Shaking my head, I snorted a sound of disapproval. “God, you sound like my mother! What does crying have to do with it? It’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to bring Mags back. All it’s going to do is give me puffy eyes and a runny nose.”
“Come on, Addy! Why do you always hold everything in?” she asked, leaning her shoulder into mine. “You’ll feel better after you cry. It’s a stress reliever. I do it all the time. There ain’t no shame in my game!”
“That’s you.” I felt the corner of my mouth lift slightly.
“You are so stubborn, you know that? What would Mags say?”
“She’d probably tell me to get over myself,” I said, laughing softly. I turned toward her and sighed. “I’ll look into it after everything’s done, okay? Maybe then I’ll be able to squeeze out a few tears.” Raising my hand, I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the sky. I didn’t want her to know that I was afraid if I allowed myself to cry, I might never stop. “Will that make you feel better?”
“You’re hopeless.” She stood up and reached her hand out to me. “Come on. Let’s get to work before we get wrinkles from all this squinting.”
I smiled, peeking up at her through the sunlight, and took her hand.
* * *
When I walked into the funeral home Tuesday morning, I heard the bluesy voice of Johnny Cash singing in the background. The pictures Ruby and I had put together were off to one side not far from the entrance, and the scent of pumpkins teased my nose, warm and rich, so much like my grandparents’ kitchen on Thanksgiving afternoon.
Ruby and I had worked late into the night, and she’d taken everything with her so she could set up without me, putting pictures in their places and lighting the candles before we arrived.
A pleasurable sensation made its way over me as I took in Ruby’s hard work. The memory tables were arranged like stations, each one encompassing a different chapter of Mags’s life. One table represented my grandmother as a young and vibrant girl, growing up on the farm her parents had owned. She was youthful, her face cheerful and bright as the unpredictable future lay ahead of her.
Another table displayed pictures of her and Gramps after they got married and the life they shared before starting their family. Settling down on my grandfather’s family farm, dancing together on the porch of their home, working hard to foster the roots of a new generation.
My grandparents were so much in love, and had been since they were very young. I could only hope to have a marriage half as happy and satisfying as theirs one day.
The next table revealed Mags as a mother, growing older with her children, relishing the memories they were building together.
The final display represented the extended family Gramps and Mags had helped create, their children and their children’s children, extending across the long branches of the family tree that would continue to grow for years to come.
I looked over the tables with pride, taking in the deep impression Mags had made over the years. She lived her life to the fullest, and she did it with such grace and enthusiasm.
“This is amazing, Addy,” Mom said, walking up behind me. Her arms circled around my waist and she rested her chin on my shoulder. She sighed softly as she gazed over the tables. “She was an amazing woman.”
I turned to give her a hug. “Do you really like it?” I asked, my face buried in the soft waves of her dark blond hair. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied the open casket against the back wall.
“I love it. Everyone will. You and Ruby did such a fantastic job.” She pulled away, her eyes traveling across the large room. “I wonder where your grandfather is.” She shook her head, worry etched across her face.
“Dad spoke with him earlier,” I said, trying to ease her mind. “He just needs some time alone. I think that’s why he didn’t want to drive over here with us. Some people need more space than others.”
Mom turned to me with a distracted smile. “I know, I just can’t help but worry. It’s the mother in me, I guess.” Her eyes continued to look around, sweeping periodically toward the door. Her expression relaxed once my grandfather walked in. “Finally,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I was worried he wouldn’t get here before the guests. We only get so long to visit with her in private before they arrive.”
Scanning the room, I noticed several of my grandparents’ closest friends and relatives had arrived while I was looking over pictures.
My gaze finally landed on Gramps. He was a tall man, with strong shoulders from years of laborious work. He carried himself with a dignity learned from years of honest employment and hardships that only other farmers would understand. He’d always said working in the fields was just as rewarding as watching his family grow, and he refused to slow down, even though he was well past the age of retirement.
