“I have an umbrella,” I responded, holding up my other hand.
“Real men don’t use umbrellas,” he said stoically, giving a boyish smirk. “Let me grab my keys.”
Within a few minutes we were heading out on the walking paths towards the boat docks. The skies were grey and there weren’t many people out, but I preferred it that way.
“So my relaxing spa day gave me some time to think,” I began, wanting to rid us of any awkward silence. “Thank you for that by the way. And you know what I came up with? You were right. All of you guys were right. Mallory, Johnny…”
Steve started at me with narrow eyes, clearly interested in what I had to say.
“Earlier this summer, you guys all basically called me out for my behavior,” I explained. “I get that now. And you guys were all right. I do need a little hiatus from whatever it is I’m doing. I probably need to stop dating altogether for a little while. Maybe on my own I can work on myself. My relationships with my friends, you, the amount of nights I go out dancing and drinking…” My voice trailed off, hoping Steve would interject. But he didn’t. “I just… I still feel nineteen and irresponsible,” I stated. “And I’m scared to give that up. Like I’m losing my youth by making mature, responsible decisions.”
“You can’t stay nineteen forever, Meg. You’re like a frat party version of Peter Pan,” he said, looking amused by his comment.
“Well, I’m ready to finally take a break from all of that. You know, take my dare seriously and all,” I replied, looking to him for some kind of approval.
“I think that’s a good idea. But you don’t have to be so dramatic, Meg,” Steve responded, lightening up the conversation. “You can still have fun and live life without having to be drinking all the time and hanging on strangers. You’ve always been the life of the party, even without all of the other stuff. I mean, this is kind of fun, right? Walking down to the docks in the rain?” he said with a smirk. A slight spitting mist fell from the grey sky. “It’s also kind of weird, sacrificing our dry clothes and compromising our immune systems for some cheese fries. But it works for me. How does this not make you happy?” He smiled at me, and it felt genuine and comforting.
“This does make me happy,” I answered honestly.
We walked down by the docks, taking in the beauty of the mountains around us and the gentle pitter patter of rain drops on the lake’s surface as the rain intensified from its prior fine mist.
“Look Steve, I know I’ve been terrible to you,” I said, wanting him to know how I felt. “And I don’t even have a good reason for that. You’re the best person I know. Outside of Addie anyway, she’s pretty straight-laced,” I said with a smirk, figuring some humor would keep the conversation light.
“I haven’t exactly handled things well either, Meg,” he responded.
“I just hate feeling distant from you, you know? You’re the only guy I feel like I can be myself with. We can be doing absolutely nothing together and it feels comfortable to me,” I explained, not really sure where I was going with my thoughts.
“Then why does it feel like you’re running away from me?” he asked, stopping his stride.
“Because running towards you would make too much sense,” I muttered quietly.
“Look, I know you have your strong theories about love, or against love I should say. I get it, some guy broke your heart when you were fifteen. But how does that still matter?” he asked, throwing his hands up in the air. “Every girl falls for the wrong guy when they’re fifteen, Meg. That’s just how it works. That’s what you’re supposed to do. But everyone else gets over it. Where is that guy now anyway? What’s he doing?”
“Last I heard he was in jail for an insatiable meth addiction,” I answered with an ironic shrug.
“See? Further proof that guy was an idiot full of nothing but poor life choices. And not choosing to love you was the wrong choice. But you, thinking that’s all any guy is worth? Thinking they’re all going to make that same choice? It’s maddening,” he said, full of emotion.
“I know. Nobody actually falls in love when they’re fifteen,” I said, staring into his hazel-green eyes.
“That’s not what I’m saying at all, Meg,” he replied, sounding frustrated. “I did. I fell in love when I was fifteen. And somehow I still feel the same way about that same messed up, frustrating girl.” He gritted his teeth as he spoke.
“That sounds flattering. Please continue,” I said sarcastically.
“Don’t you want to know the reason I still feel that way?” he asked softly.
