Crouching down, staying close to the wagons, James crept forward to find out.
Chapter Seven
Rounding Eirica’s wagon, James strained to see into the darkness encroaching on the tent. His heart hammered against his chest and sweat trickled down his back. Who was there? He had seen someone or something move, but whomever it had been, it appeared they were gone.
Chastising himself for his needless worry, he told himself it was probably just someone out taking care of nature’s business and that they’d returned to their own camp. He relaxed, stood, then yawned. His jaw snapped shut when one dark shadow detached from the surrounding darkness, moving across the gray of the canvas, tall, distorted and sinister. He moved to the other side of the tent, ready to tackle the intruder.
Ready to take a flying leap, he tensed to stop himself when the orange glow of the fire outlined Eirica. She paced, arms wrapped tightly against her body, her hair loose, hanging down her back. James sagged mentally as relief poured over him. His poor heart had already leaped to his throat and had to be forced into calming. He knew he was overreacting. After all, what were the chances that someone would dare target this camp to rob? They were too large and, aside from that, most emigrants traveling along the same part of the trail as Wolf’s group knew they had a dog and pet wolf—not to mention the fact that Wolf was a “breed,” his family Sioux Indians. There was nothing like boredom of trail life to spread gossip quickly.
James still heard snatches of conversation about the stir Wolf’s family had caused when they showed up at Fort Laramie to help rescue Jessie and Alison from criminals on the run. The prairie telegraph had come in handy. Since then, no one had dared to harass any of Wolf’s wagon party or try to steal their livestock.
He focused his attention back upon the woman he loved. She stood, head back, staring blankly at the glittering array of stars overhead. He knew he should go, give her time to come to terms with the changes in her life. Once more, he castigated himself for declaring his intentions before she’d been ready to hear them.
So go, leave her be.
He turned away, but she looked lost, alone, like she needed a friend. He stepped out of the shadows with his hat between his hands and cleared his throat.
Eirica jumped back from the embers, the woolen shawl around her shoulders slipping, drifting to the ground. “Who’s there?”
She kept her voice low, but he heard the quaver, the hint of fear. There, now he’d truly done it. He’d frightened her. He should just tattoo the word palooka across his forehead. Hastening to reassure her, he stepped out of the shadows. “It’s just me. James,” he called out softly, so as not to wake those sleeping around them.
Her hand fluttered to her throat. “James! Land sakes, you gave me such a scare.”
“Sorry. I just finished my watch, saw you were still awake and figured I’d check to see if you and the children were all right.” It was a small lie, but he didn’t want to frighten her by reminding her of the thief lurking in the night somewhere. He stopped before the fire. They stared at each other, his gaze searching, hers evasive. A sudden flare from an ember catching fire to a piece of unburnt fuel bathed their fronts in an orange glow while darkness shrouded their backs.
Eirica glanced over her shoulder toward the tent. “The children are fine, sleeping.” Her voice broke and tears filled her eyes.
James stepped around the fire, merging his shadow with hers. “What about you? Why aren’t you asleep?” He longed to pull her into his arms, soothe her worries and fears, reassure her that he’d be there for her. Instead, he watched her chew on her lower lip and blink back tears. “Eirica?”
Translucent tears fell from her eyes. Angrily, she brushed them away and gave a short bark of laughter. Hugging herself tightly, she turned so her profile was to him. “You want to know? I’ll tell you why I can’t sleep. Whenever I close my eyes, I see my son falling beneath the wheels of the wagon. I see his broken body and I feel sick. Sick. It could have been his grave some woman would notice come the new day.”
She pressed her fisted hands into her stomach, pulling tight the skirt over her abdomen. Twin trails of moisture slid down her cheeks and her jaw trembled with the effort to control her pain, but the words poured from her. “When I close my eyes, I can’t hide from the fact that I nearly killed my son today. If it hadn’t been for you…” With a cry of despair, she whirled around, as if too ashamed to face James.
