Relief shot through me, although I didn’t even deserve to feel relieved. I didn’t know what to say.
“Look, I gotta go. I have to help my mom with something.”
He didn’t. It was an excuse, and we both knew it. But I played along.
“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah. See ya.”
He hung up.
I set my phone down on the nightstand, and leaned over to turn off the light. It was still early, but I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was escape into the oblivion of sleep.
Unfortunately, my brain wouldn’t cooperate. Images continued to race through my mind. Jessica falling. Abby leaning in to whisper in Jeremy’s ear. Ransom’s face inches above mine as he whispered unintelligible words. Then Jessica’s face morphed into my father’s, and he pointed at me and cackled. Jeremy was suddenly there too, pointing and hissing.
I needed to stop the whole thing. It had gone too far and spiraled way out of control. I knew what I had to do. I got up out of bed, walked out to the living room, and stopped short.
Aunt Lor must have woken up while I was on the phone, because she sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of her.
“Samantha! Why didn’t you tell me about what happened at school today? I just heard about it.” She shook her head. “All these awful things going on lately, it makes me worry about you.”
So at least she was back to herself again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think to mention it. Can we talk about it when I get back? There’s something I have to do quick.”
She was shaking her head before I had the sentence out. “No, you’re not going anywhere. I want you home tonight. With everything going on, you need a night at home.”
“But, Aunt Lor, you don’t understand.”
“Samantha Jane, I said no, and that’s final.” She took my arm and led me over to the sofa. “Now you sit yourself down and watch some TV and try to take a rest.”
When I opened my mouth to speak again, she gave me a firm look and shook her head. She pulled an afghan from the back of the couch and spread it across my lap like I was a child, or sick with the flu.
“Now you sit tight. I’ll bring you some tea.” She turned and headed to the kitchen.
I sighed and tucked my feet underneath me, leaning my head back against the worn sofa. Aunt Lor could be stubborn when she wanted to be, and at that moment, for whatever reason, she was dead set against me leaving the protection of her watchful eyes. I didn’t know if she suspected all I’d been dealing with, if it was really just worry about all the accidents at school lately, or if she was in some place in her mind that told her she needed to care for me.
I drank the strong tea she brought me and even managed to choke down a few bites of the cinnamon toast she’d set in front of me.
A few minutes later, the familiar sound of pages turning lulled me, but I fought against the exhaustion of the day I’d had. Aunt Lor sat across the room in her chair, reading. It’d grown darker in the room as evening wore on, the blackness dispelled only by the light from a small lamp on the table next to her chair. I shifted into a more comfortable position, resting my head against the pillow she’d brought me earlier. Closing my eyes, I willed my breathing to relax. In and out. In and out. She needed to believe I was asleep.
Deep, slow breaths. In. Out.
Finally, her chair squeaked. Footsteps padded toward me. Breath moved across my face right before her dry lips touched my forehead.
“Sleep, child,” she whispered.
I didn’t move, or open my eyes.
Slight footsteps sounded, lighter and lighter as she headed to her bedroom.
I held my breath, waiting. What if she decided to grab a blanket and come out and sleep in the living room to be near me? I counted to two hundred. Each creak and shift of the trailer caused my heart to lurch.
Finally, I decided it was safe. I slowly sat up, half expecting her thin shape to pop out of her door any second. But it didn’t. I swung my legs, one at a time, off the sofa. The floor chilled my bare feet. I leaned forward, straining to see down the hall through the darkness.
I waited another minute and stood up. The blanket fell from my shoulders back onto the sofa. I crept forward and banged my toe into something solid. Sharp pain radiated from my big toe up my foot. I bit down on my bottom lip, shoving the scream back. Tears pooled in my eyes.
I froze, waiting to see if her door would open, if I’d been caught. Nothing stirred. I glanced down. Aunt Lor’s heavy knitting chest rested on the floor inches from my throbbing toes. She kept needles and yarn in the cherry box. I used the side of my good foot to shove it out of the way, and crept forward toward the door.
