by Annie Dyer
Before moving to London, my mum would’ve collected Rose each day from the child minder, even looked after her for a day a week. It was a luxury I was eternally grateful for, and when she’d eventually decided to move away to live with Danica, her new partner, there had been a side of me that had been crestfallen, knowing that childcare was going to be less straightforward than it had been. If Olivia moved to New York, Rose’s days would get longer; she’d be with Elspeth from seven-thirty in the morning until around six in the evening, and I’d likely be working after she’d gone to bed.
It wouldn’t give me much time to spend with my clever, beautiful girl.
“These things happen. I only have the two of them and a baby three days a week, so I’m glad of the company. As long as I know, we’re good, and she’s been a very good girl today. Very helpful. Her book is filled out by me and nursery so you can see what she’s had to eat and all that, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Elspeth patted my shoulder, which made me miss my mum even more.
Heels clicked along the path that led to the front door in a rhythm I recognised.
“Auntie Liv!” Rose stretched her arms out as if trying to hug Olivia through the air. “I painted you a picture!”
“Amazing.” Liv leaned in to give her a kiss. “I’m really sorry, Elspeth, this almost never happens. And I’m sorry, Rose. I was late.”
My daughter just giggled. “I played with Addy instead. We had a teddy’s tea party.”
I saw Liv breathe a sigh of relief. She adored her niece, and half of the messages she left were her verbally beating herself up for being late for Rose on her first full day away from us since we’d moved.
But Rose clearly wasn’t bothered.
“What’s for dinner, Mummy?”
I sighed. I hadn’t thought about dinner. Liv would’ve sorted out something for Rose before I got home and then I’d have had something that wasn’t mouldy from the fridge.
“Auntie Liv is taking you and Mummy out for Italian. We can celebrate your mummy’s first day at her new job and you being such a good girl for Elspeth.” Liv stretched her arms out and Rose leaned over to her, freeing up my arms and making me realise what a dead weight she’d become.
“That sounds like a very good idea.” I gave my sister a relieved smile. “Thank you again, Elspeth.”
The older woman batted her hand at me, her eyes on Rose. “It’s been a pleasure. And I’ll see this one in the morning.” She stepped closer and ruffled Rose’s hair.
My daughter gave that little giggle again that made everything in the world okay.
“I’ll drop her off in the morning,” Liv said. “I’m guessing it’ll be a later bedtime than normal, so if I have her here for eight-thirty?”
I frowned at my sister. “What about your work?”
She shrugged. “Booked a day off. They can cope without me for once. Let’s go, Rose Petal. See you tomorrow, Elspeth!”
We went to a little Italian place just around the corner from where I was living, the smell making my mouth water before we’d even walked through the door. The waiter led us to a table nicely out of the way and I settled Rose with a colouring book and pencils, which would keep her happily occupied while Liv and I inhaled food.
“Have I said I’m sorry enough yet?” Liv patted her hair, checking it was still in place.
It was thick and long like mine, but the colour was the same as Rose’s, walnut brown. Unlike mine and Rose’s, it didn’t have a wave, and instead was bone straight. She preferred to wear it up and was obsessed with it not being perfect.
“Yes, move on. You can get dinner and maybe a bottle of wine to take home. Decent stuff, not vinegar dyed red. That can be your penance.” A sickening feeling settled back in my stomach at how I’d had to leave Seph so suddenly. I knew he would judge; he’d think me flighty and unprofessional, and even though I knew I was none of those things, he didn’t know the reason why I’d left so suddenly.
“Mummy, do you have my books?” Rose pushed the pencils back in their case just as the waiter brought the two large glasses of chianti over and a juice box for Rose.
I reached for her satchel that was under the table and pulled out the picture books she’d become glued too. She was turning into a reader; just before Mum moved to Spain she’d started taking Rose to the library for story time and the library had become the place where she also wanted to be, going up to anyone who was talking and telling them to ‘shush’.
“Here you go.” I passed them to her and then made the unfortunate mistake of looking straight at my sister who wore the same expression as when she’d known I was pregnant and hadn’t told our mother yet. “Do you want spaghetti?”
Rose nodded, fully fixed on her books, one of which was about a unicorn named Jonathan, of all things.
“Do you want spaghetti too, Olivia?”
My sister glared.
“Why doesn’t your new firm know about…?” She glanced at Rose.
I shook my head. “Because you get judged. You have – one of those – and they assume you’ll be leaving early, getting there late and taking additional time off because of care issues, all of which are kind of true. And – I want to keep it separate.”
She sipped her wine as if it was some sort of youth giving elixir. “You’re making a mistake. At some point, they’ll find out and then you’ll look like you were hiding a dirty little secret. I get not making a big deal of it; the parents at work who are constantly going on about how little Amarinta or Ebenezer are responding with pure cotton nappies on their delicate derrieres…” She rolled her eyes. “But you shouldn’t be ashamed of the best thing you’ve ever done.” Her gaze landed back on Rose.
My sister adored her niece. I was well aware that if I told Rose no to cookies or chocolate, she’d tap Olivia up for them and get them, along with the words don’t tell Mummy.