The agony in her voice tore at him, echoed in his own heart as he knew the truth of her words and ached for her. He tossed his hat on top of her shawl and went to her, lifting his hands to her upper arms. Gently, he ran them up to her shoulders and tried to ease the tightness he felt. “What’s done is done. The boy is safe,” he said gently.
Her shoulders shook. “Only because you were there.” Her voice broke on a sob. “I can’t do this, James. I’ll never make it to Oregon, and what will happen while I’m there? If I can’t even keep my children safe here, how will I manage there?”
His own eyes stung and he blinked furiously. Bowing his head, he breathed in her scent, one of sunshine, lavender and wood smoke. His fingers slid toward the slim column of her neck, his thumbs pressing in at the base of her skull. “You will make it to Oregon.” He spoke the words with confidence. She’d make it or he’d die trying. It was too important to him, she was too important.
“But today—”
Unable to stand the self-recriminations in her voice, James swung her gently around to face him. With one finger, he tipped her chin and stared down into her gleaming eyes. “Today took courage.”
She shook her head but didn’t pull away. “Today was a disaster. I wasn’t being brave. I was selfish, self-centered, thinking of only myself, not of my children or what was best for them. My stubborn pride nearly cost me my son!” She closed her eyes and swayed toward him, sending more tears cascading down her face to glisten in the starlight.
James pulled her close, let her cry for a few minutes, then stepped back so he could dry her face with his thumbs. He loved touching her, loved the feel of her skin, soft and smooth beneath his callused fingertips. “Look at me, Eirica.” He waited until she complied then smiled tenderly. “No one said it would be easy, sweetheart. We all make mistakes, but you’re strong and willing to learn. Survival out here and in Oregon will depend on that strength, and on being willing to do what it takes. But it also requires knowing your limits, knowing when to ask for help. None of us can survive alone. We all need help on occasion.”
Eirica backed out of his hold and angled her head, hiding her gaze from his. “I’ll be alone in Oregon, just me and the children.”
Her declaration pierced his heart, left him bleeding with despair. His voice roughened with pain. “You’ll never be alone, not unless you choose to be. I’ll be there for you, Eirica. If you let me, I’ll be there for you, forever, I promise this on my parents’ grave.” His unspoken desire to marry her hung between them, thickening the air with tension.
Eirica rubbed her arms. “James—”
Agony went through him. Again, he couldn’t bear to hear her denial. “No. Don’t say anything, not yet.” They had a future, one that would be wonderful, if only she’d give them a chance. He just needed time to convince her that he loved her, would never hurt her or the children. James stooped to pick up his hat and her shawl. Jamming the hat on his head, he draped her woolen shawl around her shoulders. Though the days were unbearably hot, the nights tended to be colder the higher they climbed.
Eirica drew her shawl around her. It had to be close to midnight and for both of them, their day would start before the sun rose, yet he sensed she wasn’t quite ready to retreat. Taking a deep breath, he held out one hand.
“A short stroll might help you sleep. Would you care to join me? It’s a beautiful night.”
Eirica stared at James, her emotions in turmoil. Throughout the long afternoon and evening, her mood had shifted from disappointment to relief that he hadn’t shown up. A
nd here he was. It was the perfect opportunity for her to tell him not to waste his time on her and yet, she found she couldn’t do it.
“Eirica?”
The promise of the stars shone in his gaze and she couldn’t help but remember his kiss—a brushing of lips that couldn’t really be considered a kiss, but unlike any she’d ever experienced, it left her yearning for the forbidden. Her heart urged her to take his hand.
What harm could one short stroll beneath the stars do? Her pulse raced a little faster as her imagination took hold. No, she couldn’t. Didn’t dare. She fell on the only excuse she could think of. “I’m sorry, James, the children—”
His mocking smile held no malice. “Are asleep. We won’t go far. Please say yes.”