My sneakers waited on the mat. I slipped them on, not worrying about socks, and reached for my jacket hanging on a peg. Slipping my arms through each sleeve, I considered leaving a note, but decided it wouldn’t matter. If Aunt Lor woke up and saw me gone, she’d be livid with or without a written explanation. I grabbed my computer bag and pulled the door open, willing it not to creak. Just as I stepped outside, I had an idea.
I turned back around and tiptoed over to the counter. Aunt Lor’s key ring lay in a shallow dish shaped like a ladybug. I bit my lip. I’d just be borrowing it. Without permission. I reached out and snatched up the keys and spun back toward the door.
If she knew why it was so important for me to get to town, she would say okay. If she knew why it was so important for me to get to town, she’d probably kick me out. I pushed the thought out of my head and held the button on the screen door with my thumb until it closed all the way, moving as slowly as possible to keep quiet.
I jumped in the Buick and shut the door behind me. Slouched down in the seat, I slipped the key in the ignition and turned it. The car roared to life.
My heart pounded. This was the first time I was driving alone, and I’d never driven at night before.
“You can do this.” I chanted encouragement to myself.
I had something that needed to get done and had no choice but to hurry and get to the coffee shop. Too much was at stake if I didn’t.
Twenty-Eight
She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.
—Elizabeth Edwards
I closed the lid of my netbook and shut my eyes. I’d done it, taken down tomorrow’s tasks and written instructions on each initiate’s page to disregard the previously scheduled assignments. Posted that there would be no new tasks—that it was over.
Eventually the chatter surrounding me broke through my daze. I reached for my cooled coffee and took a small sip. I desperately needed the jumpstart the caffeine provided. My body ached, completely beat…physically and emotionally. Finally finished, I desperately wanted to go home and crawl in bed, and maybe sleep for a week straight.
Jeremy had been right all along. Why hadn’t I listened to him? With everything that’d happened, all that had gone wrong, thankfulness washed over me that no one’d been seriously hurt. It could have been so much worse.
I shoved my computer back in its bag and slung it over my shoulder. I almost wanted to throw it away. The mere sight of it reminded me how far I had strayed from who I wanted to be—someone who wasn’t ashamed to look at herself in the mirror each night. Someone who was honorable in standing up for what she believed in. Someone good. I wondered how I could get that girl back…prayed I could find her again.
Finally home and nestled in bed under the covers, I pushed the button and held my phone to my ear. I prayed he wouldn’t ignore me. It only rang once before he answered.
“Hello?”
I pressed my eyes closed tight and tried not to cry.
“Sam? You there?” His voice turned from its initial coolness to sounding worried.
I wiped my eyes. “I’m here,” I whispered. I was so thankful he was speaking to me.
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His voice went softer. “Is it your aun
t?”
I felt sick. All the things I’d done…I didn’t deserve his caring. I sniffed. “No. She’s fine. She was bad earlier, but she seemed better after laying down for a bit.” I paused. “The doctor put her on a new medicine. He said it could take a few weeks to kick in, but that it should help. I hope so anyway.”
Jeremy’s quiet breathing filled my ear.
What was I supposed to say now? What did I want to say? There was so much, yet I didn’t have a clue how to begin.
“Can you….?” I paused once more, knowing what I needed more than anything…and afraid to ask. I pressed the phone tight against the side of my head, trying to feel closer to him that way. It wasn’t the same. I took a deep breath, and prayed that it wasn’t too late. “Can you come over? Please?” I was almost afraid to breathe as I waited for his response. Seconds ticked by.
“Yeah, I’ll come over.”
Tears burned my eyes. “Thank you.”
It was his turn to pause. “I’m on my way.”
My eyes still burned, yet I could breathe once more. He was coming. Jeremy didn’t hate me.
