by Blair Holden
Pushing back thoughts of doom and despair, I busy myself with schoolwork. Before I know it I’ve finished three days’ worth of homework. It’s surprising how much you can get done when you have so much on your mind that you can’t bear to lose focus on something mundane. It’s no surprise that by the time Travis knocks on my door to let me know about dinner I’ve basically completed all the college applications I’d pushed to the side.
College, yet another problem.
***
“How is she?” I ask my brother as we eat Chinese takeout.
“The same except she said she wanted to go back to work again.”
There’s silence and I know neither of us is happy about that prospect. She’s not ready to go to the five odd jobs she’s always got lined up. Cassandra insists that Beth try therapy and that only then will she be able to move forward. I agree; she carries too much guilt to function properly. I know her and when things get too much she’ll self-destruct. She’ll shut us all out and recede into the dark crevices of her own mind.
“How do we get her to go to therapy then? She needs to talk about . . . everything to someone who knows the right thing to say.”
Dropping his elbows on the table, Travis hangs his head low between his hands. I know he’s worried just like I am and that it’s killing him to not be able to do something to help her. He’s a problem-solver and it’s in his nature to be protective and a constant source of comfort.
“I had an idea but I don’t know if she’s gonna go for it. I thought about seeing someone about the drinking, you know . . . how sometimes I still get the urge. Maybe if I go or suggest group therapy or something she’ll agree.”
“I didn’t know that you were . . .”
“It’s not serious, I promise, baby girl. But sometimes things get too much, you know? I’ll never do that to you again, I swear.”
I beam at him but on the inside there’s a clawing at my chest. He still feels the compulsion to relapse? How have I been so blind that I couldn’t see him struggling? I feel like the worst sister on the planet. My selfishness lately has been insurmountable; all I think about is me or Cole or both of us.
“Well I think it’s a brilliant idea. If you’re there with her, she’ll definitely think about going. Talk to her, she needs to do this.”
He nods his head and when he asks me about Cole, I tell him we’re okay.
***
“Hey.”
It’s him. The Cole sensor is going haywire and so is my heart. I stand by my bedroom window, turning my back to him. He sounds breathless, like he ran all the way here. That somehow lifts my spirits a little.
“Tessie, talk to me, please.”
I hear his footsteps closing in on me. Before I know it he’s wrapped both arms around my waist and pulled me to his chest. His head’s buried in the crook of my neck. A shudder passes through my body as I feel him kissing the spot above my collarbone. God, he makes me so weak.
“You left.” My voice trembles.
“I’m sorry,” comes his muffled voice.
“Stop saying that. Stop apologizing and tell me the real reason why you couldn’t stand being with me.”
His arms become ironclad restraints. I don’t struggle because it’s not like I ever want to move. I just want him to explain what I’m trying so hard to understand.
“I was drunk last night. Seeing you with Jay messed with my head. It made me feel like that stupid kid again, the one you never looked at with anything but hate. Every bad memory I’d repressed came back. I thought I’d lose you again. I was scared, baby. I thought when you woke up you’d tell me you didn’t want me anymore.”
His entire body is shaking and so is mine. The emotions are too overwhelming and all-consuming. He’s never been this vulnerable before. I’m so used to him taking away my insecurities that I’ve never thought about his. Seeing him like this, hearing these words come from him rips me into two. He’s with me so selflessly and wholeheartedly that I feel shameful about being afraid of my feelings for him.
I take a deep breath; I have to do this now. Fears be damned.
Turning around in his arms, I take in his haunted face, his messed-up hair, and eyes that seem more glossy than usual. Every pore of me aches for him. How have I not yelled this from the rooftops before when it’s so damn obvious?
I lean forward and press my lips to his, putting all my feelings into the kiss. I kiss him slowly, savoring the feel of his lips against mine. He immediately responds, his arms tightening and pressing me further into him, thus eliminating every inch of space. I feel him smile against my lips. Well, buddy, the smile’s about to get a whole lot bigger.
I pull away and push up on my tiptoes, cupping his face between my hands. He stares at me and the look in his eyes is so tender that it takes every ounce of willpower for me to not kiss him again. Here goes nothing.
“I love you.”
Silence, that’s what follows. If you try hard enough, you could even hear how furiously our hearts are beating right now. Mine threatens to crash right out and land between our feet in a bloody mess.
Suddenly I’m mortified, what if I’ve made it totally awkward? What if he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings or maybe just isn’t ready for a confession like this? I’ve ruined everything. I can’t cry, I won’t cry, at least not now.
But then the most glorious thing in the world happens and I feel my tattered heart start to piece itself together.
Cole smiles! Well, smile would be putting it mildly. His lips stretch into a grin so wide that I’m actually scared for his poor face. His eyes gleam, his face regains color and then at last he mashes his lips against mine. I feel the grin throughout the kiss. The kiss itself? Well, it’s damn near maddening. His tongue seeks entrance and I allow him more than willingly. We’re greedy for each other, hands running all over each other’s bodies. Tongues are tangled, lips nip and bite and taste. It’s a whole new feeling, a new thrill now that I’ve said what’s always been missing.