His warm words of reassurance and the hint of romance blanketing them made it impossible for Eirica to refuse. She placed her hand in his and allowed him to draw her close and lead her away from the fire into the dark shadows. For a long while, neither spoke. Then Eirica could stand it no longer. She had to be honest, couldn’t lead him on. She didn’t want to hurt him. “James, I do think you’re a nice man.”
He tipped the brim of his hat back and smiled down at her. “I sense a but in there.”
She sighed and glanced down to where her hand rested on his arm, her fingers curled slightly along the rough fabric of his wool shirt. Her gaze shifted to his hands, his fingers, the nails cut short and square instead of ragged and sharp. He kept himself clean—as clean as any of them were able to manage on the trail. He even took time to shave, unlike most men who just grew beards while traveling.
And she meant what she’d said. He was incredibly sweet, always showing her kindness and consideration—even if she didn’t want it—or deserve it. Eirica knew the problem lay with her, not James. Suddenly, that was crystal clear. James wasn’t like Birk or her family. The differences between them and James were as different as night and day, good and bad. In all her life, not one of the men in her family had ever shown her an ounce of consideration or appreciation for her or anything she did. It was something she tried to forget, but had never forgiven. That kernel of bitterness lay in her heart, rotting.
Then along came James, eager to help ease her load, and what was her reaction? Ungratefulness and resentment! She felt so confused. Too many changes in her life had destroyed her very foundation. What did she want? What did she need? She felt herself changing, but whether for the good or not remained to be seen. The only certainty in her life was the uncertainty she faced each day. Somehow, she needed to rebuild that foundation, gain a firm footing on her life.
Eirica’s gaze skittered away from his. How could she commit herself to another man when she herself felt so torn as to what she wanted. “I’m sorry, James. Please don’t think it’s you. It’s not. It’s me. I can’t tie myself to another man right now, maybe not ever.”
He stopped and took both of her hands in his. “Can’t or won’t?”
She shuddered at the softly spoken question. “Does it matter?”
He lifted his hand to gently force her to look at him. His breath fanned her cheeks and his thumb slid along her jaw. “Don’t you know I’d never hurt you? I’d cherish you. I’d protect you.” His voice lowered. “I’d love you as no man ever has.”
A thrill ran through her at his words. She heard the sincerity, knew he spoke the truth, but she also knew how much she had to lose by accepting that love, that protection. Once it would have been enough. Maybe even a month ago she’d have jumped at the chance to have that security, but not know. Too much had happened. Things had changed. “I know you would, James. But I need more than that. I need my independence and all that goes with it.” Her heart went out to him when he bowed his head.
“Please understand, James. The law gives everything to the husband. He has absolute control. But as a widow, I’m in control. When we reach Oregon, I’ll be allowed to own my own piece of land. Land and security that no one can ever take from me.”
She closed her eyes, feeling again the helplessness of being at Birk’s mercy, of having no choice but to stay with him because she hadn’t anywhere else to go, a fact he’d taunted her with by threatening to kick her out of his house without her children if she didn’t please him.
“Eirica—”
At the sound of his pain-filled voice, she covered her ears and spun away, determined to stand firm even as her heart sided with James. “No! I won’t ever again allow any man to have a say over me or my children.”
James pulled her back to face him, his feet planted apart in the stubborn stance she found endearing. “I won’t give up, Eirica. I meant what I said earlier. I’m going to court you and win your heart—and your trust.”
The words both thrilled and scared her. Her gaze searched his features, seeing the determination, and the love he felt for her. “Why me, James? There are so many others you could choose from. I have three children, soon I’ll have four. You deserve better. You’ve been tied to your brothers and sisters and now you’re free. There are lots of women out there eager to marry and raise a family. Why saddle yourself with me? I’m scarred, inside and out. I’m not even much to look at, especially now.” She held out her arms and indicated her bulky form.
James didn’t hesitate. He grabbed her hands and held them out, allowing his gaze to roam her figure. Glancing up, he saw her genuine confusion. He pulled her toward him and kissed the backs of her fingers. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on, even more so with child.” His voice softened and slid over her like silk.
