We finally cleaned up the campsite and loaded up all of our gear.
“You know Steve, Mallory and Greyson have to pass right by my apartment building on their way home,” I said with my duffle bag slung over my shoulder. “So I’ll just ride back with them.”
“It’s just a car ride, Meg,” Steve replied, reaching out to take my bag. “You won’t ride back with me?”
“I just think this will be easier,” I explained. “I mean, I have a date tonight, remember? With Ben? So I just want to get back home so I can shower and get ready.”
“Meg, you would get home at the same time if I drove you,” Steve said with a hint of frustration in his voice. “That doesn’t make sense.”
I slowly began walking backwards towards Greyson’s truck, not sure of what else to say. My throat felt tight, and I knew I couldn’t spend any more time alone with Steve. It was confusing me, and I didn’t need that before my night out with another man. A very handsome man that I was quite interested in, nonetheless.
Mallory gave me a confused look as I climbed into the back of Greyson’s truck, but she could tell by my face that I didn’t want to talk about it.
“So we’re still on for tonight?” Steve asked towards Griffin and Johnny.
“Yeah, we’ll meet up at my place for some drinks and then we can head over to Mason’s new place for the party,” Johnny said, walking towards his car. “I want you guys to meet that new girl I’ve been talking to. She’ll be there with a bunch of friends tonight. It should be a good time.”
“Depending on what time we get out of work tonight we may come join you,” Mallory said to the guys as she climbed into the truck. “I heard Mason’s place is amazing, so I’m hoping we can at least swing by, even if it’s late. I haven’t seen him for ages.”
“What about you, Meg? Are you going to meet up with us?” Johnny asked before I closed the back door.
“Nope, sorry. I have that date tonight, remember? Maybe it’s time to ask him for a reason,” I said with a smirk. I saw Steve in my peripherals, and he looked angry as he got into his Jeep. I really didn’t say it to hurt him. If anything I think I was just trying to convince myself it was what I wanted.
Everyone finally said their goodbyes and we all headed back into town. By the time I made it back to my apartment, I still had five hours before I had to meet up with Ben. I opted for a long bath and a power nap. By the time I had to get ready I actually felt refreshed and pretty excited for my date, despite a few nervous butterflies in my stomach. My thoughts still occasionally drifted to Steve and our conversation the night before. I wasn’t sure how serious he even was; after all, we had a sizeable amount to drink. That could have been partly to blame for what happened, right? I questioned how much he really meant what he said. This morning though, he still seemed to harbor the same feelings. The whole situation with him confused me, so it was easier on me not to think about it altogether. I tried to push those thoughts as far out of my mind as possible.
I pulled into Luca’s parking lot right on time, and I was surprised Ben’s SUV wasn’t in the lot. I waited for a few minutes, then went inside. It seemed strange to me he hadn’t arrived yet. He was so timely for all of our other dates.
“Hey Meg, where’s Ben?” Greyson asked curiously. “I’m surprised he isn’t here on time, that’s pretty unlike him.”
“I don’t know, I guess he must be running late.” I felt a little uneasy. What if Greyson mentioned anything about our camping trip that made Ben change his mind about coming? Johnny brought up Steve and I sleeping in the back of the truck together, which I’m sure Greyson heard. That could have easily been misconstrued to Ben. I’m sure Greyson had no idea that the situation wasn’t all that unusual for Steve and I. Other than that kiss. “Is Mallory here?”
“Nope, she just left for a delivery. We just finished up for the day, so she’s dropping off our order while I clean up so we can head over to Mason’s party as soon as she gets back,” Greyson explained as he wiped down the counters. “I do have some food for you guys though, do you want me to pull it out now? Or do you want to wait for him? I figured you guys would be eating before I left.”
“No thanks, I don’t feel very hungry. Something feels off to me,” I said honestly. I waited for ten more minutes, sitting at a table in the entryway while Greyson continued to clean behind me. I offered to help him, but he declined.
“Have you tried calling him?” Greyson asked sympathetically. “He would never just stand you up, I hope you know that. Something must be going on. Maybe you guys got your signals crossed or something? I know he would never just bail on you without telling you. There has to be some kind of misunderstanding.”
“I’ve already tried calling him several times,” I confessed, getting flustered. I felt guilty for some reason. What if someone saw Steve and me kiss and they thought there was more to it, and they told Greyson and it got to Ben? I mean, it was just one random kiss and it shouldn’t have happened. I was pretty sure no one else had knowledge of what transpired in the back of that truck, but was I certain? I looked over and studied Greyson, wondering what he really knew.
“Well I’m sure he’ll be at soccer. He never misses that,” Greyson explained.
“Have you talked to him since last night?” I asked nonchalantly. If he said something to Ben about the camping trip, I at least wanted to be prepared for that.
“Nope, Mallory and I were pretty swamped today. Maybe he just forgot you were meeting ahead of time? Maybe you should just head over there. I’m not sure what’s going on, but this seems really unlike him,” he reiterated.
