I held the tissue to my nose and prayed for the strength to get me through this day.
A soft knock sounded at the door, and I looked in the mirror to see Shane’s reflection.
“We should probably get going,” Shane said, his eyes tired from this life we’d been given.
I nodded and turned, holding my hand out for his. His fingers locked with mine, and we made our way out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
“Sammi wants to speak,” Shane informed me.
I smiled and shook my head. “Of course she does.”
Sammi was waiting on the front porch. Her hair braided just the way her dad loved it. Her eyes met mine, and I forced down the tears welling up.
I let go of Shane’s hand and reached for Sammi’s. She squeezed it back as we walked down the steps to the car waiting for us.
“I love you, Sammi Troner. Your father would be proud of you.”
She stopped and smiled. “He is proud of me and so is Cynthia.”
“He sure is,” Shane said, nodding. “He’s mighty proud of his girl.”
I looked into Sammi’s eyes and realized I was looking into the soul of an angel. She felt her father’s presence, and I would do nothing from this moment forward to tarnish that.
We climbed in the black sedan, and it pulled away from the home Cynthia, Charles, and Sammi shared.
“Shane said you wanted to speak at the service?” I asked, my voice breaking.
“I know him best.”
“You sure do.” I nodded, ensuring I didn’t speak of her father in the past tense.
The driver pulled up to the funeral home that was overflowing with people, and I pushed down the lump in my throat as I climbed out of the car first and helped Sammi out, followed by Shane.
The funeral director greeted us and ushered us inside as the pews quickly filled and the pastor stood at the altar. Just as we sat down, Sammi sprang up from her seat and marched over to the pastor. He smiled and stepped aside as Sammi stood in front of the quieting crowd.
Amazing Grace played through the hall, and Shane slid his hand over mine. We were both careful not to look at one another or we knew we’d break down. Shane had chosen the flowers and they looked exactly like Cynthia and Charles’ wedding flowers.
Sammi tapped the microphone and cleared her throat before she started to speak.
“My father, Charles Troner, was an amazing man. He’d known his share of heartache. He lost the woman of his dreams, but she left a piece of her with him. She left me. My mom and dad were made for one another. They got each other, and he worshipped her.”
People’s cries and sniffles rippled through the room as Sammi continued.
“We all know my dad loved hard. He loved sparingly, but he loved hard. He loved me hard. He took care of me, and it was us against the world. When my mom passed, I knew my father would always be there for me. He promised that, and I know he will keep his word. But then he met Cynthia, and I realized love knew no limits. We aren’t given a finite amount to spread sparingly among one another. Love is limitless, it’s boundless, and it’s freeing. It’s overflowing and the more you give, the more you have. My father was a great man. And Cynthia was an amazing woman. Rather than rattle off all the things my dad accomplished in his life, I can tell you what mattered most was how he loved. And he loved good. He loved well. And he was loved.”
There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Sammi scanned the audience and smiled before running out the back exit. I leaped up and ran after her as the pastor continued the service.
“Sammi?” I called, not seeing the girl who brought down the entire house. “Sammi?”
I scanned the parking lot and looked to the rolling lawn behind where the gravestones marked the grass. I saw a dot in the distance and realized she’d somehow managed to already reach her father’s gravesite.
I jogged after her and finally met up with her standing next to two holes.
Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and she collapsed on her knees where the empty cavern waited for her father.
“It’s not fair.” She looked up at me, and I nodded.
“No, it’s not.” I sat next to her. “Life isn’t fair and what happened here is downright cruel.”
“I always assumed since I lost my mom young, I’d get to keep my dad forever.” She glanced at me. “Or at least until he could walk me down the aisle.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
I reached for her hand and pulled it into my lap. “Your father is an amazing man, and the gift he left the world is you, and I will always do my best to honor you. To honor his wishes and raise you to the be strong woman you always have been. But the truth is, he already did all that. He and your mom made you the amazing young lady you already are.”
She drew a slow breath. “What’s the point with all this?”
“This?” I asked.
“Living so we can start dying.”
Her words were profound, and I didn’t have an answer other than her own.
“You said it yourself. Love.”
“Love is the point.” Her shoulders sagged, and she brought her gaze to mine. “No one will ever love me like he did.”
I nodded. “Not in the same way. No.” I saw Shane making his way over. “But there will be someone or many someones who will love you in different ways.”
She spotted Shane and stood up.
“How’s Shane?” she asked, helping me up.
“He’s worried about you.”
“I’ll be okay. I have you.” She dropped her gaze. “I’m not sure he does.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve already started pushing him away. I can see it.”
“Oh, Sammi. I’m not pushing him away. It’s just that now’s not the time. You’re my focus now and—”
“How are my two favorite girls?” Shane asked walking toward us.
“Good.” Sammi scowled and looked down into the empty grave.
“We’re managing.” I nodded. “But how are you?”
“About the same as you two, I’d imagine.”
I nodded, wondering if what Sammi said was true. Had I already started to pull back?
