by Blair Holden
“Hey,” Cole says tentatively as if he’s testing the waters. I’m not a shark, I want to scream. It bothers me that I’m so completely crabby right now but then I can’t even attempt to act differently. I give him a small smile that takes every ounce of willpower in my body and begin digging out my economics book. We still sit at the very back but Cole helps me with my notes now. We’re a good team and ever since we’ve started studying together, my grades have skyrocketed. I should be grateful for that but right now I’m just mad that I can’t see the whiteboard and that my teacher is too lazy to speak just a little louder. Then I see Nicole right up in the front and I want to strangle her—with a barbed wire. I really could use some KitKats right now, these violent thoughts can’t be normal.
The class goes by in a hurry and my notebook remains empty. I doodle a little in the corners, watch the clock some more and ignore the fact that Cole’s staring at my profile. All I want is to go home and hole up for the weekend. When the bell rings, I’m the first person out of the seat.
“Tessa, wait,” Cole calls from behind me, quickly shoving his own books into his backpack, which he slings onto one shoulder. My God, he looks so good doing that. I’m blindsided by lust, let’s just blame the crazy hormones. People say you get butterflies when you look at someone you have feelings for but then there’s me. One look at him and it’s like the freaking Jungle Book in my stomach. He sweeps a hand through his hair, messing it up, and catches up with me looking adorably concerned.
He takes my hand and pulls me away from where the miserable two, Jay and Nicole, are watching. Sadly for them, they’re partnered for the rest of the year. I guess I should feel sorry for the awkwardness of the entire situation but I can’t muster up an atom of sympathy for them.
“I’m still giving you a ride home today, right?”
I nod, feeling a bit guilty. This morning I’d opted to ride with Megan instead of him just because I felt particularly catty. Megan knows how I get since she’s somewhat like the Hulk on steroids during her own “week.” We have a silent understanding over how terrible our mood swings are so it makes sense that we try to spend as much time together as possible, just to spare others the horror. Beth avoids us like the plague during those days and rightly so. For all her intimidating boots and dark eyeshadow, she’s as mellow as a hippy all year round.
But I can’t push Cole away anymore since he looks sort of hurt. I haven’t been myself the last few days and have been taking out all my anger on him. If there’s one thing I should be able to do, it’s to act like a human being for the sake of the guy I’m in love with.
“Yeah, if you don’t mind.”
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and then nudges my shoulder with his as we walk hand in hand down the halls. “I won’t mind, that’s the farthest thing from how I’d feel, Tessie.”
Leaning my head on his shoulder, we walk to his car and I strap myself in. So far so good, no more Hulk moments. I can do this, yes, hormones, you are going down. Watch me take you down like a bitch. I am the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul. We’ve been studying some hardcore Henley in class; it’s bound to mess with my head.
“What are you doing this weekend?” he asks as he places his free hand on my denim clad thigh. He’s always doing this; I want to superglue his hand at that very spot and never let him move. He’s a salve to all my anxiousness and nerve-wracking mood swings but then my emotions are the most heightened when I’m around him. That’s why I’ve been trying to avoid him so much this week. Yes, he gives me the highest highs but one wrong word from him and I end up crying my eyes out in the girls’ bathroom.
“I’m not sure, staying in, I guess.”
Actually I have it all mapped out in my head. As soon as Cole drops me home, I’ll gather the necessary supplies such as ice cream, KitKats and plenty of string cheese. Then I’ll take out the most comfortable blanket I have and snuggle up into my oldest onesie. After that I’ll spend my weekend with McDreamy. Megan gave me a boxed set of Grey’s Anatomy for my birthday; she understands the therapeutic powers of Dr. Shepherd.
“And you’re sure you don’t want me to come check up on you?”
“I’ll just bring you down as well. It’s okay, Cole, I’ll survive. You should have some guy time.”
