Bottles in hand, she walked to the sink and stopped.
‘Not the same…how?’ Luke’s voice was soft, persuasive.
She turned slowly to see him standing across the room, just inside the door. His expression was tender with sympathy she didn’t deserve.
How? Such a simple little question. But the answer had the power to rip her apart. Could she bear to see disgust in his eyes once he knew?
She was a foolish woman who’d stayed too long in a danger zone.
A sad, tragic creature who’d been too slow to accept her husband didn’t want her or the baby she carried.
Her folly had cost her everything. Her marriage, her husband.
And the biggest price of all, her baby.
Perhaps Luke had been right that evening in her lounge. Perhaps he did need to know the worst about her. As a colleague, as her boss, as a friend. Maybe most of all as the doctor to whom he’d entrusted his daughter’s well-being.
‘My marriage wasn’t like yours, Luke. We had…problems.’ How laughably feeble and mild that sounded.
Solemn blue eyes examined her face calmly. ‘Tell me. Whatever it is. I won’t think less of you.’
Her throat closed on the urge to be sick. She knew better. Her hands tightened on hard smoothness and she looked down, surprised to see she still held the bottles.
‘Peter was taking me to the airport when the explosion happened.’ Her larynx felt raw and tender. ‘I wanted to come home. He d-died because I wanted to come home.’
‘Oh, Terri.’
In two strides, he was there in front of her. She watched numbly as he removed the bottle from one hand then the other. With her hands empty, he gathered her into his arms. His body heat was startling.
‘You can’t think that way,’ he said. ‘You’ll destroy yourself.’
She wound her hands around his waist. With her ear pressed to his chest, she could hear the steady beat of his heart. After a long silence, she said, ‘We were arguing when the car hit a l-landmine.’
‘Poor sweetheart,’ he murmured. ‘And you feel bad because of that.’
She didn’t deserve his understanding. She had to make him see, push out the ugly facts until he turned from her as he should. ‘If he’d been p-paying more attention, he might have seen something to warn him, a flaw in the road surface. Or something.’
‘Hush.’ Luke hugged her tighter. ‘You know it’s pointless to think like that. He probably wouldn’t have seen anything. That’s why mines are such bloody awful weapons. You know that.’
His body curved over hers, holding her as though she was precious, reminding her of the way he’d been so protective with Allie. With his strong nurturing instinct, he was so unlike Peter.
Peter had loved mankind. He hadn’t had time to cater to the needs of a wife. His need to serve had been noble and laudable but so very hard to live with. She’d felt petty and selfish asking for more for herself. For needing more.
Being enveloped in Luke’s caring was glorious.
And it was torture.
She wasn’t entitled to his good opinion. He still didn’t know everything.
She swallowed and gathered the courage to let go the next piece of poison. ‘I was leaving him, Luke. My marriage was over. I c-couldn’t be the person he needed me to be. I failed him. I f-failed…I failed.’ The words to make him understand the rest choked in her throat.
‘No, you didn’t. Marriages don’t always work, sweetheart. It’s sad but it’s life.’
He thought she’d finished but she hadn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him the worst. She’d failed again. She was a coward.
His warm hand cupped her neck, the fingers stroking her sensitive skin gently. She stood passively in his arms, her attention on each delicate movement, storing the sensory memories for the future.
‘What’s so bloody unfair for you is the way you lost Peter and the timing. But it’s not your fault, Terri.’
‘Don’t.’ She squeezed her eyes shut as a hot lump in her throat threatened.
‘Don’t what?’
‘Just don’t.’ She turned her head, pressed her hot face into the cool skin of his neck, feeling the steady bump of his carotid pulse against her forehead.
He shifted and her awareness of the hard body clasping hers changed abruptly. Her pulse sped up.
She should pull back…started to move. His head bent slightly and his breath whispered across her cheek. If she tipped her head a little and reached up, she’d be able to press her mouth to his.
It wouldn’t be right to take more than the comfort he’d given so generously, especially when she had so little to offer in return.