I eyed him curiously. “Wait, are you trying to trick me? You’re trying to get me to ask you for a reason?”
“You’re killing me, Meg. No. I’m not trying to ‘trick’ you into anything,” he answered, still sounding frustrated. “I’m just trying to put things into perspective for you.”
“Steve,” I said, shaking my head.
“Don’t,” he replied, reaching out and touching my arms. “That face means you’re going to change the subject.”
“What face? How do you know?” I asked skeptically.
“The corners of your eyes start welling up and your cheeks start to flush. That means panic for you, and then an exit strategy falls out of your mouth,” he explained, staring at me with an intense gaze. “I know you, Meg.” He pulled me in closer to him. “I know you,” he repeated softly.
“Then why don’t you know how to fix me?” I said quietly, leaning into him and resting my head on his chest.
“Because when I look at you Meg, I don’t see a girl who needs to be fixed.”
The slow, sporadic raindrops intensified around us. I could feel Steve’s heartbeat through his shirt. His strong arms around me felt warm and despite the cold water dripping down our bodies, I didn’t want to move. He gently put his hand on my hair, and I looked up at him.
I wanted to say something. Anything. But his eyes made me speechless as they stared back into mine. Before I could utter a rational thought, his lips were pressed against mine. They felt warm and familiar, as if they were the only lips I’d known for quite some time. I felt an intense surge through my body, but yet his touch was gentle.
He slowly pulled away. I looked up at him, unsure of what I wanted to feel in that moment. The logical part of my brain would likely condemn me for my carelessness in being pressed up against him in the first place. But the rest of me wouldn’t wish away what just happened.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly, still staring at me. He gently wiped the rain off my face. “I shouldn’t start making a habit out of it, I know. I understand if you’re not ready. I’m not trying to push you into deciding anything. But I just want you to know that I want this. You. Us. But I can’t do this half way. It means too much to me. So I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you to ask me for a reason.”
Somehow his words triggered my memory back to the night I did ask him for a reason. The night I was finally ready to love him. The night he pretended not to even hear the question. Fear came over me, and I couldn’t ask it again.
Sure, maybe my theory on love was bogus. Maybe it was ridiculous. Maybe it was all in my head and didn’t ring true for anyone else on the planet. But I knew one thing. No girl should ever have to ask a boy for a reason to love her more than once.
CHAPTER 24
“Let me guess, you don’t want to talk about it? You want to get some food?” he asked, breaking my concentration.
I nodded, still afraid to speak. He shook his head in frustration, but then wrapped a strong arm around me.
“I understand,” he whispered into my hair.
“Be patient with me. I’ll get there.”
“Do you really think I’m going anywhere?” he responded softly. “I mean I’ve tried, trust me. But I keep coming back to you.” He smiled at me, and it felt so genuine and real.
He grabbed my hand and we continued our stroll down the docks until we finally reached Snappy Crabs. The rain let up quite a bit, but the out
door seating area was still covered in water from the earlier raindrops.
“Do you want to just take the food back with us?” Steve suggested.
“That’s probably a better idea,” I said with a smirk. “Let’s go back to my place. I have someone I’d like you to meet.”
“If it’s another guy, I’m going to tell you right now that I’m not into it,” he responded, poking me.
“Stop, that’s a terrible thing to say,” I replied with a giggle. “Although I’m guessing my new roommate is probably in my bed as we speak. Just so you’ve been warned.”
“You got a roommate?” Steve asked, looking genuinely confused. “When did that happen?”
“See, I’m a woman of mystery. Maybe you don’t know everything about me,” I teased.
“Try me,” he said, grabbing our to-go order. “You can’t fall asleep unless you have socks on, you’re terrible at parallel parking, you only drink out of ‘fancy’ glasses when you’re home alone, even if it’s just milk because it makes you feel rich inside your tiny one bedroom apartment, you’re slightly colorblind looking at black and navy blue at the same time, and you absolutely can’t stand fluorescent lighting.”