“I’m not ashamed.” I was proud of my daughter, and of myself. But the story behind her conception and the subsequent fallout were not moments in time I wanted to relive. It was fair to say, her biological father had done a number on me, and was part of the reason I’d moved.
“So start being proud of her and that you’re an amazing mother who is doing incredibly well at her career. Winning on all counts.” She tapped my glass with hers.
It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Apart from the fact I see my friends about once a year and have no life.”
“Look at what you have got rather than not.”
“You sound like Mum.”
Liv glared. “Wash your mouth out.”
I laughed; Liv hated being compared to our mother, even though we both had great relationships with her, she irritated us in different ways.
“One of the senior partners has just had another baby.” I thought back to this morning in the café with Claire and Payton. It felt like days ago. “She breastfed her during the partners’ briefing this morning.”
“And you seriously think them knowing you’re a mum will be a problem?” Olivia shook her head and somehow managed to look even more disgusted.
I smiled at the waiter, coming to take our order. He couldn’t have had better timing.
A spag bol, sage and pumpkin quattroni and aubergine parmigiana ordered, Liv still waited for an answer.
“Thank you.” I gave the waiter a brilliant smile and waited for him to disappear. “No, it won’t be a problem. I think Claire O’Hara will rip the penis off anyone who suggests having children puts a blocker on your career.”
Olivia’s grin made her look a little like a cannibal awaiting its main course.
“Mummy, what’s a penis?” My daughter looked up from her book.
Fuckity fuck fuck.
“It’s what a boy or a man wees out of.”
“Oh.”
Oh? That was it?
“James called it his willy.”
Double fuckity fuck fuck.
“Who’s James, Rose?” I moved the books from my daughter’s hands.
Her
eyes were big and hazel, wide with innocence, as she looked up at me.
“He goes to nursery and he got his willy out and pointed at it.” She wrinkled her nose. “He got told off.”
“Good. Private parts stay private. And James needs to keep his private.”
She pulled another face. “It didn’t look nice.”
I made the mistake of looking at Olivia who was trying not to die laughing.
“Penises don’t look nice. They’re ugly.” I was pretty sure I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen one, other than Rose’s dad, before I knew I was pregnant.
Maybe I needed to make friends with a new penis.
“Is it called a willy or a penis, Auntie Liv?”
I sat back and let Olivia take the floor. I was pretty sure my sister had seen a penis far more recently than me.
“Both. And there are other names for it as well, but some are swear words so children don’t use those.” Olivia sipped her wine.
“Oh.” She reached for her books, bored of the conversation although I’d bet my last twenty pounds she’d bring it up again in a couple of days.
Food arrived and I sunk into my pasta after trying to cut up Rose’s spaghetti so she wouldn’t slurp it. It was a battle I lost, because the little demon was desperate to pretend she was sucking up worms.
We left her to it, knowing that she’d be dunked straight in the bath when we got home, and after that it would be bed.
“What was Seph Callaghan like?” Liv looked up from her parmigiana. “I’ve seen photos – he’s gorgeous.”
“He’s bigger than you’d think from photos. Broader. Looks like he spends a lot of time in the gym lifting weights. He doesn’t seem arrogant though.” I told her about the client he’d seen today without giving too many details.
Seph had impressed me. He could’ve been condescending or haughty, given I was new and not from the same stock that he was, with law running through my blood. Instead he’d been interested and listened.
I knew I’d disappointed him when I’d left so abruptly.
“If he’s a nice guy, just explain it to him and he’ll understand. Maybe. If he can get over that you’ve lied by omission.” Her eyes turned slightly less evil. “I get why you didn’t say anything. When you’re in the office you’re Georgia Marston, not…”
“Georgia Marston, mother of Steve Ashworth’s love child.” I muttered the words just in case Rose was listening in, but Olivia knew exactly what I was saying.
“And on that note, drink up, let’s go home. You bathe your daughter and I’ll get the kettle on.” She turned to the waiter with a big smile and asked for the bill.
“I thought you were buying us some wine?”
She shook her head. “Friday. You definitely don’t need a hangover tomorrow.”
When I found out I was pregnant, my overwhelming feeling had been that of joy. Steve and I had been seeing each other for about nine months and a baby hadn’t been part of the plan. We were both career-focused and driven, but as soon as I saw the two lines on the test, she was all I wanted and I’d have given everything else up in a heartbeat to keep her healthy.
Being a single mum was hard, but I had help. Sleepless nights, colic, teething, forgetting your name and not remembering exactly when you last showered weren’t anything to recommend, but when my little girl was clean and tucked up in bed, her thick walnut hair spread across the pillow and her stuffed toy cat cuddled next to her, I’d have taken double the colic and teething to get to where we were.
Maybe not the sleepless nights. They were sent from the devil.
“Mummy, can we have a dog?”
I snapped out of the blissed out maternal state I’d hypnotised myself into. I was pretty sure talcum powder was some form of cocaine for exhausted parents.
“Say what?”
“Can we have a dog?”
