by E. L. Todd
Fuck, she didn’t even look like she’d had a baby.
Now, she was in the pool with Kingston, letting him float on the toy and splash in the water. Stacy was doing the same with Victor.
Vic was on the grill, flipping the burgers, the smell synonymous with summer.
Kyle sat alone at the table, drinking his beer, watching Charlotte in the way…the way I watched her.
If it was obvious to me that he was in love with her, he probably noticed the same about me. Charlotte probably told him how I tried to get her back, that I wanted her to be with me instead of him.
I wasn’t sure if we would ever get along…even for Kingston’s sake.
I moved back to the table and sat across from him.
His eyes immediately moved to my face, the anger unmistakable, like my proximity was a sign of hostility.
So, I spoke my mind quickly. “I wanted to thank you for being there for Charlotte and Kingston when I was away. Vic told me how much you stepped up, how you were her rock…and I appreciate it.” I did owe him that, helping Charlotte and being a father to my son when they thought I might never return. He had his own reasons for being that way, but he was still there, regardless.
His hostility died away, but only slightly. “I was happy to. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
That burned me like lava on bare skin.
“And Kingston is a perfect kid. Both of them are my whole world.”
I kept a straight face, but I was dying inside. Because they were my whole world too, and I would give him my twenty-million-dollar advance if he would trade places for me. I know I could have done things better, but she should be with me. “Well…thanks.” I had to force the words out, to continue to be civil when I was overwhelmed with envy.
His eyes were on me, ice-cold. “You left.” He didn’t raise his voice. In fact, he lowered it, so no one would know what he was about to say to me. “You made your choice. Now, you have to live with it.”
I had a million things to say in response, but I stayed quiet, knowing he was not the person who needed to hear the argument.
“I’ve wanted Charlotte since the moment I saw her. I worked hard for her, sacrificed for her, and now she’s mine. You lost your chance. I’ll love her in a way you never could. She’s finally happy. Look all you want, but try to fuck this up…and I’ll fuck you up.”
We said our goodbyes then left the house.
My Range Rover was parked in front of her Subaru. So I walked with both her and Kyle, acting like Kyle hadn’t just threatened me a few hours ago.
Charlotte held Kingston against her, cupping the back of his head because he looked like he was asleep. “Honey, you want to say goodbye to Daddy?”
I ran my fingers through his hair, seeing his eyes closed. “It’s okay. I’ll see him in a few days.”
He pushed off Charlotte’s shoulder then turned his body, reaching his arms out to me, his hair messy, his eyes tired and a little cranky.
I smiled and took him, holding him against my chest and kissing him on the forehead. “You’re a sweetheart, you know that?”
Charlotte’s eyes watered as she looked at us. “He loves you so much…”
“Not as much as I love him.” I didn’t want to hand him back. I didn’t want to watch Charlotte drive away. Kyle was already in the driver’s seat, anxious to leave, not interested in watching us interact. I wished Charlotte and I would go home together, with Kingston…and I never had to say goodbye again.
“I’ll see you in a few days.” I kissed him again before I handed him back, my heart breaking as I made the handoff.
She held him against her chest and gave me a look of pity. “I know it’s hard…”
“And it doesn’t get easier, does it?”
She shook her head. “Goodnight, Neil. Have a good day tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, Char.” I stared at her for a few seconds, not wanting to say goodbye, loving the tan lines on her face, her sun-kissed skin, her beautiful smile. Seeing her hold my son was beautiful…practically poetic. I pulled out my phone and held it up, taking a picture of both of them. I couldn’t even see Kingston’s face, but it was still the most beautiful photo I’d ever taken.
She smiled at me, like she was touched. “I’m glad we did this…”
“Me too.” I would never rat out Kyle because that wasn’t the kind of man I was. But I knew he was threatened by me, to snap like that at a barbecue. That gave me some comfort, that I’d pissed him off so easily. He was obviously insecure in his relationship with Charlotte if he thought I had any power to mess it up. “I’ll talk to you later.” I moved my arm around her and hugged her, hugged both of them…the three of us together. My lips wanted to move to her hairline and kiss her, but I resisted the urge. I restrained myself…and walked away.
I went to work every day, working on my ship that was in one of the hangars. It was hard to believe it’d been in space for so long, that I had been on this thing for years. Now it was on the ground, and I was trying to understand all its flaws.
Hyde walked up. “Need help?”
“I need all the help I can get.”
Hyde had been in a superb mood since he returned, always smiling, always grateful to be there. And he treated me like a hero, when I was nothing of the sort. “So, how are things with the kid?”
“Good. He’s perfect.”
He smiled. “I knew you’d be a good dad.”
“He makes it easy.”
“Are you getting laid yet?”
I rolled my eyes and kept working.
“Come on, why would Charlotte want some average dumbass when she can have Neil fucking Crimson?”
“He’s a good guy…for the most part.”
“I think she’ll come around.”
“He threatened me the other day.”
“What an idiot.”
“Said I better not fuck with her…or he’ll fuck with me.”