He made his way toward where his sons stood, hugging each of them tightly before greeting their wives. He looked pale and tired in the black suit he wore, the lines on his face deeper than they’d been the day before.
“I’m going to go see him,” Mom said softly as she looked me in the eye. “You should, too.”
“I will. Let me just make sure everything is taken care of.” I gave her a smile. “You go ahead. I’ll be along shortly.”
Spotting the funeral director near the front door, I wandered over to discuss how the day would play out, when the prayer service would take place, and when guests would have an opportunity to share their memories of Mags. After I smoothed over details, I searched for Gramps, wanting to catch him before his time would be monopolized by well-wishers. The funeral home was beginning to fill, and I turned back and forth, trying to locate him in the growing crowd.
“Looking for someone?”
Surprised, I turned to the voice. “Gramps,” I said, allowing him to fold me into his arms. “How are you?”
He took a slow, deep breath. “I had an epiphany last night.”
“What’s that?” I asked, my face pressed tight against the wool of his suit.
“‘In the midst of life we are in death.’ Have you ever heard that quote before?”
I stepped back and shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
Gramps’s eyes moved across the room and lingered over the casket. “It’s a confirmation of our mortality. Your grandmother—she made every moment of her life count, from the second she woke up in the morning until the moment her eyes closed at night. I have never known anyone like her, and I have never known a pain like this. I feel it deep in my chest, I feel it in every bone in my body.” He took a handkerchief out of the pocket of his jacket and held it briefly to his nose. His eyes fixed intently on mine. “I sat up last night because I was too afraid to go to sleep. Do you know why?”
I shook my head.
“Because I realized today would be the last day I would ever see her face again, until I join her in heaven, that is, and I am going to miss that face more than the sun misses the sky at night.” He paused. “But at the same time I feel grateful.”
The expression of surprise and confusion on my face made Gramps chuckle.
“I have been a very lucky man to have known the love and loyalty of a woman like your grandmother. The happiness we felt watching our crops ripen in the fields, of sharing the splendor of the sunrise with our children before the work of the day began, that’s something I will cherish until the day I take my last breath. Not everyone slows down to appreciate such things, but we did. Every single day. Maggie made my dreams come true. She worked tirelessly beside me, even through the disappointments and pitfalls life sometimes brings. And she did it with a smile. That woman never complained,” he said, shaking his head. His eyes misted over. “I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in life. But like every living thing, we’re only allowed to walk in the sun for a short while. I’m happy to have walked with your grandmother. I’m happy she chose me to spend her life with.”
A thick lump formed in my throat, and for the first time I was worried I wou
ldn’t be able to stop my tears from falling. I reached up on tiptoes and threw my arms around his neck. “You’re a wonderful man, Gramps. One of the best people I have ever known. I am so sorry for your loss, I don’t even know what to say.” The burning in the back of my throat intensified as I grappled with the reality. I swallowed hard, but the sensation wouldn’t disappear. This would be the last time I ever saw Mags, too. In the chaos of everything, I never looked at it that way until that very moment.
“My God, did Maggie love you,” he whispered fiercely, stepping back. With a solemn smile, Gramps reached over and touched my cheek, causing a shiver of emotion to move through me. “From the moment she first saw you, it was as if the stars shined in your eyes.” His tired gaze searched my face. Finally, he sighed. “Come on, Addy-Cake, let’s go see your grandma. She’s waiting to say good-bye.” He held out his elbow, and I linked my arm through his and let him steer us toward the casket.
A feeling of panic began to swirl deep in my stomach. I couldn’t do this! There was no way I could look at Mags now, not after the moment I’d just shared with Gramps.
How did this even happen? I’d come back to Lakeside to introduce my family to my fiancé, and now I was laying Mags to rest. This was supposed to be a happy time; instead my heart was breaking. Life changes fast, it changes in an instant, and somehow I had to figure out how to make sense of it without the wise words of Mags to carry me through. One minute she was here, happy and healthy, the next minute . . . gone.