I checked the clock on my phone, realizing I had been waiting for almost half an hour already. Was this really happening? Did he really abandon me yet again on a date? I mean, even if he did know anything about the camping trip, shouldn’t I have a chance to explain what happened? He should at least hear my side of the story - I had no idea any of that was going to take place. My relationship with Steve truly was completely platonic before that kiss. I didn’t exactly see it coming. Ben should at least know that.
See, here it was - love drama. The very thing I tried to avoid. This was why I preferred not caring about someone. This was why I panicked when anything started getting serious. I was so worked up over getting to see Ben, genuinely excited to explore where our relationship was headed - just to be completely let down from him not even showing up.
This really bothered me.
I stood up from the bistro table chair and grabbed my purse. And to think I was finally ready to tell him how I felt about him. I thought I was actually ready for something serious. Now I just felt like an idiot.
CHAPTER 19
“Where’s Ben?” I asked with a hint of anger in my voice, startling two teenaged boys as I pushed the door open that led into the hospital’s gym area. “Is he here?”
At first the boys looked scared to respond to me, but one of them finally nodded his head yes.
“Where is he?” I repeated, scanning the room. I didn’t see anyone else in there.
“Room 206, I think,” one of the boys stammered.
“What?” I asked, a little confused. Why was he in the patient area?
Suddenly I felt a pit in my stomach. Ben’s mom.
I raced out of the gym area and took an elevator up to the second floor. As I stepped off the elevator, I saw a small crowd of people gathered in the waiting area. I scanned their faces, but I didn’t see the handsome familiar one I was looking for.
I wasn’t sure why I even came upstairs. What would I even say to Ben if I saw him? If something serious was happening with his mom, which I figured was the case, he would probably want some privacy. I debated turning around to leave as my eyes finally made contact with his. He had just exited one of the rooms and I could see his eyes were all red and puffy. He gave me a half smile as our eyes locked on each other, but I felt frozen. My limbs didn’t seem to want to move towards him, but I knew it was too late to turn back around.
Some of the people standing in the waiting room reached out to him, giving him hugs and warm pats on the shoulder. He slowly made his way over to me. My throat felt hot and closed.
“So apparently I missed another date with you,” he said quietly, looking at his watch. “I’m so sorry, I lost track of time.”
“Your mom, is she…” I couldn’t even think of the appropriate words.
“She passed away about thirty minutes ago,” he replied. A slow tear slid down his face.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, reaching out my arms. We wrapped ourselves up in each other, and for a brief moment it felt like we were wrapped up in that blanket again on the hood of his car. Everything seemed still, but this setting was far from a sunrise.
“Something happened though. Before she passed,” Ben explained, pulling away from me. He still held onto my hands. “I got my letter yesterday. The one about my grant proposal. They accepted it. I got the grant.”
He spoke as though I completely understood all of the details as to what that meant. The truth was though, we hadn’t really talked much about it.
“I was pretty surprised by it,” he continued. “I’d tried for years, and I kept getting rejected. And I knew this time around, it didn’t really matter. With my mom’s condition, it just wasn’t good timing. I never would’ve considered leaving. I got the acceptance letter yesterday. They’re sending me to Germany for a year to shadow a program already in place over there. My mom kept asking about the letter while I was with her earlier today. I tried lying to her. I told her I didn’t get accepted. But she smiled and handed me an envelope. She told me it was for later. Then within a few hours, all her vitals started crashing and she started seizing. An ambulance came immediately and then… that was it.” His voice was choked up as he spoke, but he seemed to be holding it together far better than I would expect for the magnitude of the situation.
“I laid at her bedside, and I read the letter she gave me. She knew my grant proposal was accepted, because she had been in contact with the organization for months. Apparently she knew I would never go though, not with her being so sick. So she waited until she knew her time was up.”
The emotion in his voice rattled me, and I couldn’t imagine the enormity of everything he had experienced in just the last few hours.
“She also knew I was taking care of her every night,” he said slowly, as tears slid down his face. “She wrote about how she pretended to sleep while I read to her. She knew.” I leaned into him as his tears continued falling. They were wet and warm as they splashed down onto my skin. We stood that way for several minutes, my arms wrapped around him with his hand stroking my hair.
As we stood there, several more family members came off the elevators.
“I should probably go,” I said softly. “You have a lot of people here to visit with.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “I’m really glad you came though.”
“I’m sure this probably isn’t the time to talk about it, but when do you leave? You’re really going to move to Germany?” I asked, not certain I wanted to hear his answer.
“Yeah, I’ll actually be leaving in less than a week. It’s crazy how fast all of this is happening,” he said, staring at me. “I have a lot to deal with here, obviously,” he said, gesturing around the room. “But I’ll be gone in just a matter of days. I have no reason to stay.”
His words stung as he said them.
“So that’s it then?” I said hesitantly, not sure what I expected him to say in return.
Silence filled the space between us, and I didn’t know what else to say. It was such a high and low moment, and I didn’t know how to feel anything in either direction.
“Well, there’s something important I need to ask you,” he began.
For some reason I felt hot and nervous, and I wasn’t prepared for what he said next.