Hyde rolled his eyes. “And you’re supposed to be scared of that?”
I wasn’t scared in the least. “He said he’ll love her in a way I never could.”
Hyde opened the toolbox and took out the laser for the metal.
“But I didn’t say anything, even though I wanted to.”
“And what would you have said?”
It was too cruel, so I hadn’t said it to Kyle, because I did feel somewhat indebted to him. “That she’ll never love him the way she loves me…”
“Commander Crimson.” One of the engineers jogged across the hangar to me. “The director wants to talk to you.”
“Alright.” I turned to Hyde. “I was reprogramming the comms system to diagnose all the bugs. You can take it from here?”
“Got it,” Hyde answered.
I turned away and got onto the golf cart so I could get back to the main building. After endless hallways, even one that held my father’s portrait, I entered the director’s office. “Hello, Mr. Carmichael.”
“Take a seat, Neil.”
I moved into the chair.
He looked through a few papers before he addressed me. “We’ve been talking and are considering you for another mission to Mars. Don’t worry, we wouldn’t launch for at least eighteen months. That should be enough time to make all the repairs we need. The government just gave us a huge stipend after the media circus around this mission. They’re eager to relaunch.”
I couldn’t believe I was even given the choice. I’d assumed my position would be deactivated because I’d been in space more than most astronauts. I was young, but my body could only handle so much. “Well, I’m honored.”
“Great. I knew you’d say yes.”
“Actually…I don’t think I can accept the offer, sir. I’m honored that I would even be considered, but I think I’ve put in enough time.” I had no interest in returning to Mars, even if the mission was much easier than the previous one. I’d put my family through enough, I’d made a promise to my brother, and now I had a son. “I’ve accomplishe
d everything I’ve wanted to accomplish in my lifetime, thanks to NASA, and I’m so grateful for every opportunity given to me. But I’d prefer to spend my time on Earth, training future crews and contributing in other ways.”
He processed my words in silence for a while, like he was genuinely shocked by my rejection. “Neil…I’m surprised you feel that way. But of course, I respect your decision. I feel like you’ve got a few years left, and it would be helpful if the next crew had someone who has already been there and laid the groundwork. But I can ask someone else. Just thought you should get the first opportunity.”
“I appreciate that. Really.”
He relaxed back in his chair. “We can utilize you in a lot of other ways, so your contributions will still have an immense impact. And now that you have a son, I understand your desire to stay on the ground.”
I never should have left Earth in the first place. If I left again, I would miss another two years of my son’s life…and I would really miss my chance with Charlotte. I still had some hope that we could find our way back to each other, that she would realize she could have something stronger with me than what she had with Kyle. But I also knew she was a loyal person. There was hope, but not much.
“How’s the book coming along?” He smiled.
“Only got the introduction down. Not much of a writer.”
“Even if you write incoherent sentences, the world will want to read it…every last word.”
Twenty-Four
Charlotte
“Kyle, what’s the problem?” I noticed he’d been in a bad mood for days, that he’d been sour since the barbecue. I knew it would be a rough transition for everyone involved, but I didn’t expect it to have such long-term consequences.
He sat across from me at the dinner table, staring at his food, Kingston eating in the high chair.
“I thought the barbecue went well…” I had noticed Kyle and Neil talking, but there were no raised voices or yelling, so I assumed they’d reached civil ground.
He lifted his gaze and looked at me, his blue eyes no longer loving or kind. They were just angry. “We have very different impressions of that barbecue.”
“Kyle, what’s wrong? Did he say something to you?”
“He wants you, Charlotte. He still wants you.”
I stilled at the accusation, unsure what he knew. “Did Neil say something—”
“He didn’t need to. I saw the way he stared at you—the entire time.”
“Maybe he was looking at Kingston—”
“Don’t do that.”
I turned quiet and glanced at Kingston, who continued to eat with his hands, his eyes down.
Kyle continued to stare me down. “You lied to me.”
I looked at Kyle, unsure what to say. “Kyle—”
“I asked if something had happened between you and Neil, and you said no.”
I didn’t think he’d ever be able to figure it out from just a look Neil gave.
“Charlotte.” He’d been pissed off before, but never like this.
I was cornered and a little afraid. “Look, the only reason I didn’t say anything was because I didn’t want to upset you…or make you feel insecure—”
“What did that motherfucker do?”
My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “Kyle…” I glanced at Kingston.
He didn’t care. “Answer me.”
“He just told me he missed me and wanted to be with me…and then I told him I was engaged.”
He took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring like a bull’s.
“In his defense, he had no idea about you.”
That didn’t make him any less pissed off. “And?”
I wanted to lie, but I couldn’t do it again. “We talked about it again later, but I told him it wasn’t going to happen.” There was no need to go into the details, that he confessed he loved me, that he loved me before he left. It would just be hurtful.
Kyle was still furious. “I can’t believe all of that happened and you didn’t tell me—”
“Because it would just upset you…like it is right now.”