We sat on the front porch steps, neither of us speaking. Jeremy’s arm pressed against mine, and it warmed me even through my thick hoodie. He shifted against me as he turned to face me. Even half hidden in shadows, his warm eyes made me feel safe. I hadn’t felt that way in weeks.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
I shook my head and looked down at my scuffed sneakers. He reached out and used a finger to lift my chin to face him again. “Talk to me.” He stared directly at me, not blinking. His thick lashes framed his eyes. I loved his eyes. The saying about the eyes being the windows to a person’s soul must be true, because Jeremy’s eyes reflected all the goodness that he was made up of.
I burst into tears. His gaze widened for a second, and the next thing I knew he pulled me tight against him. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and he whispered, “I’m right here, Sam. I’m right here.”
I remembered the last time he’d held me like that, on these same steps. It seemed like forever ago and like it was just yesterday all at the same time. I clung to his sweatshirt, not caring that I was smearing it with mascara and tears. I held on for dear life. Jeremy let me. He didn’t try to stop my tears, or tell me everything would be okay. He just held me close while I cried.
I cried for all the stupid decisions I’d made, and how I’d really hurt people. I cried for the father that had been taken from me, and for the mother who abandoned me. I cried for Aunt Loretta being sick, and I cried for the fact that I’d almost allowed myself to lose my best friend in the world.
Through it all, Jeremy held me tight and didn’t say a word, like he knew I needed to finally get it all out, to release all the pain and anger and hurt I’d shoved down deep inside for way too long.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed as we sat there together with my face buried in his chest, the taste of tears salty in my mouth. Finally, I raised my head. The shadows were gone from his face; the clouds had passed over the full October moon above us. He tilted his head, and smoothed the damp, matted hair out of my swollen eyes. “You’re going to be okay,” he whispered. “I promise.”
And for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t scoff inside when I heard the words. I nodded. He brushed the pad of his thumb across my tearstained cheek. “I’m right here, Sam. Always.”
My heart lurched at the sincerity in his words. “I did a lot of really stupid things,” I whispered.
He sat, not saying a word, still holding me close.
“I told them it was over. I’m done. I never should have started any of it.” I waited for him to say, I told you so. Only he never did.
“Then it’s over,” he said simply.
I shook my head. “But, Jer, you don’t understand. You don’t know what all I did.” It wasn’t just the stuff with the Society I was ashamed of; it was all the crap with Ransom, too.
He put a hand on either side of my head, stilling me. “It doesn’t matter. We all screw up. We all do things we wish we hadn’t.”
He released his hold on my head, and reached down to hold both my hands in his larger ones. “The important thing is to put it behind us, because dwelling on it will eat us alive. It’ll destroy us from the inside.” His lips tilted into a small smile, and he shook his head. “And I won’t let that happen to you.”
I stared back at him, hardly able to believe someone as good and real as Jeremy wanted anything to do with me. I didn’t deserve him.
“I better go inside,” I whispered.
He nodded. “Okay.”
We stood, and he held my hand as I opened the front door and stepped into the trailer. Our arms stretched across the threshold, neither one of us in any hurry to let go.
I glanced toward the hallway. I didn’t want my aunt to wake up and find Jeremy there. He got the message, and squeezed my hand for a second before releasing his hold.
He leaned in and brushed a soft kiss across my cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
I simply nodded.
He must have taken my silence to mean I was tired, because he reached out and touched my wrist. “Get some sleep, okay?” He stuck his hands in his pockets, still watching me.
I nodded again.
“Night, Sam,” he whispered.
“Good night.”
He turned and went down the steps and walked toward his car. Before he got in, he looked my way, smiled once more, and waved his hand above his head.
“Good night,” he mouthed.
I waved back and shut the door, leaning my head against it after it closed.
Twenty-Nine
Life is about choices. Some we regret; some we’re proud of. Some will haunt us forever.