But suddenly she didn’t care. She wanted something for herself. A kiss, his kiss. Whatever he was prepared to give her in this moment. She wanted to feel desirable again, to remind herself how that felt.
She tilted her chin, but still he didn’t move. Another millimetre nearer and still he waited with infinite patience. Each beat of her pulse pushed her a little closer.
And then the perfect, heart-stopping moment when her lips touched his.
Just the gentlest caress, the barest pressure. Exquisite. His mouth moved on hers, rubbing, nibbling, until the nerve endings in the sensitive skin were alive.
A gift to herself. The beauty of it held her enthralled. She whimpered when he pulled back. Not enough. More. She wanted more.
His hand lifted to tidy a strand of her hair. She suppressed a gasp as he tucked it behind her ear. As his fingers touched the rim, she could feel the tremor in them. Her heart squeezed painfully.
His hand dropped back to her shoulder and after a moment he said, ‘I should go.’
‘Should you?’
‘Oh, God. Terri.’ With his forehead resting on hers, he rubbed his hands slowly up and down her arms. ‘This is too important for us to rush. I don’t want you to do anything that you’ll regret.’
‘I won’t. I wouldn’t be.’
He pulled back and looked down at her. His throat moved in audible swallow and then he smiled. ‘Don’t tempt me,’ he said with mock severity. ‘I’m trying to do the right thing here.’
‘I know.’ If she pushed him now, he would give her what she wanted—sweet relief from the thoughts in her head. He was as vulnerable to the chemistry between them as she was. But she couldn’t do it, he deserved more.
‘We need to talk some more before we go any further.’
‘Luke…’ She suppressed a sigh. ‘You can’t solve everything by talking about it.’
He cocked his head, his smile teasing. ‘Is this the same woman who solved my problems with my daughter by getting us talking?’
‘That was different.’
‘In some ways. We do have to talk and we will, but not now.’ He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and stepped away from her. ‘Sleep well, darling.’
‘Yes,’ she said, knowing she wouldn’t. ‘Thank you.’
‘My pleasure.’ He reached out again and stroked his fingers down her cheek as if he couldn’t resist touching one more time. ‘See you tomorrow.’
‘Sure. Tomorrow.’ Terri watched him go, knowing it was for the best. Much as she ached for his embrace, he was right. She should be grateful he’d decided to leave before she did something they’d both be sorry for.
She wondered what he’d have done if she’d begged him to take her to bed. If she’d begged him to help her forget for a whole night. Not just the precious minutes when his kindness, his touch, his kiss had given her respite from her pain.
She’d wanted to be selfish. To beg, cajole, humiliate herself, until he gave her more. Until he gave her everything.
Her marriage had been far from a meeting of soul-mates. Friendship with Luke was richer and more fulfilling than all the sacred vows she’d taken with Peter. Too valuable to risk on the fleeting satisfaction of something more physical.
Besides…Luke was her boss, her colleague. And most importantly, Luke was a father with a dau
ghter who needed him very much right now.
Terri took a deep breath and faced the truth. The last thing Luke needed was someone as broken as she was, clinging and demanding his time and attention.
Luke jammed his hands into his jeans pockets and took a deep lungful of air. The sweet smell of freshly mown grass mingled with the damp of the evening, helping to soothe his frazzled nerves. Leaving Terri was torment. But if he was to have any integrity at all, he had to.
He blew out a long breath.
She’d opened up to him, told him things that made his gut ache with the agony of them. He’d held her slender frame, felt the silent bottled-up grief in her trembling body, and he’d wanted to weep for her. Regardless of the state of her marriage, having Peter ripped from her life like that was a tragedy almost beyond comprehension.
Any hopes, any dreams, any chance of reconciliation had been lost in an instant. Cruel, senseless, irrevocable.
He was almost sure there was more. But why hadn’t she told him? She was a very private person. Perhaps telling him as much as she had was all she could handle to start with. He could respect that and when she was ready to tell him more, he’d be there for her.
