We were going on three weeks seeing each other and had slipped into an easy routine. I knew she wanted more but was letting it go my way, allowing me to call the shots, taking my temperature at every turn. It was all too easy.
I think that was what scared the fuck out of me, and precisely why I needed to chat with Dr. Wells. An easy routine never lasted for me; something always happened to screw it up. Shirley babysitting us had been an easy routine that went bad. Camper working for me and ending up in my bed had been another easy solution gone bad. The carnage was all on my hands. I’d been a fool in both circumstances.
I should let Aly alone, but I couldn’t. Like baseball in college. I couldn’t let it be and ended up injured, unable to play.
But Aly and me together felt too good. Every few nights, we’d meet up for dinner and then stay at either her place or mine. She was busy with that fucking ridiculous case—why she was protecting that fuck-face I didn’t know—and she was a little more secretive than I would have preferred. She didn’t say much at all. The dude had been on the lam, and now he was stuck in his apartment with an ankle bracelet. Why the fuck wasn’t he back in jail? Apparently, he held some trump card and Aly—Aly!—had made some deal on his behalf.
I tried not to let it bother me because she continued to put up with my shit. Whenever we stayed together, she accepted being disturbed by an early-as-fuck alarm and waking later to an empty bed. She didn’t try to make me stay or get all silly sad over my early-morning routine. It didn’t go unnoticed.
I was trying to respect her boundaries, the way she respected mine.
This past Sunday, I took her to see my new site. You would have thought I’d taken her to the top of the Empire State Building or the Great Wall of China. She was so thrilled to see the gym floor being laid, and oohed and aahed over the locker rooms. Her genuine interest and excitement made me feel like Jay Z or Tony Soprano or some tough guy like that. I felt like a real somebody when I was with Aly.
“This is so spectacular! I need to join a gym,” she’d said, teasing me, and I’d kissed the shit out of her right in front of the guys working overtime.
After we’d toured the whole place, we went for a ride with Maverick out to one of the state parks. We took a long walk in the woods, her hand in mine, the dog bouncing all over the place at the end of his leash. A few times, we stopped to kiss, touching our lips together gently at first, and then always ending up in a mad frenzy. About a mile and a half into the trail, silence fell around us except for the occasional bird chirping or small animal scurrying up a tree, and I pushed Aly up against a tree.
She’d been wearing these tight-as-hell dark blue yoga pants that fit to each and every curve, caressing her ass and quads. The weather was pretty chilly that day, so she’d had one of those big chunky sweaters on over a skimpy tank top, and I couldn’t help it. I reached over and pushed it off her shoulder, revealing her cleavage and round tits. I kissed her hard, exploring her mouth ruthlessly before I leaned over and kissed a trail down her neck, over her collarbone until I settled on the top of her mounds. My tongue ran laps over the luscious skin, making its way to her even more delicious breasts. I took my thumb and rubbed it over her hardening nipple, and her moan filled the air.
The dog had lost interest in us and fallen asleep at our feet, so I dropped his leash and slipped my hand into her pants, thrilled to discover she wasn’t wearing any underwear. My finger delved right into her already wet folds, slipping out and skimming the lips before diving back inside. One finger, then two, with my thumb on her clit. She liked that, I knew.
We’d been fooling around a lot these last few weeks. Not all the time, though; it wasn’t just about sex. We’d talk, laugh, tickle, and end up fucking each other’s brains out.
I had a lot to talk about with Wells regarding Aly, and wasn’t sure if I should be looking forward to this appointment or dreading it.
After parking the truck, I hurried into the shrink’s office. When she ushered me in, I tossed my leather jacket over the back of the uncomfortable couch, then sat down gingerly on the dainty piece of shit and kicked my feet out in front of me.
Doc looked over her glasses at me. “Good to see you, Jake. You missed an appointment.”
“I know. Got caught up with work and life.”
“Care to tell me about it?” She leaned forward, setting her notepad down on the table in front of us.