When we finally pull away to catch our breaths, Cole rests his forehead against mine and gives me a soft kiss.
“I love you, so much, Tessie. God, you have no idea how much I love you.”
My breath hitches and tears sting my eyes. It is the absolute worst time to cry but I can’t help it. He’d shown me through the kiss that he felt the same but the words mean oh so much. I’d always dreamt of a love like this but never thought I’d actually find someone like him.
I launch myself at him, jumping up and wrapping my legs around him. I hug him to me tightly, my head resting against his neck and drinking him in. He holds me up firmly and repeatedly kisses the side of my head.
“Say it again,” I breathe.
“I love you and I always have, Tessie. The second I saw that little girl with her green eyes and pigtails, I knew I’d never be the same.”
I sniffle and he pulls me to him tighter. My arms are around his neck, my face still hidden and I’d like to keep it that way. It’s embarrassing that I’m crying but how could you not? How can you hold in all that emotion when you have a guy like Cole baring his soul to you?
“God, you’re perfect. Are you sure you’re real?” I joke, half laughing, half crying.
He nips lightly at my neck with his teeth and I jolt while he chuckles. “Real enough for you?”
I smack his back but then sigh, leaning into him again. “Where did you go?”
He walks backward until he sits at the edge of my bed and swings me sideways so that I’m draped all over his lap, my head on his chest. I free my hands and trace patterns over his shirt. He shudders visibly under my touch and I feel a sense of satisfaction. He loves me!
“I went to see someone who’d knock some sense into my head.”
He kisses the top of my head again.
“Who?”
“Nana Stone.”
I laugh as I think of all the scenarios I’d pictured and how I tortured myself the entire day. But hey, on the flip side, I can probabl
y scratch my plans for a double homicide now.
“What did she say to you?”
“She said some things I’d already figured out by the time I got there. Mostly about how I was a bumbling idiot who was letting the best thing that had ever happened to him slip out of his hands. Though it was much more effective when she said it.”
“I bet it was.”
“Hey, Cole?”
“Yeah?”
I look up at him and just like him, I can’t stop kissing him. I lean in for a deep kiss and when we break for air I tell him again. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he says with a wide grin and shining eyes. It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him and it makes me giddy to know that I’m responsible for it.
***
“Hey, did someone ever tell you, you sound like an ice cream?”
“What?” His chest vibrates beneath me as he laughs but I look at him seriously.
“That’s a huge reason why I’m with you, Stone, don’t laugh.”
He pretends to be serious for a while before bursting out laughing. “How do you even come up with this stuff?”
“But it’s true. I’m telling you that’s what brings in all your fangirls.”
“Fangirls, huh? You sure they’re not there because of my amazing looks and irresistible charm?”
“Nope, it’s definitely because of the ice cream factor.”
“Now I just feel objectified.” He pouts and I kiss it away.
“Don’t worry, though. You’re as lickable as your ice cream namesake.”
It’s close to midnight and we’re lying in my bed. Well, Cole’s lying on my bed, I’m lying on top of him, draped over his body. We’ve been like this for the last two hours or so, occasionally getting up for rigorous rounds of kissing. Now that we’ve exchanged the L-word it’s even more difficult to keep our hands off each other. The feeling of being in love is exquisite. The high you get is just . . . beyond the power of words. To know that there’s someone out there who loves you so unconditionally and irrevocably makes everything feel . . . perfect.
“About what happened yesterday,” he starts before swallowing heavily. I wait for him to finish because I know it’s important to him.
“I don’t know why I did what I did or said what I said. Seeing you two together, I just couldn’t handle it. I know it’s stupid of me to expect that you’ll never see or talk to Jay again but I guess I wasn’t prepared. You said to stop apologizing but I have to. Showing up at your house, drunk like that . . . I could’ve hurt you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
When he’s done, I hold him closer and take his hand in both of mine.
“I understand. I get the insecurity because I spent the entire day planning different ways to kill the girl you were with.” He laughs at this point and I continue, “But you have to talk to me when you feel this way. You have to let me tell you that Jay means nothing to me, not anymore. If it makes you feel better, I also actually felt the urge to behead him today.”
The laugh this time is loud and booming, reverberating around my room. It’s the best sound ever.
“Wow, you were feeling really sadistic today, weren’t you?”
“It’s all your fault. I keep hanging out with you and I’ll end up turning into the town serial killer.”
“But you still love me,” he says sounding reassured and confident.
I sigh dramatically. “Sadly, yes. The heart wants what the heart wants.”
“And you want me?” There’s a hint of nervousness in his voice that the teasing tone can’t hide.
“Always.”
