Chapter 6
During the few blocks to the old man’s storefront I expect the little monster to pop up but it didn’t. The old man’s place was closed. I peered into the window and after my eyes adjusted to the darkness beyond it I noticed that the place was empty.
‘Give me your soul.’ I turned expecting the little green monster. Instead it was Woody Allen, laughing. Confusion is not a strong enough word for the state that I was in. His laughter crawled to a smile before he said, ‘Do . . . Do you know who I am?’
‘Woody Allen.’
‘Is that . . . you know . . . a question or an answer?’
I shrugged.
His eyes smiled behind his spectacles. ‘I am Woody Allen.’
I didn’t respond.
‘I’m . . . well . . . you know . . .I’m God.’
I didn’t know why Woody Allen was here or why he was claiming to be God but all I knew was that I needed to find the old man before the little monster showed up again. Then I wondered if Woody Allen was the monster.
‘I’m not a monster. Unless . . . well . . . during sex. I’m known to get a little grotesque. I once ate a leg during one causal romp in the sheets.
‘How did you know what I was thinking about?’ I asked.
‘I’m God.’
‘You’re not God. You’re Woody Allen.’
‘I am God,’ He said. ‘ Woody Allen the God.’
‘I thought you were an atheist.’
‘I am.’ He nodded.
‘How could God be an atheist?’ I said. ‘That means you don’t believe in yourself.’
‘Well . . . yeah, sure . . . we . . . we all have our self-esteem problems at times. That . . . That’s why I create.’
I decided to play along and said, ‘Well God I’m being chased by a monster, I have a tail, my wife is . . .’
‘I am no longer God.’ He cut in.
‘Huh?’
‘I am no longer God. I quit.’
‘What?’
‘Look, the only reason I took the gig was because I’m working on a movie about God. You know . . . a . . . a neurotic God living in Manhattan. And, I . . . I was going to cast myself as the led. Who . . . who else right? So . . . so I figured since Oprah resigned last month I’d fill the spot to get a little practice.’
‘What?’
‘Look kid, the real God know one really know anything about.’
‘A monster is trying to kill me.’
‘I know . . . I know. Why do you think I’m here.’
‘Are you going to get the warlock to make it stop?’
‘He’s no warlock, he’s a con-man.’
‘Really?’
He nodded. ‘A confident-trickster, he’s really good too. He even convinced me to let him be in my next film. He’ll be an extra, maybe I’d cast him as a fish or a parked car or something.’
‘Give me your soul!’ The little monster was air-borne. I prepared myself to be pounced on. Woody Allen lifted a hand and the monster froze in mid-air. ‘Don’t worry.’ He said.
My eyes moved from the motionless monster to him. He snapped his fingers and the monster disappeared.
‘I don’t understand.’ I said. ‘What the hell is going on?’
‘Do you really have to know?’ He asked.
‘Yeah, because I don’t understand.’
‘That . . . That’s the problem with people.’ He said. ‘Everybody need a reason for everything. What’s the meaning of life? Why are we here? Why . . . Why not just live?’
‘Before all of this shit I was living my life. I never cared about reasons.’
‘And that’s your problem.’
‘What?’
‘What?’
‘I don’t understand.’ I said.
‘Didn’t you just hear what I said?’
‘Yeah, that’s why . . .’
‘Close your eyes.’ He said.
‘Why?’
‘What, you don’t trust me?’
I shook my head.
‘Don’t make me bring the monster back.’
I shut my eyes.
‘Alex,’ A Tabitha’s voice said ‘What are you doing?’
I opened my eyes.
‘If you don’t want to go in there, we won’t but stop acting like a child.’
I turned. The storefront was lit. The old man sat at his desk reading something. I felt my face. It was no longer swollen. ‘I’m lost.’ I said.
‘What?’ Tabitha said.
I ran a hand in the back of my pants. No tail. I should have been in joy instead of confusion.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Tabitha said.
‘I think I lost my mind.’
‘That’s old. I mean what’s wrong with you now?’
I shrugged and then asked ‘Did we go in there yet?’
‘No.’ She said. ‘What’s wrong with you? Have you been doing drugs with Phil again?’
I shook my head.
‘Don’t forget when you thought you were a flying monkey from the Wiz movie when you took acid with him.’
‘I’m not high.’ I said.
‘Then what’s wrong with you?’
‘I really don’t know.’
‘Come on.’ She said and headed across the street.
I took one last look at the old man. He looked up from his readings and smiled. His face turned into Woody Allen’s and then Spike Lee’s, briefly, before returning back to its normal look. The old man went back to his reading.
‘Alex,’ Tabitha called out from across the street. ‘Come on.’
As I approached her I asked, ‘Are you pregnant?’
‘How’d you know?’
I shrugged.
‘I found out earlier today.’ She said. ‘I was going to tell you later.’
We hugged. As we headed into the movie theater I told her I was laid off. ‘But I’ll think we’ll be find.’
‘We will.’ She said and kissed me on the cheek.
I was confused about the events of the day. I questioned myself if they even occurred. My mind kept remembering Woody Allen’s words ‘Why not just live.’ It didn’t add any insight or help my confusion about the hell I went through but I kept remembering those words.
Tuck your tail and run! Page 6