“They’re bringing the caskets here for the graveside service.” He glanced at the two empty holes and then noticed the bulldozer parked behind the screen of shrubbery.
I spotted Charles’ parents. I wasn’t sure how they took the news that I’d be raising their grandchild, not them. Charles had never been particularly close to them.
I drew a breath and let it out slowly. Sammi followed my gaze.
“I think they’re relieved they don’t have to look after me.” Sammi crossed her arms over her chest.
“What?” Shane asked. “Who?”
“My grandparents. They never really approved of my dad’s choices. They thought he should have become an attorney and married Dakota.”
I rolled my eyes, knowing that was at least partially true.
Sammi straightened as her grandparents came over. The strain between them was palpable, but it was nothing compared to the withering look I got from Charles’ parents before the pastor began the second sermon.
Shane squeezed my shoulder, and I turned to look at the man I knew I was about to run away from.
Chapter Nineteen
“You’re sure you want to live on Fireweed and go to high school here? I have no problem moving over there if that’s what you want. I can cut glass anywhere.”
Sammi smiled and laughed. “For the millionth time, I want to live on Fireweed. Too much has happened, and I want a fresh start. I don’t want pity from kids at school, and I certainly don’t want to run into Trey.”
Charles and Cynthia’s home had been paid off thanks to Charles’ mighty fine money-management skills, and it was placed in a trust for Sammi. She knew we could live there, or we could rent it out, and the earned income would add to her future savings. I didn’t blame her when she decided she didn’t want to live there,
but I wasn’t putting it up for rent until she was ready. There’s no hurry, and she might not ever be ready. It was her decision.
We were sitting in the middle of my living room, which suddenly seemed inadequate to raise a teenager, but she insisted we stay through the summer. I’d already been working with a real estate agent to find a new place to purchase that would accommodate my workspace and another bedroom for her. It was proving to be a tricky endeavor.
“Okay, we should probably take off pretty soon. Your counseling session is in thirty minutes.”
Sammi nodded and stood up. “You should come in with me.”
I shook my head. “I’m good. That’s your personal time, and I’m doing fine.”
“Really?” Her brow arched. “You baked your high heels in the oven instead of brownies. And you’re ignoring all of Shane’s texts and messages.”
“No. I’m not ignoring his messages.” I shook my head, but skipped her observation about the shoe fiasco.
“Yeah, you are.”
So this was what I had to look forward to for the next several years. A little guardian angel that didn’t sit on my shoulder but rather sat right in front of me and talked back to me.
It didn’t matter that she was right. I probably did need counseling, and I probably was ignoring Shane. At least in a romantic way. But it was for the best. It was for survival.
Sammi was and always would be my priority now. I would never put that burden on a new relationship.
“Good. So it’s decided. You’re coming in with me.” Sammi grinned just like her father and I laughed.
“While I appreciate your gusto, I am the older person in this relationship and for the next three years what I say goes or I’ll be a very distraught forty-something when it’s all over.”
“You’re only in your thirties.” Sammi giggled. “Fine. Have it your way, but I think you’re doing yourself a disservice to leave your mental health up to—”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Up to what?”
“Up to you.” She laughed.
I rubbed the top of her head and messed up her tidy hairdo. She’d chopped off all the lavender ends before her dad’s memorial service and never mentioned bringing them back.
“Promise me if you don’t visit my counselor this time, you will at some point? I always feel better after talking to her.”
I let out a deep breath and nodded. “Fine. You’ve got my word.”
“Good.”
I grabbed my car keys and purse and followed Sammi out the door. It was another beautiful summer day on Fireweed, but all I wanted was to skip over this summer and head deep into fall. Too much had happened, and we needed a strong start to a new year.
I squeezed Sammi’s shoulder as we walked through the gate. Sammi was an amazing young woman, and I felt honored to bring her into my home, and into my family. My brother, Josh, and my parents had come to the island several times to visit us and make life feel a little less isolated, but I worried about Sammi, and I was grateful she agreed to talk to a therapist.
We climbed into the car, and I drove into town past the old warehouse building that was already deep into renovations. My stomach tightened at the thought of Shane. I missed him, but he had mourning of his own to do, and I didn’t want to rope him into thinking something more could exist between us any longer.
It couldn’t.
Not with Sammi.
She was my main focus, and I’d vowed to finish raising her to Charles’ standards. I didn’t need to drag a teenager into my messy world of relationships. It wouldn’t be fair to her, and it wouldn’t be fair to Shane.
“Has Shane been here at all since the funeral?” Sammi asked.
I drew a deep breath and shook my head. “Not that I know of.”
“Have you asked?”
“I’m not sure I want to know the answer.”
“How so?” she asked.
‘If he has been here and he didn’t tell me, I’d probably feel bad.” I cleared my throat and turned into the parking lot of the therapist. “And if he avoided here because of me, I’d feel bad.”