My little angel child sat back up and rubbed her eyes.
“No, sweetheart, we cannot have a dog.” Hard limit. I loved animals, but no.
“Why?” The bottom lip turned up.
Because I can only just about keep both of us alive, let alone an animal. Because we lived in a rented property and I was pretty sure my landlord would not want four muddy paws on that gorgeously impractical champagne carpet. Because I was already short of about seven hours in each day.
“When you’re old enough to walk it yourself and pick up its poop, then we can discuss it again.”
“When will I be old enough to do that?”
Never.
“When you can tidy your own room, wash your own clothes, iron them, and be safe enough to make a cup of tea.” That would equate to never, if she took after her Auntie Olivia. She had no idea how to even plug an iron in.
“I’ll tidy my room tomorrow.”
“That will be a start. Now lie back down and close your eyes.”
“Can I have another story? One about a dog?”
For the love of all things holy.
“How about you tell me one?”
“Can you lie down next to me then?”
My daughter: the negotiator.
I lay down next to her and listened to a story that combined a lost puppy, with a princess named Rose and a troll that lived under a bridge. She was mid-sentence and I think Rose was about to take the puppy home when she fell asleep.
Using every one of my stealth powers, I slipped off the bed and left her bedroom, the only light from the bedside lamp that was on a timer. At some point, I needed to decorate her room, but that meant either a weekend where I didn’t have work, she didn’t have any parties, or I paid someone. Another thing to add to the list.
Olivia was asleep on the sofa, a reality TV show playing that she’d deny watching when I asked. I ignored her; she slept on the sofa more often than she slept in her bed.
My phone was still in my bag, where I'd managed to drop it just before Rose jumped on me. I pulled it out to check for messages, knowing there would be at least one from my mum.
There was, plus one from college friend and another from a number I didn’t recognise. I checked that first.
Hope everything was okay this evening. We can catch up in the morning with what we couldn’t cover today. Seph.
I put the phone down on the side and closed my eyes, trying not to think about the man I was sharing an office with. He was just a colleague.
A partner in the firm where I was.
That was all.
Chapter Six
Georgia
By the time the alarm rang on Friday morning, we’d developed some sort of routine. I woke Rose earlier than I needed, mainly so we could at least have breakfast together rather than a mad rush and me barely seeing her in the evening. She loved nursery, just like she’d loved it where we’d lived before, and every day she came home with various stories about the other children. My child was a gossip, something I put down to her inheriting from her aunt. She also loved Elspeth, which was a godsend, as I wasn’t entirely sure I would’ve coped without her myself.
“Mummy, can we have eggs for breakfast?”
Over the last four years, I’d become a morning person. To be honest, I’d become a whenever-my-daughter-needs-me-person, which also included mornings.
I checked my watch. I had just about enough time to scramble some eggs and toast some bread before we’d need to walk to Elspeth’s. The journey between work, the child-minder’s and home was going to work a miracle on toning my legs.
“Sure, sweetheart. But when Auntie Liv moans about the pots in the sink, you need to explain why they’re there.”
There was a little aha, which basically meant she wasn’t listening anymore as she was back looking at her book. Elspeth had loaned her a book of fairy tales and she’d become obsessed with it, something I could definitely live with as it had distracted her from the idea of the dog.
I cracked the eggs, mixed them with a dash of milk and put butter in the pan. Rose burned off food quickly, and the extra fats wouldn
’t do her any harm. She’d been three weeks premature and a tiny baby, and she hadn’t yet caught up size-wise to most other children the same age.
Holding Claire’s baby on Monday had reminded me of Rose at that age. I’d never thought I’d be so consumed with my child, or fall so completely in love, but I did and the whole baby smell and the feel of Niamh in my arms had pulled at the maternal feelings that were still there.
But for now, there was no chance of having another baby. That would require a man, which would require time, and that time was better served making my daughter breakfast.
“Here you go.” I put the small plate with one piece of buttered toast and a pile of yellow scrambled eggs in front of her and was rewarded with a big smile and her book being pushed away.
Twenty minutes later we were leaving the house, only slightly later than I wanted, but it was Friday and on the whole, it had been a good week. Seph hadn’t held my dashing off against me, nor had he asked what the problem had been. There’d also been no reason to tell him that I was a single mother, because aside from checking my phone to see the photos sent by nursery of what Rose was doing, and the texts from Elspeth reassuring me, my day focused on work, and there was a lot of it.
I was listening to Rose chatter about Addy, who was fast becoming her best friend, and how she was scared of woodlice. This led to a whole conversation about insects and creatures that had exoskeletons, which then led on to skeletons in general.
Midway through an explanation about joints, I felt a warm wetness between my legs. Nothing gushing, nothing that suggested imminent danger, but a nice – cue sarcasm – reminder that I was still of child-bearing years and had paid no attention to my cycle because there wasn’t much reason to keep track.
I stopped walking and took my hand out of Rose’s, rummaging through my bag for tampons.
None were there.
“We just need to pop into a shop, Sweets.” I smiled at her, wishing I could wave a wand so she never had to go through any of this.