“Would you be willing to take Lucy? I can’t take her with me to Europe,” he said, staring directly into my eyes. “I know you’re terrified of commitment. But I really think you can do this.”
“She’s not reason enough for you to stay?” I asked sarcastically.
“Can I drop her off to you this week?” he asked, touching my face. He still ignored my question.
I felt angry in that moment for some reason. It bothered me that Lucy was being abandoned yet again. I always thought she would be the one to leave whoever loved her. I hated that she was being left all over again. She didn’t deserve any of it.
“Yes. I’ll do it. I’ll keep her,” I said hesitantly. Although the shelter wasn’t a bad place by any means, it still felt like the equivalent of sending a hopeful child back to an orphanage. I couldn’t do it to her.
“That’s a relief. I was kind of scared to ask you,” he said, still looking at me with an intense gaze.
“So, that’s it then? You’re moving, you’ll drop off the dog, and that’s it?” I asked with a waiver in my voice.
“I’m not sure what else you want me to say,” he said honestly.
“I don’t know either, sorry. I guess I was just hoping for more,” I said quietly.
“More of what?”
“I don’t know, more of you. More of us together. More sunrises. I guess, I just… I just want to be the reason that you stay,” I said as a slow tear slid down my face.
He gently kissed my forehead. “I have to go.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant he still had to go to Europe, or if he just had to go back to his family in the waiting room, but either way it sounded finite.
“Of course,” I replied quietly, wiping a tear off my cheek. “I’ll let you get back to everything you have going on here.”
He gave me a half smile and he felt like a stranger to me. I slowly walked back into the elevator, happy it was open and waiting for me. Looks like I was headed down two flights and then back to reality.
A reality which I hoped not to face sober.
CHAPTER 20
I left the hospital and pulled into the parking lot of a small, quaint bar downtown. I huffed inside and sat down on a wooden barstool.
“What can I get you, honey?” a gruff woman in her fifties asked from the other side of the bar.
“Three of everything,” I muttered, slumping into my chair.
“Rough night already?” she asked, pouring me a shot of whiskey. “This usually cures all of my problems. I’m Flora.”
“Megan,” I replied, slugging down the brown liquid. I was disappointed by it’s toxic aftertaste.
“Maybe a tequila would be better,” I suggested, sliding my shot glass back to her. She filled up the glass with a shot of Patron and handed it back to me.
“Judging by how pretty you are, I’d say it’s a man making you drink tonight,” Flora said, putting an elbow on the bar.
“A couple of them actually,” I muttered back, slugging down the tequila. Between Ben’s rejection and Steve’s affection, my mind was a muddled mess. My heart couldn’t figure out who to love and who to hate. They both infuriated me equally in different ways.
“Wanna talk about it?” she asked with a raised brow. The bar wasn’t busy at all so I suppose she had the time, but I wanted to spare her from the whole saga.
“Not really,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders.
“Well as your resident therapist tonight,” she said, motioning her arms around the bar, “I’m going to give you my advice anyway. He’s not worth it.”
“That’s my problem,” I said, raising up my arms. “One of them definitely is.”
“Have you told him how you feel?” she asked genuinely.
“I tried telling one of them tonight,” I said snidely. “Probably the wrong one. It turns out I’m not enough of a reason for him to stick around. So you can imagine how that went.”
“Oh honey, that’s terrible. I’m giving you a shot on the house for that one,” she said, refilling my glass. “What about the other one? Have you told him?”
“I can
’t,” I said, sounding defeated.
“Why not?”
“Because I can never take it back,” I answered honestly. “We’ve been friends half our lives. It’s so much easier to love a stranger. Then you can just change your mind on Monday.”
“That’s not love, sweetheart,” she said sympathetically. “Look, I see it all here. That’s all vapor. It doesn’t exist. Just thinking you’re in love on a whim is a far cry from the real thing. But knowing it’s completely, totally true, and telling that person how you feel? You’re right, that does make it real. And that matters more than anything happening here on a Saturday night.”
“There are moments with him when I feel like I’m going to just blurt it out. But then I can’t say it in those perfect moments when the timing would be right, and I figure my lack of courage is a sign that I should keep my mouth shut.”
“That’s not courage holding you back,” Flora said simply. “That’s rational thinking. And love, like drinking, doesn’t mix with rational thinking.”
“You should hang that up on a sign in here,” I snickered.
“Just a little something I like to live by,” Flora responded with a smirk. “Here’s to changing your life in the next ten minutes,” she said, pouring two shots. We each lifted up our glass and clinked them. “Go tell him. Right now. The one you’re meant to love. Don’t think about it, just drink and go. Go find him and tell him how you feel.”
We each slugged down our shots.
“Go say the words right now,” she said, shooing me off the barstool. “You won’t regret it. No one ever regrets saying those things to the right person, I promise.”
Maybe it was the alcohol surging through my body, but I suddenly felt empowered. Steve really thinks he has a reason to love me? Fine. Let’s just get all of this out already. It’s about time.
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