They’d made a start and he’d been content with that…
Until she’d instigated the kiss.
Then his altruism had evaporated and he’d wanted everything a red-blooded man wanted from a beautiful woman.
He’d wanted to break all his self-imposed rules.
He wasn’t proud of himself. Knowing that, given the tiniest bit more encouragement, he’d have taken shameful advantage of a grief-stricken widow.
He’d nearly been unmanned when she’d looked up at him with her big brown eyes. She’d seen worse things than he could imagine. He’d wanted to take away her pain and heartbreak. To hold her, kiss her, touch her.
But he knew it wasn’t that simple and, rather than risk the small progress they’d made, he’d chosen caution. It had taken all his strength to let her go, do the honourable thing. He didn’t want her to do anything she’d regret. Their relationship was new, complex and far too fragile for a quick tumble into bed.
Why, then, did he have the nagging feeling that he’d let her down tonight?
His restraint hadn’t been what she’d wanted, but he knew it was what she needed. Could she have read his retreat as rejection?
His footsteps slowed. He could go back, explain he wanted her more than life itself. Explain he wanted them to get it right, that it was too important for a quick grab at gratification.
Undecided, he stood looking at the cottage then with a small sigh he reluctantly turned for home. Going back now wouldn’t be a good idea.
He’d make sure they talk again soon.
He’d make sure she understood how much he wanted her.
CHAPTER NINE
THE next day, Terri hung her white coat on the hook on the clinic-room door and turned to look at her reflection in the mirror. She smoothed her hair, straightened her shirt and ran a quick eye over the profile of her lower half in the new black jeans.
Then she looked herself in the eye and wrinkled her nose. How much more comfortable it was to fuss with her appearance than to think about the thing that was really bothering her.
Luke.
She didn’t want to run into him yet. Last night he’d seen her at her worst. She’d been so vulnerable, so needy.
She didn’t want to remember that he had the strength to resist her advances. He did a charming line in rejection, very gentle but firm. She grimaced. Too much self-respect to allow himself to be used. She should appreciate that…she did appreciate that. But a tiny part of her couldn’t help but think it would be nice to have someone lose their head over her…just a little.
At least she’d slept well last night and for that she was grateful to Luke, his insight, his pushing. It had helped rather than harmed to talk about Peter. She’d expected to relive the explosion in vivid, torturous nightmares after Luke had gone. But she hadn’t. Her sleep had been dreamless and refreshing.
She moved across to the desk and stacked the patient records she’d used that morning. Scooping them up into her arms, she walked to the door.
With her hand on the knob, she paused and took a deep breath. No point skulking in the office. Seeing Luke was unavoidable as they were both on duty for the day. Her only hope was that he’d been called out for an emergency case but that seemed unlikely as she hadn’t been notified that she’d need to take cases from the second list.
She marched out of the room and was nearly at the front desk when surprise had her halting in mid-stride.
‘Uncle Mick.’ Perhaps she wasn’t finished after all. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Tee.’ His smile was quick and nervous, almost guilty.
‘Have you got an appointment now?’ she asked. ‘I didn’t see you on my list but I can see you now if you like.’
‘Um, no. Didn’t want to trouble you, love. So, I, um, well, you know…should be running along.’ Colour ran into his cheeks and he shuffled his feet.
‘Are you sure? You seem upset.’ Terri was perplexed.
‘Fine, I’m fine, love. I just…’ Her uncle cleared his throat and then his gaze slid past her. His expression was a mixture of relief and consternation. ‘Um, thanks, Luke. I’ll, er, catch up with you about those results.’ His face turned even redder. ‘See you at the track, Tee.’
Frowning, she watched him hurry away. She turned to see Luke slide his used files into the tray. He added a couple of blood tubes to the laboratory test basket. She glanced at the name on the top file.
‘Uncle Mick’s been to see you?’
