“Alright, where the fuck am I?” Ez demanded, standing on the table and glaring down at the partiers.
A caterpillar the size of the person gaped at her. “Wonderland.” He blurted out.
“Wonderland.” An anthropomorphized hare agreed, sounding shell-shocked to see a green-skinned witch before him.
All around her, the other tea drinking idiots were nodding. Stupid hats swayed as their heads bobbed up and down, all agreeing that Ez was stuck in the ass-end of all kingdoms.
Esmeralda groaned, her palm coming up to slap against her forehead.
Even the upside-down realm would’ve been better than goddamn Wonderland. Not only was it hard as hell to escape once you got stuck here, but it was filled with all kinds of bizarre, annoying, and lawless bullshit guaranteed to piss people off.
Avenant was sooo going to pay for this.
“Perfect.” Esmeralda headed down the length of the table, kicking the dainty china cups out of her way. “Somebody tell me the quickest way out of here.” She ordered, porcelain and scones crutching her boots. “I’m not in the mood for this crap.”
A Cheshire cat pointed off towards a gigantic row of hedges. “You must brave the mysteries of the white rose labyrinth.” She said, awe in her voice.
“Nah… I don’t think so.” No way was Esmeralda dealing with another stupid maze. “What’s the other quickest way?”
“Through the castle.” The caterpillar told her. “But, you’ll never get passed the queen and her guards.”
“Whatever.” Esmeralda hopped of the edge of the table, trying not to stare too long at any one spot. The colors of the place burned her retinas. Witches had a pathological aversion to so much cheery. It was definitely time to go.
Some playing-card soldiers came barreling down the steps as she neared the checkered palace, their heart-shaped spears at the ready. “Halt!” One of them bellowed. “Halt in the name of her majesty!”
Esmeralda rolled her eyes and kept marching forward. “Boys, you don’t want to mess with me today.” She warned the two-dimensional goon squad. “I haven’t eaten, my hair’s a mess, and your doofy kingdom gives me a migraine.”
They didn’t take her extremely good advice. Instead, the morons charged. Their creepily thin bodies scissor-stepped their way towards her.
“Invader!” One shrieked. “Sound the alarm!”
“Protect Queen Alice!” Another called.
“Kill her!” Several more chanted in unison. “Kill the invader!”
Well, it wasn’t like she hadn’t warned them. Esmeralda raised a hand and let loose with her magic. Green lightening streaked across the plaid grass, shredding through the playing cards like they were made of paper. Which, come to think of it, they were. The “fight” was over in two seconds flat and Esmeralda didn’t even have to slow her steps.
The deck of idiots probably didn’t have enough forces left to make a passable hand of bridge.
Tea party guests, intact guards, and everyone else around ran for the pastel striped hills. Clearly, there weren’t many witches in these nauseatingly colorful parts. She’d just scared the hell out of every Wonderlandian in a two mile radius.
Esmeralda smiled, her mood improving. It was like Auntie Hazel always said: If you aren’t having fun being a wicked witch, then you’re doing it wrong.
“It’s the Queen of Clubs!” Somebody shouted. “She’s come to murder us all!”
Five minutes in this place and she’d already been promoted to queen? It was about time Ez got the respect she was due. Witches lived to inspire terror, but Esmeralda had always been kind of a screw-up. Most of her plots for world domination got laughed out of the Cauldron Society. No matter how hard she tried, evilness just didn’t come naturally to her. It was a huge embarrassment. Things were suddenly looking up, though.
Too bad no one important was around to see it.
She headed up the curving steps of the palace, delighting in the fearful response of the citizenry. They hid behind furniture. They cowered in corners. Their eyes were wide and damp with horrified tears. Damn, if only she had a camera…
“Stop!” An oh-so-pretty girl in a blue dress stepped directly into Esmeralda’s path. “I am Queen Alice,” she pointed to her crown just in case Esmeralda had missed it, “and this is my kingdom, invader!”
“Really?” Esmeralda wasn’t impressed. “You should seriously think about redecorating this joint, then. It’s like a rainbow threw-up on your entire realm, blondie.”
Alice jabbed a finger at her, her lips narrowing into a tight line. “I am placing you under arrest for Badness and witchcraft and disruption of a tea party and…”
“Oh, shut up.” Esmeralda waved a palm and turned the jabbering twit into a log. She’d been going for a frog, but a log would do. Not quite as classically evil, but still kind of scary.
Kind of.
She wrinkled her nose. Ever since she’d gotten out of the WUB Club, her spells only had a 50/50 success rate. It was getting to be a problem.
Luckily, it didn’t make much magic to intimidate the nitwits of Wonderland. The ones who hadn’t already passed out or run away goggled at the hunk of wood that used to be Alice. The diamond tiara was still perched on its branchy top… which was actually a little bit funny.
Not that anybody here had a sense of humor. She seriously needed to find a way home.
Esmeralda stomped over to pick up the crown and plopped it on her own head. At least she’d finally gotten to steal herself something sparkly. “Alright.” She looked at the traumatized faces surrounding her and arched a brow. “Which way to the exit?”
Beast in Shining Armor (A Kinda Fairy Tale) Page 24