We’ve been spending a lot of time together and it makes me wonder if he’s getting sick of me. But there’s another part that knows we’re good. After last week, knowing what he saw and why he returned, my faith in him has just grown beyond the acceptable point. I believe him, blindly. So maybe I should just stop questioning every little thing.
“I was going to talk to you about that. Some of my friends from military school are in town for a couple of days. I told them I’d come see them so I’ll be leaving today and coming back on Sunday.”
He’s watching me, waiting for a reaction. I don’t know how to feel. I want to be left alone and for him especially to stay away until I stop biting his head off. This is exactly what we need but then why do I feel like he just struck me right in the jugular?
“Tessie?”
I’m aware that we’re parked outside my house now. But I just sit there, lip quivering and eyes watering. I’ve become unhinged and it’s officially time to call the nut house. The urge to get mad and throw a tantrum is strong. Out-of-whack hormones coupled with my mom’s abandonment are all of a sudden too much for me to take. He’s leaving too, probably to have a wild old time with his delinquent friends. There will be girls too, hot, tattooed, edgy biker chicks that have piercings in places I shudder to think about. Before I know it, he’ll be hooking up with someone called Yolanda and telling me to take a hike because I’m not badass enough for him.
“Fine, go, have a great time.” The sarcasm pouring out of my mouth stings even my own ears but I can’t stop. Grabbing my backpack, I scramble out of my seat and slam his car door shut. He’s getting out too, from what I can hear and every noise he makes is grating at my nerves.
“Hey, hold up. Did I do something wrong?”
I clench my teeth. Why are boys so clueless? Doesn’t he know that it’s a terrible idea to even look at me right now? I’m ready to explode, desperately in need of chocolate and all but want to crawl into a hole in the ground.
“Please just go away. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, I’m not going to go away. I get it, Tessie; it’s been a tough week because of your mom and other stuff.” His faces flushes as he mentions the latter and I want to die. I cannot believe I’m discussing my period with Cole.
He continues, not really aware of my discomfort. “But you can’t just shut me out. I’m not letting our first fight be about something as stupid as this.”
“Stupid? You think my mother leaving me is stupid? Well I’m sorry to have taken up so much of your time by talking about my stupid issues!”
He groans. “That isn’t what I meant. I meant my leaving for a few days. If you don’t want me to go just say so. “
“By all means, don’t let me and my stupidity stop you from having fun, Cole. Go, do whatever you want, just leave me alone.” He grips my arm when I try to leave and I’m just about to unleash some major fury when Travis walks onto the porch. I assume he heard us fighting, or rather me being a complete nightmare.
“You should just leave, man. It’s best to listen to her when she’s like this.”
He looks apologetic and that’s when I realize how neurotic I’m acting. If Travis is forced to apologize to Cole on my behalf then it’s got to be really bad.
“I’m so sorry!” I cover my mouth with my hand and push past them both, stomping up the stairs and into my room. Falling face-first into my bed, I try holding in all the pent-up emotion but I’m not quick enough. A frustrated scream leaves my mouth as I punch my pillow repeatedly. I will not cry, I will not cry, chanting the mantra like it would actually help. It doesn’t help and I cry, bucketsful.
I don’t even know why I’m crying. Maybe it’s because
of Mom, maybe it’s because of Dad but mostly I think it’s because I might have just ruined the one good thing in my life. I want to run to Cole to beg him for forgiveness and to tell him that I didn’t mean to fight with him but he must be long gone by now. It’s been hours since I locked myself up. My rumbling stomach tells me that it could be late evening, entirely too late to kiss and make up.
Changing into a pair of ratty old pajamas, I wobble like a duck into the kitchen. My head feels like it weighs a ton and my eyes sting. Couple that with the monthly curse and I am the picture of misery. I feel slightly better when I smell a delicious aroma coming from the kitchen. It’s Travis, he’s bent over a pot and stirring it constantly. It looks like he’s making his world-famous and my favorite chili; instantly I start to salivate.