“Nobody looks better near a fluorescent bulb, that’s actually a fact,” I said, pointing a finger at him. “And no one is good at parallel parking. That’s why bumpers were invented.”
“Well I know you would never share your precious closet space with another human, so, I’m guessing when you say ‘roommate,’ you’re referring to a pet,” he continued.
“Yeah, well it could be any number of species, so maybe that’s not an easy guess,” I said, trying to throw him off. I had to admit, he was pretty spot on with his observations. It was mind boggling to think he really knew that much about me. That guy could probably list things for days.
“Well you think cats are smug and judgmental, and birds that talk and anything nocturnal freaks you out. So I’m sure it’s a fair bet that there’s a dog in your bed right now. And I would guess it has brown fur, since you would prefer it matched the color of your sofa.”
“She’s brindle color, but I didn’t pick her for that,” I said, slapping his arm. “Geez, you really do know everything about me. See, where’s the mystery? Isn’t that boring?”
“There isn’t a single boring thing about you,” he said with an endearing tone.
We took our food back to my apartment, laughing as we rode the elevator up eight floors. We should’ve opted for the stairs given that we had a marathon to run in just a few days. But of course the beer and cheese fries weren’t exactly representative of our athletic abilities either.
I opened my apartment door and we headed inside.
“Aren’t dogs supposed to greet you excitedly as soon as you get home?” Steve asked, looking around for my new companion.
“Lucy is old, so she’s a little slow getting around sometimes. She’s still trying to figure this place out, given that it’s all still new to her. Plus she sleeps, like, all the time, so she’s probably not interested,” I replied. “Lucy,” I called out.
She didn’t come.
I waited for a moment as Steve set out our food on the kitchen table, but she still didn’t come out of my bedroom. I walked down the hall, curious as to why she hadn’t made it out to the living room yet.
“Lucy?” I walked into my bedroom, instantly realizing something was wrong. Her breathing was quick, as if she couldn’t catch her breath, but she also looked comatose somehow. I quickly ran over to her, kneeling down to join her in the corner of my room next to the bathroom. “Lucy,” I said quietly, reaching out to pet her fur. She trembled as I stroked her back, and she seemed completely unresponsive to me.
“Meg, what are you doing in…” Steve’s voice stopped as he saw me huddled in the corner with the dog. Her breathing gradually slowed as I continued to pet her. “Is she okay?” he asked softly.
I slowly shook my head.
“Well, we should call somebody. We should take her somewhere. Who should I call?” he asked anxiously, pulling out his phone.
“I’ve seen this happen before. There’s nothing they can do for her,” I replied with a waiver in my voice. “This is it for her.” I continued to stroke Lucy as she continued to tremble against me. “In the hallway closet there’s a blanket. Can you please grab that for me?”
Without hesitation, Steve turned to get the blanket. Lucy stared up at me. Somehow in that moment her eyes didn’t look sad to me. They looked tired and warm, like she was comfortable as her rapid breathing slowed, but I knew if she closed them, they likely wouldn’t reopen.
“Here’s the blanket,” Steve said softly, kneeling down next to me. “What can I do? Tell me what to do.”
“Actually, the best thing for you would be to go, I think,” I said honestly. “I kind of just want to be alone with her.”
“Megan, I’m not leaving you here by yourself right now,” he replied stoically.
“I’m not alone,” I said with a half-smile as a single tear slid down my cheek. Lucy’s breathing continued to slow, and she leaned more of her weight into my lap. I felt scared in that moment, but I knew I had no control over what was happening to her. I knew nature would win this.
“Meg, you don’t have to go through this by yourself,” he said sincerely.
“I don’t want you just sitting here watching me cry,” I replied. My eyes were so full of moisture I knew it was just a matter of time before I had no control over my tears. “I’m fine on my own.”