“So it’s best to just ignore reality.” Sammi laughed, and I playfully smacked her as I put the car into park.
“You’re too smart for your own good.”
“Tell me about it. Why do you think I need a shrink?” Sadness touched her gaze, and I wanted to do nothing more than bring her father back. I wanted to make her life easier or at least more normal. “I’ll see you in an hour.”
“I’ll be here.”
“I know, and I thank you for that.” She shut the car door and marched into the office building while I dug out my phone. Shane had texted a couple days ago, and I couldn’t bring myself to answer.
I felt like such an awful person, but for once in my life I had a good reason for not being able to commit to a relationship. I had to finish raising Sammi.
I stared at his text and sadness washed over me.
I miss you. I know your life has changed as much as mine. But I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss your laugh. I just miss you. I’ll be waiting.
Tears filled my eyes, and I wiped them away quickly. The problem was that I didn’t want him waiting. I didn’t want Shane Parker to be sitting and waiting for something I could never give him.
Sure. I pretended that I could finally settle down. He broke my walls down, and I let him in, but this whole thing built them right back up, and I didn’t want to play games or waste his time.
I would be his friend and nothing more. Tapping the steering wheel, I stared at the text message and finally got the nerve to write back.
I miss you too, Shane. I think of you often, and I hope we can continue to be friends. Sammi is here with me on Fireweed. I’ll be moving to a bigger space once I can find one. She decided she wanted to attend high school here. Anyway, I haven’t known how to respond. I wanted to call, but I didn’t think I’d make it through the conversation. Just know I miss you too, but I can’t offer more. I’ll never be able to offer more.
I drew a deep breath and hit send as my fingers trembled waiting for him to receive my answer.
I heard your silence and already knew what you were going to tell me. But we’ve both experienced a loss that is indescribable, and I refuse to lose you too. I’ll be here. I’ll be waiting. Tell Sammi hi and her uncle looks forward to her next visit.
I let out a cry and shut off my phone. No good would come out of continuing to date Shane. A tragedy tore us apart before we even began, and sometimes love just wasn’t enough. A groan escaped my lips as I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a life with Shane as a friend. And a friend only.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t.
I swallowed down the sadness that tried to hijack my rational side. Time would heal this and all wounds. I opened my messaging again and typed a quick text back to Shane.
Will do. If you need anything, I’m here, Shane.
I let out a deep breath and immediately got a text.
I need YOU, Dakota.
His words warmed me deep inside, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted. Not now. Probably never. And it pained me. For the first time in my life I’d found someone who truly got me, but sometimes life had a way of changing what was important, what was a priority. Shane couldn’t be my priority, and that wasn’t fair to him.
Sammi came walking out of the office building, and I glanced at the clock. I had no idea how an entire hour had passed, but here she was. Sammie opened the door and slid in the car.
“How was it?”
“Rough.” She slouched in the seat as she buckled up. “Really rough.”
“I’m sorry.” I touched her cheek and a faint smile ran across her features.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. If I don’t do this hard work now, it will be even worse in the future, and I’ll become numb to the world.” She glanced at me. “Sometimes I already feel myself closing off from people.”
Her words hung heav
y in the air.
“No. You don’t want that.” I turned on the ignition and put the car in reverse as I tried hard to keep it together.
“Is that what you’re doing with Uncle Shane?” Sammi asked.
“Is what what I’m doing?”
“Making yourself go numb? Or is it just natural for you?”
“I—” I stopped and glanced at Sammi. “I’m not numb with Shane. I only wish I were.”
Sammi shook her head and pulled out her phone. “He texted me. Wanted to know if I still planned on coming out to the ranch later this summer. There’s only a couple weeks left.”
My heart stumbled on itself at the thought of Sammi leaving Fireweed. Ever since Charles’ accident, I didn’t want to let Sammi out of my sight. I’d developed completely irrational fears about her safety, and the idea of her being in the middle of Montana scared me to death.
“Would you come?” she asked.
“I don’t know that I should.” I pulled the car back in front of our house.
“I won’t go unless you go and I really want to go.”
“Give me a day to think about it, okay?” My eyes connected with Sammi’s and I saw the hope running through her gaze. I couldn’t tell her no. Not when she looked forward to this so much. “You know what? I’ll go. We can go.”
“Thank God because I already told Shane we’d be coming.” She flashed an evil grin and hopped out of the car.
I darted after her. “Sammi Troner. When did you text him?”
“This morning.” Her grin only deepened as she flew into the house.
She was going to be the death of me or vice versa, but either way, I had work to get done. I walked into my barn and turned on the lights, staring at the third church window I’d been working on all week and wondered if I was strong enough to see Shane again.
Chapter Twenty
Much to Sammi’s dismay, I bought us tickets to Montana, and we flew commercial. Shane had sent countless texts telling me it was a waste of money, but I didn’t feel the need to point out which of us was probably wasting more to get us there.
Accidental Love on Meadow Cove Lane (Island County Series Book 10) Page 15