“Gyms are coming along. The new one is back on schedule and going to open on time. Lane’s happy about that. Bess is happy, of course. She needs to see me happy.”
“That’s a lot of happiness.” She raised an eyebrow. “Are you happy?”
“Part of me can’t believe the success I’m having in business. I was always such a fuckup, and still am.”
Tapping her pen on her pad, she frowned at me. “You can’t think that entirely.”
I shrugged my shoulders. Who knew? Once a fuckup; always a fuckup.
“I don’t know. I know I don’t deserve to have all this happy, especially with a woman,” I said, using air quotes on the word of the day.
“Why not?”
Enraged, I stood and paced. “Because! Because of what I did, but here I am . . . happy . . . and falling for a girl.”
“Maybe you’re forgiving yourself?” Doc asked, not asking me to sit like she normally would.
I was so filled with tension, my muscles flexed and strained to the point I thought I’d rip my jeans. Back and forth I paced, my heavy black running shoes looking out of place on the pink carpet.
“I’m not doing that,” I spat out. “This was about me helping someone, doing good, but I’m sucking out all of her greatness, all her shine. I don’t deserve it.”
“Jake, sit.”
She used her no-bullshit voice, the one she rarely brought out, so of course, I listened.
“You need to think long and hard,” she said, pinning me with a caring but firm glare. “You are good. Better than that. You don’t need another person to give you goodness. Maybe you two are sharing all that’s wonderful about each other? This woman and you.”
I shook my head, but considered what she was saying. Aly had been through something similar, and she survived. Look how she was conquering the world and not allowing a stupid statute of limitations to ruin her life. Could I do the same?
No. I couldn’t.
“I can’t be happy until Shirley pays somehow. And now Camper is back; she’s like a fucking fixture in my life. She had this weird attack outside her apartment and came running to me. Now she checks in every day. I don’t know what she wants, but I can’t keep it for much longer from Aly.”
“Why don’t you say anything? And why didn’t you in the first place?”
Dr. Wells crossed and uncrossed her legs, and for a moment I was distracted at the thought of Aly’s long limbs—wrapped around me, laid out in bed waiting for me, walking a step or two ahead of me with Maverick.
“Camper thinks I’ll do something,” I said with a snort. “Come to her rescue or some white-knight shit like that, but I made her call the police this time. I can’t get involved, risk getting into a fight anymore. What would Aly do if I landed in jail again?”
Frustrated, I smacked my hand onto the table in front of me, sending the doo-dads scattered over it rattling all over the hard surface.
“What the fuck? Why didn’t you even flinch?” I yelled at her.
“Jake, I’ve seen you get pretty violent and punch a hole in my wall. In the year or more that I’ve known you, you’ve never been violent with another human unless there was good reason. I’m not condoning violence, but I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be,” I said savagely. “I kill people. That’s what Camper wants from me. My evil is all I’m good for. And Aly thinks I’m good, but I’m not. I definitely don’t deserve the peace she brings me.”
“You need to think about what you’re saying, Jake,” Dr. Wells said in a soothing voice. “That’s not you. I know you’re to
ugh, but you don’t like to see others suffering.”
When I said nothing but just shrugged, she continued. “Look what happened when Bess was hurt and Lane asked you to run to see her. You told me you ran. Look who made Lane come to terms with his pain? You.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Done with this, I stood again and snagged my jacket from the back of the couch. As I headed out, more weight than I’d ever bench-pressed rode on my shoulders out the door.
Aly
I really needed some time to think, about work, actually. Cameron was screwing with me. Even in his absence, I was starting to think he took me for a PD who was still wet behind the ears. I wasn’t, yet he thought he could keep manipulating me. There was no way I could continue to allow that.
The last few weeks with Jake had been amazing, almost dream-like, but I needed to take off my Cinderella ball gown and slippers, and gather my strength. Work needed to come first, so when Jake texted around five o’clock, I was torn. I hadn’t seen him since he left me in his bed before sunrise two days ago, but I had something to prove to myself. I couldn’t keep giving all my energy to him. Could I?
