Fate on Fire

by E. L. Todd

  She stepped aside and let me into the house.

  I immediately looked at the floor, where there was a blanket, some toys, and a beautiful little boy playing with blocks. “Oh my god…” I stared at him as my heart stopped, feeling my entire existence change in a nanosecond. Charlotte had been my whole world just a moment ago, but she’d been replaced instantly, on a biological level, a level I couldn’t control.

  He was indifferent to my presence, playing with his blocks, with brown hair and deep brown eyes.

  Fuck, he did look just like me.

  I came farther into the room then took a seat on the blanket, mesmerized by this little person who contained so much of me.

  He turned to look at me, ignoring his blocks for a second to study me.

  Charlotte joined us, taking a seat beside Kingston. “Sweetheart, I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Neil.”

  Kingston picked up a block then handed it to me, like he wanted me to play with him.

  I smiled then set it on top of his.

  Kingston must have liked where I put the block because he handed me another.

  I put it in a different spot.

  Silently, we played together, stacking the blocks together, connecting without words.

  It was the most incredible experience of my life.

  “You want to hold him?” she whispered, gathering him in her arms.

  I nodded.

  She picked him up and handed him over.

  I held him underneath his arms and placed his feet on my thighs, letting him stand so I could really look into his face. He had such big, beautiful eyes, a natural smile on his lips, a happy energy I could feel. “Hey, Kingston…” It was the first time I was speaking to my son, and I could feel myself love him instantly, feel the pull that had motivated me to get back home. I thought Charlotte was the reason I’d worked so hard, but now, I wondered if his soul had been the one calling to me.

  He reached his hand to my cheek, feeling my face. “Daddy…”

  My eyes watered instantly, hearing that title without earning it, knowing my son could recognize me because we looked the same… We were the same.

  Charlotte’s faced paled at first, like she was stunned by her son’s intelligence, but then her eyes welled up as she watched us together.

  “Yeah,” I said to him. “I’m your daddy…” I brought him close and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “And it’s such an honor to meet you.” I pulled him even closer and hugged him, feeling his whole body lean against my chest, smelling that clean baby smell. I rubbed his back until he pulled away, getting restless and eager to get back to his blocks.

  He walked back to the blocks and sat down. This time, he pushed half the blocks to me, like he wanted us to build something together.

  Charlotte watched us, tears on her cheeks.

  When it was bedtime, I put Kingston in his crib, stared at him until he fell asleep, and then walked out of the room. When I returned to the living room, Charlotte sat on the couch, his toys on the floor, a dazed look in her eyes.

  I took the seat beside her, silent because I didn’t know what to say.

  “Do you like his name?” she whispered.

  I nodded. “I do. It goes well with Crimson.”

  She played with her hands on her lap.

  “I expect his last name to be changed.”

  She didn’t argue. “That’s fine. I’ll take care of it.”

  I was glad there was no dispute about that. “He’s…amazing.”

  “I know he is,” she whispered. “He’s so much like you.”

  “He is.”

  “And seeing you together…it was a dream come true. I thought you would never meet him, never know your son…”

  I regretted missing those years of his life, not being there when he was born. I was probably just arriving on Mars when he came into the world. “There’s something I need help with.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Getting all the things I’ll need for him at the house. If you could make me a list, I’d appreciate it.”

  “Of course.”

  “And maybe show me the ropes for a couple of days. I have no experience with childcare, unfortunately.”

  “No problem.”

  “I should be working mornings during the week, but I can watch him in the evenings. Maybe we can switch back and forth every couple days?”

  She nodded, but her eyes showed her pain. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do when he’s not here…”

  It didn’t have to be that way…if she would give me a chance. “I’m sure you could use some time to yourself.”

  She shrugged. “I actually really love being his mother.”

  I already loved being his father. “Who watches him when you’re at work?”

  “Stacy.”

  “Alright. I can drop him off on my way to work and pick him up afterward.”

  She stared at the floor where he’d been moments before.

  I turned and stared at the side of her face. “I’ll grab all of his supplies. Maybe you can come over this weekend and teach me how it’s done then? You know, in the environment where I’ll be taking care of him.” I wanted to do everything right, not make any mistakes.

  “Sure.”

  The ring on her left hand was hard to miss, but I tried not to look at it. It hurt me to know I’d lost her, that she belonged to someone else now. But there was no argument I could make to change her mind, so I had to let it go.

  “You’re already so good with him.”

  “Because we’re the same person.”

  “Yeah, you might be.”

  There was no reason for me to stay there, even though I wanted to stay forever. Being in that house with her and my son made it feel like home. It was hard to vacate the premises so Kyle could return.

  I wasn’t sure I’d be able to look him in the eye without punching him…even though he’d done nothing wrong.

  I would have done the same thing.

  I got to my feet and headed to the door.

  She followed me and crossed her arms over her chest, like she was immediately rejecting any chance of affection.

  “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for everything.” I looked into her face, finding her stunning in this light. “You know, for your pregnancy, for his birth, when he was a newborn… I wish I could’ve been there, not out of obligation, but because I would have wanted to be there. We didn’t plan for this, it was obviously a surprise, but…he’s amazing. I wouldn’t change anything.”

