and their wives and offspring, of Mags and Gramps and the farm. The celery green walls that had always seemed so relaxing and cheerful now lacked the lightheartedness I had known before. Everything felt dark and empty.
Slowly, I entered my grandparents’ bedroom, my eyes on the still figure lying underneath the sheets. I walked up to the side, my breath hitching when Mags’s face came into view. Swallowing hard, I grasped her hand as I settled down in the chair next to the bed.
Her fingers felt cool and rigid inside the warmth of my grasp. Thanks to my medical background, I had an understanding of what was going on, of the changes that were taking place inside her body as the minutes and hours slowly ticked by.
In a dreamlike state, I studied her outline and the fine lines that etched her face. Memories of Mags came racing back like waves rushing toward the shore. They crashed around me in a resounding roar, filling my ears and throat, suffocating me with their intensity.
I recalled an incident when I was a child, when Mags let me help her make an open-faced pumpkin pie the day before Thanksgiving. I watched closely as she kneaded the pie dough, tucking it inside the silver tin, then it was my job to fill the center with the homemade pumpkin filling. But the bowl was heavier than I expected and it fell out of my hands, its contents splashing all over the floor. Immediately, I began crying, worried that Mags would be upset. I sank to the floor, trying to clean up the mess I had made when suddenly I felt her soft hand cup my cheek. I looked up and Mags was grinning.
“You know what I do when things don’t go exactly as I plan?” Sniffling, I shook my head. “I eat ice cream.” She helped me off the floor and sat me down at the large rectangular table, placing a big bowl of chocolate fudge swirl in front of me.
“Now, you eat up,” she said, “But don’t tell your parents—they’ll have my head if they knew I gave you a treat before dinner.” She sat down with me and we shared the ice cream, laughing about the different fumbles she’d made in her life.
“We all make mistakes, Addy. The most important thing is that we learn from them and we never allow them to keep us from trying again.” By the time we got around to cleaning up the pie, the filling had dried and crusted against the floor.
This is really happening . . .
“What am I going to do without you?” I finally choked out. Everything I wanted to say suddenly felt trapped inside my throat, as if speaking the words out loud would make everything real. And I didn’t want it to be real. More than anything, I wanted to wake up in my bed and find it had all been a dream.
That Mags was still alive and well. That she wasn’t lying lifeless before me. I didn’t want to think about how she wouldn’t be there to help me with my problems or to see me get married. That my future children would never have the chance to meet the woman who had influenced my life more than anyone ever had or ever would.
The thought that continued to play over and over in my mind was did she know how I felt about her? Was she aware of how deeply I loved her? The idea of never being able to tell her again . . .
“I can’t believe this is happening . . . One minute you were here and the next minute you were gone. It’s not fair!” I took a deep breath, wondering if I would be able to go on. “You mean everything to me, and I will always treasure the wisdom you have passed on. You’ve taught me to believe in myself and to look at the bright side of things, even when everything seems impossibly dark. You taught me to speak my mind, no matter what, even if my voice shakes when I do it. You’ve helped me to understand the importance of never having regrets, and how everything in life has a lesson, even if we can’t see it right away. And you taught me how important family is, and that we should never take them for granted. Knowing you won’t be here anymore, it hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced before.”
I felt my eyes moisten, but still the tears wouldn’t come. Closing my eyes, I leaned back into the chair and shook my head, trying to wake up from the nightmare. But I couldn’t. I was awake, possibly more awake than I had ever been, and this nightmare wasn’t going to go away. I looked down at Mags, whose hand was still in mine, and noticed the beds of her nails were starting to turn a bluish-gray.
“I can’t say good-bye to you.” I winced, the words coming out of my mouth feeling unnatural and ugly. “You once told me that if I couldn’t find a happy ending, maybe it was time to look for a new beginning. How is anything supposed to be happy now?” Anger started to bubble in the pit of my stomach, and before I could stop, it consumed me. “This isn’t fair!” I said again, louder this time. “You’re the strongest person I know. How could this have happened?”
I stood up and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to get closer. “And now I have to let you go. How am I supposed to do that?” I asked softly. “You’re my best friend. I can’t do this without you. I’m not even sure how to try!” I took a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs until there was no room left. Slowly, I let it slip out, knowing my time was almost up. The memories, the hugs, the “I love yous,” they were over. There would never be any more to add to the list we started twenty-eight years before. “I have never known pain like this before, Mags. And as much as it hurts, if I had the chance, I would do it all over again. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, and I’m a better person because I have felt your love.”
My shoulders tensed as I stood up from the bed. Bending down, I kissed the top of her head and walked out of the room, not looking back.
I entered the family room, my eyes searching for my parents. Devastation lined their faces in a way I had never seen before. The happy, contented expressions they’d been wearing the night before were replaced now by dark shadows and lines. They looked older somehow, broken by the void that now sat in their hearts.
And Gramps. Just the sight of him shattered me. He and Mags had been together since childhood; they had never even dated anyone else. He looked small and fragile as the paramedics went to the bedroom to lift Mags onto the stretcher. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he must be going through. The weight of his loss weighed heavily on him, and I wasn’t sure how he would survive without the love of his life, the woman he had been with for so many years.
“Addy,” Mom said, walking over and putting her arm across my shoulders. “Let’s go home for a bit, leave your father and Gramps some time to themselves.”
“Are y
ou sure we shouldn’t stay? Don’t we have to start making arrangements?”
“If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know,” Christopher offered, walking over to where we stood. “I can make the initial phone calls, put the wheels in motion. That way your family can grieve without having to worry about arrangements.”
Mom placed her hand on Christopher’s arm. “That’s very nice of you to offer. Let me talk to Addy’s father first and see what he thinks. Thank you.” Her lips pulled up at the corners but the smile never reached her eyes.
Moving closer to him, I allowed Christopher to wrap me into a tight hug. “How are you?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged my shoulders and leaned against him, shaking my head. “This can’t be happening.”
Christopher turned his head toward mine, placing his lips on my forehead. “I’m so sorry, Addy.”
“Me, too,” I said, sighing deeply.
“Are you two hungry?” Mom asked. “Let’s go back home and I’ll make a late breakfast.”
Slowly, we made our way onto the front porch and then through the meadow separating our house from my grandparents’.
Looking out over the fields, as the early afternoon sun shined brightly across the tips of the crops, memories came flooding back to me. Memories of my childhood, memories of Mags. I let out a shallow sigh, my heart plummeting into my stomach. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw the stretcher being raised into the ambulance as we walked through the door.
But still, I couldn’t cry. I wanted to. I knew my tears were buried behind my eyes, they just wouldn’t come out. They sat like an overwhelming weight inside me, unwilling to budge.
I sat at the kitchen table and watched Mom as she worked over the stove, making a breakfast I knew I would never eat. Occasionally, she would sniffle or raise her hand to her cheek, brushing aside a tear. It was so easy for her to feel the pain. What was wrong with me? If I could just let go, maybe the heaviness that surrounded me would begin to ease. Maybe my lungs would be able to take a cleansing breath, maybe the ache in my heart would calm.
Strawberry Wine Page 17
