by Lane, Bayli
After that, my day went by slowly; classes dragged on. Sander did text me, wanting to hang out in the evening. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and needed some ‘me’ time. Colton texted me, too. He’s a bit harder to answer. He didn’t understand why I left without saying goodbye—which irks me because I saw him with that girl!
What’s so hard to understand? But, I’m not going to tell him I saw him because I don’t want him to know that I felt jealous that he was going to get his talented kissing on with another person. I don’t want him to know that for a second I allowed myself to think we had something more than a friendship with sexual attraction. It’s not a relationship, and I need to remember that.
Colton: I looked all over 4 u.
Me: Sorry. I got tired.
Colton: U couldnt say bye?
Me: U were busy!
Colton: Not that busy.
I don’t respond, because I am sure he got busy pretty quickly after I saw him talking to pixie bitch.
Colton: Can I see u 2night?
Me: Cant. Plans.
Colton: 2morrow?
Me: Maybe
Colton: Call if u change your mind or call 2morrow.
I turn off my phone after that. I’m not interested in talking to anyone. Not Lauren, Sander, Colton, or Clarissa. I need time to think about all the changes happening in my life—the good and the bad. Though, I admit, most seem to be bad. I want to fix it, but I don’t know how.
I spend my entire day either in class or moping about, flipping through channels, and feeling miserable.
Later that night, when I finally decide to go through my movies, I find Lauren’s copy of Butterfly Effect and remember when Colton was over here and how he explained that this story was the ultimate sort of love story. ‘To love someone so much that you put your happiness aside to save them, because knowing who you are and of your very existence would be their undoing.’ His poetic words made me believe him. Now, I have to watch the movie. I pluck it out of its case and pop it into the DVD player, grab the remote, and lie back on my bed and watch the previews begin.
By the end of the movie, I’m bawling my eyes out. Colton was right; Evan loved Kayleigh! Of course the sadness stems from what they had gone through at such a young age, and how badly Evan wanted to fix it all but couldn’t. Until the end… that’s when he’s able to fix Kayleigh’s past. What he has to do is beyond any sort of love I have ever known. I blow my nose into a wadded up tissue covered in tears. Wow. I never expected this movie to cause so many emotions. Even with the darkness and the overwhelming depression that weighs down my soul, by watching the film, I still force myself to notice what the story is really about.
The movie makes me view my life from a different perspective. I’m lucky. I have parents that love me. I’m in college. I have friends. The problems in my life are so small when compared with other people’s. Like in this movie. There are people that were sexually abused, physically abused… all sorts of abuse. I’ve never had to go through anything like that. Sander may have put his hands on me once, but that is nothing compared to what others have gone through. If people can make it through times like those, then I can make it through the problems in my social and love life. I can try to find a way to help Lauren, to make sure she’s okay and safe. I can give Sander a chance to prove he’s done with the drugs, and that he won’t cheat on me. I can have fun with Colton. I can do all of these things. That’s what freedom is about, right? Taking and giving chances. I should use my freedom to help not only myself, but also others. Decisions can be hard to make, but at least I have choices.
I fall asleep that night with my phone off and feeling a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I will find a way to make things right with Lauren, and I will spend time with both Colton and Sander. I have a dreamless, restful night.
Friday, I wake to a constant knocking on my door. I groggily get out of my warm, cozy bed and find Sander standing patiently in the hallway. He smiles fondly at me.
“Time to get ready,” he says.
“Ready for what?” I ask, confused.
“We’re going to go out for breakfast.” He smiles, knowing how much I love a good breakfast. I would kill for some bacon, eggs, and hash browns. I jump up and down like a little kid being told she gets to go the Disney World. I grab my glasses from my desk and put on an old pair of jeans and a tank top. Screw looking nice; breakfast time is serious. Sander chuckles as I quickly grab my purse and head towards the door, assuming he will follow me.
“You coming?” I say over my shoulder.
“I will never understand your love for so much food in the early mornings,” he says and closes the door behind us.
“What’s not to love?” My mouth is salivating just thinking of covering hash browns with ketchup. “Where are we going?”
“There’s a place I found called Charlie Browns. They are known for their breakfast around here.”
I lick my lips as my stomach rumbles, “Can’t wait.”
Charlie Browns is one of those establishments where it’s obviously family owned. The outside is painted a bright yellow with green trim. The inside has a home-like feel to it. Booths line the walls, some of them having small tears in the seats, but I consider that to mean it’s well worn—people must like it here. Our seat is in a corner, and above us are pictures from the television show Charlie Brown. Snoopy rests right above my head.
I ask for a coffee with cream and no sugar, and Sander gets a glass of milk. The waitress comes back surprisingly quickly with our drinks, and I order the special, Charlie’s Slam. It has eggs, choice of bacon or sausage (I choose bacon), hash browns and two pancakes. I’m having a feast. Sander orders biscuits and gravy with a stack of pancakes on the side—extra syrup.
We make small chitchat about Charlie Browns and how charming it is when our food arrives.
“How are classes going?” I ask in between sips of my coffee and bites of my eggs.