“Hey,” I mumble feebly as I take a seat on the counter.
He gives me a sympathetic smile and puts the lid on the pot, lowering the heat. He comes and sits by me, slinging an arm around my shoulder and I place my head on his. It’s comforting and I close my eyes, letting myself unwind for the first time in days.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Like I was run over by a bus, twice.”
He chuckles, mussing my hair. “You sounded like you were crying for a while up there.”
We’re silent for a while before I finally answer. “I hate what Mom did. I hate how selfish she is and how Dad doesn’t care. I hate that they don’t just split up and stop pretending.”
“Tess, we know our parents are screwups. We’ve grown up knowing that their reputation is everything for them. I wish they were different too but they’re not and it’s hard to accept that but you have to. You can’t let them do this to you, trust me, they aren’t worth the tears.”
I snuggle further into his shoulder. “But they weren’t always like this. I remember them being good, being happy. We were a normal family once, Trav. What happened?”
He sighs wistfully. “I don’t know. Maybe they were always unhappy in their marriage and we never picked it up. It got worse after Dad became the mayor and after that it was just like watching a train wreck. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you during that time, Tess, I swear I’d do anything to go back and fix it.”
I snort, “Don’t apologize. You were more of a parent to me than they ever were.”
He hugs me closer. “Thanks, baby sis. Maybe we’ll make it out of here alive after all. Just no more crying over those two ever again.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Oh and Tess?”
“Yeah?”
“Call Stone, will you? He’s been bugging me all day.”
***
At 10 p.m. I find myself in front of the Stones’ door. I have no idea what I’m going to do but what I do know is that I have to be near Cole right now. He didn’t leave to see his friends, Travis told me so. He’s been checking up on me all day and I feel so bad for treating him the way I did. Even worse than the guilt is how much I crave his presence. It’s insane, like someone ripped me into two and took the other half away. He needs to know that I’m an idiot, a stupid girl who is in way over her head with him and sometimes doesn’t know what to do with her over-the-top emotions.
Due to never-ending misfortune, it is Jay who lets me in. He looks startled to see me, or maybe he’s just put off by my appearance. I didn’t really try too hard, simply changing into jeans and a simple white V-necked sweater. My hair’s a little ratty but I managed to run a comb through it despite my hurry and there’s just a hint of lip gloss on my lips.
“Hi.” He sounds a little breathless and I don’t like it. He needs to stop acting like I affect him so much. If Cole ever sees the kind of looks Jay sends me when he thinks no one’s looking, I’m pretty sure we’d have a brawl on our hands.
“Who is it?” Cassandra’s voice comes from the living room and I immediately begin fretting. What’s she going to think of me, showing up to see her son at this hour when he’s probably spent the day upset.
“It’s Tessa,” Jay says without taking his eyes off me. I’m starting to get weirded out right now; he has got to stop checking me out before I punch him into tomorrow.
“Hey, Mrs. Stone.” I offer Cassandra a meek smile as she comes my way.
“Hi honey, I didn’t know we were expecting you.”
I look down apologetically. “You weren’t. I just needed to speak to Cole about something.”
She analyzes me and a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. “Does this something have to do with why he’s been locked up in his room all day?”
My cheeks turn red. She must hate me; Cole deserves to be treated so much better than this and here I am callously playing games with his heart.
“We . . . no, I . . . I made a mistake and I need to tell him I’m sorry.”
“You guys had a fight?” I resist the urge to throw Jay a glare. He looks triumphant and I want to take that smug look off his face with the help of a butcher knife. The words mind your own dang business are at the tip of my tongue but I can hardly say them with his mother in the room. The same mother who must probably hate my guts right now.
“Please go to your room, Jason. That wasn’t a question you could ask so freely.” As she chastises him I fall in love with this woman even more.
“But Mom . . .”
“Your room, Jason.”
“Fine.” He sounds sullen but leaves us.