  She smiled slightly, her eyes emotional. “Me neither…”

  “Good night.” I forced myself to walk out, to leave her behind, to let my son sleep alone in his bedroom. I knew within minutes of my departure Kyle would take my place. But Kingston knew who his father was, recognized it the second he looked at me, and that was something Kyle couldn’t take from me.

  Twenty-Two

  Charlotte

  Kyle sat with me on the back patio, the night sky twinkling above the awning. Torpedo sat on his bed on his own couch, happy to listen to the breeze and the crickets.

  Kyle had his arm over my shoulder, his beer in his other hand. He didn’t really ask about Neil, like it was a subject he didn’t want to discuss.

  I’d never told him how Neil felt. I thought it would do more harm than good, make it unbearable for the two of them to be in the same room together…which would be bad for Kingston. I’d made my decision and picked Kyle, so there was no reason to talk about it anyway.

  “How did it go with Neil and Kingston?” He finally asked the question, as if he’d been waiting for me to bring it up but grew impatient when I didn’t.

  “Really well. They connected right away.”

  “That’s good. You think Neil is up to the task?”

  “Actually…yes.” Neil was mostly the same as he was before he left for Mars, but there were some differences to him, subtle ones. The old Neil wouldn’t have been so affectionate, so emotional. But he approa
ched Kingston like he was already prepared to be a father…without even meeting him. “I think he’ll be a good dad.”

  “Well, that’s surprising.”

  “I guess I should have given him more credit. But he’s different now. He said going to Mars made him appreciate what he has on Earth, and that he doesn’t want to go anywhere again. So, maybe he’s ready to settle down.”

  “Settle down in general or with someone?”

  I shrugged. “In general. If he were eager to get back into space, he might be annoyed with Kingston’s existence, but since he’s moved on, I think it’s easier for him.”

  “And you two are getting along just fine?” He’d never really seen us together with his own eyes, so he had no idea.

  “Yeah. I mean, it’s a little strained, but…we’re friendly.”

  “So, he hasn’t…tried to start something?”

  I didn’t want to tell Kyle the truth. It would just make him scared I would leave him. “No.”

  He relaxed noticeably, like the thing he feared the most wasn’t a concern anymore. “He’s the most famous guy on the planet right now. He’s probably going to be sowing his oats for a while. And women love the whole single dad thing.”

  I didn’t want to picture Neil with anyone, so I didn’t. “Yeah…”

  “He wasn’t upset with you that you didn’t tell him?”

  “He was…but he understood.”

  “You really think he would have stayed if he knew?”

  “He says he would have, but who knows.” I drank from my beer and watched Torpedo. “But he did say he wants to change Kingston’s last name.”

  Kyle shrugged. “That’s fair. I feel like Kingston will have two fathers, which is a good thing. He’s lucky to have so many people love him, especially when some kids only get one parent.”

  “True…”

  He set his beer on the table beside him before he turned into me to kiss me. “Ready for bed?”

  I kissed him back, feeling the coarseness of his evening shadow. “Yeah. But I’m not sure Torpedo is.”

  “Well, I’m not going to carry him.” He got to his feet then helped me up. “Let’s go, boy.”

  Torpedo shifted his ears but didn’t move.

  I chuckled. “Aw, he’s tired.”

  He opened the back door and let me go in first. “Alright, goodnight.” He moved to shut the door.

  Torpedo didn’t call his bluff and hopped off the couch to come inside.

  Kyle chuckled and shut the door behind him. “That’s what I thought.”

  I went to Stacy’s after work to pick up Kingston. “How’s my baby?”

  “Good.” She hugged me before walking to where the kids sat together in the play area.

  “Are you still able to handle this?” I asked. “You must be getting really uncomfortable…”

  She rubbed her stomach. “Honey, I’m fine. These kids are pretty easy.”

  I went to Kingston and picked him up. “Hey, sweetheart.”

  “Hi, Momma.”

  I never got tired of hearing that. I kissed his forehead then grabbed his bag.

  “So, how are things with Neil?” Stacy asked, taking a seat on the couch.

  I stood there and held Kingston, knowing he was starting to get too heavy to hold with a single arm. “I’m actually going over there now. Gonna show him how to take care of Kingston now that he’s purchased all the stuff he needs.”

  She watched me, a knowing look on her face. “Vic tells me that Neil’s feelings for you are pretty strong…”

  I took a seat, knowing this would take a while. “It’s not gonna happen, Stacy.” I ran my fingers through Kingston’s brown hair. “We’re gonna be two friends with a kid together. That’s it.”

  There was a slightly incredulous look on her face. “Are you sure? Because this is everything you wanted, and now you have it.”

  I shook my head. “I’m with Kyle.”

  “But do you want to be with Kyle…?”

  “Stacy, come on,” I said. “Of course.”

  “I know you love him. He’s a great guy. But Neil has always been…you know. He’s survived against the odds, wants to be a father to your kid… It just seems like the chance you guys never really had.”