He bobs his head up and down and takes a gulp of milk, cooling his mouth from the heat of the biscuits. “Good. Good,” he says, but doesn’t go into detail. He’s always done well in school, so it doesn’t surprise me. Though, I was worried that the drugs and alcohol might have affected his work ethic.
“How about you?” he asks.
“They’re good,” I say. “I’m really enjoying my public speaking class. I’m considering majoring in Public Relations or maybe Advertising,” I say thoughtfully. I’ve been considering studying both lately. I think I would enjoy and do well at either one.
“You could make good money in those fields, too,” Sander says and forks a mouthful of pancakes.
“I guess. I just think I’d like it.”
“I’m kind of surprised.” He chews. “You’ve never really liked being around a ton of people, especially people you don’t know. I know you did the whole Speech Team thing in high school, but in the real world it’ll be different.”
I take a sip of my coffee and look up at him. I may not always like being around his friends and the people he likes to hang out with, but I think I’ve come a long way. I’ve made my own friends since being in college, and I’ve learned that as long as I’m confident in what I’m saying or giving a speech on, being in front of a group of people really doesn’t bother me. It actually fuels me to make others understand what I’m saying.
“I’ve changed since we moved here,” I say sharply. “Kind of like how you and Lauren have.”
He sets his fork and knife down and sits back in his seat. “I wasn’t trying to say you wouldn’t be good at it, Lilly. I was just saying I was shocked that you like it.”
I take a calming breath. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten irritated. It’s just you would know these things if you had been around me instead of doing…” I wave my hands at him. “Doing whatever you are doing.”
He nods solemnly. “I know.” He thoughtfully chews on the inside of his cheek. “I’ve been a shitty boyfriend ever since we left Edinburg.”
“
Sander… I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. This-” I start and gesture to him and then me. “It feels awkward. I don’t even know how to act. We used to have so much fun; it was never hard.”
He sighs while standing up and then slides into the booth next to me. He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me against him. “We’re still us, baby girl. You’re still mine. Let’s forget about the past month, okay? Let’s just forget about all of it and start from when we were excited to be leaving home and going off to college.” He nudges me. “What do ya say, baby?” He smiles hopefully.
“We can try,” I say, still frowning. “It’s just hard to forget everything,” I explain. “That’s why this break is so important. We have to learn to make one another happy, to make the other person a priority.”
“You’ll see that we are still Sander and Lilly, the couple from high school that everyone knew would last forever. That’s us, baby girl. We’re forever.”
I nod my head against his chest and bite my lower lip. I always imagined we’d be forever. In the past, when we were happy, if someone asked me what my future looked like, I would say I’d be married to Sander with maybe one kid or possibly just a couple of dogs and no kids. I knew that Sander was my future.
Now I’m trying to see where I might be in five years, and I’m coming up blank. I have no idea. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy and in love. But I’m unsure of who that will be with. Colton’s face flashes across the cinema screen in my mind. I think about the way his smile wrinkles the sides of his eyes, the way his hazel orbs look at me, especially when he’s laughing. Could it be Colton? No. No. Colton and marriage don’t even belong in the same sentence. But I can’t say I’m sold on Sander being the marriage type anymore, either.
Sander grabs the check from the end of the table and takes my hand leading me to the register. He keeps his left hand in mine as we exit the restaurant and head to the car. He even opens my car door. Instead of heading back to campus, he takes an exit that leads to the park that a lot of students like to go to for runs and bike rides. He pulls into a parking space hidden behind trees and looks toward me.
“I thought we could use some time for just us. Bryan is probably in my room, and I didn’t want us to bother Lauren either.”
Okay, he wants to talk. That’ll be good. I grin up at him.
“I’ve missed you, baby,” he says seductively as he grips my neck and places his lips hard on mine, forcing my lips to open. “Kiss me,” he growls.
So I do. I kiss him with all the sadness and anger he has made me feel in the past month. It’s desperate and achy. He’s trying to turn it into more, but I don’t want more right now. Right now, I just need to feel his lips on mine and his arms secured around my neck. I haven’t had just his lips meeting with mine in so very long. It’s not the same as it used to be. His lips don’t feel as smooth as they did before; now they feel dry and scratchy. The stubble on his face rubs roughly against my chin. His lips aren’t working with mine like they would in a dance—instead they are working on their own accord. It feels sloppy—not in a sexy way.
“Sander,” I say against his lips. “Slow down.”
“Baby, I want you so bad,” he says and then shoves his tongue back into my mouth.
I intertwine my tongue with his because I don’t want him to be angry if I pull away.
“Mmm,” he hums into my mouth as he runs his hands down my back and then up my shirt. “You taste so good.”
Inwardly I roll my eyes. He must be experiencing a completely different kiss.
Finally I pull back and put one hand on his chest. He’s breathing hard and looking at me wildly. Aww crap. He was expecting get some today. Sorry man, not happening.
“Sander we are supposed to be taking things slow, remember?
He huffs. “I thought we were over that. You said you wanted to try and forget all the crap that’s happened recently.”
“I do. I want to try and forget, but I’m still kind of hurt, Sander. I need to take this slow, okay?” I beg. “I’m not ready for more right now.”