“Fancy words,” she whispered, tugging at her hands, reminding herself of all Birk’s sweet-talking while he courted her. He’d made her feel good, desirable, worthy. Then came her wedding night and the days that followed where Eirica learned that her husband’s words had meant worse than nothing—they’d been lies. All lies.
James released one hand and brushed a strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. “It’s the truth, Eirica. I don’t lie and I don’t say things I don’t mean. Not ever.”
Eirica felt long-lost hope flare to life. Hope and happiness. Both had shriveled long ago to be buried deep in the cold recesses of her heart. Now they stirred in response to the warmth in his voice, the gentle touch of his hands, and the promise in his eyes.
Wonder suffused her and for just a moment, she savored it. James found her attractive. Birk had always thought her ugly when she was with child, and he’d made sure she knew it. She’d long suspected he resented the intrusion of his children in her body. In hindsight, it explained why his beatings had always grown worse the further her pregnancy advanced.
But there was no mistaking the awe and desire in James’s voice or in his tender gaze. Though even if she said yes to all he offered, it couldn’t bring back the dreams she’d lost. Nothing could erase the past. The naive young girl with romance in her eyes was no more. She’d grown up, forced to shed her naive shell under the harsh glare of reality. She was a woman now, a woman with children who depended on her.
What she’d told James just minutes before took on new meaning and importance. She had to do this for herself, her own growth as an emerging woman. She knew full well that life didn’t hand out guarantees. What if she allowed James to do as he wanted and take care of her? What if something happened to him in Oregon? She’d be in the same situation—alone, scared and unprepared.
James, for all his outward kindness and sincerity, would take over her life, the way he had taken over the oxen, or handled Ian on his own without consulting her, and step in to tell her children what to do. It didn’t matter that his actions had been prompted by concern or that he’d even been right in how he’d handled both her and her kids. She’d never learn to stand on her own two feet with James at her side. He’d raised his siblings, was used to being in charge. It wasn’t a habit he would break.
“Eirica?”
“Yes?” Warily, she waited.
James slid his hat off and worried the brim of his h
at between nervous fingers. “I said earlier I wouldn’t apologize for kissing you. I was wrong. I overstepped my bounds. You weren’t ready, the time wasn’t right and I don’t blame you for being scared of me. For that I apologize.”
His admission took her by complete surprise. Seeing his unease made Eirica reach out and touch his arm. Heat crept up her cheeks as he watched and waited for her to gather the courage to speak. She tipped her head to one side. “Your—kiss—didn’t scare me. It just took me by surprise.” She leaned forward, searching his gaze. The hurt she saw that she’d placed there with her honesty saddened her. Bringing him pain was the last thing she wanted. She truly valued his friendship. “Why—why did you kiss me? You were angry.”
He lifted one hand to the side of her face and cupped her cheek. “No,” he said faintly. “Scared.”
That was the last answer she’d expected from James. Nothing seemed to scare him. “You kissed me because you were scared?”
“Yeah. No. Hell, I kissed you because I wanted to. I’ve wanted to kiss you since the night I saw you standing in the moonlight at Fort Kearny, when everyone had left the camp and you and I were there alone.”
Eirica’s jaw dropped. This was not what she’d expected. Fort Kearny seemed a lifetime ago. She wanted to ask him how, why? But she didn’t know what to say or even think. Finally, she blurted, “But I was married.”
Derisive laughter came from James. “Hell of a spot to be in, right? I finally found the woman I wanted to call wife, raise a family with, and she’s already married.” He scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “I fell in love with you, I wanted you—but you were off limits. I could have accepted that, except when I saw how your husband treated you. Then, my feelings became a living nightmare because you deserved better.”
Eirica’s eyes widened with shock, then narrowed with growing anger. If he was telling the truth about his feelings, why hadn’t he done anything to help her, to protect her from her husband? His actions when Birk had been alive weren’t those of a man in love.
White Nights Page 10