“That’s my girl.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine: I’m Thinking about Jumping Your Bones
It’s definitely unsettling how your entire life can change when you least expect it. I started out my senior year praying for some reprieve from the continuous cycle of torment and hurt. I’d hoped that I would go unnoticed, hidden until I could get the freedom I so badly craved. I’d come to accept that the only guy whom I could ever love would never love me back. There was also the fact that my best friend had turned into a person I could never be able to connect with again. My family was a mess; my brother had lost his way; hence the year would in no better words—Suck.
Funny how things change, right?
I walk languidly down the hallways of my high school, trying to push back the nostalgia that creeps through me. Let’s face it; this place hasn’t exactly been a haven of joy and happiness for me. In fact the years I’ve spent here have been downright the worst in my life. My freshman, sophomore, and junior years were as painful as pulling off a fingernail. With the exception of meeting my best friends, those years had sucked me into a vortex of what I considered inescapable gloom.
But then everything changed. A smile creeps up on me as the corner of my mouth lifts up as a surge reminiscent of happiness courses through me. In the last few months, in these very halls my life changed forever. I found someone who made me love myself, who made me realize that I could choose happiness and who finally broke through the vortex. My superhero.
These are the thoughts I mentally play in my head as I walk toward a very familiar sight. Nicole is leaning against her locker, tapping her high-heel-clad foot restlessly on the ground. She glances at her watch and then looks around. When her gaze lands on me she straightens up and gives me a nod of acknowledgement before starting to walk.
I tug the strap of my backpack higher up my shoulder and hug my notebook to my chest. Following her out to the football field, I try not to bring my personal issues with Nicole to this interview. When I volunteered to be on the yearbook committee, I knew that at some point I’d have a run-in with her. Of course I hoped it would never happen but it’s me and despite my personal lucky charm called Cole, things like this do tend to happen. I’m supposed to be interviewing all the captains and co-captains of the various clubs and sports teams the school has. So far it’s been good, except for the highly awkward ten-minute disaster that happened with Jay. The man has grabby hands, let me tell you.
Nicole takes a seat high up on the bleachers and I follow. We’re both wrapped up in layers upon layers of clothing and although her choice of venue is problematic, I guess that she needs to find a place that she’s comfortable while answering my questions. I’ve prepared a list of questions and hopefully this won’t take long. Each person barely gets half a page so it’s not like I’m writing an exposé on the seedy underbelly of science clubs in high schools.
She sits down and brushes off imaginary lint from her coat. In recent years, Nicole has become very “refined.” She’s always impeccably dressed, never a hair out of place even during dance rehearsals. The woman it seems is incapable of sweating or looking ugly, for that matter. She’s even got a tanned glow to her face in the middle of winter and her dark hair is generously streaked with gold toward the ends. The well-fitted cream sweater she’s wearing sets off her complexion magnificently. I might hate her but the fact is that she’s stunning. So far neither of us have brought up our obviously strained relationship. This is extremely awkward but for the sake of journalism I’ll simply have to persevere.
“Okay, so this won’t take a lot of time.” I get out the recorder and my notepad that has my questions and where I can scribble additional notes.
Nicole stares blankly into the distance as I ask the questions. She appears to be completely disinterested, narrating rote answers and inspecting her fingernails as she does so. My blood begins to boil and I have to remind myself to keep a lid on it. I can’t toss her down the bleachers; the dance team would not appreciate that. Maybe if I stare viciously at her profile some more, she’ll evaporate into thin air.
For the most part Nicole’s left me alone. After her huge social downfall and break up with Jay, she’s been off the radar. Her minions have scattered, only a few daring to be around the new outcast. I should feel sorry for her, having been in the same place as her, but when she acts like this it’s hard to empathiz
e. Even now, she’s so . . . ice cold, unreachable, and locked up in her own mind. If I could be bothered with it, I would ask her what the hell happened to turn her into this person. But through the years I’ve realized that no length of an olive branch would be able to repair what we’ve lost.
Once I’ve gathered enough material to please the editor, I start packing my things. Nicole doesn’t even blink in my direction and I’m more than happy to get away from her. Cole is waiting for me in the parking lot and the sooner I get to him, the better. If it’s one thing that I’ve learned this year it is to recognize and treasure the people who love you for who you are. Changing yourself to fit into someone else’s life is never a good idea. People should love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.
I’m finished packing up and about to leave when she addresses me. I stop midstep and wait for her to continue.
“Look,” she exhales heavily and begins examining her fingernails, “We’re all graduating this year and I’m getting out of this hick town as fast as I can.”
Understandable. Nicole’s always been fascinated with New York City. That combined with an early acceptance to NYU means there’s nothing really stopping her from like she says ‘’getting out of this hick town as fast as she can.”
“Okay.” I study her face, trying to find more clues as to what she really wants to say to me. My gut tells me it’ll be something along the lines of the closure I’ve subconsciously always sought. You don’t just stop being friends with a person you’ve known for almost all of your life and not need closure. So I might not want it but maybe I need it.
“Before I go, there’s some stuff I need to do, clear all the misunderstanding, you know? I heard karma’s a bitch so this is my attempt to put all the bad stuff behind me.”