JAKE: Dinner? Want to go out? Sushi?
ME: I can’t tonight. Got to work.
JAKE: Seriously?
ME: :(
Yes, I’d turned into a silly, confused, constantly daydreaming, emoji-using girl who didn’t know if she was in like or in love when it came to Jake Wrigley.
JAKE: I wanted my favorite dessert. YOU.
As I sat on the bus reading his text, I blushed, wanting and needing him.
ME: Tomorrow? Rain check?
JAKE: It’s a date.
I got off at the stop for the Cathedral of Learning, needing to run the stairs a few hundred times to get my head right. I should have just told Jake and asked him to join me. He’d been asking to come run with me for weeks, and I wanted to see him.
I also desperately needed some perspective. On Cameron. On my mom, who was failing. But mostly on Jake.
My feelings for him were multiplying exponentially. He was so harsh and rough on the edges, but he’d flash his baby blues and I’d see a softer side. He needed to be accepted, and I wanted to do that. How long he would allow it, I wasn’t sure.
I’d already changed clothes at work, so I shoved my stuff in a locker and headed to the stairwells. Campus was quiet. It must have been spring break or something because the hallways were empty.
Happy to have the place to myself, I stuffed my earbuds in and hit PLAY on my phone. Justin Bieber blared in my ears—absolutely, the Biebs was my secret love—and I began climbing, Jake still at the forefront of my mind.
Tension poured from my muscles as the sweat dripped down my back. I went up to the top and ran back down before beginning my ascent all over again. After a couple of rounds, for a second I missed having Drew there. He’d have been a decent distraction from the nerves and bad feelings running through me.
Maybe I could have shared some of Cameron’s case with him. Jake was too close to it, and he freaked out every time I brought it up. He also didn’t believe it wasn’t Cameron who broke into my place; he suspected there were others involved.
Officer Petrisky had told me they had lifted half a print off the knife, not enough to make a match, but it was enough to rule out Cameron. He said he didn’t know who did it, and although the cop promised he was keeping his ear to the ground, I wasn’t sure I believed him.
A couple of weeks earlier, I wasn’t even sure Cameron was innocent, yet I had to believe my client. He swore he knew who did it, but kept stringing us along in our investigation with false promises. He insisted there was going to be another incident and that he would help us make an arrest, but nothing had materialized yet.
In reality, I was getting nowhere with my client; he still hadn’t come through with the miracle he’d promised. Earlier today, I’d had to get blunt with him when he’d called me from an unlisted burner phone.
“I can’t continue to defend you if you don’t give me something,” I’d told him. “You’re hanging yourself.”
At that, he’d become snippy with me. “I have my reasons. Sometimes you do shit without yourself in mind. I don’t know why, but I am. So just say I’m innocent, and wait.”
“But I can’t do that with you on the lam and without evidence,” I’d insisted.
He’d only huffed and puffed, but before he disconnected the call, I could have sworn I heard a woman in the background saying, “Tell her—” But Cameron hung up too quickly.
Well, it looked like Barry was right. Cameron was mesmerized with the “power of pussy.” It didn’t matter; I couldn’t keep him out of jail for much longer. The department was losing patience and wanted someone to pin this on, and it was going to be Cameron if he didn’t give up what he’d promised.
Not quite knocked out for the evening, I decided on one more go-round with the evil steps. A soft, tender song about love and forgiveness played in my ear. Visions of kissing Jake and him holding my arms in place, my legs wrapped tight around his hard torso, played in my mind as I ran, pounding the stairs.
It was time to tell Jake how I felt, I decided. Time to share with him what I wanted, and ask him if he could give it.
I was smiling, happy with myself for finally finding some clarity on the Jake issue, when I heard the door to the stairwell bang closed. I looked behind me and saw a tall blonde lacing her shoes and stretching her hamstrings. I’d never seen her before on the stairs, but was happy to have some company. The building was so quiet; I missed the hustling of the college kids. It reminded of a time when I thought I was so responsible, as opposed to now, when I truly was responsible.