‘Yes.’ Luke looked a little uncomfortable. ‘Look, let’s grab a cuppa and have a chat.’
‘Is there a problem?’
‘No, of course not.’
Her spirits plummeted. ‘There must be if he’s asked to see you. It’s just that I thought after I’d diagnosed his diabetes…he’s been feeling so much better…Oh, dear, this is such a backward step—I thought he finally believed that I knew what I was doing after all.’
‘He does. Your uncle has nothing but praise for you.’ Luke leaned across and wrapped his hands around the records she held. She released them quickly as his fingers brushed the skin on her forearm. He placed the files into the tray and said, ‘On second thoughts, let’s have lunch. We’ve got some other things to discuss as well and—’
‘But he can’t be happy with me if he’s come to see you.’
‘Terri, there are some things that make a man draw a line.’
‘Oh. Is he still embarrassed about the incident the other night?’ She frowned. ‘I thought we’d got past that. I told him it wasn’t his fault. That he only behaved that way because he was so ill.’
‘Yes, but that’s not why he didn’t want to come to see you.’
‘Then there was another reason?’ She suppressed a squeak of surprise when Luke took her by the elbow and ushered her towards the door.
‘Nina, we’re going for a bite of lunch at home. Page us if you need us.’
‘Sure thing, boss.’
‘I’m…I don’t know if I want to eat lunch with you.’ Feet still moving in the direction he was guiding her, Terri looked back over her shoulder at the grinning nurse.
‘Sure you do. I make a mean cheese omelette and we’ve got the kitchen to ourselves today as Mum’s taken Dad into Melbourne for a check-up. And besides, you want to know why Mick’s been to see me.’
‘Yes, I do, but will you please stop making a spectacle of us by dragging me around the hospital?’
He muttered something under his breath and released her. He stopped when she did, a muscle in his jaw rippled giving the impression of tightly leashed emotion. They stood alone on the pavement between the hospital and his parents’ house.
‘Terri, Mick is fifty five years old.’
‘I know.’
‘So don’t you think that he might be a little uncomfortable g
etting his first routine prostate check from someone who used to run around in the backyard with his own children?’
‘Oh.’ She swallowed, feeling like an idiot. She was dimly aware of his hand in the small of her back ushering her down the path. ‘Of course. How stupid of me.’
‘It’s thanks to you that Mick was in here getting the check-up today,’ Luke said evenly. ‘He said, apart from the hiccup after the races the other night, he’s never felt better. There might be something in this prevention is better than cure rubbish.’ He opened the back door of the house and gently steered her into the kitchen. ‘That’s a direct quote.’
‘Oh.’
‘His coming to see me had nothing to do with lack of faith in your ability, Terri.’
A quick expression flitted across her face. If he’d had to define it he’d have said it was pain. Her vulnerability punched him again.
‘Well, that’s…good, then.’
He saw the faint frown on her face as she stood in the kitchen, looking around. She looked lost, almost as though she wasn’t sure how she’d got there. God, he wanted to look after her, protect her, smooth out the bumps in her life for her. He’d set himself a hard task. Terri Mitchell was fiercely independent.
At least, with the surprise of Mick’s visit, there hadn’t been a chance for her to feel any awkwardness after last night. He’d wondered how their first meeting would go this morning. One bump had been avoided but it had created another that he didn’t understand.
‘Now, cheese, onion, mushroom?’ He turned to the fridge and put the items on the bench as the reeled them off.
‘I’m sorry?’
‘For the omelette I’m making you for lunch.’
‘You don’t have to make me lunch.’
‘Here’s the grater for the cheese. We don’t need much,’ he said, pleased when her hands automatically began the task he’d set for her. He started breaking eggs into a bowl. ‘This is a good opportunity for us to talk.’
‘Actually, you’re right. We do need to talk.’ She stopped grating. ‘What on earth were you thinking when you told Nina you were taking me home for lunch? She was grinning like the Cheshire cat. Heaven only knows what rumours will have started circulating by the time we get back to work.’
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