“I’ve seen you cry before, you know. Do you remember prom night?” he asked with a smirk, surprising me by the change of subject. “You got stood up by that prick and you never showed up. I asked everyone where you were and Mallory told me what happened.”
“And then you, Griffin, Johnny, Kate, and Mal all ditched your dates and showed up at my house,” I said with a slight smile, as another tear slid down my cheek.
“You looked awful,” he teased. “You were sobbing and there was mascara everywhere. Your eyes were so puffy you looked like you got punched in the face. You tried shoving me out the door so you could be alone.”
“And like usual, you didn’t listen. You threw me over your shoulder and into the back of Johnny’s pick-up truck,” I mused.
“And we went down to the beach and had a bonfire in our stupid fancy clothes and we jumped in the lake and drank that bottle of really awful scotch that Griffin stole from his dad’s gold bag. Then we all just laid in the sand and watched the sky. And what did I say to you that night while we were lying there? Do you remember?” His eyes stared into mine with genuine concentration.
“You told me that no beautiful girl should ever be crying alone,” I responded, biting my lower lip.
“I know this is a completely different situation,” he said, stroking the fur around Lucy’s face. “But my point is, you’re always pushing people away. I don’t get that. Life really sucks sometimes. But maybe not going through it alone makes it more tolerable.”
“Unfortunately there are things in this world that you can’t fix.”
“Are we talking about you or the dog here?” he replied softly.
Another slow tear escaped, sliding down my face. I knew there would soon be more.
“Look, I appreciate your intentions. And I know it’s true. Somehow you’ve made everything bad in my life a little bit better. But this,” I explained, slowing stroking Lucy’s fur, “it’s just really personal for me. And I don’t know how to explain it without sounding completely crazy. But I’ve been around this dog for so long now volunteering at the shelter, and I’ve literally had conversations with her that I’ve never had aloud with another human.”
“So she’s the one you tell all your secrets to,” he responded with a slight nod. “At least someone’s hearing them. That means they exist.” He gave me a warm smile.
“Hey, she’s kept those secrets,” I teased. “So I think I owe it to her to ride this out with her.” More tears f
ell down my cheeks, and I think that was enough to make Steve realize in that moment that leaving me alone with Lucy would be the best thing for me. He gently wiped the tears from my face. He bent down and slowly kissed my forehead and then walked out of my bedroom, slowly closing the door behind him.
Lucy looked up at me and my tears came rushing down, splashing onto her face. I just sat there, holding her as she continued trying to catch her breath. It could’ve been minutes or it could’ve been hours, but we sat there together both knowing this would be our last time to share this connection.
As I continued stroking her fur, her eyes slowly started to shut as she fell asleep. Her body on my lap finally felt relaxed and calm. Her breathing almost sounded like a soft snore. Then a quiet whistle. Then a faint whisper.
Then, there was nothing but silence in the room.
CHAPTER 25
As sunlight poured into my bedroom window, I awoke with my head against the wall. I was still sitting on my bedroom floor. I gently covered the blanket around Lucy without looking, and reached for my phone. I dialed the on-call vet and made arrangements for them to pick her up from my apartment.
I took a quick shower and then made my way out of my bedroom into the kitchen to get something to eat. I shouldn’t have been surprised by the scene in my living room, but I was. Steve was asleep on my couch, looking uncomfortable with a thin blanket around him.
I sat down next to him and flicked his arm.
“Do you ever listen to me?” I said as he slowly opened his eyes. “I actually thought you left last night when I told you to.”
“I know, I’m sorry. But I felt weird about it. Just in case you needed something. But don’t be mad. I just didn’t want to leave you here alone.” Steve slowly sat up, rubbing his head. “What time is it?”
“Almost seven. And I’m not mad. I’m fine,” I replied, standing back up.
“Do you want to talk about it? Honestly? I know women always say they don’t want to talk about anything even though they do want to talk about it. So,” he asked hesitantly, “do you want to let me know where you’re at on that scale? The scale of wanting to talk about it?”
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