She blew right by me, running up the stairs faster than I’d ever seen anyone do. Surprised, I watched her take the flights as if they were nothing; she was like the bionic woman. I was already tired, so my breathing was jagged and uneven as I tried to catch her, lifting my quads and pushing through the ball of my foot.
“Hey,” I huffed out when I finally closed in on her. “Amazing job.”
She nodded and smiled, then picked up her pace yet again.
“I’ve been doing this for years and can barely keep up with you,” I admitted when we were side by side.
She stopped dead in her tracks and looked straight at me. “Really?” she asked, her left eyebrow raised.
I pulled an earbud out and smiled. “Really!”
“Interesting,” she said in some strange accent. “Lucky for me.”
Those were the last words I heard before everything went black.
Jake
The next morning, Aly still wasn’t returning my calls or texts. She’d promised we would see each other last night, but she was MIA.
What I feared most had come true—she finally saw me for the dark asshole I was. Which was good for her, exactly what I’d thought was best for her, but shit for me.
I cranked the bar over my head, rattling the weights, and slammed it back down again. I swore I could taste her on my tongue, feel her mouth taking my cock deep.
“Take it easy, boss,” Tony yelled.
“Keep your suggestions to yourself, Tony.”
This was my second workout of the morning. The baseball guys were coming in, and I needed my head right.
Where was she? Should I run by the rental to check on her? Her office?
But I hadn’t stop by unannounced in weeks. We had a routine.
Getting my head on right seemed more and more like a distant fantasy.
I stood and slapped more weight on the bar, testing my limits to the maximum. I watched the veins bulge in my biceps as I raised the bar. Sweat trickled over the ridges of veins and muscle. I put the weight back up again, hauling it higher in the air every time, grunting through clenched teeth.
Nine Inch Nails radiated through the gym, doing little to ease my temper. The song was raging, the lyrics “I want to fuck you like an animal” assaulting my eardrums. Out of breath, I fumed,
needing Aly more than I’d ever needed anyone, and hating myself for it.
Once I was done, I tore my bar apart and racked the weight plates, then finished with a round of curls before hitting the showers. I decided after the baseball players left, I’d surprise Aly at work. It was almost opening day, and I had to make sure those dudes were happy. We were set to shoot the billboard ads the following week. So far, it had been a sweet arrangement.
I was finishing working with the baseball players, doing a series of stretches on yet another new roller ball I was trying out, when Chloe walked out on the floor.
“Jake?”
“Busy, Chlo,” I huffed out.
“Someone here for you.”
“Is it Camper?”
“No, it’s some guy who reeks of smoke. Says he knows your girlfriend?”
“My what?”
“Your girlfriend.”
“Hey, guys.” I turned to the guys I was working with, trying to laugh it off. “I’m going to see who this is. Probably some nut,” I said with a forced grin. Then I turned to Tony. “Hey, can you stretch the guys out?”
“Yeah.”
Scowling at my front-desk girl, I said, “Go, Chloe. Tell him I’m coming. No need to stand and stare.”
I took a deep breath to calm myself and swiped my damp hair back as I made my way up the stairs to reception. The piped-in music faded as I closed in on the man standing there waiting for me.
“Can I help you?” I crossed my arms in front of me, flexing my biceps.
“Um, I’m Barry,” he said, paling a little as he took me in. “I work with Alyson. She didn’t come into work this morning. I called her phone a few times and she didn’t answer. Thought maybe you’d know where she is?”
Anger flashed through me as I saw red. Bright fucking blood red. “What are you accusing me of, lawyer boy?”
“Nothing!” He held his hands up in surrender and cleared his throat, but he still sounded like he had a frog stuck in there when he spoke next, shooting his words out rapid fire. “Nothing, I promise. Aly is gone, our client’s out on bail but his ankle bracelet isn’t working, and I want to call the cops but I wanted to make sure she isn’t sick or just taking a day off with you.”
Absolution Road Page 19