The painful realization sank in. Once the glossy cedar casket closed, I would never see my grandmother again. I would never see her smile or get to listen to her clever ramblings. Over time, her voice would be harder for me to remember, and I would eventually forget what it felt like to be enclosed in her arms.
We walked closer to her, my vision clouded by the tears I had not yet shed, until finally we stood at the foot of the bed her body would sleep in for the rest of eternity. I blinked, once, twice, trying to clear away the curtain of emotion.
When my gaze traveled over Mags, I felt like I was trapped in a dream. She looked so much like herself, yet different somehow.
All at once, I lost control. My eyes swam with tears as I succumbed to the fact that this was it. Pain squeezed my lungs, and as I labored for breath, the room began to spin as the walls closed in around me.
“Addy? Are you okay?”
The sound of my grandfather’s voice was muffled and quiet, as if I were listening to him from underwater. “I just need some air,” I managed to choke out.
Turning, I ran through the funeral home and out into the sunlight, ignoring the shocked expressions of the people around me. Thoughts of suffocation filtered through my mind as I fought to fill my lungs with oxygen. It was so hard to breath! How would my family react if they’d lost me, too?
Without thinking, I followed the stone walkway around to the back of the building, my eyes reaching out to the empty acreage in the distance. Quickening my pace, my strides widened until I broke into a sprint. I had no idea where I was going or what I would do once I got there, all I knew was that I needed to get away from the casket positioned in the center of the room as if it had every right to be there.
A fire ignited in my chest and spread through my veins as I made my way across the uneven terrain, my ankles twisting against the lumpy ground. The searing pain in my legs intensified as it blanketed across me, forcing me to drop to my knees. The hem of my dress fanned out around me in the dirt. Bending forward, I clutched the earth as I struggled for breath and a loud sob escaped before I could swallow it back. With deep, ragged gasps, a numbness consumed me, the grief I’d been holding in fighting to come out.
You’re not allowing yourself to grieve because you don’t want to let go. A voice surrounded me and I recognized it immediately. Brushing the tears from my cheeks, I held my breath, waiting for more.
“Mags?” I asked out loud, unable to believe what I was hearing.
Don’t hide from your heartache, Addy. It will follow you if you don’t let it out. Her voice was so clear and vivid, as if she were standing right there in the middle of the plowed field.
“You’re dead,” I said, stating the obvious.
I will always be alive in your heart. All you have to do is pay attention and you’ll feel me there.
I lifted my head and stared out across the field, wondering if I’d lost my mind. Once people die, that’s it. They’re gone. They don’t come back from the dead to teach life lessons.
“Addison?”
This time, the words came from behind me, but they didn’t belong to Mags. They were deep and soft, and my pulse pounded with familiarity. I knew then I had surely gone insane.
“Addison.” My name came again, a little closer this time.
My heart froze in my chest. Slowly I turned my head, dragging my eyes to the owner of the voice as a wave of recognition washed over me. “Jake?” I whispered, realizing I must have died from suffocation after all. But thank God I had gone to heaven.
His sapphire eyes bored into mine as he reached down to help me to my feet, and his touch felt so . . . real. Before I could stop myself, I brought my fingers to his cheek, the feeling of stubble against my palm. “Are you really here?”
“I’m really here.” And his voice. Damn it. It was so soothing and familiar. Even though it had been years since I’d heard it last, it still had the ability to send tingles through my veins.
Without warning, my eyes filled, clouding the man that stood in front of me. He opened his arms and I fell into them, allowing my tears to spill over in hot, aching streaks.
Chapter Twenty-Four
With the hot Georgia sun beating down on our shoulders, I cried until I was empty, until the pressure that sat on my chest lifted and the walls of my throat expanded, easing the smothering loss.