  I stared at my son’s brown eyes, loving him more because he looked just like his father. “If Kyle weren’t in my life, then sure. But he is.”

  Her eyes softened. “Between you and me…is this what you want?”

  It was hard to be around Neil and feel nothing. I felt so much, felt so grateful that he’d made it back.

  “I won’t tell Vic. I promise.”

  “Well, Kyle was there for me when Neil wasn’t. He’s always been there. It’s really nice to feel loved, to feel safe. We were doing so well before Neil came back. I don’t see why that has to change.”

  “I guess that’s true…”

  “And Kyle deserves me more than anyone else. He’s loyal, committed, handsome. I was left pregnant and heartbroken, and Kyle didn’t care…at all. He helped me through a really difficult time, and when he asked me to marry him, I wanted to say yes. I don’t want Neil to mess that up. I won’t hurt Kyle. I refuse.”

  She nodded. “He’s always been good to you.”

  “And it would be a slap in the face to leave him just because Neil’s alive.”

  “But I gotta ask…” Her eyes drifted down for a moment. “You didn’t sleep with Kyle until you thought Neil was dead. I mean…do you think that would have happened if you’d thought Neil was alive? Because you waited a really long time to really give Kyle a chance, and that only happened when Neil was officially no longer an option.”

  I’d never really thought about it, never analyzed my own feelings.

  “A part of me wonders if you were subconsciously putting it off until Neil came back, and only when he was really gone, did you finally let yourself move on. So now, I wonder if you and Kyle will ever have what you had…because Neil is here.”

  When Neil answered the door and saw his son in my arms, he wore the most handsome grin, the light bright in his eyes, like seeing Kingston really made his day. He grabbed him from my arms and held him close. “Hey, Kingston. How’s my man?” He carried him into the house.

  Kingston giggled and grabbed his nose. “Hi, Daddy.”

  Neil smiled as he let him touch his face, visibly melting right in front of me.

  I had been stunned when I’d heard Kingston call him that, and I was still stunned when I heard it again. It amazed me that my son just knew Neil was his father, that even though Kyle had been his father, he instinctively knew that Neil was his true parent. I noticed Kingston hadn’t called Kyle his father again since then, and I was a little sad for Kyle. I never told Kyle what had happened, because I thought it might hurt.

  “I missed you.” Neil carried him to the living room, where he already had a blanket and toys. He set him down.

  Kingston immediately played with all the things Neil had for him, feeling right at home even though he’d never been in this home before.

  Neil sat on the couch and watched him for a while.

  I took the seat beside him. “You never get used to it.”

  He turned to me.

  “You know, how perfect he is.”

  He smiled, wearing such a handsome expression. “Yeah…you’re right.” It was a look he’d never worn before. It only happened when Kingston was around, like our son gave him a feeling he’d never experienced anywhere else.

  I watched him smile, watched that joy reach his eyes, and I knew he wasn’t the same person as when he left. He’d always been a good man, but now he had a new softness, a new appreciation for life. The old Neil would have had no interest in fatherhood. That long and lonely journey really made him reevaluate his priorities. “So, were you able to hunt down everything? That must have been one hell of a shopping spree.”

  He chuckled. “It was. Good thing I got a book deal. Otherwise, I’d have to dip into my savings.
”

  “A book deal?” I asked.

  “Yeah. A couple publishers asked for my memoir. It turned into an auction until the highest bidder won. NASA gave their permission, as long as I omitted a couple of things, so…I’m writing a book.”

  “Wow, that’s so cool.”

  “And I really need that advance now…with a son.” He turned back to Kingston. “Gotta set up a college fund for him.”

  “Well, I can help with that.”

  “I got it.” He turned back to me. “Vic helped me clear out a spare bedroom so I could put his stuff inside. Now, he has his own place. I got the high chair, car seat, tons of diapers, food, toys…I’m pretty sure I bought everything in the store.”

  “Well, you want to learn to change a diaper first?”

  “Does he need changing?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “Give it a couple minutes…”

  “I read that kids go, like, all the time.”

  I nodded my head. “When he was a baby, the trash smelled so bad.”

  He laughed.

  “I had to take it out all the time. Otherwise, we couldn’t eat in the kitchen. Had to do takeout all the time too.”

  “Well, looks like my house is about to smell like dirty diapers too.” He watched Kingston for a while, mesmerized by the way he played on the floor, the way he selected the toys he wanted to use.

  “So, are you back at work?”

  The last conversation we’d had was tense and painful, and now he behaved like we were really just friends, two parents raising a kid together. He was casual, calm, not pressing me for more. “Yeah. I went back a few days ago.”

  “How was that?”

  He shrugged. “Surreal. You know, to see the crew again. Sometimes it feels like a dream…”

  “Do you ever dream about Mars?”

  He nodded. “All the time. I haven’t been sleeping well because I have frequent nightmares.”

  “Yeah? What are your nightmares about?”

  He rubbed his palms together, his eyes on Kingston. “Just the stress of the mission…working without communications with Houston, all the problems we had while on Mars, the return journey and all the arguments we had. Just the stress in general.”