Cassandra places her hand on my arm and gives it a gentle, motherly squeeze. Her eyes are full of understanding and warmth as she nods in the direction Jay just went. “You should go see Cole. I’m sure you two will work out whatever there is to work out.”
“Thank you.” I’m sure my eyes are watery by this point but I don’t care. I rush to get to Cole’s room and when I open the door, glad that it’s unlocked, I freeze.
He’s shirtless and only in pajama bottoms, sitting on the edge of his bed. His cell phone is clutched in both hands and his eyes are pressed up against both fists. His shoulders are heaving, the muscles of his abdomen rippling as he breathes heavily.
“Cole.” My voice comes out a little hoarse but he hears it all the same and it’s like he immediately knows it’s me.
“Tessie.” He stands up as his cell phone falls noisily to the ground. We stare at each other in silence from across the room. The quietness is suffocating and it’s so not us. We have such an easy aura around us now that this tense moment feels all wrong. I have to fix this since it’s entirely my fault.
“I’m an idiot,” I stutter.
“Tessie . . .”
“A moron, a jerk, a bonehead, imbecile, nincompoop, ninny . . .”
He takes two large strides and is in front of me, cupping my face.
“Did you just say nincompoop and ninny?” He’s squishing my cheeks so I have fish lips now.
“Yesh.”
He plants a quick but intoxicating kiss on my lips and then starts to laugh, like really laugh.
“Say it again.”
“Nincompoop, I am a total and utter nincompoop, emphasis on the poop part.”
He laughs even harder. “The other one too!”
“Ninny, Cole. I. Am. A. Ninny.” I start laughing too and soon we both fall into bed, laughing like crazy hyenas.
As is his habit, he interlinks our fingers. “Do you have any more of those?”
“Shut up,” I mumble into his skin, burying my face in the crook of his neck. I’m perfectly aware of his lack of clothing and yes I prefer him like this.
“No, seriously, that was priceless. I want more!”
“Too bad, you’re not getting any.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
I smack his shoulder playfully. “That’s not funny.”
“Kidding, I’m kidding, sorry!”
He wraps an arm around me and pulls me tightly toward his side. We lay in silence, just enjoying each other. The day has been tough on both of us and I guess we just want to make sure that the other’s still there. The tho
ught of losing him is terrifying and I can only hope I never pull another stunt like the one I did today.
“I’m sorry, Cole.”
“You don’t have to apologize, shortcake.”
“I have to. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. It’s just . . . everything with my family is messed up.”
He hugs me tighter to him, kissing the top of my head. “I know, sweetheart. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“But you had the chance to go see your friends today and you didn’t go. You stayed because of me. I can’t believe I guilt-tripped you into ruining your weekend,” I mumble.
He clicks his tongue. “As long as I’m with you, I’m good. Besides, they’re there till Sunday so I can make the trip tomorrow.”
Oh. Okay, so I admit I really wanted to spend tomorrow with him. The hormones are becoming controllable and I’ve missed being with him. But he has a life of his own and I can’t keep gate-crashing into it.
“There’s just one thing, though . . .” he continues, unaware of my pity party.
“What’s that?”
“I told them that I’d be bringing my girl with me.”
My heart leaps and it soars. I’m floating, light as cotton candy, the pink kind, of course. I hide the huge grin that swallows me whole and kiss his neck; on the exact spot he always kisses me. “You want me to come with you?”
“If you want to? I don’t think I’ll make it past city limits if you aren’t next to me.”
The L-word is on the tip of my tongue. I want to shout it from the rooftops and have it tattooed across my forehead. I want to tell him, and then kiss the life out of him but now isn’t the time. We’re both a little scared, both a little vulnerable. He wouldn’t take me seriously even if I tried.
“I’d love to meet your friends.”
I feel his smile against my skin and it makes me giddy to know I could affect his moods so drastically. Meeting Yolanda will be a small price to pay for this guy’s happiness. I’d do practically anything for him.