And it felt good. It felt good to release the anguish I’d been holding on to. It felt good to be back in Jake’s arms. I leaned against him for a long time, my cheek pressed tightly to his chest, oddly comforted by his presence. The thudding of his heart soothed me, calming my pain and drying my tears. He held me, running his hand up and down my back in tender, soothing strokes.
Slowly, I lifted my gaze to his. It was as if I had stepped back in time and the memories that had grown blurry around the edges came back into focus, rushing toward me like a sudden gust of wind.
My breath came out in shallow bursts as I searched his face, every inch of it seared deep into my mind. His hair was a little shorter than I remembered, but still dark and wavy as it tumbled over his forehead. And his eyes, my God, his eyes. Just as blue and intense as the ones in my memory. He stood tall and tan, his shoulders broad and his waist narrow, just as they had been ten years before, and the added years on his face only made him more attractive.
But Jake Grady had been so much more than just an attractive face.
The first time I had laid eyes on him, I thought it was love at first sight, not that I believed in that anymore. But the connection we had so many years ago was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, or since, even while dating in college. And the realization of that now made me shiver. We’d only been kids at the time, young and naive, but I couldn’t deny that I had never felt the way Jake had made me feel, not even with the man I was supposed to marry. For a few months, during that long, hot summer, I’d known what it felt like to be completely in love. To feel the raw excitement of so many firsts and the fierceness and passion that came along with them.
Then came the moment everything had changed. A moment I still had trouble believing had happened, and not only that, had been brought on by me.
Breaking up with Jake had been the hardest thing I had ever done, but at the time it had made sense—it was the only thing that made sense. He would be leaving for Texas and our relationship would end, and my heart and pride would have been torn to pieces along with it. Following a breakup a few years ago, I typed Jake’s name into Google, shamelessly snooping fo
r information, and what I’d found crushed me. An engagement announcement from the Houston Times declaring his upcoming nuptials with a Tamara WhatsHerName, a fashion designer from Dallas whose picture looked more like a supermodel gracing the cover of Cosmo than the designer who dressed them. Of course. She was exactly the kind of woman I had always imagined him with; it never made sense what he’d seen in me.
So that was it. Jake had moved on, it was time I did, too.
He stared down at me so intently it felt like a caress. “Are you all right?” he finally asked, still holding on to me.
Averting my gaze, I felt a peculiar warmth spread across my cheeks and travel south, consuming my whole body. I forced my eyes back up to his. “I’m . . . um. I’m good. I mean, not right now of course, but in general—I’m good. Before this week, anyway, if that’s what you meant.” I nodded.
The corner of his lips tipped up into that slow, familiar smile and I felt my knees weaken just a little. “I’m sorry. I know this must be awkward seeing me here after all these years.”
“What? Me? Awkward? No. Not at all,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m totally comfortable with this. Really. I just . . . I wasn’t expecting to see you at the funeral. Or out here,” I said, looking around the vast field we stood in. Oh my God! Just. Stop. Talking. I bit the inside of my cheek, desperate to keep my mouth from opening again.
The intensity of his gaze was unnerving. He smiled gently, catching a lock of hair that had blown across my cheek and tucking it back behind my ear. “It’s been a long time.”
Emotion clogged my throat. “Yes, it has,” I said, swallowing the burn. “A very long time.”
His eyes fixed on mine as he studied my face. “I’m sorry about Mags. I know how much she meant to you. When my aunt told me what happened, I drove in for the funeral. I had just walked inside when I saw you run out. You looked pretty upset. Thought maybe you could use a friend. I hope you don’t mind me following you out here.”
I shook my head. “No, of course not. I just needed some air.” I bit my lip, the unexpected reunion jumbling my brain. “Thank you for driving all the way here. My family will be happy you came. I mean, that you traveled all this way to pay your respects.” The thought of him standing there holding on to me was overwhelming; it crowded my mind until I couldn’t think straight. I took a step back, breaking the hold. “Mags always did like—”
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