“I’m far more upset that you lied to me, Charlotte. You’re hiding it for a reason, and that’s the reason I’m so upset. You could have told me it happened and you denied him. The fact that you wanted to keep it a secret makes it seem like you have something to hide…”
“I have nothing to hide, Kyle. Nothing physically—”
“I meant you don’t want to talk to me about it, don’t want to have a conversation about it, because it’s just too hard for you. We talk about everything. The good, the bad, the terrible…but you don’t want to talk about this. And that’s what worries me.”
Fuck, he knew me so well. He hit the nail right on the head. I dropped my gaze, unable to meet his look. I was on display, my heart racing, a little scared.
“I know you would never cheat on me. I know you would never sneak around behind my back. I’m not worried about that. But I am worried that you can’t confide in me. So, we’re doing that now. Go.”
“Kyle—”
“We’re doing this.” He pressed his forefinger into the table.
I looked at Kingston, who kept eating, but his movements were slow, like he could feel the energy. “Let me put him to bed.”
“Fine. I’ll wait here.”
I picked up my son and carried him to his bedroom. It gave me a few moments to think, to plan how I would handle this, what I would say. I skipped his bath and changed him into his pajamas before putting him in the crib. He didn’t cry when I put him down, like he could discern the tension in the house. “Goodnight, baby.” I ran my fingers through his hair before I turned off the light and returned to the dining table.
Kyle was there, still furious. He watched me fall into the chair across from him, his blue eyes furiously hostile. His arms were crossed over his chest, his muscles flexed like he was threatened.
“So…Neil asked me to come by, and I did. We talked on the porch. He told me he thought about me a lot when he was gone. He said he missed me, that traveling across the solar system made him realize what he left behind. I caught him off guard and said we were together. He didn’t really ask anything. He was just quiet.”
Kyle stared me down.
“And then I left. The conversation only lasted ten minutes.”
His arms tightened across his chest.
“The second time, he told me he loved me. He said he told Vic he loved me before he left. He said that it makes sense for us to be together because of Kingston.” It was so painful to say all of this. “He basically tried to talk me into it, but I said no.”
He hadn’t blinked once.
“I told him I was staying with you, and I didn’t want to talk about it ever again. I told him he was the one who chose to leave…and I’ve moved on.”
He looked away for a second, his chest rising and falling with his deep breaths, and then he turned back to me. “Is that what you really want, Charlotte?”
“Of course it is.”
He took a deep breath, like he didn’t believe me. “You said you chose me. But did you tell him you were in love with me?”
“I told him I loved you—”
“It’s not the same thing.” His anger faded away, replaced by something worse.
“I told him I was happy with you, that I’m finally in a relationship with a man who really loves me, who isn’t going to hurt me…and I’m not going to walk away from that. You’ve done so much for me—”
“Char…” He shook his head slightly. “You know I’ve been in love with you forever. I’m just as happy as I thought I would be. The three of us…it’s all I’ve ever wanted. But…” He took a deep breath. “I’ve become possessive of you. I’ve become jealous. And I can deal with you still having feelings for Neil, but…I don’t think I can live my life watching the woman I love wish she were with someone else.”
“That’s not how it is, Kyle…”
He dropped his gaze. �
��It’s okay, Char. A part of me wishes he hadn’t come home…and I know that makes me a terrible person. Because if he were dead, we’d grow old together and die together. But as long as he’s around…that’s just not going to happen.”
My eyes started to water because I realized what was happening. “Kyle…no.”
He wouldn’t look at me, like it was too hard.
“When you asked me to marry you, I said yes—because I wanted to spend my life with you. I still want to do that. I still want it to be the three of us. It can still be that way.”
“Like I said, I’m okay with you still having feelings for the guy, but you’re gonna see him all the time because of Kingston…so those feelings will never go away. They’re always going to be there, Char. If you stopped seeing him altogether, that would be fine. But that’s just not possible. Even if I pick up Kingston and drop him off, you’ll still see him because of Stacy…and I know you could never stop seeing her.”
I knew all of this was true. “Kyle, please don’t do this.”
“Trust me, I don’t want to,” he whispered. “But I can’t love a woman who’s actively loving another man…”
Tears bubbled in my eyes until they spilled over. “I don’t want this to happen.”
“I don’t either,” he whispered. “But I know you love him. I see it every time you watch him hold Kingston.”
I didn’t deny it. “I still think you’re better for me.”
“I definitely love you in a way he never will. But you love him in a way you’ll never love me.”
That made me start to cry.
He kept his eyes averted, and he swallowed. “I wanted a chance with you…and I got it. I can move on now.”
“Kyle…”
“I have closure now. It’ll never work between us…as long as Neil is alive. It hurts—I’m not going to lie about it. I’m heartbroken—not going to lie about that either. But, in time, I’ll get over it. And I’ll find a woman who loves me the way you love Neil…and I deserve that.”
I nodded. “You do.”
He turned quiet and sat there for a long time, his face stoic, like he didn’t have the same emotions I did, like he had the strength to keep then back. “Besides, if two parents love each other and want to be together, they should be together.”