—Graham Brown
“C’mon, Sam. You promised.” Jeremy wasn’t taking no for an answer about Pete’s party.
Apparently, Pete and the rest of the team had decided that with everything that had happened this week, it made for an even better reason to relax and try to have some fun. So the party was still on.
I wavered. A part of me wanted to go, just so I could spend time with Jeremy. I kind of wanted to see how things went with us when I wasn’t sniffling all over his sweatshirt.
Had I misread what I’d thought I’d seen in his eyes last night? Had it only been friendly concern? Or worse yet, pity?
I wanted to curse myself for ever inviting Ransom to the stupid party. I’d been ignoring the texts he’d sent today, asking what time he should pick me up. It wasn’t like he knew the location of the party and could just show up. I couldn’t believe he still even thought we’d be going out tonight after what went down the last time I saw him.
I flopped backward on my bed and stared at my ceiling.
“Well?”
“I don’t know, Jer.”
“Look, after everything that’s happened, we deserve a night out, right?” The smile in his voice carried through the phone line. “You deserve some fun, and I promise we’ll have fun.”
My resistance melted like ice cream on a hot summer day. “You promise?”
He laughed. “I promise.”
He rushed on before I had a chance to change my mind. “I’ll pick you up at nine. Be ready.”
“Okay.” I smiled as I hung up and glanced at my clock. I had less than two hours to figure out something to wear, get ready, and try to act like a normal teenager. I slapped my arm across my forehead. Things had to get better; they certainly couldn’t get any worse.
After much debating, rooting in closets, hair pulling, and some muffled cursing, I’d finally thrown together a costume. I wouldn’t win any awards with it, but it wasn’t like Pete would really be hosting any costume-judging contests anyway. More likely the “drink ’til you’re sick” type of games.
I crossed my room and sat down at my desk. I’d been putting it off too long; I needed to call Ransom and make it clear that we weren’t going to the party together an
ymore. He answered right away.
“Hey, babe. What’s up?”
Babe? Ew. I fidgeted in the wooden chair. “Hey, I just wanted to call you because I thought we needed to talk.”
“I can think of other things I’d rather be doing with you.”
Double ew. My fingers tightened on the phone. “Ransom, I’m serious.”
“Whoa. Okay, chill, I was only teasing you.” He sounded a little annoyed. “So, what’s going on?”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” I blurted out.
Silence.
“I thought we were going to some party tonight,” he said. “Is this about what happened yesterday? I said I was sorry.”
“No, it’s not just that,” I said, shaking my head even though he couldn’t see me. “This is about me. Well, and us, to be perfectly honest.”
“I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Look, are we getting together tonight or not?”
Unreal. Where was the guy I’d thought I’d known? Maybe I’d just been seeing what I’d wanted to see, or maybe he was just done pretending. Either way, I knew I didn’t want to see him again. “No. We’re not.”
“I kind of expected you were gonna do this.” He sounded bored now. Talk about a 180. “Anyway, I gotta go.” His true colors were coming through loud and clear.
“Goodbye, Ransom.” My voice was quiet, and I didn’t even wait to hear if he said it back before I disconnected the call. I sat staring at the phone in my hand for a few minutes.
It wasn’t that I wanted to be with him, I knew now with certainty that I didn’t, but it still kind of stung a little. We’d almost had sex and it was obvious I hadn’t meant a thing to him. He was probably calling the next girl on his list the second we’d hung up. I felt sick that I’d even done the things I had with him—but also proud that I’d seen who he really was before I’d gotten myself in any deeper.
A part of me also felt a little guilty. Because in a way, I’d used Ransom too, so I couldn’t just blame everything on him. He’d been an escape for me. A way to experience the freedom I’d craved, a way to feel desired and wanted. I’d used him to crawl out of the box I’d been hiding in to shut myself away from the rest of the world, I knew that now. And that wasn’t fair to either of us. I wanted to be free on my own.
The Society Page 17