He laughs tediously. “It’s a little late for that don’t you think?”
I narrow my eyes, “Just because we’ve had sex doesn’t mean I don’t have the power to tell you no if I’m not in the mood!” I say angrily.
He takes a long, calming breath. I watch his shoulder relax. “You’re right. I was acting like a dick. I just miss feeling that closeness with you,” he says.
“We just have to go slow, spend some more time together. I need to feel connected to you like we did in the past before I take it that far again. I hope you can understand that.”
“Yeah, baby. Sure,” he says kindly and then places a small tender kiss on my forehead, cheek and then finally my lips. “I get it.”
We spend some time in his car talking, but eventually we both run out of things to talk about. It’s clear he’s holding something back from me, and I am knowingly holding back any and all information about Colton.
Every once and awhile I catch both of us laughing easily like we used to in high school. Sander’s eyes will light up about something that I said, or he’ll say something completely crazy that gets my giggles going… and it’s in those times where I can see us being together. It’s like looking back at an old photograph of people that didn’t even know they were having their picture taken. It catches everything. Are the people smiling? Frowning? Arguing or laughing? That’s what it feels like as I watch Sander laugh. I’m looking at an old picture of us; a picture of us being happy. No one is around; it’s just he and I. With him smiling and me smiling, for just that second, it feels real again.
But just as quickly, the laughs die off. The smiles turn downward and become painful frowns, because even though we have a past full of love and happiness, the more present past has put a shadow over those happy times. It’s constantly there in the back of my head, bringing gloom and rain on an otherwise good day. It’s whispering accusations and negative words, and it’s telling me that Sander is lying to me. It’s telling me that Sander cheated on me. It’s telling me that we can never go back to the way things were.
There’s a boiling anger that seeps through my body. It’s not just directed towards Sander, but also at that piece of me that can’t put my whole self into mending our relationship. I try to hide my confusing feelings from Sander. I really do want to give him this chance that he asked for. So I smile when I should, laugh when he expects it, and when he takes me back to my dorm, I kiss him long and hard.
My day with Sander was… fun. Going to breakfast, talking about our past and our possible future, laughing—it was nice. It was almost like everything was back to normal. Except there was one huge difference: Colton.
He’s been constantly on my mind. There were times today that he would be pushed back in my mind, but then he would come shooting forward, begging to be thought about. Man did I love thinking about him. The way he kissed with all of his body and soul. The way his fingers would move up and down gently but firm against my skin—strumming me like his guitar. Even now, when I think of that night, chills break across my skin, my breathing becomes shallow, a need between my legs burns, and my eyes flutter closed so that I can picture the way he held me so desperately in his room. Yet, he wouldn’t take it any further. He said he wanted to take his time. Well, if he keeps kissing me like he did, taking his time isn’t going to be an option.
I have to call him. We’ve texted throughout the week. I left his house upset about the pixie bitch, and still when I think of her, the signs of jealously start making their way through my stomach and down my arms to my clenched fists. But, I have no reason to hold that against him. He’s allowed to talk to any girl he wants to. I have no claim on him. He has no claim on me. I just know that I need to see him again.
I pick up my phone and send him a quick text.
Me: Hey. Busy?
Colton: Nah, wanna go somewhere?
Me: What did ya have in mind?
Colton: Hmm… ;) I’ll be there in 15.
I smile widely and bite my lower lip. Anywhere he wants to go, I’ll go.
Butterflies break out in my stomach when Colton texts me letting me know he’s waiting for me downstairs. I push my way out the door, run speedily down the stairs, and then stop in my tracks. I have an idea—I’m not sure if Colton actually has an idea of what we can do this evening, but whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. Excitement rushes through me. Nervousness causes my breathing to quicken. The excitement is definitely winning out though. A real and happy smile sits on my face as I rush back up the stairs and to my room. I reach under my bed and grab a worn, large blanket. I refold it and then exit my dorm. I can’t believe I’m asking him to do this. I didn’t think I’d ever want to try this with another person after trying it with Sander and Lauren.
Colton gets out of the car when he sees me burst through the doors and outdoors. The sun is still out, but it won’t be for long—perfect for my plan. I smile up at Colton, his hair disheveled as usual and his lip ring pulling tight by the smile stretching his lips. The sight causes me to pause in my walk to him just to admire the man standing there. He has a lightweight, long sleeved shirt on, but he’s rolled up the sleeves to his elbows. The muscles in his forearms flex when he runs a hand through his hair. I walk over and he takes the blanket from me.
“What’s this for?” he questions with a raised eyebrow.
My eyes drop shyly. “I have an idea,” I say.
“Well let’s hear it,” he says as he tips my chin up, forcing me to look him in the eyes. The small gesture sends thoughts of what else we could do on the blanket through my mind. Without thinking I lift up on my tiptoes and plant my lips against his, a small but important kiss. It’s the first kiss between us that didn’t take a thought.
I pull away and look up at him. He runs his thumb across my lower lip and grins. “Well, what’s this brilliant idea of yours?” he asks again.
